The nightmares were as vivid as ever, every night when Bucky attempted to close his eyes it was the same... All he saw was the people who he had mercilessly killed, all he felt was the white hot agony of getting his mind scrubbed clean time and time again. Even now, he knew he wasn't Bucky... He wasn't the winter solider either, he was someone in between, trapped in his own sick and twisted purgatory that he knew he would never escape from. There was always a reprieve though, a small rest bite from the fear, anxiety and anguish that he carried around with him like a demon on his back when he attempted sleep... Her... Whoever the hell she was... Icy blue eyes, hair like fire... Even as a winter solider they couldn't scrub her from his mind, not entirely, she was always there... Whenever she flashed into his mind he had a few glorious seconds of calm, for a few seconds he felt like James Barnes, but those few seconds were never enough... Soon he was jolting awake again, a thin layer of sweat covering his body, his back was starting to ache from sleeping on the floor but the thought of lying on a bed felt suffocating. He had tried to sleep on his mattress one night, his head had barely hit the pillow when he got the most overwhelming sense of claustrophobia... He felt like he was being entombed, the floor felt safer, more secure, he was happy with the floor. He looked around the room, his breathing was labored, his heart was beating out of his chest, the anxiety attacks were almost as reliable as the nightmares for him now, they walked hand in hand together, brothers in arms in his destruction.
He looked at the clock, it was nearly 5am, he didn't want to even contemplate sleep now so instead he got up, a cold shower usually helped him shake off any residual aftershocks from the dreams... He had distractions, they were going after the flag smashers, it made the bile rise in Bucky's throat imagining all those anarchists jumped up on super solider serum... Bucky was of the opinion all super soldiers should be obliterated, even him. He had just gotten out of the shower and gotten changed when there was an insistent knock on his door, he rolled his eyes, only one person could manage to even be irritating by how they damn well knock.
He yanked open the door to find a smiling Sam at the other side "good morning sleeping beauty." He said shoving past Bucky. "By all means, come in." Bucky said with a roll of his eyes, he looked back at the clock, it was barely 6am...
"What are you doing here so early?" He asked picking his blanket up off the floor he folded it neatly on the side of the couch along with his pillow.
"Man, you gotta stop sleeping on the floor, that is a nice couch you have there sleep on that!" They had the same conversation every time Sam invited himself into the apartment, and Bucky always gave the same answer.
"I just like the floor, Ok?!" He exclaimed raking a hand through his damp hair.
"No one likes sleeping on the floor, but that isn't why I am here, Zemo is out front come on he have a lead on the Flag Smashers but we have to be quick." Sam said all but throwing his shoes at him. This made Bucky perk up "a lead? What kind of lead?"
"He wouldn't tell me, he just said it was important we get there ASAP. We can bully him for information on the way lets go I will get you a moon pie or whatever it is you elderly people eat for breakfast."
Bucky tugged on his shoes shaking his head at Sam "I never liked moon pie jokes on you." He grumbled grabbing his keys and swiftly making his way out the door. Of course Zemo was in that ridiculous car, it was the most non inconspicuous thing any of them had ever seen but he clearly loved it.
Sam jumped in the front, Bucky opted for the back. As soon as they were both in he sped off. "Ok Zemo, enough with the secrets what's this big flag smashers tip off." Bucky sighed, he still didn't know how he felt about Zemo, he had caused him a lot of problems, he had caused him a lot of hurt, a lot of suffering... But Bucky saw some of himself in Zemo, the same anguish, the same fear... Zemo saw the ghosts of his past dance before him in glorious Technicolor too, even if he would never admit it, Bucky knew.
"Gentlemen, can we relax, it's not so much about finding the flag smashers today, its about finding something that will obliterate them. Yes?" Zemo said tapping his fingers casually on the steering wheel to some new age radio song.
Both Sam and Bucky let out a huff of frustration. This was time wasting at its finest.
"Zemo, I have had it with your crap where are we going?" Sam said sharply, Bucky nodded vigorously in furious agreement.
