Hello friends,
This chapter is kind of rough so spoilers, but TW: pregnancy loss
LTP
New Life Makes Losing Life Easier to Understand
(Jack Johnson: If I Could)
How long has it been? 6 or 7 weeks? Well I could be really late. I've never been late before though. Especially not several weeks late... We only did it one time without a condom when we were camping... No, no we had sex the night of the funeral without one too. Oh, God, what about last week? I don't think... It doesn't matter anyways, I have the implant. What if it's worn off by now? No, it's supposed to be good for five years right? Google says four. Okay well, Wren convinced me to get it when we turned 15, so 2008 would be, one, two... fuck.
"Oh my God," Cath gasped.
Levi was working from 6:00am to 2:00pm. He wouldn't be home for another seven hours. She was entirely alone in the house and growing very nauseous.
After a quick trip to dry heave in the bathroom, she pulled on a pair of Levi's sweats and headed out the door. There was a little drugstore about 10 blocks away, so she knew she had more than enough time to buy what she needed, get home and get the test over with before Levi even knew what happened.
In the store, however, there were too many choices for her to pick from. Several brands, different prices. She didn't know what she was supposed to choose. A female employee passing by noticed Cath standing there with a confused and distraught look on her face and stopped to talk to her.
"Can I help you?"
"How do you pick these things?" She asked, embarrassed that she was seen looking at them.
"Honestly, you can choose any of them. They're all basically the same and when you get down to it, all you need is a result. I used two when I found out I was pregnant just so I could make sure it wasn't a false positive or anything."
"Ma'am... Did you want your baby?"
She chewed her lip and thought about her answer for a moment.
"Not at first, but by the end of the second trimester I was excited. Now my son is my favorite person in the world."
"Okay... Thank you." Cath nodded, grabbing two different tests.
"Do you want me to check you out? The only other cashier today is a boy your age."
"Yes, please."
Peeing on a stick is a lot harder than Cath had expected, but she got it done. The test had to sit there for five excruciatingly long minutes before she could check it. Around minute number three of pacing in the hallway she picked up her phone and called Reagan.
"Hey Cath, what's up?" Reagan grunted, it was earlier in the day than she had realized.
"I'm sorry, did I wake you up?"
"No, not reall-wait, are you crying right now?"
"Yeah. Well, I'm trying not to, but yes."
"What's going on? It's 9 am, what could possibly be going down right now?"
"I'm taking a pregnancy test."
"What?" Reagan yelled.
Cath sniffled, "Levi isn't home right now."
"And you called me?"
"I didn't know who else to call..."
"You called me before you called your sister?"
"Yes..."
"Is it bad that I'm a little bit flattered?" She said, contently.
The timer began screeching.
"What is that?"
"I'm supposed to check it now."
Cath stood up with the phone pressed to her ear and shakily picked up the stick.
"No..." She moaned, plopping down onto the toilet seat, "Reagan, it's positive."
"Wow."
"I have another one. I've been drinking a lot of water, so I'm going to try again."
She set the phone aside and buried the first test in the trash, then opened the second test. It was easier to aim this time.
"Okay, now I have to wait another five minutes."
"Well, I'm right here with ya," Reagan must've been smoking by the sound of her breath.
"I'm breaking every rule, aren't I?"
"That's okay, I think we're past that now. This is different."
They made small talk, just waiting for the timer to go off for the second time. It read 'pregnant' before the five minutes were even up.
"Reagan, I don't want to have a baby."
"You don't have to," she said.
"What do you mean?"
"There's always... well, you know."
"An abortion?!" Cath yelped.
"It's an option. I know it's a shitty option, but I could go with you."
"You're right... I'm too young for this. I still have to graduate," she was wiping tears off of her cheeks. "I can hardly handle taking care of myself, let alone a baby."
"It's just one option, Cath. You don't need to decide right now, there's always adoption or even keeping it. Maybe foster care, so you could try to find it later."
"I can't be pregnant. Could you imagine how absolutely catastrophic that would be? You're my roommate."
"Right. Well, no matter what you decide, I'll be there to help you out."
"Thank you, Reagan." Cath smiled a little, "why are you so calm about this?"
"My sister went through the same thing. I kind of understand what you're going through, this isn't a little thing. This is huge."
"Thanks."
The two girls talked for an hour longer, avoiding the baby topic. They just talked and caught up with each other. It was really nice to talk to someone who wasn't Levi. She was getting kind of lonely. Reagan was much easier to talk to than she used to be; a lot more relatable and understanding. As they started wrapping up their conversation Cath passed the bathroom with the life altering little stick still sitting there.
"Hey, Reagan," she interrupted her goodbye, frantically.
"Yeah?"
"How am I supposed to tell Levi about this?"
