Here is it, readers! This is the 25th chapter of this story!
Now, I'm planning on ending this story with 30 chapters total! This is to avoid this story from jumping the shark if you know what I mean. However, I will write more stories for this series. That won't stop. I hope you understand that reason.
Anyway, for this chapter, Charles plays the tuba loudly, Hawkeye and BJ stink themselves up and not take a shower again, the people all recall how this happened before, and Andrew gets sick of it and moves out of the Swamp temporarily and bunks with Margaret until this whole issue is resolved. How will this go for everyone in the M*A*S*H 4077? Find out right now!
AT THE M*A*S*H 4077:
It was a new day in the M*A*S*H 4077. It had been especially busy lately, with all the wounded and casualties piling up into the 4077. Everyone was being driven to the brink of exhaustion. Countless hours were spent in OR, and it felt like a never-ending disaster, one after the other.
Thankfully, the last batch of wounded shipped over had been treated, and there were no more further casualties expected to show up for a while. Andrew, in particular, was especially exhausted. It wasn't noticeable when he was in OR, but his eyes were bloodshot. His eyelids have come close to shutting like a curtain. And he had to drink at least 7 cups of coffee a day to get through OR. But now it was all over, and he could finally relax a little.
Entering the mess tent, Andrew found a table that was being occupied by only Hawkeye, BJ, and Father Mulcahy. Based on the facial expressions shown on the two captains, it was clear that they were just as exhausted as he is, especially after countless hours of being in the OR.
After getting his meal, and yet another cup of coffee, he went to that table to join them. Andrew was given three greetings from the others, resulting in him giving them a tired-out 'hey'. Several minutes after that, the captains decided to start a conversation.
"Well, I don't know about you guys," BJ stretched. "But I'm just about beat from spending several hours in OR."
"Tell me about it Beej," Hawkeye moaned. "All these sessions of performing meatball surgery felt like another Holocaust was upon us."
"Yeah. And we wouldn't want that," Andrew deadpanned tiredly before yawning.
"Major, you don't look so good," Father Mulcahy said. "You look like you could use some well-deserved shuteye."
"Isn't it obvious," Andrew groaned, rubbing his eyes. "I haven't slept a wink, even after all these OR sessions took place. I have to drink coffee just to keep myself going throughout all those moments in the operating room."
"Anyone who slaves himself in OR would have to feel that worn out," Hawkeye commented.
"You worked really hard in OR, so you deserve some sleep," BJ ensured him.
"Yeah. If only it were that simple," Andrew murmured.
"Major, what do you mean by that?" Father Mulcahy was curious about this.
Before Andrew could answer, Colonel Potter and Margaret Houlihan came into the mess tent with their own meals, as they approached their table.
"Afternoon folks," Colonel Potter got their attention, sitting down next to Father Mulcahy.
The responses varied from different people, with an enthusiastic 'hello' from the Padre, indifferent 'heys' from Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt, and an exhausted 'hi' coming from Andrew, who let out a tired yawn.
"Jumping Jeronimo," Colonel Potter took notice of Andrew's worn-out facial expression as Margaret sat next to the tired major. "Andrew, you look as worn out as my old mule after spending several hours doing yard work and landscaping."
"Well Colonel," Andrew murmured. "I'm just beat. I feel like I'm about ready to pass out."
"I know how you feel darling," Margaret assured him. "You worked really hard in OR. You deserve to have some sleep."
"Thanks for the support, dear," Andrew struggled to smile through his tired expression.
"Come to think of it, we're all very exhausted from OR," Hawkeye remarked. "I think all of us are about ready to hit the sack and count 100 sheep."
"Nothing would bring me more comfort than spending at least 8 hours in a soft plush bed," BJ added.
"What you boys need is a shower," Colonel Potter suggested. "Perhaps taking a nice hot one will help with easing those tense nerves."
"Oh yeah, Colonel. Because nothing will help us relax more than a nice hot shower," Hawkeye retorted, as Andrew felt himself zoning out.
"There's more to this exhaustion than spending hours in OR," BJ brought up.
Andrew had closed his eyes and inadvertently found himself leaning onto Margaret's left shoulder since he was that tired. Margaret felt this as she tried shaking him awake.
"Honey? Are you able to stay awake?" She asked while shaking him.
"Wuh!? Wuh!? Oh!" Andrew bolted up before drooping his eyelids again. "I'm sorry about that Margaret."
"It's okay Andrew," she was being understanding of the situation. "After you take a nice shower, I'll help you to the Swamp so you don't pass out while heading there. How does that sound, darling?"
"Oh Margaret my dear, I would love to have that," Andrew yawned. "But as I said before, I wish it were that easy for me to fall asleep with some quiet."
"What's that suppose to mean," Colonel Potter was curious.
"I was asking the same thing earlier," Father Mulcahy spoke up. "What do you mean by that?"
Sadly, before Andrew could answer, the sound of a loud obnoxious tuba was heard coming all the way from the Swamp. Andrew felt his eyes shoot open as he knew what that was, letting out a groan in irritation. Hawkeye and BJ were just as annoyed by this, as they also knew exactly what that way.
"Aww," BJ groaned. "Little Boy Blue Blood is starting on his tuba again!"
"Do you mean Winchester?" Colonel Potter asked.
"Yup. Music to my rear." Hawkeye confirmed.
