No Joke For James

Based upon the story by Andrew Brenner, David Mitten and Britt Alcroft

Adapted by Rachel Ravens

Takes place between TACO and LECDBT


The engines of Sir Topham Hatt were all very happy to be under his gentle but firm leadership. If an engine does get reprimanded, it is for a very legitimate reason. But that is not the case for two engines who live at the Peel Godred project.

Two of the three engines were in a dull, grey livery, and their nameplates had come off long ago. Their manager refused to call them by name, and instead were dubbed No. 3 and No. 4. The third one did have a name, but was also unhappy.

"No. 4!" demanded the manager. "You take this goods train to Peel Godred where you'll interchange goods with the North Western Railway."

"Y-yes Mr. Hocking." he stammered.

"And don't be late!" he snapped, "otherwise, you won't be repaired."

No. 4 didn't say anything more, and he buffered up to the train, puffing off to the junction.

"It's like this every day," he sighed as he puffed along. "Hardly anything ever good happens to my big brother and I…"


He eventually came to the junction to wait for the North Western engine he was interchanging goods with.

"A couple of minutes early," soothed his driver. "We're doing fine, ol' boy."

"I suppose," he said quietly "though with the Peel Godred power lines being under maintenance right now..." He then got cut off as heard a whistle, and in came James. His paintwork seemed shinier than usual, though it may have stood out against the gloom of the Peel Godred project.

"Hello," greeted James warmly. "How are you this morning?"

"Well… I was having a poor day this morning," said No. 4. "But it is good to see you, James."

"It's good to see you too," James smiled. "Did you hear? Some trees were planted in Henry's forest a couple of months ago, and the trees are growing very tall and strong."

"No, I didn't," said No. 4. "That does sound nice. Are there any new animals there?"

"There's a few baby deer born recently," James explained. "And some baby rabbits."

"Aww, how adorable," smiled No. 4. "I have to tell my brother and Freddie about this."

While the two engines were talking, the goods were transferred between the two trains accordingly, and James' guard's whistle blew.

"Oh, that's me," said the red engine. "I hope to see you, your brother and Freddie again soon."

"Me too," said No. 4. "You've brightened up my day, James. Thank you!"

James happily puffed away and so did No. 4 when his own guard's whistle blew.

"That's one of the few goods runs I don't mind," said James. "At least it helps to make a difference in those three engines' lives."


Later on, James buffered up to the red coaches, Sean, Mick, Harry and Dexter, for his passenger run.

"Oh look!" said one of the female passengers, "there's James. His paintwork makes me bright and cheerful."

"His paintwork matches your dress," said her husband with a smile.

"Oh, why thank you," he grinned as the passengers boarded the train.

"You're doing very well today, ol' boy," said his driver. "Let's make this train run smoothly, shall we?"

"Of course, driver," James was off once the whistle blew, and I'm sorry to say that these compliments were going to his smokebox.


When he was at Elsbridge, he saw Thomas with Annie and Clarabel.

"Afternoon, James," smiled Thomas, "how are you on this fine day?"

"I'm feeling splendid Thomas," James boasted, "look at me! I'm the smartest, most useful engine on the line."

"Rubbish, James!" grunted Thomas. "We're all useful. Sir Topham Hatt says so, and he's head of the whole railway!"

"You know what, James?" Annie put in.

"What?" replied the red engine.

"You're getting all puffed up." Annie remarked. Clarabel and Thomas burst into laughter at her comment, and so did the red coaches.

The guard's whistle blew and James crossly puffed away.

"I guess he's happy we're no longer pulled by him," giggled Clarabel.

Thomas laughed. "Don't worry, ladies. If I'm being mended or something, I'll make sure that Percy, Edward or Toby step in."

"Thank you, Thomas," smiled Annie. "It's a pity Percy isn't here very often."

"But he does have his own work in the yards," sighed Clarabel. The guard's whistle blew, and the trio were off.


While on his passenger run, James was still boasting when he got to Vicarstown.

"I'm the pride of the line," he grinned to Gordon, who just rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"I saw you pulling trucks today!" he grunted. "You're only a goods engine."

"You do realise that was the run to Peel Godred!" James retorted. This made Gordon soften at once.

"Oh… how are those three?"

"I saw the shyer of the two nameless engines today," James explained. "He said he had a bad morning, but I was able to tell him of Henry's forest expansion. That helped cheer him up a bit."

"That's good to hear," Gordon smiled slightly.

James was still upset about the "goods engine" comment Gordon had made, however, and wanted to get back at him somehow. "Sir Topham Hatt has plans for me."

