Bill deliberated in front of the mirror, hoping the dark green sweater he chose looked decent enough for a Christmas party. He hated looking at his bald head and tried to ignore it, but one thing he did like about himself now was how much better he looked after losing weight; he didn't have as big of a beer gut to try and ignore anymore, at least. As he looked upon his reflection, he wondered what Mia ever saw in him. How could she ever look at...this...and not bolt down the street in disgust? And she had even liked him back when he looked even worse than this. It was hard for him to wrap his head around that.
His nerves rattled through him, restless and nervous over knowing he was going to see her again, and this time hopefully talk to her. He glanced out the window and saw ore and more cars pulling up in the alley to park for Hank's party. He wondered if Mia were going to park in Leah's driveway. He took a deep breath and decided to head over now.m He was ready to leave ages ago, but didn't want to show up too early and look overeager. Maybe now was a good enough wait time to look fashionably late.
He entered through the front of the Hill house. He was immediately hit with a rush of talking, laughing, Christmas music, the sight of Christmas decorations, and the smell of gingerbread. The party was lively, packed with groups of people, mostly people he knew and some he didn't. There were neighbors, Hank and Peggy's coworkers, and some other friends and acquaintances of theirs. He scanned the living room and kitchen for any sign of Mia.
His heart skipped with a jolt when his eyes finally landed on her, in the corner standing with Luanne and Leah. He didn't recognize her at first because her usually full, curly hair was now completely straightened, long and sleek, falling down past the middle of her back. He had never seen it like that before; it was almost like looking at a different person. But her usual incredible beauty was unmistakable. Her signature big dark eyes still shone above her high cheekbones, and her smile still radiated the same way it did since the day he met her.
He began walking slowly towards her, his stomach fluttering. He didn't register a single other person in the entire room except for her. It might have just been the two of them. As he came closer she saw him out of the corner of her eye, and she turned slightly to see him, her wide eyes gazing into his. Before he could say anything, before he could do anything, Buck Strickland sidled directly in front of his path.
"Hey there, Ol' Top!" Buck barked happily. Bill was annoyed, but he had to put on a friendly face and chat, as Buck was one of his barbecue sauce investors, as well as Hank's boss.
"Hi, Buck."
"So great to see you finally get back in the saucing biz! My investor buddies were really impressed! We know Dauterive's is going to make a fortune!"
Bill nodded and smiled cheerfully, hoping to look appreciative for his financial backer. However, Bill himself wasn't all that interested in making money; he truly just wanted to keep his family name alive by creating a legacy to share with others.
"We're hoping to get the ball rolling after the new year! Those three flavors you made, mmm! Damn! Be thinking about expanding the line! Maybe something with a little Asian twist?"
"Yes, of course. I have just the idea for something like that."
Buck clapped his hand on Bill's shoulder. He seemed a little tipsy already.
"Good, good! Just what I like to hear, m'boy! Now 'scuse me, I'm off to find another hot toddy!"
Bill breathed a small sigh of relief as he moved away. His eyes darted back to the corner Mia was standing in, but it was now empty. He looked around for her, but Leah and Luanne were each with different clusters of people now, and Mia was nowhere to be seen.
"Hey, Bill," Hank greeted, handing him an Alamo.
"Hi, Hank. Nice party."
"Yep. Have you talked to Mia yet?"
"No, have you seen her?"
"She was just here a minute ago…"
Bill took a sip of beer, and his line of vision went to the sliding glass doors out through the kitchen. He saw Mia standing here, her dark, sleek hair shining in the moonlight, and she was...smoking?
He hurried a little as he went through the kitchen, hoping to avoid anyone else from stopping him again. He slid the glass doors open and stepped out into the cool air. Mia turned at the noise and saw him behind her. Bill almost didn't notice Dale standing off to the side.
"There he is!" Dale exclaimed.
"Hi," Bill said, though more to Mia.
"Hi."
She looked cute in her black sweater, which was flecked with sparkling gold.
"I uh, didn't know you smoked."
"I don't." She handed the cigarette back to Dale, who went back to puffing on it.
"She just wanted a hit," Dale told him out of the corner of his mouth.
"Why?"
"To calm my nerves," Mia answered. "I didn't want to drink."
Dale yawned and stretched. "Well, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone," he said, and stubbed out his cigarette butt. He saluted them both and took Bill's can of beer for himself before going back inside.
The noise of the party sounded behind them, though muffled from behind the glass doors. They stood together on the patio, under the cool night sky, neither of them knowing what to say.
"Your hair, uh...I like it."
"Thanks."
"It's-, I've never seen you do that to it before."
"Just wanted to do something different." She wasn't meeting his eye, instead looking out at the alley.
