a/n Big thanks to PoisonIvy1234 for this chapter suggested so long ago. I didn't write it before because I thought I had already, but nope. Anyway. I hope you enjoy this chapter. DFTBA
"Do you have a problem with little punks coming to your house to Toilet-Paper it, egg it, smash in your windows, or kick down your door?" Kaoru asked as the stage lights came up on the show. "Are you terrified for your kids, wife, or husband? Do you believe that there is a creeper in your hood trying to climb in your windows and steal your cat? Well, worry no more, because we at Kaoru's Toyland can now install a security system into your house!"
The hare thought for a moment before amending what she said. "Well, we don't so much as install it into your house and you come and pick it up then activate it yourselves, but that's beside the point.
"All you have to do is come down to Kaoru's Toyland and buy the brand new Bean: Fun Protection System!" From her pocket, Kaoru pulled they tiny green replica, no bigger than a pack of gum, and stroked his back once, sending it flying into the air. "Now, I know what you're thinking. 'But Kaoru,' the hare whined in a nasally voice, 'that thing is too small to protect my house! What kind of gimmick are you trying to pull?'"
Kaoru let out a sigh of disgust. "They actually used that word. Gimmick, can you believe it?" she scoffed, though it was unclear who she was talking about. "Who do they think they are?
"Anyway! Back to the thing. As most of you should know, size does not matter, at all... Unless you are taking a family of 10 on vacation... Then you should probably have a very large car... Oh. I guess size also matter when you are picking out which pack of crayons to get. Personally I always get the biggest available. But when it comes to this thing, size isn't important. My little Bean here is all you need.
"When you return home after buying him you remove him from the box and take him outside. Once there all you have to do is stroke his back once as you say "Protect this house," and that's all there is. He'll throw bombs, materializing seemingly out of nowhere, at anyone who dares come near your sacred domain. For added help on the exact perimeters of your sacred domain, stroke his back and say "limits" then walk him around the outer edge of whatever it is you want him to guard. So if you want him to protect your whole property you just take him for a walk around the property lines, no problem.
"However, as long as he remains activated he will throw bombs at anyone even visiting friends and family members, neighbors, or anyone that walks past your house if they encroach on your territory. He'll even throw them at your family as they come back home after a day at school, work, or a day out in the city. So you must always remember to catch him in the morning and turn him off. And sure, it might be hard to catch him because running around your yard looking for him makes you a target, but it's the protection of your family that matters, right? Of course it is! After he's caught you just stroke his back and say off. Easy peasy!
"Of course, if you just need some companionship you just stroke his back without saying anything. He'll fly around your head, perch on your shoulder, eat some of your breakfast, and ever swim in your bathtub. Don't worry! He is 100% waterproof... Most of the time."
"Alright Bean," McDonalds guy said, playing the small toy on his finger. "Limits." McDonalds guy stroked Bean's back and then moved his fingers in a square around his dinner plate, even placing a limit to how high Bean could fly by moving his finger up and down. "I need you to protect this deliciousness from harm, all right?" He let Bean take off and McDonalds guy got up to go get a straw. "Now I never have to worry about people stealing my food ever again."
A father tucked a small boy in to bed and kissed him on the forehead. "Alright bud, you try and get some sleep now."
"But what about the elephant that tries to get into my window?" the little boy whispered worriedly.
"Don't worry, son, we'll never have to worry about that mean ol' elephant ever again." The dad closed the curtains to his son's room and then left, going outside to set the limits for Bean.
The video sped up, showing the passage of time. From inside the boy's room, you could hear the explosions from the bombs going off outside the window as the boy slept peacefully, happy that the elephant had been taken care of.
"God dammit, Tiffy!" A man yelled as he dodged bombs thrown by Bean in the earlier morning hours. "How am I supposed to sleep through the night if this dog-goned contraption is making noise all night?"
"I was just worried about us, Henry!" A woman, Tiffy, yelled. "This is our only means of protection!"
"We don't need any damned protection," Henry yelled, jumping up and missing Bean.
"But the mafia is after us!"
"That's not true! And if they were this is drawing more attention to us than would be needed, don't you think? I don't know how you get these ideas planted in your head!"
The camera zoomed out as Henry finally caught Bean and turned it off. Across the street, a black car drove slowly by and watched as the frustrated Henry and hysterical Tiffy reentered the house, fighting the whole way.
"And there you have it, folks," Kaoru smiled into the camera. "One brand new and cheap protection system for your house. How cheap, you ask. Well, it's only three lilac breasted rollers! That's means anyone can get these protections systems! Except they can't because we are only selling 200 of them! So come on down to Kaoru's Toyland and get these little buggers while supplies last... Though I must warn you... They are bloody tricky to handle and we are not responsible for loss of eyebrows or other bodily things."