"How can he do that to us in our condition," BJ asked in irritation. "No respect for the dead."
"Winchester isn't playing that tuba again, is he?" Andrew moaned, pinching his nose.
"Well if it ain't the tuba, then it's Winchester trying to play with a jeep horn," Hawkeye retorted sarcastically.
"Anyway, that's the other problem that I'm having when I am trying to sleep," Andrew explained. "In addition to OR, Winchester has been playing that thing for 7 whole nights! It's driving me up the wall since I can't sleep! It's been like this since he first got it seven days ago. And I haven't been able to sleep since."
"I know how you feel darling," Margaret cooed sympathetically. "I've been having problems with sleeping thanks to Winchester's tuba. And I thought him playing that French Horn was annoying."
"I have to agree with that," Father Mulcahy said. "Just hearing him play the tuba has become a distraction for me whenever I'm reading the bible."
"Amen to that Padre," Colonel Potter sighed. "That French Horn of his was one thing, but now there's this tuba? It's enough to peel off some horse hairs for criminy sake!"
"I just hope that it stops soon," Andrew murmured, shaking his head. "I don't know how much more I can take of it..."
"I know Andrew," Margaret comforted him. "I'll tell you what, if it becomes more of a problem for you, I'll lend you one of the earplugs that I have for you. Will that help?"
"Yes. Thanks for the offer dear," Andrew muttered softly.
"Anytime darling," Margaret pecked him on the cheek to make him feel better. "I love you, Andrew."
"I love you too Margaret," Andrew yawned and rubbed his eyes.
The tuba playing session continued for several minutes as it wasn't stopping in the slightest. It was at this point that Hawkeye and BJ were fed up with this, and they wanted to give Charles a piece of their minds.
"Alright, that does it," Hawkeye stood up with BJ. "It's time Beej and I give Charles what for."
"Yup. For disturbing the peace with that tuba, and keeping us up half the night," BJ exclaimed. "Let's go, Hawk."
The two captains headed out of the mess tent and went straight for the Swamp to tell Charles off for that obnoxious noise.
"I should probably go too," Andrew stretched and stood up. "This is starting to become a problem. And I don't want it to escalate."
"Do you want me to help you back to the Swamp?" Margaret offered, standing up.
"I would appreciate that. Thanks," Andrew accepted the offer.
And so Andrew headed back to the Swamp, with his girlfriend escorting him there to avoid Andrew from falling onto the floor due to fatigue. That left Colonel Potter and Father Mulcahy alone at the table.
"I don't mind telling you Padre, but I hope this doesn't escalate like last time," Colonel Potter told the Chaplin. "I really don't want to stand the smell of Pierce and Hunnicutt stinking from not taking a shower."
"Yes. Indeed. It would be unwise to have certain events repeat itself," Father Mulcahy agreed. "The Lord would be disappointed if this was to happen all over again."
"I know how you feel Padre," Colonel Potter moaned. "It's just a matter of time before it goes downhill again..."
"Well, one can only hope and pray that it doesn't."
"Yeah."
With that, both of them resumed eating their meals without saying another word about the subject...
BACK DOWN AT THE SWAMP:
It was shown that Charles was playing his tuba, and the sound of it being played is enough to make ones' ears start to grate in aggravation. Despite this, he wasn't stopping at all. He was content with playing the tuba for who knows how long, no matter what anyone does to put a stop to it.
He kept playing it in the solitude of the Swamp for several more minutes when Hawkeye opened the door and stepped inside along with BJ. He then started speaking like someone who was giving a news update.
"From the fashionable Swamp Room high above midtown Ouijongbu come the sadistic sounds of Doc Winchester and his all-moose orchestra who ask the musical question 'Why us?'" Hawkeye retorted.
"Cut! Take five, Pops!" BJ yelled for him to stop.
"I don't think he can hear us!" Hawkeye pointed out the obvious.
"I think you're right. Easily fixed," BJ said as he and Hawkeye surround the tuba playing major. "Put down that tuba. We have your head surrounded."
Naturally, this got Charles to stop temporarily as he gave the two captains a look of annoyance.
"Gentlemen, I've just finished an arduous session of work, and now it is time to play." Charles snorted.
"Why don't you play something a little less harmful, like a bazooka?" Hawkeye suggested off the top of his head.
There was no response as Charles continued to play his tuba, resulting in the two captains grunting in distaste. Hawkeye then picked up one of his dirty socks and showed it to BJ.
"What do you think?" Hawkeye asked with a teasing smirk, while he showed the sock.
"Disgusting!" BJ remarked.
"Exactly," with that, Hawkeye then took the dirty sock and dropped it right into the funnel of the tuba that the noise was coming from.
This got Charles to stop playing as he knew what he did, especially since he did this before.
"Remove that sock," Charles demanded.
"Oh, okay," BJ understood where this was going. "We're about to hear Pierce's Unwashed Symphony again, just like last time."
"Remove them," Charles repeated himself.
"What? I touch something that filthy? I'm a surgeon." Hawkeye refused.
"You are pushing me toward violence," Charles growled, not wanting to deal with this a second time.
"Go ahead! Beat me to death!" Hawkeye encouraged. "Just don't play that thing!"
"I will play that thing whenever I feel like it!" Charles huffed.