"Mia…" he started to say. She looked up at him again, and he swore he could see the sadness and pain in her eyes. "Mia, I'm sorry."
She looked away.
"I know I hurt you. I really hurt you. I didn't want it to be like that…"
"What did you want it to be like?" Her voice was sharp.
He hesitated. "I felt like I kept messing up. And I felt like I would keep messing up. I didn't think you would want to keep putting up with me."
She crossed her arms and looked at the ground. "Why didn't you just talk to me? Why didn't you tell me how you were feeling? Isn't that what partners do? Talk things out?"
He pulled in a shaky breath. There was almost a pain in his chest. "I know. I should have done that. I guess it was hard for me to believe you'd even want to talk to me. I kept seeing things that weren't there."
"What? Like thinking I was going to fuck off with Octavio or my brother's friend?"
"...Yeah."
Mia scoffed and shook her head. Bill pressed on.
"But, I mean, I know I was wrong for that. I was just, I don't know...trying to see things, see signs, so maybe I could get ahead of it. Get ahead of you wanting to leave me."
"I told you before that I didn't want to leave you. I told you before that I wanted to be with you as long as I could. Don't you remember that?"
"Yes. I just wasn't keeping it in mind at the times I should have."
Mia scoffed again, and looked back up at him. Her eyes held more anger this time."I'm so mad at you. I'm so fucking mad at you. You really fucking hurt me."
"I know." He said it quietly, fully deserving of any animosity she wanted to hurl at him.
"No, I don't think you know. I get a fucking phone call saying you want to break up with me, you hang up on me, and I go over and see some woman in your house already there! What do you think all that looks like from my end, huh?"
She had stepped forward, bearing down on him, and even though she was several inches shorter and much smaller, Bill stepped back from the rage.
"Mia, I-"
"Don't say my fucking name," she spat.
He flinched a little, but started over. "I really messed up. I just really felt so unworthy of you. I was being selfish and didn't think about how you would feel. I was more worried about saving myself, I guess."
"You guess, huh? And conveniently your ex wife just happened to already be in your damn house? Did you fuck her as soon as you hung up on me? Finally free to be with somebody else?"
"No, no, it's not like that. I mean, it wasn't like that. I mean-"
"God, what do you mean?"
"Sorry… I mean, she really did just show up that day. I was even on my way to come see you right when she knocked on the door. She told me you were too good for me. I always knew that. But she said if I broke up with you, because you were going to end up doing it to me, she would be there for me." He cringed, knowing it all sounded so pathetic and messed up.
"So you'd rather be with her. Finally, Lenore comes back and Mia can get thrown in the trash!"
"No! She was just... I don't know. I've been alone for so long, I've always been alone, I didn't want to be alone again. I figured you were leaving me either way, and if I could have come out of it with someone else then… fuck." He gritted his teeth and sat on a patio chair, digging his knuckles into his eyes, trying to rub his frustration out.
Mia stood there, conflicted. She wanted to see him upset, to feel even a fraction of the pain he had made her feel, but she also wanted to comfort him.
"How come you never called me?" she asked, her rage starting to subside.
He took in a breath again and sat back. "I wanted to. I had to talk myself out of it every day. I didn't think you'd want to talk to me. On nights I was getting drunk I had to hide my phone from myself so I wouldn't drunk call you."
"What happened with Lenore? Did you break up with her or was it the other way around?"
"I did. Finally I got some sense talked into me and told her I was done and she had to go. I never wanted to be with her...I just didn't want to be alone."
"Did you have sex with her?"
"What?" He looked up, a little too quickly.
Her eyes narrowed. "You heard me."
"Um…" He did want to be honest with her. "Yes, but-"
"Of course." Her anger was starting to flare back up.
Bill stumbled his words out quickly to keep Mia from getting too upset with him. "It wasn't good, it was-, it was nothing to me, there was nothing behind it."
"So why-"
"I thought that she was my life now, and I tried to do things to convince myself of that. Didn't work, obviously."
The sliding glass doors opened, allowing the noise of the party to rush out. A group of party guests stepped outside, seemingly to get some fresh air.
"Can we go somewhere else?" Bill asked her quietly.
"What for?"
"I want to talk to you...alone."
"What more is there to say?"
"Please?" He looked at her pleadingly, to which Mia sighed her resignation.
"Whatever...let's sit out back at Leah's, I guess."
She wondered if it was rude to just leave the party without saying anything to anyone. Hopefully they'd understand.
They sat on the patio bench in Leah's backyard, overlooking the in-ground pool glittering under the light of the moon. Since taking the time to move to a new place she was feeling less heated and irate. The gently moving water was peaceful, and made it calming to reflect on her feelings and the things Bill had said.
