"This episode is going out to all the loners and losers out there," Kaoru smiled widely into the camera and continued. "Do you ever feel lonely? Of course you do. Do you want someone to stand by you for as long as you want? ...No? Well too bad! No one cares what you think!"
Kaoru's ears twitched as she heard someone 'Tsk' at her. "Right, sorry. Anyway. We have the perfect doll for you! This week we are putting our new doll Tails Doll: Company Doll onto our doll shelves with the rest of our dolls! Yay redundancy!" Someone "tsk'd" again and Kaoru's eye twitched a bit. "The Tails Doll Doll will always follow you around and keep you company so that you will never feel lonely!"
Kaoru glanced nervously off stage and took a deep breath before continuing. "This doll will even confirm your fears that you are being watched at all times! It will raise your paranoia to a whole new level. A level that has never before been reached in human history! It will follow you anywhere! It will follow you from home to the bowling alley, to the skating rink, to the grocery store, to the mall, to work, even to your grave!"
The "tsk" that sounded out this time was loud and caused Kaoru's ears to droop like a dog that's in trouble. "By "to your grave," no one is suggesting that Tails Doll: Company Doll will kill you. Tails Doll: Company Doll will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak. In the event that the Tails Doll: Company Doll does speak, Aperture Scienc- I-I mean Kaoru's Toyland encourages you to disregard all of its advice. Also, no one but you is responsible for the possibility of dead bodies that might appear at your doorstep."
Kaoru heard a series of tsks and got back on track. "Of course, none of this has anything to do with the Tails Doll: Company Doll which we are selling starting yesterday at Kaoru's Toyland for 4905390 slightly used mattresses. Please call Kaoru's Toyland for our definition of 'slightly used.'"
When Kaoru heard the "tsk" again she shut her eyes and breathed in slowly. "I think it's time for a break. Mr. Director, can you please play the happy customer's video?"
The director came over the speaker and said in a soft, pitying voice, "Of course, Kaoru."
An old, plump woman was walking out Kaoru's Toyland holding a Tails Doll: Company Doll in her arms like a small baby. "This little thing is so darling! I've been a widow for five years, and now I'll finally have someone who can watch movies with me and someone I can cook and make sandwiches for. Someone I can take to the park and push on the swingset!" The woman sighed and walked away looking very satisfied.
Next to walk out of Kaoru's Toyland was a five-year-old girl who held a struggling Tails Doll in her arms. She squeezed him hard and his eyes bugged out slightly. "My mommy bought me this because she thought my imaginary friends was convincing me to do mass murders! Now I don't need an imaginary friend!"
The little girls mother ran out of Kaoru's Toyland and snatch the girl up into her arms. "Sally, we do not talk into random cameras. What were you telling these people?"
"Nothing mommy," the girl said. "I was only telling them that you bought me this doll.
"Oh thank heavens," the relief was evident on the mother's face. "Let's be going now Sally." The mother put the girl back on the ground and took her by the hand, pulling her away.
Seconds later, a man ran past the camera screaming. Seeing them, he stopped and started talking frantically. "You have to get this thing away from me! Help! I need to return this thing! It won't leave me alone! I think it's trying to kill me! I can't go on with this thing following me! You can't see it but I swear it's there! I can feel it watching me!" The man turned around and ran into the store. The Tails Doll: Company Doll was hanging on to his belt for dear life, smiling happily.
Kaoru stood up from sitting on the edge of the stage and nodded.
"As always we have a couple of warnings for you. I know, I know, how could we possibly have any warning when the people in the videos looked so happy, but trust me, some people get strange ideas and do some things and if we didn't warn against it we get sued and it's this long and messy process that no one wants to go through. So, here we go...
"Kaoru's Toyland is not responsible for projectile vomitting, escessive shaking, hair pulling, stowaways in backpacks, children going missing and the Tails Doll:Company Doll dressing up like the missing child, neurotic feelings, anxiety, overpowering paranoia, and a lot of other things. For a full list of things that Kaoru's Toyland should not be help responsible for, please read the instruction pamphlet that comes with our toy."
Sighing, Kaoru continued. "If you happen to feel overpowering paranoia, anxiety, neurotic feelings, stress, or any other negative feelings that may be associated with this toy please come over to Kaoru's Toyland, we have built a new section to our building called the "relaxation chamber." In this room, we will be able to help you relax without heavy medications.
"If you happen to find a robot that looks like it could be an Eggman Approved Robot while you are in this building, please stand away from it unless you are absolutely sure that it is, in fact, an Eggman Approved Robot, because if it isn't, then it is possible that these robots may shoot bullets at you. And if you see a strange looking gun or blue, white, or red "paint" on the floor, please back away.
"Enthusiasm is in the eyes of the beholder, my dear viewers! And we are out of time, so please return to your couches and televisions next week to see what else we will be selling at Kaoru's Toyland! Good bye everybody!"
A/N
I'd like to thank Sonic9234 for giving me this idea and would like to inform Sonic9234 that they are my new famous person because they used a portal reference. That was very awesome of you.
I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Have a good day and Please Review.
