Inside the Burrow, Harry found George, Bill, Fleur, Charlie and Percy waiting for him. "Welcome home," they all said, standing around a homemade banner that decreed, 'welcome home, Harry'.
"Hi everyone," said Harry breathlessly with a quick smile as Ron, Hermione and Ginny helped him to the sofa which he collapsed down onto. Ginny instantly sat down next to him and took his hand which she instantly noticed was trembling. She gave it a squeeze and Harry gave a gentle squeeze back. Ron and Hermione sat next to Ginny.
"Alright, so a cup of tea Harry?" asked Mrs Weasley.
"You don't know the last time I had a good cup of tea," he answered.
She checked everyone else and with Bill bustled off into the kitchen.
"Are you okay, Harry?" asked Hermione.
"Yeah, you really went diving from that car," said Ron. "Ow, what was that for?" he added as Ginny elbowed him in the ribs. He apparently didn't take the hint. "You're dead wrong you know what you said in there. You completely deserve a First Class. Ow, stop elbowing me in the ribs,"
Harry instantly looked out the window at this.
"First Class?" asked Percy, his ears pricking up. "As in Order of Merlin First Class? Have you been given one of them, Harry? Oh I knew it was a matter of time. You completely deserve that award,"
"Well, Kingsley said it was still being finalised," said Hermione. "There's no point in guessing when we have no way of knowing,"
"Yeah but surely Harry is guaranteed one, you know because he defeated You Know Who," said Charlie.
"Well, he said he didn't want it, didn't deserve it. Ow, why is everyone elbowing me in the ribs today?" said Ron, this time turning and glaring at Hermione.
"Don't want it?" asked Percy. "Why not?"
"'Eet ees a great 'onour to receive one," said Fleur.
"Come off it, Harry, stop being so modest. You totally deserve one," added Charlie.
"Guys, shut up about it," hissed Ginny. No one but her seemed to have noticed that Harry had turned their back on them and was tapping his foot, clearly agitated about something.
"What about Fred? Is he going to be getting one?" asked a small voice from the corner. The room suddenly went silent as everyone turned to look at George sitting in his chair, looking out at them. Harry turned away from the window to look at George and saw before him a broken man. It was like he was someone entirely different. Usually the centre of attention, stood proud and tall talking in a big voice, George now sat hunched in his seat almost as if he didn't want to be seen which seemed to have worked because everyone seemed to have forgotten he was even in the room.
"Order of Merlin First Class," croaked Harry. "Like all the fallen. For their bravery and sacrifice to making the wizarding world a better place. He will never be forgotten by anyone,"
A tear trailed from George's eye and he smiled, Harry suspected for the first time in days. "He would have liked that. One of us a noble hero, who'd have thought it?" He smiled again and slowly left the room and climbed the stairs, leaving behind a sombre silence.
"How is he coping?" asked Harry.
"Not great," said Charlie. "You can see for yourself, he's broken,"
"I don't think there's been a day when they've been apart," said Ginny.
"They've always shared the same room, the same classes, the same job, the same flat," said Mr Weasley.
"How are you all coping?" asked Harry. "I'm sorry, I should have been here with you,"
"No, don't worry Harry. We should have been there for you as well,"
"We're doing okay," said Ginny in answer to his question. "Mum is really struggling. The tiniest thing can set her off. Her mood is so up and down at the moment,"
"The rest of us are just making do," said Charlie. "Being there for each other,"
"After the funeral, we should hopefully be able to start moving on," said Mr Weasley.
"Do you know when that's going to be?" asked Harry.
"We think the 13th. We're just waiting on the confirmation,"
Just then Mrs Weasley and Bill came bustling in with all their drinks and the conversation was immediately dropped. Harry noticed that Mrs Weasley had slapped a not particularly convincing smile on her face as she handed them out and they all started drinking.
"Okay, so Harry," she said, "first thing you need to know while you are here is that we don't have to talk about anything you don't want to talk about. Any topic you don't want to talk about, we'll move straight away from. Also, I think any of us would be quite happy to talk to you whenever you want to, to listen, offer advice, be a shoulder to cry on. There's no judgement in this house,"
"That goes both ways," said Harry. "I want to help you as much as you're helping me,"
"That's very sweet, Harry, but you're here to relax and get better, not listen to our problems,"
"I don't mind. I think it could help if I share my problems and then they share theirs back. It could be helpful for both of us,"
"Well, why don't we just see how things go? I think for tonight, you just need a good meal and a decent night's sleep. While I get started on dinner, why don't you go and get a bath? Have a nice long soak and you can get out of those clothes,"
"I've unpacked all your clothes, Harry. They're all in Ron's room," said Hermione.
"I'm sure you don't mind sharing with Ron. If you'd rather have some privacy, I can put you a bed up in the lounge. But I thought it might help you if there was someone else in the room so you don't feel alone," continued Mrs Weasley. Harry knew that was code for Harry could speak to Ron privately and confide in him should he want to. "Ginny, why don't you go and start the bath running? Ron, Charlie, would you help Harry up the stairs?"
Harry realised that Mrs Weasley was using him to focus on intently so she didn't have to think about Fred just as Harry had tried to keep himself busy by helping to repair Hogwarts. Harry was helped upstairs by Ron and Charlie. Mrs Weasley had instantly followed them up and asked if he needed help washing from Ron.