"I'm upset over a lot of things. But what hurts me the most is that your opinion of me was so low to think I was going to break up with you for whatever reason."
Bill shook his head. "My opinion of you wasn't low. It was my opinion of myself. I just can't ever figure out what you ever saw in me. When I see myself I'm just a loser. You need more than anything I could ever give to you."
She was looking at him now, pensively, but sensitive. They sat with a gap between them, but things didn't feel as bristly anymore.
"You always say those types of things. Why can't you believe me when I tell you otherwise?"
He sighed and shrugged. "I don't know. It's hard to see past my own reflection."
Her expression softened. "I've always thought you were attractive. Ever since I first saw you. I thought you were handsome and sweet, and those forearms..."
"My forearms?" He gave her a confused look.
"Yeah. Why did you think I kept hanging off of you? You probably thought I was so clingy."
Bill had half a mind to roll his sweater sleeves up.
"No, I didn't think that. I liked it. You made me feel...wanted."
"I hit the jackpot when it turned out you were also nice and funny and interesting. And that was just on our first date. Every other time I saw you since, or every other time we called or texted each other, it was just more and more to fall for."
Bill couldn't help but smile.
"I don't get why you put up with me sometimes, too, you know," Mia continued. "I always feel like I act needy or annoying. I wonder if I talk too much. I wonder a lot of things…"
"What?" He gave her another confused look. "I've never felt like you act needy or annoying. And I certainly don't think you talk too much. I love listening to you."
Now it was Mia's turn to smile.
"My ex really put me through it the whole time I was with him," she explained, "He insulted and belittled me all the time. I was always so annoying, I needed too much of his attention, I talked too much, I was dumb, the things I liked were stupid, basically everything about me was awful and he was such a saint for being with me anyway."
Hearing that made Bill feel angry. How could anyone ever say things like that to her? She hadn't ever gone into too much detail regarding the relationship with her ex. He knew he didn't treat her well, before the cheating, that is, but he didn't realize exactly how terrible he was.
"He sounds like a tool."
She chuckled. "Yeah, he was. I don't know why I let him treat me like that, and for so long. I think he just started slowly at first, then when I got worn down enough he just kept going all in. I thought he was right and that everything he said was true. I was too far gone to see that I didn't need to put up with that. And even then I only got out because I caught him cheating. Had that never happened, I might even still be with him..."
Bill placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "No, you wouldn't. You're too strong and confident. You would have realized enough was enough eventually."
Mia shook her head. "I went through it for seven years. There was no way out for me unless he would have left me first. So I guess I'm glad he cheated on me. Apparently that was where my line was drawn."
Bill thought about that. "I get what you're coming from. My father, well, he was pretty abusive, verbally and physically. My self-esteem was shot right out of the gate. I think that's why I put up with Lenore. She was cruel to me and criticized me constantly, but it wasn't anything I wasn't already used to. And uh, well, my line wasn't drawn at cheating. I don't know if I ever had a line. She left me. That was the only reason why I wasn't with her anymore."
"Do you still love her?"
He hesitated a little, only because he wasn't expecting that question. His answer was said with complete and total certainty. "No. Not for years and years."
Mia seemed to relax a little. Bill hadn't noticed she was tensed to begin with.
"The reason why I said all that was because I think I can understand why you felt like you had to-you know-do what you did. Not that it was right," she added quickly, "But maybe years of abuse and scorn makes people act in ways they otherwise wouldn't."
It amazed him that she was in any way empathetic to how he treated her. How she was understanding of his mindset. How she still wanted to sit and talk with him…
"I've started seeing a therapist," he told her.
"Oh? Really?"
"Yes. I'm hoping she can help me get myself figured out, and help me find ways to build up my self-worth again."
"That's great! I hope she's a good fit for you."
"She seems to be, so far. She's very nice. She seems to really care. And it was she who told me to zero in on a hobby I could find pride and accomplishment in, so I started up a business making my family's barbecue sauce."
"Oh, that's right, Gilbert mentioned you guys were doing that. How did meeting with the investors go?"
"Very good. They all were interested and wanted in. Next month is when we start locking in the business plan, the packaging, distribution, all of that stuff. Gilbert is more of the business guy. I just like making it."
"I'm happy for you," she smiled.
Bill looked at her and suddenly felt like the gap on the bench between them was miles long.
"I want to be better for you. I want to be better for myself, too, but I want to be somebody who deserves you."
"You always deserved me. Maybe you just need help so you can see that."
"I'm trying."
She eventually looked away, thinking. He still had so much he wanted to say to her... "I miss you," he said into the silence.
She looked at him again, not saying anything at first, seemingly contemplating how to answer. "I miss you, too."
His heart quickened its pace. "Can I...Can we, try again?"
When she looked away again, he felt his heart drop.
