It was just as bad at the Burrow as Harry thought it would when they apparated to the Weasley household later that night.
The joy and warmth that usually radiated from the place whenever Harry walked in was gone. The Weasley's were all sat in the sitting room, some holding drinks, some not. But nobody was saying anything. Little sobs were escaping from Mrs Weasley and George who were curled up on the sofa. Mr Weasley and the boys were all scattered around the room, all sipping their drinks solemnly.
When the four of them walked in, Mrs Weasley instantly got up and shot straight to Harry. He hadn't seen or spoken to any of them after the battle so she instantly swept him up in one of the biggest rib cracking hugs she had ever given. "How are you Harry dear?"
"I'm…okay," Harry lied.
She smiled sadly. "Well done on beating You Know Who,"
"Well done on beating Bellatrix,"
"I wasn't going to lose another one of my family,"
"I'm so sorry about Fred,"
Mrs Weasley started sobbed again and flung herself into Harry's shoulder. Harry just stood there and held her as she let it out. Harry looked at all the other Weasley's who gave him sad smiles.
Eventually Mrs Weasley released Harry and started doting on the other three. Harry made his way to speak to the other boys. He saw Mr Weasley make his way over. He held out his hand, expecting a handshake but was surprised when he pulled him into a hug instead.
"Thank you for being here, Harry. And well done. Your parents would be proud," he said.
"I know they are," said Harry.
"Harry?" asked a voice behind him. He turned to the person he wanted to face least of all.
"Percy told me you were there when-when-" George couldn't finish. "And how you helped to get his body out of the way. I just wanted to say thank you," He flung his arms around Harry and like Mrs Weasley sobbed into his shoulder. This broke Harry's heart. Fred and George were always the one with a joke to tell or a retort to make. Even when George had lost his ear, he had made a joke about it. But now with Fred gone, it seemed that he had taken a bit of George with him. He was hollow. The mischievous twinkle that shone in George's eye had extinguished.
As the evening wore on, Harry made his way around the Weasley's having similar conversations, being congratulated on finally beating Voldemort while he made apologies about Fred.
Mrs Weasley had attempted to start some food for them and but found herself overcome with emotion. Harry had summoned Kreacher who had happily started making a great round of sandwiches for them, which Harry, Hermione and Ginny helped with.
They all raised a glass to Fred, Remus, Tonks and all the others Harry barely ate anything, and only took odd sips of the Firewhiskey that was shoved into his hands. Harry couldn't bear all the congratulations he got. He had done nothing to beat Voldemort. It had all been the wand. If it hadn't been for that, Harry would never have stood a chance. The only thing he had really done was return to Hogwarts, start the battle and end up getting Fred and all the others killed.
By the end of the night, some people were starting to get a bit tipsy and a number of exhausted family members announced they were heading up to bed.
"I think just one last toast," said Harry, wanting to say something to honour Fred's memory. He raised his glass. "To Fred Weasley. Although he is gone, his sacrifice allowed for a greater tomorrow. We will never forget him,"
"And to you, Harry," said George. "You have suffered and suffered but never faltered. And today you finally succeeded in defeating You Know Who. Without you I don't think any of us would be here. While we lost one Weasley today, I think we can officially say we have gained another. You're as good as my brother, Harry. You will always be a Weasley in my eyes. And I think in all our eyes,"
"Here here," said Mr Weasley.
"To Harry Potter," said George.
"To Harry Potter," the rest of the family repeated.
Harry couldn't bear it any more. The guilt was almost like a knife wound, painfully piercing his body. He felt tears tugging his eyes. This family was treating him as though he were a hero. The truth was ever since Ron had joined Harry in his compartment when he was 11, he had caused nothing but pain for this family. Ron had been poisoned because of him, Ginny had almost died in the Chamber of Secrets, George lost his ear when transporting him, Fred now deceased, Mr Weasley attacked by Nagini, Percy having a major falling out with his family. All of it was his fault. And this family had only ever shown him love and support, letting them into their family and showing love and support for him. And Harry didn't deserve it. He couldn't bear to be in that room with them anymore. "I need some air," he muttered and shot out of that room as quickly as he could.
He took big gulps of the cold night air as he paced back and forth outside the house near the chicken coop.
"Harry?" asked Ginny coming up to him. "What's wrong? You bolted out of there like Ron used to when it was bath day," The thought of this would usually make him laugh but not today.