Reagan let out a "hmph."
"He's not going to let me give away the baby, let alone have an...a that."
"I didn't even think about him in all this. You're right though, he's going to flip."
"Fuck," Cath groaned.
"Well, you could not tell him."
"That's not really an option. He would notice."
"Just... tell him it's not his choice," Reagan suggested.
"This is too hard."
"I know, I wish I could do something to help."
"You've already been a big help," Cath said.
"Keep me posted, okay?"
"Okay."
At half past two, the bedroom door clicked open and in walked Levi in his all black clothes. He smiled wide when he saw her sitting on the bed, reading.
"Hello, beautiful," his eyes were practically gleaming.
"Hey," Cath said, setting her book aside. "I need to talk to you about something."
His smile faded away, "Oh, uhm, alright. What's going on?"
"So, this morning, I was looking at my calendar on my phone, and I, uhm... I noticed that I didn't get my period this month. So, I went to the store and I talked to this lady and she was really sweet, because she said that she had a son and she loved him now and that made me feel a million times better because I was getting..." When she looked up at Levi, he looked lost. Cath took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, "Levi, I'm pregnant."
He looked her face over, "you're sure?"
"I took two tests," she nodded.
"My mom is going to kill me," his eyes had a far off look in them. "We'll need to work on some stuff... finances... better job..."
His voice was in and out, trailing off in an uncharacteristically money-related monologue. There was a smile on the edge of his mouth.
"I'm going to schedule an appointment in the morning," she interrupted
"An appointment?"
"At the campus clinic, I think they're technically a Planned Parenthood. They'll check on it and they'll help me go through my options."
"What do you mean by options?" He focused on her and frowned.
"Whether I want to keep it or not, what's the best way to... terminate the pregnancy." Cath squeaked.
"Excuse me?" Levi scoffed, "you're not going to even let this sink in first?"
"Levi, I've had all day to let it sink in. I'm just not ready to-"
He was up on his feet, "No, you can't fucking do that!"
"I don't know if I'm even going through with it, it's just a thought."
"Well, wipe that thought. You're not going to have an abortion." When he said the last word, his voice cracked.
"Levi, please, just listen to me..."
"No, I don't care how you want to do this. We could go elope and no one will be any the wiser, or just have the thing and I'll help you take care of it until you're ready to get married or-"
It was her turn to stand up.
"You don't care?!"Cath yelled, "well here's a fun fact, Levi; it doesn't matter if you fucking care!"
He grabbed her by her shoulders and pulled her forward gently, "Cather, you can't do this."
"No, Levi, I can't." She shrugged his hands off of her, "That's what I'm trying to tell you!"
"Can't we at least talk about this?!"
"I wanted to, but then you started yelling at me!"
"You said you want to 'terminate the pregnancy.' That's not talking, that's fucking informing!"
Levi had never yelled like that before in front of her, and she never expected that kind of anger to be directed towards her. A fire began to fill her body.
"It was just a thought!" She yelled back, "you're not listening to me!
"Well, fine, what else did you have to say about it then?" He asked in a lower tone, but with an even amount of malice.
"Does it matter what I say? You're not going to want to hear what I have to offer anyways," Cath folded her arms.
"Don't put words in my mouth, what do you have to say?" His voice was colder than she had ever heard it. It made his words sound harsh and sharp.
"Well, we could always give it up for adoption if I can't go through with the... that."
"You were right, I didn't want to hear that at all."
"I don't know what you want from me," she began to pace around the room. "I always thought you were more understanding than this."
"I try to be," Levi looked down at his feet. "But it's so different from this side. I mean, I haven't even gotten the chance to register what's happening and here you are trying to take it away already."
Cath kept pacing, but listened carefully as he spoke.
"Look, I really don't think men have any right to force women into having or not having an abortion. But when it's my baby too, it feels so different. I think I should at least get to make a case..."
"I'm not making a decision yet," she rubbed her nose on her sleeve. "So, make your case."
Levi closed his eyes and took in the quiet for a moment.
"I just lost my grandma, and I think this feels like a new beginning."
She shivered, "do you have a reason that makes me feel less guilty?"
"You're right, m'sorry. That's not fair of me to put on you." He ran his hand through his hair, "I've always wanted kids. I thought I'd be married first, but you're the only woman I can imagine being with anymore, anyways..."
"That's a pretty good one though. It's very convincing."
"It's true..." He followed her with his eyes.
Cath sat on the edge of the bed and began sobbing into her hands. Her body was completely worn out from all the yelling and crying. She wasn't sure she could take much more of it.
"Levi..." she sniffled, "will you still love me if I'm a planet?"
"Of course." Levi sat beside her and kissed the top of her head.
"Levi, what if I don't love it."