"Oh wow! Like that's a surprise," that came from Andrew who entered the Swamp along with Margaret. "Considering how you keep us up half the night while playing that thing! Winchester, haven't you tortured us enough with that tuba?"
"I'm afraid not, Major," Charles grunted. "After all, this thing may be the only thing that keeps me from going mad in this cultural Death Valley."
"What's making us go mad is that you won't allow us to get some sleep!" Andrew howled in pure crankiness. "For seven whole days, you've done nothing but keep me awake with that stupid tuba! I've had enough, and I want you to TRASH THAT ABOMINATION!"
"Abomination?! I'll have you know that this tuba is an etiquette piece of art, meant for the ears of the culturally inclined," Charles countered. "If anything, it's this godforsaken CESSPOOL THAT'S AN ABOMINATION!"
"You best stop arguing with my boyfriend Winchester," Margaret got involved, siding with Andrew as she brought her right arm behind his back. "All of us can hear you play that thing throughout the compound! Almost all of us have been suffering from a lack of sleep due to that tuba. That French horn you had before was bad enough! But now you insist on using a tuba?! I do not want to have a repeat of what happened before. So either you trash that thing, or I'LL BE FORCED TO TRASH IT MYSELF! IS THAT CLEAR?!"
"Surely, but I refuse," Winchester huffed like a stubborn mule. "You already ruined my French horn. I will not allow the same to happen to this tuba!"
Before Andrew and Margaret could escalate the argument even further, BJ decided that it was not worth it and spoke his part.
"That's enough. It's obvious that he's not going to listen, just like last time," BJ retorted. "Come on Hawkeye, let's hit the showers before we hit him."
"At least the shower will sound more pleasant than this racket," Hawkeye added.
"I could use a shower anyway," Andrew sighed.
"Hear, hear! It's about time the two of you bathed. Same with you Peterson," Charles sneered.
"Oh! Do we offend you?" Hawkeye queried.
"Constantly. He finds our offensiveness offensive." BJ shrugged.
"Your odor is taking the curl out of my tuba." Charles barked.
It was then the two captains were concocting a plan to get Charles to stop. Just by looking at their expressions filled Margaret with dread and annoyance.
Oh no...they better not be planning what I think they're planning... Margaret moaned. Those two goons...
It was then Hawkeye revealed the bulk of the plan that they came up with. "Okay Charles, here's the deal. Unless you stop playing that tuba, Beej and I will refuse to take a shower, and we'll stink the place up however damn well we please."
"The more you blow, the worse we grow," BJ added.
"Oh for crying out loud Pierce and Hunnicutt, you're not doing this again," Margaret complained. "I can still smell some of the stenches from the last time you two refused to bathe because of Winchester's French horn!"
"And besides, if I didn't surrender the first time, what makes you think that I'll surrender this time, you two morons," Charles stood his ground.
"Welp," Andrew pinched his nose in annoyance. "So much for being reasonable. I'm already about to lose it with that noise and the stench!"
"It'll grow on you Andrew, after a few days, or not," Hawkeye told him. "Anyway, would you like to join us in not showering?"
"We could use a third person to triple the stink," BJ said.
"Of course not! Because while I can't stand that noise, I'm not some idiot who'll refuse to shower," Andrew declined. "Say what you want, but I'm taking my shower right now!"
Andrew grabbed his bathrobe and went for the door.
"So it seems to me that out of the four of you, my boyfriend is the only one who has some sense and decency to not take part in either of your juvenile games," Margaret remarked, admiring how Andrew wasn't going to join in on the idiocy.
With that, the both of them left the Swamp with Andrew heading on over to take a shower as he planned. Things were going to not only get louder for the 4077, but it was about to get stinky too. This was not going to go well...
THE FOLLOWING DAY:
Things weren't looking any better for Andrew since then. As if it wasn't enough that Charles continues to play that tuba loudly, now he has to deal with Hawkeye and BJ stinking themselves up from not showering to get Charles to stop playing, to no avail. And on top of that, Andrew was informed about something like this happened before. And if it was happening again, he knew how things would turn out from here.
From the moment he first woke up, Andrew stormed out of the Swamp to get away from the nasty body odor courtesy of the two captains he shares the tent with. It was too much for his nose to handle. From there, he went straight for the mess tent. At least the food was more bearable to smell than those two captains. And that's saying something.
Upon entering the mess tent, he saw everyone else from the main crew at a table, minus the other swamp-rats of course. He was delighted to see the others sitting there, so he decided to join them.
"Hey, guys." Andrew greeted them as he took his seat next to his girlfriend.
The others gave him their proper greetings before they went back to eating their breakfast.
"So Major," Colonel Potter decided to ask Andrew. "Did you sleep well last night?"
"Not really," Andrew sighed. "I'm not feeling any better than I did yesterday."
"Was it because of Winchester's tuba again?" Father Mulcahy queried.
"Yes. But that's just a part of it," Andrew tried to say.
"Wait, Winchester's still playing that tuba?" Klinger jumped in to ask.
"Yes, and I haven't been able to sleep because of it," Andrew moaned.
"Everyone can hear him playing that tuba from the Swamp," Margaret agreed. "It's starting to become more annoying than that French horn."
"I know how you two Majors feel," Klinger sighed. "Ever since he got that tuba from the mail 8 days ago, he's been playing it nonstop, especially during the night. I didn't have a problem with it at first. But eventually, it started to get irritating and obnoxious that it makes me miss that French horn."