Knowing he was blushing, Harry instantly declared, "no, I think I'll be okay, thank you,"
"Okay, well, just make sure you relax in there, have a good soak. And call one of us when you get out and we'll help you downstairs,"
Hermione brought him pyjamas and a dressing gown to change into when he got out and after everyone checking he was okay, Harry was finally able to get rid of them and shut the door. He pulled off his clothes and looked in detail at his formerly cursed arm. The black marks were still there just much paler. The point at which he had splinched himself had scabbed over and been covered with a magical bandage that he was told would not remove itself until it had healed. The healers at St. Mungos had insisted that his arm would heal in a few days, with the marks leaving no trace but his splinch wound would probably leave a scar. They also commented on a bruise on his torso that they couldn't heal, suggesting it was possibly from a curse he got hit with during the battle but after checking found no issue with it and would likely heal on its own. Harry knew that was the spot where Voldemort's killing curse had hit him but he didn't mention that. He fingered it gingerly. It still hurt to touch it. Looking himself over, he saw he had several bruises and cuts all over but had come out of the Battle of Hogwarts relatively unharmed, more dirty than anything, covered in mud and dried blood and grime.
He took a look at himself in the mirror. He certainly looked ill. His face had no colour to it at all. His eyes looked dead and bloodshot with dark bags underneath. Even his hair which usually refused to stay flat seemed limper than usual.
It felt so good to slide into a hot bath and lay among the bubbles. It had been such a long time since he had done this. It felt soothing to his body which had ached and screamed at him for so long now. He lay, finally able to relax, for the first time in what seemed like years. He tried to ignore the creaks and voices of people moving about the house, having to keep reminding himself that he wasn't on guard duty listening for any snatchers. But old habits die hard and on more than one occasion, he lunged from the water reaching for his wand and had to stop himself half way. While the bath was good for his body, it did no good for his mind which only enjoyed bliss for the first few minutes before paranoia kicked in and he found himself for any sound that might indicate one of the Weasley's or Hermione was in trouble.
He was finally able to switch his brain off and enjoy a few minutes of bliss again before there was a knock at the door. "Harry," called Ron's voice from the other side. "Mum said dinner will be ready in about ten minutes so you should probably get out now,"
"Okay," croaked Harry back.
Heaving himself out of the bath, he dried himself and dressed in the pyjamas and dressing gown. He took another look at himself in the mirror once more and while he looked incredibly pale and tired, the removal of dirt was already making some difference. He certainly felt better physically.
He hobbled outside and then start limping down the stairs. He heard steps running behind him. "What are you doing?" hissed Ginny. "You can't go downstairs on your own. Mum will do her nut. She's already given us all strict orders to help you with everything and not to cause you unnecessary stress.
"I think her asking Ron to wash me added some stress," pointed out Harry.
Ginny laughed. "Yeah, I think that would add stress for anybody," She took Harry's arm as they reached the bottom of the stairs. "Now, come on dearie. It's time for dinner now," she said like she was speaking to an elderly person.
Harry laughed and then stopped. "I think that's the first time I've laughed in…I don't know. Ages. It's always you who makes me laugh,"
Ginny beamed. "Well, that's because I'm a comedy genius Harry. You should know that about me by now,"
The conversation stopped abruptly as Harry and Ginny entered the kitchen. Harry knew that meant they were probably talking about him and didn't want him to overhear. Harry started having flashbacks to when he was fifteen again when members of the Order refused to tell him anything.
"Good bath, Harry?" asked Mrs Weasley, instantly breaking the silence.
"Yeah, relaxing," murmured Harry.
He took a seat at the table between Ron and Ginny. Harry smiled as he saw Ron and Hermione holding hands on the table. He had almost forgotten Ron and Hermione had got together during the Battle. At least one good thing had come of it. Ron and Hermione obviously spotted him looking because they quickly let go and hid their hands under the table blushing.
Mrs Weasley started dishing big helpings of Shepard's Pie onto plates, giving a particularly big helping to Harry.
"So have you two had your first date yet?" asked Harry.
"Yeah, come on, Ron, you need to get a move on or she'll think you're not interested," laughed Bill.
Ron's ears went pink at the sudden attention on him and Hermione. "Of course we've been on our first date,"
"Have we?" asked Hermione. "I must have missed that," The whole table laughed at this.
"Come Ron, it doesn't have to be some major romantic declaration of love," said Charlie. "Just something simple,"
"For our first date, Bill took me to ze most beautiful romantic restaurant in Egypt," said Fleur. "We ate under ze moonlight and zhen danced the night away. He kissed me and said he never wanted to be apart," Fleur sighed happily clearly loving the memory. Ginny mimed gagging to Harry.
"Although it doesn't necessarily have to be like that," said Mrs Weasley. "Your father and I simply went to Hogsmeade together and spent the day wandering around. It wasn't anything especially romantic but we both loved it,"
Harry cast his mind to his date in Hogsmeade with Cho and how well that had gone.
"What about your first date with 'Arry, Geeny?" asked Fleur.
Ginny and Harry instantly went red themselves. "Did we have a first date?" asked Ginny, looking at Harry.
"I kind of like to think it was that afternoon we took a stroll around the grounds after you won the Quidditch Cup. We talked and laughed and I confessed I really liked you and you agreed to be my girlfriend. I'm not sure if it counts as a date but it was one of the happiest moments of my life,"
"Aww, that is beautiful," said Fleur.
"Harry, that's so romantic," said Hermione.
"Yeah, too romantic," said Ron. "You and Bill are setting the bar too high for my first date,"
"Ronald, I honestly don't care what we do. I just want to do something with you. Why don't we simply take a walk tomorrow over the hills? How does that sound?"
"Yeah, okay," said Ron, looking happy.
"Harry, you've barely touched your food. Eat up, you need a good meal inside you," said Mrs Weasley.