"You really hurt me."
"I know. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I would do anything to take it all back."
Her eyes remained out over the moonlit water, her body still, her expression unreadable. "How do I know you won't do it again?"
"I promise you, I never-you mean too much to me, you mean everything to me, I would never throw that away again."
"What if Lenore comes back?"
"She won't, but I wouldn't let her bring me down again. It won't work on me anymore. I'm going to get better. I'm going to be more secure."
"Alright, what about some other ex of yours? Like that Laoma everybody always talks about? Or those two girls in New Orleans?"
Bill wondered how she knew about them, and his face must have given that away.
"Gilbert," she said.
Damn him.
"None of my past mean anything to me. Lenore only did because we were together for so long."
"I heard you loved Laoma."
Bill sighed. "I don't know. Maybe I did. But it was mostly sex. We didn't have much in common."
Mia still didn't seem fully assured, but didn't respond.
"You mean everything to me. I've never felt this way about anybody else. Not even Lenore."
When Mia looked back over at him, he saw a tear falling down the side of her face catching in the moonlight. He slid over to her, closing the gap between them, and held her cheek and wiped her tears away with his thumb.
"I loved you," she whispered.
Bill froze, his hand still holding the side of her face. In the past, before he left her, he may have known that. But it was the way she said it now, using past tense, that made him falter.
"I…" he tried to respond.
Mia turned away, causing his hand to slide away from her face.
"Mia, I loved you, too. And I love you now."
She wiped her tears away and sniffed. Bill couldn't see her face from behind her sheet of hair.
"I can't have you hurt me again. I won't be able to take any more."
Bill turned her face to look at him, and once again wiped more of her tears away. Her eyes were mournful as the moonlight glowed in them.
"I promise I will never hurt you again. I love you, Mia."
Mia wanted to fall against his chest and let him wrap his arms around her. She wanted to kiss him. She wanted everything to be like how it was.
But instead, aware of her still hurting heart, she pulled away.
Bill became distressed, even afraid. He was waiting for her to say she was done with him and never wanted to see him again.
"You can't just show back up in my life when you please and think everything will all be okay."
He nodded quickly "I know. I don't expect it to. I know it's going to take time."
Mia leaned back and crossed her arms as she looked up at the moon. Bill wondered desperately what she was thinking.
"I do want to try again," she started to say. Bill's heart quickened its pace again. "But let's take it slow for a while…"
"Okay, of course, I'll do anything," he rushed, feeling thrilled.
They sat together, under the moon in the late night, calmly thinking over everything that was said.
"It was nice seeing you yesterday at Mega Lo Mart," Bill said after a while, "And that one morning you were jogging with Leah."
She groaned. "I wanted to look hot when you saw me again. But instead you saw me looking like a muskrat each time."
Bill laughed. "What? You always look hot," He grinned. "How long will your hair stay like that?"
"Just until I wash it again. Why?"
"Just wondering. I like it. But I like your regular hair, too."
"Well, good. Straightening all this takes way too long."
They fell into another comfortable silence. The cars parked in the alley had been slowly pulling away for a while. The party must be mostly over by now. Mia was privately thankful she didn't get roped into playing Boggle with Peggy again.
"Did Dale really come in through your window?" Bill asked suddenly.
Mia rolled her eyes. "Yes. I thought he was a robber or a killer or something. I nearly had a heart attack."
"Sorry about him. He's, well, you know how he is."
"I do. It's alright. I kind of liked the company, anyway."
Bill saw her shiver a little. It was starting to get cold out.
"Do you want my sweater?" he offered.
"No, thanks...I should probably start heading home."
"Oh. Yeah, me too."
They stood up and Bill began walking her to her car parked in Leah's driveway. He wished he could ask her to just stay at his house for the night, but as they decided to take things slow for now, he let go of that idea.
"I'm glad you decided to come. And I'm glad you decided to talk to me," he said.
"Me too."
They stood beside Mia's car, waiting for the other person to say something, not quite ready for things to end.
"When can I see you again?" Bill asked.
"I'm not sure. I've got plans until after Christmas."
Christmas was a couple days away still. The wait would be unbearable.
"Can I call you?"
"Of course." She smiled up at him, the sight of which he would never grow tired of. "Call me tomorrow, okay?" She hugged him, closely, which was relieving to feel her again after so long. He didn't want her to ever let go. Not ever again…
He wanted to kiss her, but once more put that idea aside. Instead he kissed her forehead after they pulled apart.
Soon she left, disappearing from the alley and into the night. Bill remained for a moment in Leah's driveway, letting Mia's lingering presence sink into him, into his skin and his mind. He knew he had been blessed with a second chance, and, as he looked up at the moon, he knew that would be the only chance he would ever need.
