Harry Potter sat staring into space, stirring a cold bowl of porridge. "Anyone ever notice that Peeves looks a lot like Professor Binns?" he asked suddenly, causing Hermione to look up from the tome she was reading. "He does?" she asked with a frown. "You know, I think you're right!" Ron agreed, "I didn't even notice before, but they could be twins!" As if summoned, Ron's elder brothers appeared by his sides. "What's this about twins Ronniekins?" one asked. "Harry was pointing out that Binns and Peeves look the same, something none of us had noticed before," Hermione answered for him. "Huh, you know we never realized that either Fred?" the other twin asked stroking an imaginary beard. "Wonder if it has any implications, George," his brother replied, likewise twirling an imaginary mustache. "This needs investigating!" they suddenly said in unison, startling Ron into choking on a sausage.
"Professor," Harry asked after his arm had started going numb in the air, "Might I ask if you are related to Peeves? Only, you look terribly alike." The ghostly professor looked as close to affronted as a being that dull could, "I never! Saying I'm related to a wheeze! Ten points from Hufflepuff, Mr. Parrow, and I shall thank you to keep your impertinence to yourself!" Trying to resist snickering at the mis-allocated deduction, and resigning himself to a lifetime of unsatisfied curiosity, Harry put his hand down and went back to drawing stick figures on his parchment.
"I've been reading," Hermione said as a she thumped a book onto the table in front of them. "We know Hermione, you never stop," Ron replied. "That book seems large even by your standards," Harry commented, while Hermione just rolled her eyes at the two of them and opened it to a bookmarked spot. "I found something interesting," She said, before reading the passage from the book.
"It has been observed that, in times of great distress or calamity, man might fracture his soul. Said fracture, bearing some spark of the original, ofttimes comes to the fore when further stress be placed on the body and mind. Being a focused portion; that is, having a greater share of the resilience required per the original calamity; such a portion then will assume control of the body the better to survive subsequent troubles. Ofttimes the born man is not even aware of this happenstance, being merely troubled at a lost period of memory." "Um, is this some type of magic thing I don't know about?" Harry asked, but Ron shook his head. "Nah mate, I didn't even understand most of that." "Non-magicals call it Multiple Personality disorder," Hermione said with a huff. "When someone experiences something traumatic, a part of their mind splits off and makes its own person," she explained, "Then, when triggered, it takes over the body to cope with the stress; retreating back into the subconscious when no longer needed. Usually, the person doesn't even realise."
"I think I got that, but why are you telling us this?" Harry asked. "What was the first thing people told us about professor Binns?" She asked. "That he's a ghost?" Ron replied, although it was clear he was just as lost as Harry. "Okay the second one then," Hermione continued with a huff. "They say he died in the staffroom one evening, and then just got up to teach again while leaving his body behind." She looked at them eagerly, as though whatever she was getting at were obvious. "I still don't get it," Ron said, and Harry nodded as well. "How can you not notice being dead?" Hermione finally asked. "If, as the book says, a traumatic event causes the 'soul' to split, isn't it possible that Professor Binns and Peeves aren't twins?" "They're the same person?" Ron asked. "That's very interesting," Harry said, "Do you think anyone has tried finding out?" "I doubt it," Hermione said, "Otherwise he likely wouldn't have taken the suggestion that he was related to Peeves quite so lightly." The three spent the rest of the evening chatting and, in the case of the boys, finishing essays. Throughout the rest of the evening, Harry would occasionally get a thoughtful look on his face, before replying to whatever one of the others had just said. The next day, he finished his breakfast much faster than usual, before going over to the twins and having a hushed discussion.
"Peeves, can we play a game?" Harry asked the poltergeist that Saturday. Peeves stopped putting purple paint on a suit of armor and turned to see who was talking to him. "Ooh! Potty wants to play gamesies! Shall we play dodge the poo? Hide and see through the bloomers?" "No, a race. And if you win, I'll help you prank someone," Harry quickly interrupted him before he could decide to play a game using Harry rather than with him, "I can go invisible too, you see, so I could help with a really good prank." Peeves stroked a pointed beard that Harry could have sworn he hadn't had earlier, "How is potty going to win a race against a ghostie? He can go through walls? Very good for japes then." "No, we'll have to stay in the hallways, otherwise it isn't a fair race," Harry insisted. "We'll race from right here to class 4F. First one there has to help the other with a prank." Peeves let out a cackle and rubbed his hand together. Before Harry could say anything else, the poltergeist yelled "Go!" and flew down the hallway blowing raspberries the whole way. Harry, with a lot of experience in running, managed to catch up quickly. It was clear the ghost was just toying with him, though, as it somehow managed to always be just in the lead.