"We are going a few miles out of the city, you will see when you get there, I think you will change your tune when you see what it is back there." Zemo called looking in the rear view mirror amusement crinkling in his eyes. Bucky ground his teeth together, he was ten seconds from taking his vibranium arm and lodging it into the back of Zemos head. The drive for the most part was quiet and subdued, soon they were in an area that looked like countryside, lots of green fields dirt roads for miles. Eventually Zemo veered off into a smaller dirt road before grinding the car to a halt.
There was absolutely no signs of human life for as far as the eye could see. "Seriously? We drove for over two hours to end up in the middle of no where? What is this Zemo you're wasting everyone's time." Bucky said his temper reaching a fever pitch, he got out of the car angrily slamming the door after himself. He was on the verge of ripping Zemo out after him when he saw something up ahead. It was like a flash of green and then in its place stood a person, away in the distance...
Both Sam and Bucky squinted trying their best to see if the person was a friend or foe.
"Ah, I do love a punctual person. Gentlemen, follow me." Zemo jumped out of the car with an eagerness neither of them had ever seen before. They looked suspiciously at one other and then at him before slowly following behind him. The sun was only rising, it was too blinding for them to make out the figure before them until they were a few feet away.
Bucky's heart dropped, he was certain he could feel it fall to his feet on the grassy earth beneath him. Walking towards them, it was her, the one from his mind, his one constant during all the pain and suffering of the last 90 years... He shook his head, was he hallucinating now? He knew people with PTSD could hallucinate but he had not exhibited those symptoms... Until now...
She looked so very real, fiery red hair, wild and untamable flowing down her back, eyes as blue as a Caribbean sea and as cold as ice. She was undeniably Scandinavian, her features could not be mistaken for anything else, she continued to walk towards them, he could even hear the sound of her black boots crunching on the crisp dehydrated grass... Surely a hallucination could not be so vivid...
"Sigrid! I thank you for meeting with me here, I know you have been rather... Occupied as of late, you are recovering well, yes?" Zemo asked the vision before him... Wait... Zemo was talking to her... Everyone could see her?!
"I am recovering fine, what is it you wanted to see me about exactly?" Her voice sounded like a song, Norse, feminine and beyond comforting. It was like hearing a memory from a dream of a dream in real life.
She had not noticed him yet, he was halfway behind Zemo and Sam, he was frozen in place, he couldn't move even if he wanted to.
"Well, I was reading some files I... recently came into possession of and I found some links that quite frankly brightened up my day..." Zemo said standing to the side. The woman he identified as someone being called Sigrid looked at him in confusion before her eyes finally landed on Bucky. Those same eyes he saw flash in his mind during the worst moments of his life, the eyes that made him think James Buchanan Barnes was still in there somewhere...
His mouth suddenly went dry, as dry as a bone, he swallowed hard, she looked just as shocked as he did. Both of them gawked at each other, both were in quiet contemplation on if the other was real. Finally she spoke.
"Impossible..." She whispered to herself. She found her feet first, walking with purpose she marched over to him until they were truly face to face, she was so close to him he could smell her. She smelled like cherries and vanilla, she smelled like a memory within a memory that had been buried and scrubbed away time and time again.
It was clear she registered the bewildered and frankly terrified look on Bucky's face. It made her swallow hard, it made her look like she was in pain, Bucky didn't know why but he hated that look on her face, he wanted to make it go away.
"You have no idea who I am, do you Jimmy?" She finally said in no more than a whisper.
Did she just call him Jimmy? No one called him that, the only person he ever allowed call him that was his mother in the 40's... Everyone just called him Bucky...
He shook his head "No... I know you... I know your face..." His hands were itching to touch her, even his vibranium fingers began to twitch, why?
She let out a low laugh, it wasn't a laugh of amusement, it was almost sad "I should hope you would know my face." She said her eyes searching his. "What did they do to you?" She whispered, her hands reached out, almost as if they were going to touch his face, Bucky wanted nothing more than to lean in, he wished he could make his damned mouth move so that he could say more than "I know your face..."
"Who are you?" He finally managed to muster.
Her smile was soft and sad as she answered "I am Sigrid Odindottir of Asgard, and the last time you saw me in the 40's I was getting apprehended by my own people for endangering Asgards safety for a human. For you."