Harry only just realised he'd fallen to his default position of just pushing his food around his plate rather than eating it.
"I will feed you Harry if you won't eat it," said Ginny. "I'm not joking," She suddenly picked up Harry's fork. "Here comes the magic carpet," she said as if to a child. She flew the fork around making whooshing noises. "Open?" Harry opened his mouth and she fed him his Shepard's Pie.
Half the table were laughing at this while the other half looked a little confused or uncomfortable.
"You know, you two are adorable together," said Fleur.
Harry and Ginny both blushed as they returned to eating their dinner. The more Harry ate, the more ravenous he realised he was. He realised how much he had been ignoring his groaning stomach. No wonder he had felt so bad if he had been so hungry and only offered it firewhiskey.
Harry was given a hefty second helping and tried to turn down a third but Mrs Weasley shoved it on his plate anyway. Mrs Weasley then revealed she had made Harry's favourite, Treacle Tart for pudding. Harry thought he was stuffed from dinner but managed to squeeze down a helping of pudding. Harry laid back, feeling more full than he had in quite a while.
He offered to help clear up but Mr Weasley insisted that he go and sit down with Ron, Hermione and Ginny. They sat in the sitting room listening to the wireless. Ron put his arm around Hermione and they shared a quick kiss.
"You know, I'm really glad it worked out for you two," said Harry. "I've been waiting for it for years,"
"Oh I think most of Gryffindor were," said Ginny. "The arguing between you two was almost legendary. We were all waiting for the day that the two of you would knock your heads together,"
"It wasn't that obvious was it?" asked Hermione.
"Hermione, you are the cleverest person I know but when it comes to Ron and you, you are totally clueless," said Harry.
The group laughed and Harry leant back and sighed happily. Harry had not felt this happy or carefree in years. He knew that it wouldn't last that eventually something would happen that would bring his mood crashing back down but for now, he enjoyed his evening with his friends. They played wizards chess and exploding snap. They talked and laughed and just enjoyed being together like they had not in so many years.
People started going up to bed throughout the night. Mr and Mrs Weasley went quite quickly after dinner, not before making sure that Harry was okay and insisting that he sleep in as late as he like tomorrow.
"She and Dad go to bed quite early now," said Ron. "I think putting on that front is tiring for them,"
Charlie and Bill joined in in some of their games. Bill and Fleur retired to bed after a while quickly followed by Percy and after a few more rounds, Charlie too went up to bed. George spent the whole evening up in his room, emerging only twice, once to get his dinner that his mother had left in the oven for him and another time to get his pudding and a bottle of butterbeer. Harry made sure to say hello to him and smile at him both times. George would nod and smile back.
There was no doubt a feeling of sadness throughout the whole house, it was clear that the Weasley's were putting on a brave face and trying to move on, possibly for Harry's sake now that he was here or possibly just for themselves. It however did not feel like the time that Harry had visited a few days ago when he had been desperate to get away. Some of the warmth had returned to the house and Harry once more felt like a member of the family.
Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny all went up to bed around 11. By this point, Harry was almost dozing off in his chair, watching Ron and Ginny play chess.
Ginny pulled Harry into a hug when they reached Ginny's room. "Good night. Hope you sleep well," They stayed in that hug a while, happy to be back in each others arms, not wanting to let go for fear that they may be separated again.
Ron and Hermione kissed and hugged each other good night. And then partly in embarrassment that they had not said good night, Harry gave Hermione a quick friendly hug.
Ron and Harry climbed up to Ron's room and Harry collapsed into bed. "Good to have you back, mate," said Ron. Harry vaguely realised he was murmuring something back but before he knew it he had fallen asleep.
Harry was back in Grimmauld Place. The pool of letters was back but this time they were all red. They kept coming, more and more arriving all the time, the level rising and rising. Harry did not need to open them to realise what they said.
Then he was in the kitchen. Kreacher was there, giving him more and more bottles of firewhiskey.
"I don't want them," said Harry.
"You must, Master Harry. This is the only way you will be able to live with yourself,"
Suddenly Harry couldn't move. His hands locked to his sides. Kreacher was pouring bottle after bottle into his mouth.
"It's for your own good, Master Harry. Your own good,"
Harry desperately tried to move, to resist, to scream for Kreacher to stop. He didn't like himself when he drank firewhiskey.
Then he was on his back, his arm on fire once more. The door burst open and Mr and Mrs Weasley along with Ron, Hermione and Ginny burst in.
"Help," pleaded Harry.
"Look at him now," said Ginny. "The chosen one in all his glory," she spat.
"I like you like this, Harry," said Hermione. "No leading us into pointless quests. No telling us you're better than us,"
"Please help me," begged Harry. He could barely hear his own voice.
"Help you?" Mrs Weasley laughed coldly. "Why would we do that? It's because of you my son is dead. It's because of you my daughter's heart is broken,"
"You've done nothing but destroy our family ever since you stepped foot in our home," said Mr Weasley.
Harry didn't even recognise them. He kept trying to tell himself that it wasn't real. That these weren't really the people he loved.
"Why did I ever sit in that compartment with you?" spat Ron. "It was the worst mistake of my life. Everyone always looks at you. Never at me. Well, now they will. Have another drink, Harry," Ron poured a bottle over Harry and then threw it at him.
"You deserve this, Harry," said Ginny, her face inches from his. "Did you really think I would want to get back with you after everything you've done to me? Lets leave him. I can't bear to look at him anymore,"
Everyone stood and turned to leave the room. Harry tried crawling after them but the pain was too much. "Please, please, don't leave me," he cried.
