This is where I left IBYL last time I posted, so I'm going to post the next two chapters after this.
I won't post 30+ until the whole set is finished, but hopefully it won't be long til it's done.
LTP
I Bet the Room Just Won't Shine
(Matchbox Twenty: If You're Gone)
Levi was breaking down. He stopped smiling. Well, he did, but not the way he used to. They were always forced or rare or just very small, dim smiles. He was having nightmares again too. So much of his energy was being wasted on trying not to cry or be sad that he was stripping himself down to nothing. His light went from crackling campfire to a Zippo.
It was beginning to be too hard to look him in the eyes. At first they stopped having sex so that Cath could recover, but after the bleeding stopped and the pain went away, they tried once. It was awkward and choreish, and they didn't try again. He only ever kissed her forehead at that point. Cath found herself trying to come up with reasons why she had to go out.
While he was at work, she'd take her laptop or a Simon book and walk to campus, just to get away from the aerie. It gave her an excuse to be away for a long time. When he asked why she was going so far just to write, she told him it was for exercise. One evening he offered to pick her up after work and when she declined, he stopped offering.
"I'm thinking about going out to Columbus to look over the house this Saturday," Levi said, taking another bite of his apple.
"Okay."
"You want to go?" He didn't look up at her.
"Would you take me home?" Cath smiled a little at the thought of seeing Wren.
He pursed his lips and nodded.
"Thanks."
"You don't want to go with me?" His eyes were glossy.
"Do you want me to?"
"No, it's not that. I just want you to be okay," Levi frowned hard; it wasn't a fitting look on him. "I just don't want to have to come back for you early."
"Oh." Her chest tightened. "I, uhm, have to pee."
"'Kay?"
She sat down on the seat and began to sob. Things weren't working anymore. It was becoming unbearable. Levi was becoming unbearable. They still loved each other, but there was too much ache fogging up the air for them to get through it. The honeymoon phase was over and the plane ride out of it was experiencing some turbulence.
When she made her way back up to the room, Levi had his face buried into his pillow. Although he was so still and breathing calmly, she could tell that he was still awake. The apple was on the ground, with a little gritty puddle to the side of it like it had been thrown down and started to roll away. Cath crawled onto the bed and rubbed his back until he fell asleep.
That weekend at home, Cath pretended that everything was fine. It was exhausting, but she pulled it off. Wren wasn't any the wiser.
"Are you excited for school to start?" Her sister asked.
"I'm excited to move into the dorms, the house gets way too hot. I've missed the AC," she laughed.
"You can stay in my room with me sometimes if my roommate's cool."
"Please, even if she isn't cool. We'll just go full on Shining twins on her ass."
"Definitely," Wren laughed. "By the way, your ass looks really good. Have you been doing squats or something?"
"I've been walking almost 8 miles everyday."
Her eyes widened.
"What the fuck? Why?"
"Just to kill time. I've been going to this spot by the English building where it's really relaxing to read and write."
"Jesus, you go that far to work on a fic? You're nuts."
"Actually, I've been practicing writing original stuff. I haven't written any fanfiction in at least a month."
Wren stood up on her bed and put her hands over Baz's ears on a poster the way she had the summer before they went to school when she was reading Professor Piper's books.
"Are you telling me you're falling out of love with the light of your life?"
Cath almost started to cry right then.
"I could never fall out of love with him." She said assertively, but wasn't sure which boy she was talking about.
"Phew, I almost thought you were a non-believer for a second there, Cath."
Me too, she thought.
Her sister moved to sit next to her and took her hand, "hey, I was just kidding. Simon and Baz will always love us, and we'll always love them. None of us are going anywhere."
"You're right," Cath offered up a weak smile and excused herself to the shower.
They got all of her things set up in her dorm room, everything in its place. Commemorative busts on the desk, sheets on the bed, clothes in their place. Reagan was moving in on Sunday and Wren was going to be in on Monday. Levi had the day off, so it was easier for them to bring her things over on Friday.
Up in his room, almost all of her things were gone. There was very little trace that she had ever lived in there besides her laptop and a handful of other things. She felt like he was kicking her out.
He was sitting at the foot of the bed, watching her closely and patting beside him for her to sit down.
"I think we should break up," Cath said, suddenly.
"What?"
She had caught him off guard.
"We can't do this anymore."
"What are you talking about? Cather, are you alright?" Levi's face was all eyes.
She shivered, "this entire summer, it just made me realize how wrong we are. Everytime I look at you it looks like your heart breaks just a little bit more. You've been miserable. You can't keep everything in anymore just to keep me from being sad. You're stripping yourself down to bone. There won't be anything left of you."
"No, no that isn't true! I love you, I promise. You make me happy," he was holding her hand too hard.
The room was too small for her to pace around. It was too small to breathe.
"I used to make you happy. We didn't make it past the honeymoon phase; you're not happy."
"Jesus, Cath! A lot has happened this summer, I'm allowed to be sad sometimes. My grandma and the surgery; the pregnancy, it's not like that was your fault. We were there together for that, I loved you through that. I need time to get back on my feet again."
She couldn't listen to him argue. This, she knew, was too urgent for him to talk her out of it.
Cath swallowed the lump climbing up her throat, "I'm going to grab the last of my things and go home."
Moving quickly around the room and shoving a few odds and ends into her bag, she managed to not turn around to look at Levi who was following close behind her, frantic.
"Please, wait! Sweetheart, why are you doing this? Just talk to me, please." His voice was wet.
"Levi, I'm leaving. That's it. I can't let you talk me out of this, this needs to happen." She took a deep breath and forced the lump down again, "I love you so much, but I think this is the right move for us. We need to separate before we're dependent on and disgusted by each other. I can't have you hate me."
"No, Cather, I could never hate you. Please, just sit down with me and we can talk about this."
"I can't, Levi, I just- no, not just," she sighed and shook her head. "I have to go."
His footsteps were loud and clunky behind her every step. They were outside when Cath turned to look him over for the last time. He was on the doormat, down on his knees with his hands clenched in front of him.
"Goodbye Levi," she knelt beside him, kissed the top of his head and left.
Just like that, she was walking away, forcing the sound of Levi's cries out of her head, knowing that if she turned around, there was no leaving. She knew that this was something they had to do and during the five mile walk to her dorm, Cath didn't shed a single tear. As soon as her head hit her pillow, however, she began to scream.
When she realized that she had stopped screaming it was 10am the next morning. Her phone was almost dead, but there was one missed call, one voicemail, and two texts.
They read:
fuck you cath.
and
im sorry.
