A few days later, I could leave the hospital. Things get complicated now. A social worker said that since I don't have any living relatives I could be sent into the system without being able to touch my inheritance until I'm legally an adult. That within itself sounds terrifying. Living with strangers that don't even want me? I'd rather die...! Somehow, I managed to get my old nanny to come back. We had her when I was really little until around 3 years ago when my mom thought we didn't need her services anymore. I always saw her as a fun grandma type since she was pretty fun and old enough to be a grandma. Part of me thought she wouldn't come back after so long. Instead, she came rushing to get me. Aiko Tamaki.
The first thing Aiko does when she sees me is give me the biggest hug possible. No words. No greetings. Just a big, almost suffocating hug. The smell of old perfume made it oddly comforting. It reminds me of when my dad's parents died on the same night, the last of my grandparents. When that happened, I was maybe 5. I never really knew them, but as soon as Aiko found out she gave me a hug like this. It took the doctor warning her about my fracture to get her to stop. Even afterwards, she keeps trying to comfort me. The people around us probably think she's my real grandma.
With almost no convincing, Aiko moves into my family's mansion and I'm legally hers. She's surprised and probably not very happy, yet she's the closest I have to a relative now. Of course, if she's unhappy with it, she hasn't said anything. All of this was settled before I even left the hospital. The longest 2 days of my life. Now I'm home. A house I thought I'd never see again. The familiarity feels like it's from a dream instead of just being gone for 2 weeks. Home feels too empty, yet too cluttered. Aiko wastes no time moving in. Not that I mind, of course. I suppose I just don't know what to do or how to feel.
"You're lucky I came to your rescue. Do you know what they do to cute traumatized kids in the system?" Aiko says that while I help her bring in some clothes. Setting them down on her bed, I shake my head to her question. "It's better you don't know... They almost didn't let me get you. They think I'm too fun, I guess. Haha!" She smiles at me like she actually cares. Maybe that's true, but I found out recently that her grandson passed away and she was moving out of her house because he lived with her. That's why she's so eager to move in. I'm not supposed to know any of that. The only reason I know is because I overheard her talking on the phone to a few different people. Just enough to clue in. Hopefully, things will be okay now. As okay as they can be.
Helping her put up her clothes in the old guest room, I listen to her rants about good fortune. All I can think about is how glad I am she didn't take my parent's old bedroom. I don't know if I'll be able to go into their room for a while, so I locked it up. I don't know if that's good or bad. "Seriously, you're so lucky I came in and all. The system is scary." Aiko gives me a worried look. "No... Actually, I understand it's hard. I'm sorry, A- Nagito. Can I call you by your first name? I mean, we're technically family now." She looks down at me again. Her glasses making her seem so much smarter. "Of course you can." I try to smile at her a bit. Something that's hard to do for some reason.
After hanging up the last of her shirts, Aiko kneels down by me. Holding my hands with a gentle smile. "You can talk to me about it. I know it's scary. You probably have a lot of feelings about everything." Her voice is so welcoming like we really are family. It makes me wonder... Without hesitation, I start admitting some of my dark thoughts. "I... I just don't understand why I had to make it." Another big tight hug. This time I can smell her hairspray instead of her perfume. "Don't think of it like that, Nagito. Think of it like... 'this terrible thing happened, so something amazing will happen in turn.' The scales will even out." She says that like she really believes it.
"...d-do you really think something good will happen after this?" I ask while trying not to think about what happened. Everytime I imagine my dad, I end up crying. Just the way he looked makes me sick. Small gory details are painfully clear in my memory. I'm sick of crying. I hate it! I hate that I never got to spend more time with my mom. I hate that they didn't make it and I did. It's not fair. None of this is fair. What good could possibly come from this? "Of course. You got me and I'm pretty cool, huh...? Just kidding. The good probably won't reveal itself for a while, but keep your head up." She gets up and lets go of my hands. A feeling that seems almost painful. "Things will get better." She says that. I can only hope she's right.
As time goes by, things get more confusing. Aiko was right. Something good happened. After my parent's deaths, I got a lot of money and freedom. Of course, Aiko budgets me since I'm 'too young' to do it myself. Too young? Please. I basically raise myself. Sometimes it's like she's not even here. Yeah, she lives here, talks to me sometimes, and reminds me to do things, but she's not really a parent. She never treats me like a kid. A lot like Mom in a weird way. Aiko uses my family's money to pay the bills, so I guess I could kick her out if I wanted. But if I did, the social workers would take me away. Plus, she's not hurting me or anything, so I guess it's okay. At least she's not as strict as I remember her being.
Despite that, I try to stay on top of everything. My school work, grades, cleaning, everything I can. Not because I really have to, but because I hope that I can please whatever God did this to me. Maybe he won't hate me so much if I do good. Either way, it definitely makes Aiko happy. "Aww, Nagito! You really have a talent for cleaning. You'll be sure to make your future wife happy someday." She'll say something like that then go off and do her own thing. We're more like roommates than anything. Not that I'm complaining either. I like having the freedom to be more adult sometimes. At least I'm with her and not some scary foster family.
Things are alright. I hope so anyway. Although I keep thinking about Aiko's advice. Something good will come from the bad. Everything in life is equal or something. It makes me think. Is it like the worse the tragedy, the better the miracle? In my day to day life, is it like that too? Does it only affect big life changing things like death? Was she just saying that to make me feel better? I guess I'll never know. She's said nothing about it since. Part of me thinks she panicked and made something up. Still, I keep thinking about it, especially at night before I sleep. Well... I guess I've been thinking about a certain thing too much.
See, I dont really have any friends. At least not any that would talk to me outside of school. Which isn't good, obviously. My mind keeps circling back to what good could come from that. Then I'm forced to think about what I even want, that's actually possible, of course. At the end of it all, I really want a friend that actually cares. I don't know if I can wish for that. The bad part of the deal is not having friends so... What do I want? Before bed I end up wondering about it, then it hits me. The reality of what I think I want hurts. It circles back to a different line of thinking, then I go into wondering what's wrong with me.
When Aiko said something about making my future wife happy, it really stuck with me. Future wife? I don't think I could ever be married. Really. I don't see it. Not even a girlfriend. Then I remember this one kid in my class and I feel disgusted with myself. Yoshida. A cute kid that talks to me at school. The closest I have to a friend, even if it's not that deep. But Tetsuo Yoshida is another guy... I think about how I can see myself in a relationship with him. How he probably doesn't even like me as a real friend, yet I wanna be closer. I know it's gross and he wouldn't talk to me anymore if he knew I thought that way, but I can dream.
Part of me hopes that the bad of not having any real friends would make the good of Yoshida liking me back happen. Yeah, I already know I'm being stupid. We're just kids, so I don't think it really matters anyway. Another thing I hope is that instead of him liking me back, maybe I can get these bad feelings to go away for the good part of the deal. Yeah. Maybe this is all just a test to see if I keep thinking these things boys shouldn't be thinking about. Maybe that's why these bad things are happening. Even if I'm not supposed to, I think I'll keep dreaming.