He didn't say anything, just rubbed his hand on her back.
"Levi?"
"Yes, sweetheart?"
"I don't want to have a baby..."
"Look Cather; at the end of the day, it is your body, but you know where I stand. Even if you wanted to leave me after having it, I would understand." A couple tears rolled down his cheeks and she knew that was one of the hardest things he's ever had to say.
"Then I'd be no better than my mom," she shook her head. "I think I understand her better now though."
Levi pulled her onto his lap and squeezed her belly, "There might not even be a baby in there, I mean it could've been a false positive or somethin'."
He held her for a long time, almost apologetically, until his arms grew too tired to stay in that position. Cath pushed him back onto the bed and curled up by his side with her arm draped across his chest.
"What would we name it?" She asked.
"I like Ida for a girl... Or Celeste. I like Henry for a boy though."
"You like old people names." Cath whispered.
"What can I say? I like real country folk names," he said in his drawly voice. "What about you?"
"I kind of like the names Peter and Wendy. Like from Peter Pan."
"My name was almost Peter."
"Oh yeah?" She snuggled up closer to his chest, "would you want it to be a boy or a girl?"
"I'd much rather have a girl."
"Really?"
"Oh, definitely. After my parents had Mary, I knew I'd love my own little baby girl that I could take care of. And I'm the middle child and only boy from a family of girls, I feel like I'd love for my first child to be a daughter, so that the others can follow in her footsteps, like I did."
"That's really cute."
"Which would you rather?"
"Neither... but I like listening to you talk about it."
They began drifting off into their own thoughts for a few minutes. Levi took a deep breath and ran his fingers through her hair.
"I shouldn't have yelled at you," he said.
"No, you shouldn't have."
Cath hid her face under his arm, swallowing tears.
"Will you get me a glass of water?" She asked.
"No problem. I'll be back in a sec."
He was gone and back quickly, but this time when he entered the room, his face was worn out.
"Why didn't you call me earlier? Or wait for me?" Levi handed her the tall glass.
"I don't know, I was afraid."
"Of me?"
She took a drink, but didn't respond.
"You didn't have to go through that alone," he kissed her forehead.
"I didn't," Cath shook her head. "I called Reagan."
"Reagan? Why, Reagan?"
"Because I trust her."
"So, who knows about this then?" He bit his knuckle.
"Just us and her," Cath said, taking his hand from his mouth and holding it with both of hers.
His eyebrow bounced up, "Wren doesn't know?"
"I don't want her to know yet."
"Okay."
"You are pregnant," the doctor said, looking over the results, "but your hCG levels are very high. We want to run a few more tests and get you in for an ultrasound."
"My hCG levels are high, what does that mean?" Cath asked, squeezing Levi's hand
"Human chorionic gonadotropin, it's the hormone produced during pregnancy. The problem is that high hCG levels are often in correlation with an ectopic pregnancy."
"What's an ectopic pregnancy?" She asked.
"It's when the egg attaches itself outside of the uterus. I'm not trying to scare you, I just want to be forward with you. It may not be anything at all, but 2 percent of pregnancies are ectopic."
Levi cleared his throat, "if it is an ectopic pregnancy, is it going to hurt her?"
"No, Catherine-"
"It's just Cather," she corrected him.
"My apologies," the doctor nodded and looked at her file on his screen to double check. "But no, because we've caught it so early on, you should be completely fine. You may not even need a salpingectomy ."
"'-Ectomy?' Like removing something?" Cath looked over to Levi with wide eyes.
"If this is an ectopic pregnancy, it will have to be terminated."
"Oh, so the baby is going to die."
"Well, technically, it's not a baby quite yet, just an embryo, but we don't know if it's going to come to that yet."
"Okay," she squeezed his hand again.
"I'm going to go get prepped for a vaginal exam, I'll go get you a gown. I don't know if you're comfortable with him being here for this or not, but if you want, there are seats out here for him to wait."
"That's alright, doctor. He got me pregnant, he's seen everything..."
Levi laughed a little. The doctor smiled awkwardly and left the two of them briefly, then came back in with a patient's gown.
"You'll need to strip down and put this on. I'll be back in a few minutes and we'll get started." As he was leaving, he quickly asked if she would like a female nurse in the room out of courtesy.
"No, thank you. I have Levi."
The doctor nodded, and left the room. Cath undressed down to just her bra. Levi stood, wrapping her up in his arms and just swayed for a minute.
"I don't know what I can do to help you," he sighed.
"You could start by letting me go so I can put the gown on."
Levi helped her into the thin, papery cover-up and took his time tying it up in the back. Neither of them had anything to say, so she sat between his legs on the table and let him play with her hair until the doctor came back.