Harry hurriedly wiped a few stray tears from his eyes so she wouldn't see. "Like I said I just needed some air,"
"It's not your fault you know," she said. Of course she would know what he was thinking. "What happened to Fred was awful. And I know you feel responsible because you came back to Hogwarts and Voldemort followed. But you weren't the one that caused that explosion. It's a terrible pointless stupid waste of life but he died doing something noble and we'll always remember him for that. You beat Voldemort today and that's only because all of those people gave their lives for you to do that. So that makes it worth it,"
"Worth it?" asked Harry. "Is any death worth it?"
"If it helps to defeat the most evil wizard of all time, then yes. Any one of us would gladly give our lives for that. Just like you would,"
I did, thought Harry. But I got the chance to come back, nobody else did.
"You don't have to put a brave face on Harry. Least of all in front of me. Are you coming back in?"
"In a minute,"
He wasn't quite sure how long he was out there but it was much longer than a minute. He paced around the garden for what must have been hours, pondering life, the image of that list of the fallen going through his head again and the fact that so many people he barely knew gave their life for him. Was their deaths worth it? It must have been early morning when sleep deprivation started tugging at him. He stumbled in the door and not even wanting to climb the stairs, fell on the sofa in the sitting room and instantly fell asleep.
Flashes of the battle, of all the bodies that littered the Great Hall but this time there were hundreds, all faces he knew, Ron and Hermione and Ginny and Neville and Luna lay there among other students he knew from DA, from the Order of the Phoenix. Teachers and friends even the Dursleys.
"It's your fault," whispered that horrible voice. "They died for you. There is no greater dishonour,"
"It's all your fault, Harry," yelled Fred's voice.
YOUR FAULT! YOUR FAULT! Everyone was shouting it. YOUR FAULT! YOUR FAULT!
Harry sat bolt upright on the sofa. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, ice cold sweat plastered his hair to his forehead. His shaking hands reached to his wand to light the darkened room. It was 6.30 in the morning. It was just starting to lighten outside.
Harry couldn't stay in this house. He couldn't afford to sit around and think about what had happened. He hurried through into the kitchen and grabbed a piece of parchment. Got some things to do. I'll see you all in a couple of days. Harry.
Then, he quickly ran out of the house as fast as he could. He apparated once outside. The cold black was almost suffocating. Then he arrived in Hogwarts, the ruined castle looking beautiful against the rising sun. Just then his arm felt like it was on fire. He rolled up his sleeve to see his arm bleeding badly. He hadn't been focusing when he'd apparated. He'd splinched part of his arm, left it behind when he apparated. He waved his wand casting a healing spell that Hermione had taught him. The bleeding stopped leaving a nasty looking wound. It still stung but not as bad as it had when he first arrived.
Putting it out of his mind, he walked into the castle and into the Great Hall. There was no one around. He supposed everyone was still in bed. They all deserved it. They had fought well in the battle.
While he was waiting for everyone to wake up, he decided to take a stroll around the castle and get a full glance of how bad the damage was. He checked all his old classrooms, any teacher's offices that were unlocked, the hospital wing, the library, the astronomy tower and anywhere else he could think of. Nowhere had escaped damage from the battle. Every room was windows and furniture smashed to pieces, scorch marks and or sometimes even blood on the walls. Some rooms did not even have walls, just a large pile of bricks on the floor.
He went to check the Room of Requirement, hoping it still worked after the awful fire that had occurred in there. He walked past the wall three times, thinking of the room where the fire had occurred. The door was there when he looked. He approached cautiously, prepared to dive aside in case the fire was still going. He pushed open the door to find an empty room, no bigger than a broom cupboard. Harry guessed that everything that people had hidden over the years was completely burnt and gone. He wandered if this is how the room had started when the first person hid their treasure in there and then grew exponentially as more people hid things in there. Harry felt around in his pockets looking for something to hide in there. It was his fault that all those treasures had been burnt. He decided he wanted a new one. All he could find in his pockets were the destroyed locket and cup, the only remains of Voldemort on Earth now that his body was gone. Harry laid them both on the floor and left the room.
"Potter," called a high squeaky voice as he made his way down the marble staircase. He turned to see the ambling form of his tiny Charms professor.
"Professor Flitwick," said Harry. "How are you?"
"I'm fine, dear boy. How are you?"
"I'm fine," lied Harry. He had been saying this so often over the last few years it had become second nature.
"Never did get my chance to congratulate you on your defeat of You Know Who,"
"Thanks," said Harry sourly.