Professor Snape was heading towards the library, intent on cross-referencing a reaction he had read in a journal with one of the books therein, when he found his cloak tossed over his head as he heard the cackling of the resident poltergeist pass him by. "Sorry professor!" he heard Potter yell as he ran after the spirit. With a grumble, Snape started following the pair at a brisk walk. They had gone around the corner too fast for him to immobilize the foolish boy, and he hoped he caught up with the whippersnapper before he did himself an injury. 'Idiot boy,' he thought as he strode along, 'there are wide open spaces outside, yet he chooses to run after a spirit of mischief in a castle known for having the opposite of a fixed layout.' As he reached Harry, who stood panting outside the door to the history class, he prepared to deliver a well-deserved tongue-lashing when he realized that the boy wasn't looking at him, but into the class.
"What is the meaning… of…" The professor trailed off as he saw the history professor and the poltergeist circling each other staring intently. "I never noticed how similar they looked," He said, forgetting who he was talking to for the moment. "No one has, I think," Harry replied just as absently, before realizing who was next to him and adding a quick "Sir". Inside, the two spirits started glowing, very faint crackles becoming audible and translucent sparks flying off them as they nearly touched. "You…" Binns said, "He…" Peeves replied, for once in a normal tone of voice. With a sudden crack, the two seemed to fuse together into a slightly more solid-looking Binns. "That bastard!" he yelled as he looked around in shock. "You," he said loudly, pointing at Snape. "Where is that sone of a whore Black?" "In Azkaban, where he belongs," Snape replied without his trademark sneer, before asking "What just happened to you?" "I remembered," Binns replied. "I remembered realizing I was poisoned, but unable to move. I remembered horrible pain, and then nothing. How did they figure out Black wanted my job?" "Wanted your job?" Snape asked bemused, "Who exactly are you talking about?" he asked. "Phineas of course! That cunt wanted an 'easy job'. Ha! As if history is simple. No, the strawpole was more interested in having students over for a quick tickle than actually teaching," the ghost ranted, biting his thumb at the end.
"Phineas Nigellus Black has been dead for a long time," Snape finally said when his shock wore off. Harry simply stood staring at awe at this new, profanity laden teacher. 'This is going to be great!' he thought, happy to finally have a history class instead of nap time. "I will escort you to the headmaster's office," Snape was saying, " There is a portrait of headmaster black that might shine some light on the subject. "Black is dead?" Binns asked with a smile, before frowning, "And he's a portrait you say." "Yes, now if you will come with me I am sure the head-" "You there, Potty, or whatever your name is," Binns interrupted the now scowling potions master. "You owe me a prank, I remember that much. Tell me, do you know where I might find a flask of terebinthine?"
The following Monday, students were surprised to see Professor Binns waiting for them when they arrived. Professor Sinistra was also sitting on a chair in the corner, which had some wondering how she was awake given that her class was at night. "Welcome class!" the ghost said. "I am, as you might notice, much improved of late. Naptime is therefore cancelled." Chuckling to let them know he was joking, and ignoring the few groans, Binns took roll for the first time in living memory. "As you can see," he began, "we have a guest. Please pay our star professor no mind, she's simply here to make sure I still know how to teach history. Which is amusing, considering I remember much of it." Pausing for the few chuckles to subside, Binns finally started his lecture. "Now, Uric the oddball, named after his testicle more than his behavior…" he started, only to have the other professor clearing her throat at him, which he promptly ignored.
"And so ended the idiotic attempt at a 'Werewolf code of conduct', that no one showed up to sign" Binns was saying, some of the class still having tears in their eyes from previous bouts of laughter. "You know, " Binns said with a glint in his eye, "I never really understood the whole issue with werewolves. Sure they can be dangerous, but I bet you aren't any fun to be around once a month either are you my dear?" It was clear that Professor Sinistra had had enough as she stood with what nearby students would swear was a growl. "Homework is to summarise the relevant pages in your textbooks," Binns said loudly as he floated away from the professor advancing on him with a glow to the tip of her wand, "Remember, the tests want to know names, dates, and facts. The rest is the interesting bits!" Binns yelled as he gave up floating and outright fled down the hallway just as the bell rang.
"P-p-p-pre-posterous Ms. G-g-granger! A wizard becoming two g-ghosts because they d-d-died p-poorly? Why, w-we'd have h-hundreds more g-ghosts after the d-d-dark l-lord's rule! And a-all t-this because of s-something you r-r-r-read in a book likely-y writ-t-ten by a muggle?!" Hermione stood defiant, ready to give her sources and defend her presentation to Professor Quirrel, while Harry was seconds away from jumping up to defend her himself, when Professor Binns' head poked through the blackboard, followed by the rest of him a she snuck up behind the Defence Professor. "She's right, you know?" he said with an almost unnaturally wide grin, breaking into cackles as the man gave a high-pitched shriek and diving behind his desk. He came back up wand first, bristling at the laughing ghost and students.