"Goodbye for ever Harry Potter," said Ginny and left with the rest of her family.
Suddenly the red letters were in the kitchen, falling on him, they covered him and yet he could still hear them landing on top of him. Then he was falling, drowning in these letters. He was clawing at anything, desperately trying to get back up but he sunk lower and lower in this sea of red. The letters became voices, some he recognised like Neville's and Luna's and Hagrid's. But then there were too many of them to make out. And they were all saying the same thing.
"It's your fault, your fault!"
He kept sinking, the letters drawing in. There was no way out.
"YOUR FAULT! YOUR FAULT!"
Then came that ice cold voice. "Where have your friends gone Harry? Why did they abandon you?"
All he could see was red. They were everywhere. He had nowhere to turn. He couldn't breathe. He gasped for air but none came.
"No one loves you Harry. You have no one. NO ONE!"
A hand on his shoulder and-
Harry awoke with a start, taking in big lungs of air. His heart pounded, he could feel himself shaking, his hair was plastered to his forehead again in a cold sweat. Harry could still feeling the sense of helplessness, the claustrophobia of being hemmed in. He kept telling himself he wasn't. That he safe. But he couldn't forget it. He shivered.
Ron was snoring in his bed, clearly not disturbed by Harry's dream. Harry considered waking him up to discuss it but then struck it. What was he going to say? 'Oh I had a bad dream and I want to tell you about it'. He knew Ron was just going to say it was bad memories and they would pass in time and then turn over and go right back to snoring in bed. Ron had never much listened to his dreams in the past and Harry suspected he was getting a little tired of hearing about them, being woken by Harry thrashing and calling about in the night.
But the memory of being hemmed in and being unable to breathe stuck with Harry. He needed some fresh air. He'd just nip downstairs, stand by the back door for a few minutes and then come straight back up to bed. He again considered waking Ron to help him downstairs but again struck it, thinking he wouldn't be best pleased to be woken up so Harry could get some fresh air.
Climbing out of bed, he grabbed his wand and quickly slipped out the room and slowly made his way downstairs gripping onto the bannisters for support. He used his wand in his other hand to light his way. His heart was still pounding in his chest and he was still trembling, causing the light cast by his wand to shake. Harry knew this wasn't just the work of the nightmare alone but the after effects of his curse. The healers had warned him that he would likely being feeling after effects any time he pushed himself. He guessed his nightmare, his heart rate rising was included in that. It brought back the memories of when he had collapsed earlier. Harry remembered feeling so scared as his body just gave up on him and he collapsed to the floor.
He finally made it downstairs. He quickly shone his wand at the clock and saw it was 1.30 in the morning. Again he had barely slept before being woken by nightmares. He hobbled over to the back door, unlocked it and pulled it open, taking a deep breath of the fresh air. The cool air felt good on his sweaty skin. He could feel his heart rate slowing just a bit and his feeling of being trapped and helpless, lifted just a bit. He carried on taking deep breaths, trying to calm himself.
"Harry?" asked a voice suddenly making him jump. He swung his wand round and pointed it out in front ready to fight this intruder.
"Sorry, sorry, it's me," said Ginny, stepping into the light. "Sorry, I should have guessed you'd be a bit jumpy," Ginny was wearing only a tank top and shorts, her feet bare, her fiery red hair which had been tied up a lot lately was let loose and ran messily around her shoulders and down her back. Harry had to resist the urge to say she looked cute.
"It's okay," said Harry. "Sorry I was about to stun you. Old habits die hard,"
"You're not leaving are you?" asked Ginny, suddenly looking fearful.
"No, don't worry. I'm not leaving. I just-" And Harry stopped. He didn't want to tell Ginny about it. She'd probably laugh and say he was being stupid. It was just a dream. He knew it was just a dream and Harry was treating this air like the first air he'd breathed in months.
"You just?" asked Ginny.
"It doesn't matter. You'll probably just laugh. It was a bad dream. It was nothing,"
"Harry, I'd never laugh at you. I know how bad dreams can affect you. I had one too,"
"What was yours about?"
"About Tom Riddle. And it involved Fred,"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"I'll tell you about mine if you tell me about yours,"
"Okay," said Harry and smiled.
"Why don't I make us some hot chocolate? My own secret recipe,"
"Since when have you had a secret hot chocolate recipe?" asked Harry as Ginny moved into the kitchen and brought two cups from the cupboard. "I've never heard about this,"
"Since we went into hiding," explained Ginny as she filled the kettle with water. "Not exactly a lot we could do. And I wasn't allowed outside. Mum got me into baking. I started experimenting with things and one of my biggest hits was my hot chocolate. Could you boil some water? Only a few more months until I can do magic at home,"
Harry pointed his wand at the kettle and it instantly started steaming and whistling. "Thanks," she smiled.
"What else can you make?"
"My brownies are to die for says Fleur. She couldn't get enough of them,"
"I'm sensing a chocolate theme developing," laughed Harry.
"I'm a girl of simple tastes Harry and one of those is chocolate,"
"I'll remember that for your birthday and Christmas,"
"Play your cards right. I might make you some one day," She grinned at Harry as she squirted whipped cream over the hot chocolate and a sprinkling of marshmallows. "Voila. Do you want to take them through to the sitting room?"
"Sure," said Harry. Ginny carried the two mugs as Harry was still shaky and walked alongside him as they made their way to the sitting room.
They sat on the sofa side by side and let their hot chocolates cool.
"So do you want to tell me about your dream?" offered Ginny.