"If you ask me, it has been turning into a problem," Colonel Potter said. "And there's no way he'll go to this nice canyon that's just a mile up the road, nor will he bunk with some enlisted men. I'm telling you folks, that Winchester is as stubborn as an old mule."
"I think we've noticed that by now sir," Andrew said. "But that tuba is now half the problem. Now I got another problem that I have to deal with."
"I see. What is the other problem, pray to tell," Father Mulcahy inquired.
"It involves Pierce and Hunnicutt, Father," Margaret sighed, answering for Andrew.
"Pierce and Hunnicutt? What about them?" Klinger asked.
Before anyone could answer, Hawkeye and BJ entered the mess tent, smelling rancid as they approached their table. Andrew made sure he was several seats away from the two swamp-rats, as did Margaret. They knew that they didn't shower, and thus they knew that they smelled bad. That didn't stop them from sitting at their table and allowing the others to get a whiff of their body odor.
"P.U! What is that awful smell!" Potter cried out as he felt his nose wrinkle up.
"Uhhh, Colonel," Father Mulcahy started to speak. "Forgive me for coming to an abrupt conclusion, but I think I figured out what Majors Peterson and Houlihan are referring to."
"Yeah," Klinger felt like gagging as he covered his nose. "You guys stink! Did you two bother to take a shower!?"
"To answer your question Klinger, no. We didn't shower yesterday," Hawkeye felt no shame with answering that. "And we aren't taking a shower today either!"
"Charles wants to be obnoxious with that tuba, so we'll be obnoxious with our B.O," BJ added. "We won't shower until Charles quits tooting that tuba of his."
"GREAT CHATTERING CHIPMUNKS! NOT AGAIN!" Colonel Potter howled. "As if we didn't get enough of this the last time it happened, it's happening again! WHERE'S YOUR DECENCY CAPTAINS PIERCE AND HUNNICUTT!?"
"Yeah," Andrew pinched his nose in disgust. "You two smell like a skunk that had sprayed its odor and dug through the trash at the same time! Why do you have to do this to me!?"
"It's nothing against you, Andrew. We're just sick of Charles and his tuba," Hawkeye proclaimed.
"Don't you think we're all sick of his tuba? That doesn't mean you have to stink the Swamp up and have such a sweet wonderful man like Andrew suffer because of it," Margaret spoke up. "I said this once before when it happened last time, and I'll say it again, take a damn shower, you dirty stinkers!"
"Not until Charles stops playing his tuba," BJ insisted.
"Well in that case, and I'll curse myself for saying this, but you better pray that the Lord will have mercy on your soul," Father Mulcahy told them, pinching his nose. "Trust me you two, you're gonna need it."
"Yeah," Klinger gagged. "Or do we have to do exactly what we did last time?"
"And we know Charles is too thick-headed and full of himself to quit playing that tuba," Andrew felt like he was going to faint. "I guess out of the four members of the Swamp, I'm the only one not wanting to get caught up in this foolishness."
"And thank heaven for that," Colonel Potter remarked. "We're gonna need to stay away from these two until they decide to bathe."
"If they were sprayed by a skunk, I would suggest bathing them in tomato juice," Andrew moaned. "But that's not the case. They are being a couple of rancid dirty swamp rats."
"You know, we take great umbrage to that," BJ told him.
"I used to take umbrage, but it gave me morning sickness," Hawkeye added his own retort.
"In that case, we'll have to keep our distance from you," Andrew sighed and announced to the others. "ALL THOSE IN FAVOR OF AVOIDING CAPTAINS PIERCE AND HUNNICUTT UNTIL THEY'VE SHOWERED, SAY AYE!"
"AYE!" Everyone else shouted in unison as they all grabbed their trays and relocated to another table, leaving the two captains alone to wallow in their own stench.
"What do you think is up with them?" Hunnicutt asked.
"They just can't stand our body odor, so they're distancing themselves from us," Pierce remarked. "They'll get over it."
"Yeah," BJ said as Charles started playing his tuba again. "And there he goes again."
"The louder he gets, the stinkier we're gonna get," Hawkeye proclaimed. "We'll show him."
"I'm with you there stranger." BJ agreed.
The others who were now sitting at another table heard Charles playing that tuba again. They knew exactly what they would be in for.
"And there goes Winchester again. Tooting his own tuba," Colonel Potter moaned.
"Doesn't he know how annoying that's gotten," Klinger queried.
"He must. After all, it's what caused Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt to stop bathing themselves again," Father Mulcahy said.
"And because of that, things are going to get chaotic at the Swamp," Margaret sighed as she looked at her boyfriend. "I just hope that you won't get caught in the crossfire Andrew."
"I hope so too Margaret," Andrew sighed while shaking his head. "Things are going to stink from here on out..."
He had no idea how right he was there. It was clear that things would be escalating at the M*A*S*H 4077 soon enough...
AFTER SOME TIME HAD PASSED - DOWN AT THE SWAMP:
The sound of a suitcase closing up was seen and heard, as Andrew had packed all of his stuff in the suitcases that he brought with him to Korea. It was evident that Andrew was moving out of the Swamp temporarily, with all of his belongings packed up for now.