"Sorry about the wait," he said, setting down a tray of tools on the counter. "If you'll please step aside, Levi, we can get started."
"Yes, sir."
The doctor pulled two stirrups from the side of the table.
"I need you to lie flat and put your feet on these."
"Okay."
"Now scoot your tush all the way up to the edge."
"Uhm, okay..."
Cath felt overly exposed enough as he began the exam, but when he inserted the speculum she felt downright violated. He made sure to check in on her periodically and Levi held her hand the entire time. By the time it was over, Cath was almost excited for the ultrasound.
When she finally got to the ultrasound though, she began to tear up. Not because it was violating, or that the goo was going to stay on her stomach for about 10 showers, but because they found the little chickpea-sized dot almost immediately. It was just a tiny little blip sitting in there. The technician looked a little distressed.
"That's a little embryo right there alright," she said, snapping a couple pictures on the machine. "You can get cleaned up, I'll go talk to the doctor and see what he thinks the next step should be."
She handed Cath a scratchy, damp washcloth and some strong smelling soap, then left to find the doctor. Levi took them from her and started wiping off the transmission gel.
"Levi, I'm pregnant. There's a baby in there."
"I saw it," he murmured.
"I don't want to have a baby," she choked out. "Why am I so sad?"
Levi sat down and took her hand.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart."
Cath had never had surgery before, but they got her in that same week as an emergency. The doctor said it was a very simple one though. They'd make a tiny little slit on her stomach, get into the tube and get the embryo out. Calling it an embryo made her feel less like it was a baby. They told her that it really wasn't a baby yet anyway, and to think of it as an abnormality that could kill her in a very painful way. It was a little dark, but it helped.
Levi didn't leave her side until he had to, but when she left the OR he was right there in her room at her bedside. The doctor told him that she would be fine and ready to leave once she woke up. She slept for a long time, almost long enough to concern the nurse. He knew she was just tired though. Her body needed the rest after such a stressful few days.
On the drive back home, Cath sat as close to Levi as he'd let her and watched the other cars. She wanted him to pull over and just hold her for a while, but couldn't find the words to ask him. It was one of the most agonizingly long car rides of her life.
When they got home, he offered to carry her up the stairs. On any other day, she'd have declined immediately and would have been a little insulted, but the nurse told her she needed to take it easy. Honestly, it felt nice to feel so close to him, with one arm under her knees and the other on the small of her back. She snuggled into his neck, taking a deep breath and felt his heart beating in a slow, hard rhythm
The bed felt like a cloud when she sat down. Levi sat beside her and took her hand as she began sobbing. It was a busy day that felt simultaneously too fast and too slow, like the quickest passing millennia. Her mind was a mess and the floppy-haired boy next to her looked even worse. They were falling apart. When all of her tears finally ran out, she tried to focus on her boyfriend.
His jaw was clenched and his eyes were distant. The flannel shirt he was wearing needed to be washed desperately; it had been dirty when he put it on the day before. She made a mental note to remind him to do laundry in the morning.
Levi stood up and began to strip without saying anything, like he knew that she was thinking about his gross shirt. He looked at himself in the mirror, just wearing his boxer briefs, and sighed.
"So, in a few years if we were to get married, you really wouldn't want any kids?"
She hadn't thought about that being a problem still. Was he focused on that?
"I don't know, that's hard to say. I just don't want to be a bad mom."
"You wouldn't be a bad mom," he sat back on the bed to kiss her forehead.
"I didn't have a mom growing up, what would I do? Everything I learned, I learned online." She sniffed.
"That's why you'd be a good mom, you'd actively try to do the right thing just to not be like her."
His jaw clenched suddenly, then released, "you should lie down, sweetheart."
"Will you lay down with me?"
He nodded, scooping her into his arms and tucking her in like a child. Then crawled under the covers beside her, letting her slide right back into his arms.
Levi had been calm through all of it and she had to admit it was impressive. He actually wanted it, or at least he thought he did.
"Why haven't you cried?" Cath asked.
"I don't know," he said.
"Did you change your mind about it? Did you not want to have it anymore?"
"I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?" She pressed.
"I don't know."
"Stop saying you don't know!"
"I can't," he held tighter to her. "I don't want to be upset about this anymore. It feels like my heart is so heavy."
"So cry," Cath rested her ear against his chest.
"No."
"It'll make you feel better..."
"It'll make you feel worse," he whispered.
"That's okay, it's your turn to cry."
Levi had nothing else to say and neither did she. Besides the slow thumping in his chest and her jagged breathing, there was no sound. The quiet made her more aware of the hot tears on the pillow and in her hair, and the shivers that ran through his body. Cath didn't say anything about it. She just let him hold onto her, too tight for comfort, until he fell asleep.