"Why don't you go first? I feel like you've all spent far too long listening and helping me with my problems,"
"Harry, stop putting yourself down. You're ill remember and there's a damn good reason for that after everything you've been through,"
"I know, I know. Still, I'd like you to go first,"
Ginny sighed and took a big breath. The humour and strength that Ginny always wore disappeared to be replaced by fear, something Harry saw so rarely. "So I've been dreaming about Tom Riddle quite a lot lately. I mean I dreamed about him quite a lot back when I was little but they passed eventually but when Voldemort came back, he started to turn up a bit more and then when you and me started dating, it started getting really bad. It's nearly always the same dream. I'm under his control and he's making me do things I don't want to. Sometimes it's not too bad. Like I'll say or do things to people like push them or steal things from them. Sometimes it's just friends. Other times family like mum or dad or Ron. But then other times he'll make me hurt them or even kill them. It's so scary. I can see what I'm doing but I don't have any control over it and I can always hear him whispering in my ear, telling me to do it," She shivered a bit. This was clearly difficult for her.
"Did he make you hurt Fred?" asked Harry.
Ginny nodded, a few tears escaping her eyes. "He told me to kill Fred. And George was there and he was begging me not to but I couldn't do anything. And Fred was so sure I wasn't going to do it. He was actually laughing," A small smile came to Ginny's lips at the thought of her brother laughing again. But then it disappeared with what she said next as more tears escaped. "But I did it anyway. And then the whole family turned on me, wouldn't talk to me, treated me coldly. Even you. You looked at me so coldly. Almost like him," Harry didn't need to ask who 'him' was. Too many times Harry had been scared about the similarities between him and Voldemort.
Harry wrapped his arms around Ginny and pulled her into a hug. She sniffed and wiped a few more tears from her eyes. "It was so scary," she said. "When I woke up, I almost believed it had been true. I almost woke Hermione up to ask her if I had really done that but I told myself it was stupid and that it had obviously been a dream. It just seemed so real,"
"Have you told anyone else about these dreams?"
Ginny shook her head. "I used to tell mum or dad when I was little. But then it just seemed so pointless because it was always the same thing, I'd tell them Tom Riddle made me do something, they'd hug me and say, 'it's alright Ginny. These dreams will pass, they will go away.'"
"So you haven't told anyone else since you were little? Did you have them a lot?"
"Well I tried telling some of my friends occasionally but they'd just give me funny looks. The only one that didn't was Luna so I told her sometimes. I guess the older I got the more silly I felt because it was something that happened to me when I was younger,"
"It doesn't matter that it happened to you when you were 11. A seventh year could have gone through what happened to you and they'd be terrified. I still get nightmares of when Voldemort was on the back of Quirrel's head. I'm 17 now and had worse encounters with him since but still that time when I was 11 still terrifies me,"
"The worse ones were when you and me started going out. And especially when you, Ron and Hermione were on the run. Riddle would always make me hurt you. We'd be in the Chamber of Secrets and you go to stab the book but I take the fang off you and stab you instead. I had that dream so many nights and I had to keep telling myself it didn't mean you were dead,"
"How was the time I was away? I mean I've heard about it from Neville but how was it for you?"
"Honestly it was terrible. It didn't feel like Hogwarts anymore. Neville, Luna and I were nearly always in detention. They gave us terrible punishments, used the Cruciatus curse on us. And I was always so worried about dad and mum and Bill. They wrote to me a lot but because the post was always checked they couldn't tell me anything. They tried slipping in clues where they could but they didn't tell me a lot. I think the Death Eaters picked on us because we were so close to you. They kept asking the three of us if we knew where you were, what you were doing but we just told the truth, that we didn't know. They kept giving us Veritaserum, but were sure that we were finding some way of resisting it so kept punishing us. The only worthwhile part was keeping Dumbledore's Army going. And we gave the Carrows as much hell as we could. I suppose the three of us became the new Golden Trio,"
"Golden Trio?" asked Harry.
"You three. You, Ron and Hermione. People called you the Golden Trio,"
"Why?"
"Because every time something happened at Hogwarts, you three would always be in the middle of it. Every year you three went off and had some kind of adventure. Like you went looking for trouble,"
"We didn't go looking for trouble. Trouble just had a habit of finding us,"
"Meaning you were all too nosy for your own good,"
"Oh, Ginny, that sounds horrible what you went through. I'm so sorry we weren't there with you,"
"If you'd been there, you would have been dead Harry and Voldemort would still be ruling the Wizarding World. You did the right thing by running. Even breaking up with me. It hurt me but I do understand why you did it. You were protecting me and I'll always thank you for that,"
Harry felt more guilt as Harry remembered the heartbroken look on Ginny's face when he had told her at Dumbledore's funeral that he couldn't see her anymore. Was now maybe the time to ask about the possibility of trying again. No, it was too soon, thought Harry. The scars of recent events were still too fresh. He had time he kept reminding himself.
Harry sipped his hot chocolate. "That's really good. What's your secret?"
"I can't tell you otherwise it wouldn't be a secret recipe anymore would it?" Ginny laughed and nudged him in the ribs. "Anyway, why don't you tell me about your dream?"
"You know now I've been awake a while I've kind of forgotten it. I'm not sure it was as bad as I thought,"
"Harry," said Ginny, looking him straight in the eyes. "I know for a fact you're lying. I always know when you lie Harry. But even if I didn't know when you lied, I can tell you're lying now because of one reason. You're still trembling,"
Harry's hand holding his cup was still trembling. Harry put his cup down and Ginny instantly took his hand. "Hey, what did I say? You never have to worry about looking weak in front of me. If it's bothering you, I want to hear about it,"
Harry sighed and recounted his dream to her, how Kreacher was forcing Firewhiskey down his throat, how the Weasley's and Hermione had turned their backs on him after saying terrible things to him and then how he was drowning in those red letters, all telling Harry it was his fault. He was trembling even more when he told Ginny of how he felt hemmed in, trapped, couldn't breathe, how he heard Voldemort's voice.