And it was obvious why he was vacating. The sound of Charles obnoxiously playing that tuba with a surgeon mask on with a hole for the reed, combined with Hawkeye and BJ being obnoxious by spraying their body odor through the entirety of the Swamp, using a fan to blow it all around was more than enough of a reason for him to bail out of here.
"Hey, Andrew? You aren't planning on leaving us, are you," BJ asked him as Andrew had all four suitcases in both of his hands.
"You're damn right I am," Andrew growled. "Between you and Pierce stinking the place up, and Winchester continuing to play that stupid tuba obnoxiously, I've had all that I can put up within the Swamp! So I'm moving out temporarily until you three can resolve this issue!"
"Oh come on!" Hawkeye complained. "Just because you can't handle some rancid body odor, you feel the need to move out!?"
"IT'S MORE THAN JUST THAT PIERCE!" Andrew snarled. "Unlike you two, I'm not going to degrade myself into some idiot who takes part in some insane scheme such as this! I'm the only one in this tent who has enough sanity to get away from this madness! So that's that!"
"You don't have to move out though." BJ insisted.
"You don't get it, do you, Hunnicutt?" Andrew grumbled. "I wouldn't have had to resort to this if you three were to have resolved this problem like proper adults instead of some immature children. And I'm not getting involved with any of this. So until this whole thing boils over, I'm leaving the Swamp."
"Well in that case, please do leave," Charles snorted, as he stopped playing his tuba. "That'll leave me with one less swamp-rat to deal with."
"You be quiet Winchester!" Andrew howled, glaring at him. "None of this would've happened if you finally put the kebab on that stupid irritating tuba!"
"What did you say, cretin," Charles growled at the insult that Andrew dished out.
Andrew sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look, the point is I need to get away from this madness for a while. So, until Winchester finally stops playing that tuba, and until Pierce and Hunnicutt take a proper shower, this major is out of here. Au revoir, you swamp rats."
And with that, Andrew walked out the door with the four suitcases in his hands. They were all in shock that Andrew moved out of the Swamp. Then again, it was pretty smart and sane of him to move out with all the madness going on in the Swamp. That didn't stop them from doing what they were doing before. Charles continued to play his tuba, and Hawkeye and BJ continued to spread their smelly body odor throughout the Swamp.
Meanwhile, in Margaret's tent, the head nurse was sitting at her desk, filling out some forms, while she overheard Charles playing that tuba again. And that meant that the two captains were stinking the place up with their B.O. She had dealt with this issue before, but Andrew hasn't.
Then again, Andrew has enough sanity to know what to do and to not get caught up in the silly immature charade. Still, she didn't want Andrew to go through that horrible smell on top of that obnoxious noise from Winchester.
She was brought out of her thoughts when she heard what appeared to be a knock at her door. Getting curious by this, she wondered who that could be.
"Who is it?" She queried.
"It's Andrew," Andrew told her. "Can I please come in?"
Margaret was a little confused by what Andrew needed from her. Still, she couldn't refuse his invite into her tent.
"It's open. You can come in Andrew." She granted him entry, filling out some more forms.
With that, Andrew opened the door and finding a free spot in the tent, placed all four suitcases on the ground. This got the head nurse's attention, as she was wondering what he was doing with those suitcases.
"Uh, darling? Why did you bring those suitcases into my tent?"
"Simple," Andrew took a deep breath. "I only want to ask you if it's alright if I stay with you in your tent temporarily?"
Major Houlihan was a little surprised by that request. Not that she had a problem with it, because she was alright with him staying with her in her tent for a bit. But what confused her was that it came out of nowhere, and she didn't know why he needs to stay with her in her tent.
"Uh Andrew, is there a reason why you want to move into my tent for a bit?" She asked him softly.
Andrew's voice turned sour as he felt like ranting. "Let's just say that I've had all that I could put up with, in the Swamp! Dealing with Winchester's tuba playing was already obnoxious enough! But now I have to put up with the rancid stench that Pierce and Hunnicutt are spreading through the Swamp, which is awful. I can't even breathe in that Swamp without gagging and losing my breath! I even had to use a clothespin for my nose because it was too much. It was driving me nuts! I couldn't take it anymore, so I moved out of there temporarily until this fiasco between them gets resolved. I uh...hope you understand my reason for wanting to move in with you Margaret, if only until things at the Swamp finally boil over. So that's my reason."
Margaret took a moment to absorb what Andrew said in his rant. She had a feeling that he would've reached his breaking point where he would bail out of the Swamp thanks to those immature swamp-rats that he bunks with. And she couldn't blame him either. Why should he be put through that crap when he has no interest in taking part in it? And besides, she did tell him that she would permit him to stay with her in her tent if he couldn't take anymore of the foolishness until things simmer down. How could she turn down this offer from a sweet wonderful man like Andrew, especially when he has every reason for doing what he's doing? It made her respect him more for actually being the most sensible doctor in this outfit.
After a few moments, she found her voice and spoke to him. "I understand what your getting at darling. To be honest, I knew that you would've had enough of their juvenile attitude. Of course, you can stay in my tent until things boil over at the Swamp."
"Really? I can?" Andrew asked as she nodded. "Thank you, Margaret. As I said, it's only until this whole fiasco comes to a close."
"I know sweetie. And I know how you feel about it," she then complimented him. "In fact, I think I have more respect for you for how you are the most sensible doctor in our outfit, to the point where you aren't willing to put yourself through their typical nonsense."