"We lost hope for a second there when You Know Who came in, announcing you were dead. Everyone's heart plummeted. How could we win with you dead?" Harry remembered the voices calling out, Ron, Hermione and Ginny and Professor McGonagall, shouting so shrilly that Harry had never heard before. "Professor McGonagall especially. I've never seen her so upset before,"
"Well, you know," said Harry. "I'm a Gryffindor aren't I? Suppose she was upset that she had lost one of her students,"
"Well I don't think it was just that. She loves every Gryffindor naturally," Harry frowned at this. He would never has associated Professor McGonagall with love. "But I think you were a special case, Harry,"
"Was I?" Professor McGonagall had never treated Harry like he was a special case. He was hardly the most academically gifted, that was definitely Hermione, and he had been in trouble so many times, Harry always assumed she was disappointed in him.
"Of course you were. You came to this school having experienced a terrible loss, knowing nothing of the wizarding world but instantly at the centre of it. We didn't know if you were going to be able to cope with it or what you'd be like. But you were such a kind and innocent boy that we all took to you. And then when You Know Who returned in your fourth year and we had to carry on as normal. We could not show you special treatment but it was hard. We understood, how could you focus on your OWLs with the thought of him out there. Professor McGonagall most of all was often very worried about you,"
Harry thought back and remembered how Professor McGonagall had spotted his talent for Quidditch in his first year and then bent the rules to get him a Nimbus 2000, how she had had that talk with him in his fifth year when struggling with Umbridge, how she had stood up for Umbridge and promised to do everything possible to help Harry become an auror, how she had spoken with pride when she had told Carrow that Harry was in her house. And he remembered the previous night how when Harry had been so overcome with the deaths of those around him and Professor McGonagall had only been looking at Harry. And then it hit Harry why she was so tough on him, because she wanted Harry to do well, because she wanted him to achieve his full potential. Harry suddenly realised that Professor McGonagall had been watching and helping him for the last seven years, not being stern because she was some old stuffy teacher but because she wanted Harry to achieve his best. He was suddenly overcome with affection for his Transfiguration Professor.
Harry and Professor Flitwick had reached the ground floor and were making their way into the Great Hall when he spotted McGonagall. "Harry, what are you doing here so early?"
"Couldn't sleep," said Harry. "Thought I'd come earlier,"
"Well, why don't you join us for breakfast then?" offered Professor McGonagall.
The fry up delivered by the House Elves (his by Kreacher who seemed to have made a really big effort) definitely smelt good but Harry just didn't seem all that hungry. He forced down maybe a quarter of his. All the while he spoke with the teachers.
"So what's happening with all the students that missed their OWLs and NEWTs?" asked Harry.
"We're going to offer everyone the chance to sit their NEWTs in the Autumn term, probably just before Christmas," said McGonagall. "Of course with the offer of extra lessons. It's going to be difficult trying to get everyone to catch up on the month or so they missed but I think we can manage. We might need to extend the year by a few weeks but I feel that we can do it. Oh, and it goes without saying that should yourself, Mr Weasley and Miss Granger wish to return to Hogwarts and complete your seventh year that you missed, you are more than welcome,"
"Thanks Professor," said Harry. "I know that will definitely make Hermione happen. And who knows? Maybe it will be an uneventful year for once,"
"Oh, I daresay yourself, Weasley and Granger will find some trouble somewhere, probably along with Miss Weasley, Longbottom and Lovegood," She give Harry a mischievous smile.
Harry suddenly felt like he wanted to say something about his sudden realisation earlier. "Um, Professor, I just wanted to say thanks,"
"For what?"