"I felt so trapped, so scared I couldn't breathe," explained Harry finishing his story. "I had to get some fresh air just to prove to myself that I wasn't trapped. I know that sounds stupid,"
"No, Harry it doesn't. I've had dreams like that. Just like that, where you're sinking, trapped, can't breathe. And they nearly always involve Tom Riddle like yours with Voldemort. I've done exactly the same thing. I've had to jump out of bed and yank the window open because I thought I was really running out of air. It's terrifying isn't it? Yours was probably even worse. I know you told me your dreams are really vivid. Is that why you've not been sleeping since the battle?"
"I try but then I just wake up a few hours later scared to death, just like this, shaking, terrified. I know Voldemort's gone but he's still alive in here," said Harry pointing to his own head.
"What other kind of things have you dreamed?"
"Similar to that. Friends turning against me, people telling me it's my fault. Voldemort taunting me, almost like he's hinting he's coming back again, like he isn't really dead. What if he's not?"
Ginny grabbed Harry's head with both hands. "Harry, look at me. He is dead. We know he's dead. We all saw him die, we all saw his body, we burnt it. We were there. We saw it happen. You even checked to see if it was him. Do not start torturing yourself with thoughts that he might still be alive. You're going to make yourself even worse. He's dead, you hear me? I want you to say that. Tell me that Voldemort is dead and he's never coming back,"
Harry sighed and started trembling even more. "Voldemort is… He's… Voldemort is dead and…and he's never coming back,"
"Good, now you remember that. Now, about you saying all these deaths are your fault,"
"You're going to say they're not my fault," Harry interrupted before Ginny could go any further. "I know. I know the only way to defeat Voldemort was to come back to Hogwarts. There's no other way it could have worked out. But I still feel like all those people died for me. I saw the list of the dead. I barely recognised any of the names on there. And I was glad. Glad only a few of the people I knew had died. What does that say about me? Those people all died so I could defeat Voldemort and I don't even know who most of them are. But it's not just because of that I feel guilty,"
"Why else?"
"It's a really really long story Ginny,"
"I've got time," said Ginny. "I don't care if this takes until sun up. I've got my hot chocolate and I'll make more if I have to. I know you need to get this off your chest. Please tell me, Harry. I know it has to do with when you, Ron and Hermione were on the run. What is it you were doing?"
Harry took a deep breath and launched into the story of what he had been doing. He explained about his private lessons with Dumbledore, how they had discovered about Horcruxes and how after Dumbledore had died, he, Ron and Hermione had decided to set off to find them. He described their discovering that Regulus stole the locket which had then landed in the hands of Umbridge ('I hated her the cow," added Ginny). He told Ginny of their break into the Ministry of Magic in disguise to get the locket back, Ron splinching himself and how he had left the group and had returned and destroyed the locket with the Sword of Gryffindor after Harry and Hermione's dreadful trip to Godric's Hollow and attack by Nagini. He recounted their trip to Luna's dad's and how they had found out about the Deathly Hallows and had been captured and taken to Malfoy Manor shortly after only to be rescued by Dobby at the cost of his life. He told Ginny about staying with Bill and planning and breaking into Gringott's to get the cup from Bellatrix's vault and escaped on the back of the dragon and how he had learnt from Voldemort that one of his Horcruxes was at Hogwarts so the three of them had returned. At this point Ginny started filling in some of the story herself as she had been there for parts of it. She realised that the Horcrux had been in the Room of Requirement as they had kicked her out of it. Harry recounted the fire that had occurred and how they had then gone to the Shrieking Shack and to try and kill Nagini and had seen Snape get murdered. Harry struggled to tell her of what he saw in the Pensieve.
"Wow, Snape was in love with your mum?" asked Ginny. Harry was quite impressed. Apart from asking an occasional question here or there or making a comment, she had remained remarkably quiet and listened as Harry had told his story. "No wonder he hated you so much then if she ended up marrying your dad,"
Ginny listened in shock as Harry told her how Snape had really been on their side and was just pretending to be on Voldemort's and had killed Dumbledore on his orders. Then came the part that Harry truly did not want to tell her.
"I can't believe it. Snape was actually a good guy," mused Ginny.
"Yeah, it completely changes how I felt about him. I used to hate him. Now I just can't get over how brave he was," said Ginny. "I've told Professor McGonagall and Kingsley that he needs to be honoured. That the world needs to know what he did,"
"That's really good of you Harry. So what happened next? It can't be long now before they brought you out of the forest, saying you were dead. We were all so shocked. We couldn't believe it. And then obviously you weren't dead. What was it? Some plan to get at Nagini,"
Harry swallowed. This is the part of the story he had been dreading telling. "So in the memory Dumbledore told Snape the truth about my scar. That it was a Horcrux. That I was a Horcrux,"
"You're a horcrux?"
"Yeah. When Voldemort came to kill me and my mother cast herself between them, the curse rebounded and a part of Voldemort's soul latched itself onto me, making me his seventh Horcrux. That's why I could see inside his head and could speak with snakes. Voldemort couldn't die until the Horcrux inside me was destroyed too,"
"So how did you do that?"
"There was only one way," There was suddenly a tense silence in the room.