"Awwww Margaret," Andrew was flattered, as a blush formed on his face. "I appreciate that compliment. I uhhh, hope I didn't catch you at a bad time."
"Oh no you didn't," Margaret shook her head. "I was just filling out these rotation forms for my nurses. I'm almost done with them anyway, so it's no trouble."
"Ah, okay," Andrew took a seat in one of the chairs. "By the way, I'm not likely to take my stuff out of the suitcases. The only reason I brought my stuff in the suitcases is that I don't want Pierce and Hunnicutt to contaminate them with their body odor."
"I understand. After all, you have your right to keep your privacy under control," she told him.
"Yeah," Andrew sighed. "How long do you think this'll last?"
"I can't say for sure," Margaret shrugged. "The last time this happened, it lasted for a couple of days, until a certain point when I and the other nurses helped put a stop to it, by dosing Pierce and Hunnicutt with water, the nurses scrubbed them with soapy sponges, and washed them up."
"I see," Andrew smirked with amusement. "And what about Winchester's French horn?"
"I had one of the jeeps run over it and flattened it so Winchester couldn't play it anymore," Margaret said with no shame at all.
"Wow. Really," Andrew found himself laughing. "I wish I could have been there to see that. Do you think we'll have to do the same thing with his tuba?"
"If it comes to that point, yes," Margaret chuckled. "But we can hold off on it until it gets out of control."
"Good idea," Andrew smiled.
After a few more minutes, Margaret finished up those rotation forms and put them in a manilla folder, as she then stood up from her chair.
"Also Andrew, I have these for you in case Winchester's tuba gets loud," Margaret gave him two earplugs. "It should help tune it out a little, and you can get some sleep."
"Wow. Thanks, Margaret," Andrew thanked her. "I think these will help me."
"They should," Margaret admitted. "I've been using them since this whole tuba debacle started. It really does tune it out just so I can get some sleep."
"That's smart," Andrew complimented. "I think I respect that about you, how you have these ways to cope around a lot of the madness that occurs in this compound."
"Awww Andrew," she then told him. "Get up so I can kiss you."
"Okay," Andrew obeyed bashfully.
He did so, and she planted a kiss to his mouth, one that neither of them were ashamed of.
"That's for being a sweetheart," she told him. "I love you, darling."
"I love you too dear," he returned the gesture. "So I guess this means that we'll be sleeping together while I'm staying in here, right?"
"You know it," she gave him a coy smirk.
"Yeah. I don't have a problem with it. I slept with you twice before," Andrew recalled happily. "And I would choose this over smelling stinky body odor any day. Or listening to an irritating tuba being played for that matter."
"I'm glad you feel that way about me, honey," Hot Lips laughed. "It's good to know that I'm several steps up from those swamp-rats."
"You know it," Andrew gave her a coy smirk of his own. "And I've felt that way about you this entire time."
"Andrew, do you want me to kiss you again?" Margaret asked. Andrew was being irresistible, and she loved it.
"Go on ahead Margaret. I would love that." Andrew encouraged her.
And so they kissed mouth to mouth again, a little longer this time. Even though they were temporary roommates, Andrew was going to enjoy this for what it's worth. He just hoped things would settle down in the Swamp soon, so things won't get out of control.
And if they did, Margaret would pull the same stunt as before, and Andrew will be happy to help her pull it off. They could only wait for that point to happen...
Several days have passed since the Swamp turned into a body odor dumping ground, and a source for a loud tuba. And as it turns out, things haven't improved for anyone. In fact, Hawkeye and BJ got worse with their body odor. It got so bad that they were eventually banned from eating in the mess tent, and they were encouraged to eat at a table conveniently placed in front of the rotting trash in the trash cans.
They knew that this had happened before, and they were allowing it to happen again. But what choice did they have, with how Charles was acting like a stubborn mule who couldn't take a hint and cease playing the damn tuba. It eventually got to a point where Hawkeye and BJ ended up arguing with each other about their current predicament. Alas, they weren't even able to argue with each other without Charles blowing that tuba.
"There he goes again," BJ argued. "We can't even have a good argument in peace."
"All right! That does it," Hawkeye declared. "The irresistible force is about to polish off the immovable object. This calls for drastic measures."
"You're willing to do it again Hawk?" BJ asked.
"You better believe it Beej," Hawkeye told him. "Let's go."
And so the two captains set off as they were going to fight fire with fire.
In Margaret's tent, Andrew and Margaret were just taking it easy, which was hard to do with that stupid tuba being played. But what caught their attention was the sound of a jeep horn being honked loudly, followed by someone banging on a marching drum, along with a kazoo playing loudly.
"What the hell is that noise," Andrew raised an eyebrow. "I think it's coming from outside."
"I think I already know what is going on," Margaret moaned. "Let's check it out, Andrew."
"Right."
They both went outside to see what the hubbub was about. As soon as they stepped outside though, they saw the most nonsensical event taking place. Charles was outside playing that tuba, but that wasn't all. There was also Hawkeye, who was banging into a large marching drum, as well as BJ, who was blowing into a pink kazoo. As Margaret facepalmed in annoyance, Andrew was just straight up annoyed by this.
"For crying out loud! As if the tuba wasn't enough, now all three swamp rats are treating this as some three-star jamboree!" Andrew yelled. "What do they think this is?! Some kind of rehearsal to see who is the most annoying!?"