"For being a good teacher. For helping me,"
"It's a teacher's job to help their students,"
"No, I mean for going above and beyond. For being there and for helping with everything. I'm glad that I was in Gryffindor, not just because my family was in it and I made great friends there but because it was your house and I'm really glad that you'll be becoming Headmistress. The school will be in safe hands,"
Harry didn't think he was expressing himself properly but Professor McGonagall seemed to get it. She patted his arm and dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief. "That's very kind of you to say Harry and I am glad that you were in Gryffindor too. I am very proud of the man that you have grown into. I have seen you struggle against great hardships and come out the other side stronger. You truly do have the heart of a Gryffindor,"
"Good thing I got put into Gryffindor instead of Slytherin then. I can't imagine Professor Snape saying things like this," Just then Harry remembered what he knew he had been meaning to talk about. "Professor, about Professor Snape, everyone needs to know that he wasn't a Death Eater. He was on our side,"
Professor McGonagall looked puzzled. "But he killed Professor Dumbledore and he let two Death Eaters teach here,"
"He was a double agent. He had to pretend that he was on Voldemort's side so that he could get really close with him and so that Voldemort would trust him. He did kill Professor Dumbledore but that was on his instructions. And Professor Snape was actually trying to protect the students from the Carrows where he could but he couldn't break his cover while they were here. Trust me, he was a hero and the world needs to know. Talk to Professor Dumbledore and he will explain. But the world can't go on thinking Professor Snape was evil. He deserves a headmaster's portrait just like everyone else,"
Professor McGonagall looked shocked and still a little confused. "Well, as you say I shall speak to Professor Dumbledore in his portrait later. If it is as you say then I do think Professor Snape deserves to be honoured,"
Proud that the man he had hated for so long was finally going to get what he deserved, he set to work repairing the castle that day in more a good mood than he had been in for a long time. But after happily chatting downstairs, his dark mood then quickly returned along with the heavy feelings of guilt as he wandered the castle alone, repairing all the damage and thinking of all the death that had taken place in the castle. As the day wore on, he found his arm that he had splinched was starting to burn again. He waved his wand over it again casting the same healing spell as before. His mood and happiness continued to sink lower and lower than ever. Then as his mind drifted, he started making mistakes in his repairing. He knew it was because he was letting his mind wander, as it had when he had apparated that morning. And then he started getting angry at the mistakes he was making, his anger rising more and more. Now he was trying to be too forceful with his spells which again meant things weren't working as they would.
Luckily before he really lost his temper, Professor McGonagall came and found him and announced that they were stopping for the day. She invited Harry for dinner in the Great Hall with the teachers and some volunteers that had come to help with the repair effort, mostly students and their families. Harry made small talk with them as he pushed most of his food around his plate.
Professor McGonagall offered that Harry could sleep in Gryffindor Tower again but he declined. He'd spent too much time at the castle and thinking back to the battle. He needed to get away. He promised he'd be back tomorrow and help once more.
Harry feeling glummer than ever left the school. He was about to apparate to the Burrow but then changed his mind and went instead to Grimmauld Place. His shoulder burnt again when he arrived but Harry just waved his wand over it and the pain became a little prickle instead.
He let himself into his godfather's house (or his house he had to keep reminding himself) to find himself literally waist high in a pile of letters. They filled the entire hallway, and were starting to climb the stairs. It was almost like being in a swimming pool full of them. Even as he spoke owl after owl kept sweeping in dropping more letters to add to the growing huge pile.
"Kreacher!" he called and the old Elf appeared with a crack.
"Yes Master Harry,"
"What's all this?"
"Letters Master Harry. From grateful fans. The news that you have vanquished the Dark Lord has spread far across the wizarding world and many are writing to tell you how happy they are and thanking the hero that has saved them all,"
This did nothing to improve Harry's mood. "I'm not a hero," said Harry. "I didn't do anything. They should be writing letters to the families of the people who died in battle. They were the real heroes,"
"But many people wish to thank you,"
"I don't want to look at them right now,"
"Perhaps Kreacher could help you,"
"No, just put them in some empty room for now please and leave a window or something open so the owls can just swoop in and leave them,"
"As you wish Master Harry," said Kreacher. He snapped his fingers and with a crack all the letters disappeared.
Harry heaved a big sigh and, telling Mrs Black to shut up on the way past, trudged into the kitchen slumped at the kitchen table. A copy of the Daily Prophet was lying on the table. The headline blazed, "HARRY POTTER VICTORIOUS OVER HE MUST NOT BE NAMED. FINAL BATTLE AT HOGWARTS SCHOOL SAW THE DARK LORD & DEATH EATERS FINALLY FALL.
There was a picture of Harry among a massive crowd being congratulated. This had been moments after Voldemort had been defeated. Harry had no idea how took the picture but he wished they hadn't because he had a big grin on his face suggesting that was how Harry felt now he had won. Quickly scanning the article, he saw comments about his happiness and his free life and how he now had opportunities to be with long time girlfriend Ginny Weasley.
"Kreacher thought you might want a copy for yourself,"
"Thanks Kreacher," mumbled Harry and folded it up and turned it upside down so Harry couldn't see it anymore.
"Does Master Harry require anything else?"
"Firewhiskey," said Harry, making up his mind. "People say that drinking helps, let's see if they're right,"