Ginny's face suddenly went very pale. "You don't mean? You couldn't have. You can't have. You're still here," Her face cracked into a grin. "It was some trick wasn't it? You walked in to the forest and Voldemort cast a spell at you and that killed the Horcrux but not you right?" The look on Harry's face was enough to make her face fall and a hand clapped over her mouth.
"There was only one way of defeating Voldemort and for that to happen, I had to die. So I set off the forest,"
"Without even saying goodbye?" asked Ginny, her eyes swelling with tears now. "You didn't come and say goodbye to me, not even to Ron and Hermione,"
"How could I?" asked Harry, his own eyes filling with tears now. "How do you come and say goodbye forever to someone? Would you even have let me go? If I had come to you and said I was going to the forest to sacrifice myself, would you have let me walk out of there?"
"No of course not,"
"Exactly. And I wouldn't either. If I had come and said goodbye to you, I know I wouldn't have been able to go. I would have been too scared. I passed you by you know. I spoke to Neville to tell him to kill Nagini. Because only Ron and Hermione knew and I wanted someone else to know in case something happened to them. I passed by you, you know. You were speaking to a girl on the ground, she was saying she wanted her mother,"
"She didn't make it," said Ginny. "I never did find out her name. So you got to see me one last time but I didn't get to see you?"
"What do you want me to have done? Take my cloak off and go, 'right, well I'm off now, literally, I've always loved you'?"
"Yes. No. I don't know. Did you always love me?"
"Yes. The last thought I had before it happened was of you, of kissing you. And I realised in that moment I loved you. And I had never told you,"
Ginny wiped her eyes. "But obviously you didn't die because you're still here. You're not a ghost are you?"
"Honestly I don't know what happened. Voldemort fired the killing curse at me and I woke up in this white space. It kind of looked like Kings Cross Station. And Dumbledore was there,"
"Dumbledore is alive?"
"No. I think we were in some halfway point between life and death. Me and Dumbledore talked for a bit. He told me about the Hallows, that I was one of the descendants of the Peverells. And then he told me I had the choice to go back if I wanted. And Dumbledore said goodbye and disappeared. I guess to the land of the dead or something,"
"I don't understand," said Ginny.
"Neither do I," said Harry. "I asked him if this was happening inside my head or if it was real,"
"And what did he say?"
"That it was happening inside my head but that didn't mean it wasn't real,"
"That's not cryptic at all. So then what happened?"
"I woke up in the forest. The killing curse had definitely hit me. That bruise the healers were talking about that didn't heal was from that," Harry undid his dressing gown and lifted his shirt to reveal the big bruise on his torso.
"Can I?" asked Ginny and Harry nodded. She gently traced her fingers over the bruise. It hurt to the touch but Harry didn't complain.
"So did you actually die and come back or not die at all?"
"I don't know," said Harry. "You're asking the wrong person which was odd because I was there for it. Whatever happened, it destroyed the Horcrux. So I pretended to be dead and they carried me back into Hogwarts," Harry remembered the screams from Professor McGonagall, Ron, Hermione and Ginny as Voldemort had declared he was dead. "And then when Neville killed Nagini, I got underneath my invisibility cloak and joined in the fight. Until your mum killed Bellatrix and Voldemort went for her, I revealed myself and you saw what happened next,"
"I think I understand from what Ron and Hermione told me. So Voldemort thought the Elder Wand was his but it was actually yours?"
"That's right,"
"That's why you didn't die. If the wand truly belonged to you, it wouldn't kill its own master,"
"I guess that makes sense," said Harry who only half got it. He had talked to Ollivander about whether wands were actually alive and could think and he still didn't really understand now.
"So why did you tell Kingsley you didn't defeat Voldemort?"
"Because I didn't. I won on a technicality really. It wasn't my skill or bravery that defeated him. I won purely because of some complicated wand rubbish. If the wand truly was Voldemort's then he would have won,"
"Well it didn't so it doesn't matter. You might think you didn't defeat Voldemort but you went on the quest to find and destroy every Horcrux still out there. You destroyed the diary and saved me. You found the locket, the cup, the diadem and if you hadn't told Neville about the snake, he never would have killed it. And if you hadn't been in Malfoy Manor that night and won Malfoy's wand from him, you never would have been able to defeat Voldemort. And you were going to give your life to try and defeat him. You walked without hesitation straight into that forest, to him because you knew it needed to be done. I think all of that shows bravery and skill. It was not your fault that those people died. It was the Death Eaters," Ginny smiled at Harry. "You had such a hard year. I had no idea. It sounds awful," She pulled Harry into a tight hug. She could still feel him trembling and could hear him sniffing. He was crying. "Harry, what's wrong?"
"Why didn't they get a second chance?" asked Harry, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Everyone that died, Fred, Remus, Tonks, Colin, Dumbledore, Sirius. They all died. They all sacrificed themselves just like me and they didn't get a chance to come back,"
Ginny looked at Harry sympathetically for a few moments before quietly saying, "you're feeling guilty because you didn't die when you should have done," It wasn't a question but a statement.