"I know how you feel darling. This has gotten out of control," Margaret said, recalling this all too well. "I guess I'm gonna have to pull that plan off after all."
"You mean the plan involving the two captains getting bathed, and then running over Winchester's tuba with a jeep?" Andrew seemed interested. "Can I help out?"
"Of course you can help out," Margaret smiled. "I would've wanted you to help out anyway. Wanna give me a hand with rounding up the others?"
"It'll be my pleasure honey," Andrew grinned. "Let's get cracking."
"You said it, sweetie."
And with that, Andrew and Margaret went and got the others to get involved with this plan, as well as get all the materials needed to pull it off. It was going to take a while, but it would be worth putting an end to all this nonsense once and for all...
The loud and smelly war between the swamp rats continued for 10 to 15 more minutes, as they had no intention of stopping it anytime soon. Fortunately, the noise came to a halt when Andrew and Margaret came out with the aid and help of the entire nursing staff, some of the doctors, Klinger, and even Father Mulcahy.
The setup was simple. First off, the nurses got Hawkeye and BJ to stop by dumping buckets of water on top of them, getting them soaked. This was followed by Klinger providing the buckets of soapy water with sponges in them, which two of the nurses took and used to scrub the two stinky captains vigorously so they could become squeaky clean. There was cheering being heard, and even Charles found himself laughing at how two of his bunkmates were being bathed with their clothes on.
"Alright Padre," Andrew turned to Father Mulcahy who had a hose on here. "Dose them with some water to rinse them off."
"It would be an honor Major," Father Mulcahy did the honor and sprayed the two captains with hose water to rinse them off.
"That's perfect," Andrew then faced Klinger. "Now Klinger, give them the towels to dry themselves off."
"I'm on it, sir," Klinger went and provided Pierce and Hunnicutt with the towels needed to dry themselves off.
"Okay Captains, dry yourselves off," Andrew told them.
"Wow. That's the second time that we got scrubbed by nurses," Hawkeye mused. "It's like a fantasy of mine becoming true."
"Yeah. I never thought it would've happened again." BJ said.
"I must say, it's good that you two Swamp vermin are no longer reeking the compound with your atrocious odor," Charles gloated.
Sadly, the joke would be on him too as Margaret approached him casually.
"Now that that's one problem taken care of, let's handle the second one," Margaret went ahead and snatched the tuba from Charles' hands.
"Hey! Where are you taking that," Charles grew a combination of concern and deja vu.
"Where it belongs," she told him calmly.
"In the trash heap," Andrew added.
"Hold it, Margaret! Margaret! Andrew! Not again!" Charles begged, but his plea fell on deaf ears.
Both Andrew and Margaret let out loud whistles with their fingers to get onto the next phase.
"THIRD WAVE!" Both of them hollered as Margaret put the tuba in the middle of the road for the incoming jeep to run over.
Charles was telling the head nurse to pick it up, but it was no use. It was happening all over again. By the time he cried out 'no!' the jeep ran over the tuba, flattening it to the point where it was broken beyond repair.
Except for Charles, everyone was cheering at this, with Andrew laughing at seeing this for himself. Margaret took the time to bow towards the others for solving both problems.
"Alright, you solved the problem Margaret," Andrew hollered in excitement. "Good job!"
"You helped out too Andrew," she told him.
"I know, but you were the one who came up with this scheme before," Andrew told her modestly.
"Well I did appreciate your help, and I'm sure you enjoyed helping me too."
"You're right. I did enjoy helping out with this one!"
From there, the cheering continued, until Charles got them to silence themselves when he grilled every one of them.
"You barbarians. You Visigoths! Do you realize you have taken the last vestige of Western civilization left here and you have run it under your pagan wheels?"
His complaint didn't mean anything to them.
"Don't worry Charles," a still-soaked Hawkeye called out. "There's no crying over spilled milk."
"Or in this case, a flattened tuba," Andrew joked. "In other words, there's no crying over a flattened tuba!"
"You'll get over in Winchester," Margaret laughed at Andrew's joke. "It has happened before, so no complaining."
The others all continued to cheer and laugh at this until Colonel Potter came to the scene, with a serious look on his face.
"Ahem, oh dear," Father Mulcahy spoke up. "I fear the moment of retribution is at hand...again."
Colonel Potter approached the flattened tuba, which reminded him of what happened to the French horn. Picking it up, he walked over to Charles, and gingerly placed it into Winchester's hands.
"Yours, I believe," he then turned to face the others. He had a feeling who was behind this, but he wanted to make sure anyway. "All right. Who's responsible for all this?"
From there, everyone who wasn't Hawkeye, BJ, and Charles raised their hands without shame.
"I see," he then got straight to business. "Well, beginning at 2200 hours, you are all hereby confined to the Officers' Club for the duration of the whiskey."
This got everyone in high spirits as more cheering was heard.
"And Pierce, Hunnicutt, and Winchester are buying," Colonel Potter added.
"Hey, I'm all for that, but under two conditions," Andrew remarked. "One, I want my whiskey in small doses only. And two, I'd like to have my drink with Margaret."
"Andrew, I would have drunk with you anyway," Margaret reminded him while giving a smile.
"I know, and that's why I'm in a good mood," Andrew flashed a happy smile.