Gordon blinked. "What plans?" he asked in surprise.

"Er… wait and see." James said lamely. Gordon didn't have time to question James any further, as his guard's whistle blew for him to take the express back the other way.

"Is that true, James?" asked Sean. "What plans does Sir Topham Hatt have for you?"

"Yeah," asked Harry. "Is there a special train you have to take?"

"If so," said Mick. "If it's a passenger train, can we be the coaches for it?"

"That would be fun!" smiled Dexter.

"Well… i-it's a surprise," said James. "Even I don't don't know the details."

Oh dear. Thought the red engine anxiously. Now what do I do?


The next day, Percy was shunting some shining new coaches.

"I'm glad Sir Topham Hatt managed to order these ones." he smiled. "I bet Gordon will be pleased with them."

Just then, James arrived.

"Good morning, James," greeted the saddle tank engine.

"Morning, Percy," replied James. "Are those coaches for me?"

"No," Percy explained, "these are for Gordon's express. I'll fetch your trucks next."

But James had an idea for a trick. "Actually, Percy," he said, "I'm pulling the express today. Sir Topham Hatt asked me to tell you."

"Oh, really?" asked Percy in surprise. "Well… I suppose I can't question Sir Topham Hatt's orders."

"No, indeed we can't." agreed the little engine's driver, and Percy shunted them to the platform as James was coupled on.

"Wait, James," called Percy. "What about the trucks?"

"Er… give them to Gordon," James did the engine equivalent of a shrug, and the red engine puffed away as the guard's whistle blew.

"O...kay then?" Percy set about to go find the trucks, and shunted them in place. By the time he went to get a brake van, Gordon arrived.

"Percy, where's my express?" demanded the big engine.

"Oh, didn't you hear?" asked Percy in surprise, as he shunted the brake van to the back of the train. "Sir Topham Hatt asked James to take the express today. And this is your goods train."

"But, I can't take this goods train-"

"Oh, not again, Gordon…" grunted Percy.

"Because it goes up to Peel Godred on a branch line!"

Percy blinked in shock, realising that Gordon would be too heavy on a branch line. "Uh-oh… this is a bit of a problem."

"Wait until Sir Topham Hatt hears about this." grunted Gordon's driver, and he scrambled down to find him.


"Oh, where is that James?!" snapped Sir Topham Hatt when he arrived at the yards.

"On his way to Crovan's Gate, sir," Percy explained. Just then, Thomas arrived at Knapford; his coaches in tow.

"What's going on here?" asked the blue tank engine.

Gordon and Percy explained to Thomas what happened. When they'd finished, Thomas was pale.

"I'll take the goods train," said Thomas firmly. "Percy, you handle Annie and Clarabel for now."

"Thomas…" trailed Percy in confusion.

"No time to argue, little Percy," Gordon agreed. Sir Topham Hatt nodded in agreement as well.

"Gordon, come with me," said Sir Topham Hatt. "We'll meet up with James at Crovan's Gate." He hopped into Gordon's cab and turned to the stationmaster. "Call up the Coal Mine and send for Julie to take over the shunting."


With the arrangements made, the three engines headed off accordingly; Percy was still very confused.

"Did you two understand what just happened?" asked Percy to the coaches.

"It's… kind of a long story," sighed Annie.

"We'll tell you when things calm down a bit," added Clarabel.


Meanwhile, James was enjoying himself tremendously.

"What a clever plan," he grinned to himself as he puffed up to the platform at Crovan's Gate. "Another smooth stop!"

Just then, Skarloey came up with the old coaches.

"Good day… James?!" Skarloey gasped in surprise. "I was expecting Gordon, what happened? Did he break down?"

"Oh, no," James said simply. "He just had to take one of my goods runs, that's all. Sir Topham Hatt's orders."

"Oh, no it was not!" came a firm voice, as Gordon pulled up to a stop beside the red engine. Out of his cab stepped Sir Topham Hatt, who was the one to have spoken.

James gulped. "Uh… hello sir?"

"Some jokes are funny, but not this one, James!" Sir Topham Hatt scolded. "You have caused confusion and… uh… confusion and uh… ahem. A whole lot of confusion!"

James fell into silence.

"You will stay in the shed until you are wanted!" he snapped. The red engine was uncoupled from the train and moved out of the way, while Gordon was coupled to the front of the train. Skarloey and the old coaches stared in shock as James slowly puffed away.

"Sorry you had to witness that," Gordon said quietly as Sir Topham Hatt went to ask permission to use the telephone to ring for Bertie to take him back to Knapford.