"I should be with them right now, Ginny. I saw my parents before I died you know and Remus and Sirius. The Resurrection Stone was hidden inside the Snitch and I talked to them but they were only half there, like ghosts. And I thought it was okay because I'd be with them properly soon. I could see them again. Them and everyone who died. We could be a proper family. And at that moment, I was okay with it. Because I could finally rest. I'm so tired, Ginny. So tired of all of it, of everyone dying around me. I was supposed to join them and then I woke up still here. And sure Voldemort is gone but that doesn't bring everyone back does it? I'm still here and they're still there. That's what all my nightmares are about. Because I've lost so many people and I'm losing everyone. I shouldn't be alive, Ginny. Fred should be sat here right now instead of me. And Teddy should have Remus and Tonks to look after him rather than me as a godfather. That's why I drank. I wanted to forget but that didn't work. You drink to forget and all you do is remember more. And I didn't look after myself because I didn't care. That's why I didn't want to be around you. How could I face all of you knowing Fred was dead and I got a chance to come back and he didn't. Maybe I should have let that curse kill me. You'd all be better off. I want to be dead,"
"Harry, Harry, no listen to me," Ginny grabbed his shoulders and shook him. Tears were trailing from Harry's eyes and he was trembling worse than ever. "You listen now! You don't want that. You told me earlier that when you collapsed because of your curse you felt terrified that you were going to die. Your dream about being trapped and hemmed in and not being able to breathe. When you woke up you came down here because you wanted fresh air. You wouldn't have done those things if you didn't want to live. And don't you dare think we'd all be better off without you. No one, listen NO ONE in this family blames you for what happened to Fred and we never will. You are a part of this family and always will be. Look how devastated Mum is from losing Fred. Don't make her lose another son. And Teddy, he may have lost his parents but that doesn't mean it's the end. He can still have a life, make friends, be happy, grow up just like you. But he has something better, a godfather who can love him and watch out for him. And I know you're tired, Harry, I know. You've been through so much shit in your life but that is all over now. This is your chance to rebuild your life again. And it will get better I promise you. It is going to be hard but you've got people who love you that can help you, help you more than drink can. If you give in now then Voldemort will win. You said that love is your greatest weapon. And it is. But not just your ability to love but be loved. You have friends and family that love you. No one would ever say they weren't grateful to have you in your lives. Two best friends who think the world about you who followed you into every dangerous situation because of their love for you. Our family who took you in because you didn't have one of your own so made you part of ours. Neville and Luna who think the world about you too. Hagrid and McGonagall and all the teachers at Hogwarts who have proudly watched you grow into the man you have become. And me Harry. I love you. I love you so much it actually hurts. I've loved you from the moment I woke up in the Chamber of Secrets and saw you had come to rescue me. I never thought you could love me back. I watched you go to the Yule Ball with Pavarti and fall for Cho Chang. I tried dating other people but none of them ever stood up to you. And the day you kissed me after that Quidditch match and told me you liked me was the greatest day of my life. And now we have a chance. A chance to make a life for ourselves Harry. And if you throw that away now, it would break and destroy all of those people. And all those people that died. I don't know why you got this second chance but if you throw it away now, you disrespect everyone who died so that you could live. You owe it to them to live a great life. And I want to live it with you because I love you, Harry. I bloody love you!" Ginny's eyes were full of tears.
Harry looked at him, tears still streaming down his cheeks. He took one of Ginny's hands. "You're right. You're right," he said. "I can't. I can't,"
"It will get better. I promise,"
Just then the wall that Harry Potter had kept up for three years, the wall that kept all his emotions back, told him he had to keep going, to keep on fighting, to keep on leading, to keep on loving and daring to love, broke. And all that emotion that he had been keeping back suddenly burst forward like a tidal wave.
Harry started sobbing. Ginny pulled him into her arms and held him as he let it out, unshed tears for Sirius, Dumbledore, Mad Eye, Dobby, Hedwig, Remus, Tonks, Snape, Colin and all the others that had fallen and tears for his lost childhood, for every frustration and annoyance that he had felt and every time he had thought it had been hopeless and that he would never defeat Voldemort but most of all tears for his parents that always flashed into his mind whenever he lay his eyes upon the man who murdered them and stole them from him all those years ago.
Ginny was sobbing into Harry's shoulder just as Harry was into hers, tears for her lost brother, for the pain of her last few years and most of all for the hollow wreck that had become of her boyfriend and what the life he had lead for the last seven years had done to him.
The noise of their sobbing woke the rest of the house. Everyone, Ron, Hermione, Mr and Mrs Weasley, Bill, Fleur, Percy, Charlie and George all stood in the doorway to the sitting room. No one moved forward to comfort the two of them. No one asked what was going on. Everyone instantly understood. Harry was getting all his pain out. Mrs Weasley scooped George into a hug and the two also both started sobbing, possibly the first proper cry they had had since they come home following Fred's death. They were both pulled into a hug by Mr Weasley. Ron put his arms around Hermione as they both shed tears at the pain of their best friend. Bill embraced Fleur as they two shed tears for their brother. This left just Percy and Charlie. Charlie put his arm around Percy's shoulder and they two cried for their lost brother.
Everyone in the room mourned for all the lost of the last few years and to the terribleness of the situation they had been in. Harry finally letting everything he had been holding back out had allowed the rest of the family to do the same thing and let out the pain they had been holding in for days. That night they were all united in grief.
Even after the tears had stopped, no one said anything. Most let go of each other, some reducing the hug to a handhold or an arm around the shoulders, Harry and Ginny remained clung to each other, not daring to let go for fear of losing each other once more. They may not even have been aware that they had woken the house and they all sat in the sitting room with them.
Finally at 4.30 in the morning, Ginny stood and held out her hand to Harry. "Come on," she croaked.
Harry took it and was pulled to his feet. No one said anything as she lead him out of the sitting room and up the stairs and into her bedroom. The bed was just about big enough for the both of them. Harry lay down and Ginny curled up next to him. They fit together like a jigsaw, interlocking perfectly with each other. Ginny's hand found his.
"Promise me we'll never leave each other again," whispered Ginny.
"Promise," Harry whispered back.
And the exhausted couple drifted off into the first peaceful sleep they had had in quite some time.