"I think we're all in a good mood since this whole mess has been brought to an end," Klinger remarked.
"All except for Charles," BJ motioned to an upset Charles who was staring at his flattened tuba.
"Colonel, what about my tuba?" Charles asked him.
"Oh, by all means, Winchester, bring it along," Potter encouraged. "We'd love to hear it."
"Just don't be disappointed if it can only play a flat note, Winchester," Andrew joked at the predicament.
"Yeah Major," Margaret joined in. "We could all use the sound of a tuba that falls flat."
And from there, the group dispersed, with plans of going to the Officer's Club in 2200 hours taking place.
"So I guess I'll be moving back to the Swamp since the issue has been resolved," Andrew told his girlfriend. "I enjoyed bunking with you Margaret, even if it was only for a couple of days."
"I enjoy it too. If you need to stay in my tent for any reason, you are more than welcome to," Margaret promised him.
"I'm definitely keeping that in mind. Thanks for this."
"You're welcome."
And so things were starting to revert to normal. Andrew enjoyed bunking with his girlfriend in her tent, but now he has to return to the Swamp. He wished that they could sleep together more often since he felt absolutely comfortable with it. But until that happens, he would just remain in the Swamp, which was his sleeping grounds...
Several days have passed since then, and everything was reverting to normal, especially in the Swamp. It was quiet once again with no tuba being played, Hawkeye and BJ showered again regularly, and all of Andrew's stuff in his side of the Swamp was set back to the way it was. It was good to have things back in order.
It should be worth noting that Charles had plans of playing his tuba again, since he had a Korean by the name of Sang Mu repair it, hoping it wouldn't end up like his French horn. This got all three of his bunkmates rather upset and irritated that they'd be back to square one.
However, all chances of using the tuba again were dashed away in a millisecond. For once Charles saw the rebuilt tuba, he realized that there was no reed to blow in. In fact, it didn't look anything like a tuba anymore, but some strange piece of art. In addition to having the end of a tuba, there was also the end of a trumpet, a trombone, a flute, a saxophone, and even a clarinet. Charles felt that things were falling apart for him all over again.
"Wow Winchester, that's one abstract piece of art," Andrew mused as the two captains laughed at the absence of a reed. "It looks so surreal. When you go back to Boston once the war is over, you really should auction that over to the Boston Museum to be placed into an exhibit so they can see just how unique it is."
"As much as I care for the etiquette culture, I have to wonder what that has to do with my tuba being a Frankenstein mess," Charles groaned.
"It just does," Andrew decided to take the work and show it to the others in the mess tent. "Hey, guys! Look what happened to Charles' tuba!"
Charles was upset by this as he ran after him. Hawkeye and BJ exchanged looks, showing that this is something that they had to see for themselves. So they left the Swamp and went straight for the mess tent themselves...
IN THE MESS TENT:
Andrew was getting through explaining to the gang about Charles attempting to get his tuba fixed resulting in it turning into an abstract piece of art, while Winchester was trying to get it back, to no avail. As for Pierce and Hunnicutt, they were watching this with satisfied smirks, no longer worried about the tuba being played some more.
"And so that's how Charles' tuba got turned into this surreal art, and I suggested that he'd auction it to a Boston Museum to be put on exhibit," Andrew finished his explanation.
"Sufferin' sheep dip," Colonel Potter remarked. "Winchester, that does look like some fine work of art! You should give it to the Boston Museum."
"I must concur," Father Mulcahy agreed. "If you were to sell this to the museum, it could bring a lot of possibilities, including how much money you'd make off of it."
"That's right major," Klinger commented. "This thing could make you millions. Why if it were mine, I'd send it to a Toledo Museum in a heartbeat! I'd make millions!"
"Now listen gentlemen, it's not-" Charles tried to argue.
"Oh don't talk your way out of this one," Hawkeye interrupted. "This would look good in the Bostonian Art Collection."
"The more art, the better," BJ shrugged.
"Now please, I have no plans on sending this to the Boston Art Museum." Charles protested.
"Oh don't be ashamed Winchester. I think it looks unique," Margaret said her part. "In fact, I never mentioned this, but when I was 7 years old, my father was stationed in Fort Bliss. That's in Texas. And my mother used to take me to the art museum in El Paso. I could see it fitting into the art museum."
"Wow Margaret," Andrew seemed amazed by what she revealed. "I never knew that before. That's interesting."
"I thought so too," she stood up and kissed him on the mouth. "I love you, darling."
"I love you too, dear," he smiled at his girlfriend.
And thus the conversations continued until Charles finally hollered for them to stop, as he took the messed up tuba and went straight back to the Swamp. From there, everyone went back to doing what they would normally.
Strange things have occurred in the M*A*S*H 4077, and some were more interesting than others. That didn't matter though. They could only wonder what else could take place in this unit...
END OF CHAPTER 25...
Yeah, this chapter was worth writing for the most part. I do hope you enjoyed reading this chapter too!
Anyway, next time, some items at the 4077 are stolen, and another mystery is brought up as to who had been committing them. How will this go? Find out next time!
Now leave a review if you really want to. Only leave constructive criticism if you're friendly with it. And any positive reviews are welcomed.
Aside from that, that's all folks. So until next time, I hope you look forward to the remainder of this story. And on that note, thanks again for reading everyone!