"That's alright," sighed Skarloey. "Some engines these days…"


At Peel Godred, Thomas had managed to take the goods train and was just in the nick of time.

"Made it…" he panted. He heard a whistle, and this time, it was No. 3 coming in with the connecting goods train.

"Thomas?" asked No. 3 in surprise. "I wasn't expecting you here. Where's James?"

"Er… there was a bit of a tangle." Thomas admitted. "But don't worry. As far as your manager is aware, the train came on time to this station."

No. 3 gave a small smile. "Thank you, Thomas," he said quietly. "You saved me, my brother and Freddie from a lot of trouble."

"Glad I could help."


At the sheds that evening, Thomas quickly explained to James exactly what train he'd missed out on.

"Oh, bust my buffers!" he gasped. "Not the Peel Godred goods train!"

"You were very lucky I got there in time." Thomas said crossly. "You know what that manager's like!"

"He doesn't like trains being late?" asked Percy as he came into the sheds.

"That's putting it mildly," sighed Thomas. "He doesn't listen, even when it's not the engine's fault for it."

"That's just cruel," grunted Toby as he backed onto the turntable. "Managers and controllers should listen to their engines when they have legitimate concerns."

"Indeed, Toby," agreed Henry. "They should only punish engines if there's a real reason for it." He glared at James meaningfully. The red engine sighed.

I'll have to give them a massive apology when I get out of the sheds. James thought sadly.


A few days later, James was out and about once more.

"There you are, James," smiled Percy when he was arranging another train. "Good to see you out and about again."

"I'm really sorry I tricked you, Percy," sighed James. "Are these my trucks?"

"Yes," replied Percy. "They are going up to Peel Godred."

"Oh, good," said James. As soon as Percy was out of the way, James buffered up to them and started away to the branch line.


When he got there, he met Freddie at the junction.

"Hello, James," he smiled, "the youngsters and I have missed you."

"I missed you three as well," said the red engine. "I'm really sorry about what happened a few days ago."

"I'm not quite sure what that tangle was that Thomas mentioned," said Freddie. "But I'm glad everything's alright now."

If not for that cruel manager, I'd tell them what really happened, thought James. "Yes, everything's alright on our railway now," he said out loud. "You and your younger friends take care, alright?"

"We will," smiled Freddie, as James puffed away when the guard's whistle blew.

For the rest of the day, James did his jobs without fuss and worked efficiently. It was good to be back in action again, even if some of his jobs were goods trains.


"Alright, James," said his driver at the end of the day. "Time for us to go home. No trucks or passengers, just you, me and the fireman."

But the driver was wrong. A man walked over to them.

"Good afternoon," he smiled, "I have a meeting with your controller, and I was a bit late for the last train. Could I please ride back with you?"

"Of course you can," said James' driver as the fireman allowed the man to hop into the cab. He then whispered to James, "this man is a railway inspector."

"Oh," James said, quite impressed as his driver got back onboard. The red engine set off as smoothly and as quickly as he could go all the way back to Knapford.

"Thank you, James," smiled the inspector, and he jumped down to greet Sir Topham Hatt. "Your clever engine gave me a splendid ride. You must be proud of him."

"I sure am indeed," agreed Sir Topham Hatt, and he glanced over at the red engine. "James," he said warmly, "once again, you are a really useful engine."

"Thank you, sir!" he smiled. Then he heard the sound of clanking coming into the station; Edward had just come in.

"Er… sir," said James, "Did Edward do my work when I was in the sheds?"

"He did," said Sir Topham Hatt. "Why?"

"Because he-"

"I'm okay, James!" called the blue engine. "I'd rather be working hard than hardly working."

Oh dear… James thought anxiously. His clanking's getting worse. This is not good…

The End?


Out of all the standalone episodes, this one probably has the biggest twist so far. Were you expecting the nameless Falcon and Stuart to appear in this story? I certainly wouldn't have thought of that until recently. This also adds some flaws to James' plan; Gordon's too heavy for the branch lines, and if Thomas had not stepped in, poor Falcon and Stuart would have been scolded even if the fault wasn't their own. Cruel manager, am I right?

Percy is also the station pilot at this point in time. I guess in season 3 they didn't have a set station pilot as he, Thomas and Duck rotated duties. I'll have to check with Zack on that one.

In case you haven't figured it out, the next story is actually Bertie's Chase, a cocurate story to this one. As the ending implies here, Edward doing two sets of jobs at once has made his clanking worse.

UPDATE! I had added Freddie in here.