Chapter 11 - Test
BPOV
Another two weeks passed and Edward and I still circled each other in a slightly awkward manner. But so far I had been impressed by him. He was letting me do everything I wanted; going hunting without him, going into the forest by myself, staying alone in my room for hours on end, shopping online with Alice. Things that would have given him anxiety attacks when I had still been human, now seemed to be easier for him. Or he was just hiding it really well. Either way he was giving me space when I needed it. He was letting me be independent, just like he'd promised.
Still I was getting frustrated. I wanted to be closer to him when he was anywhere near me, yet at the same time I was scared to let him get closer. So I maintained our distance and had actually started avoiding him a little these past few days. Thankfully, he had been throwing himself into researching mental shields with Carlisle's. They had contacted Eleazar and he had seemed to agree with them I was a mental shield. I had been pretty ecstatic about that news. But I was still no further at working with it. When I was alone I tried to envision my shield. But I got nowhere. It was a strange idea that what I was doing to keep Edward out was a shield of some sort that I had wrapped around my brain. It was something that had always been there, so it was hard to now see it as something separate from my brain.
Although I got nowhere with my shield. My control continued to improve. We had all agreed to push my hunting trips to four days, to see how I would handle it and I was doing great. I had hunted yesterday but I had not yet felt the burn or need to. I secretly figured I would be able to go at least a week in between hunts, if not more. But I listened closely to Jasper's input on this. I let him set the pace for it. He was the one with newborn experience and although I was something that he had never seen before, I trusted his judgement in my control, more than my own.
Today had been no different from the rest. We'd all spent some time together this afternoon. I had succesfully avoided Edward by sticking close to Rosalie and Alice had swept me away most of the evening to do some online shopping. It had been only an hour ago when I had finally managed to get away from her to head up to my own room for some peace and quiet. It was late at night and I had been absorbed in Pride and Prejudice for a while now when there came a knock at the door.
'Yes?' I answered. The door creaked open and Edward appeared in the doorway.
His face was a blank mask as he stepped into my room. 'Hi.' He said.
'Hi.' I answered. Edward had been habitually fleeing the house at night. So it surprised me to see him.
'I was wondering whether you would like to join me for a ride?' he asked.
'A ride?' I echoed. We could run fast enough wherever we wanted. I didn't really see the use of a car.
He nodded. 'Yes. I thought you might like to go into the city. It's pretty much deserted at this hour, so there won't be any humans around, but it's still a good practice to see how you're getting along.'
My breath stopped. He wanted to test me?
'Is it safe?' I squeaked. I was afraid of going near humans. I had so far managed to keep my control. But I hadn't been close to humans. The only human I had spoken to was Jacob. And he had smelled absolutely horrendous. I wasn't sure if I was ready for a real test.
'Your control is amazing. Carlisle and Jasper both think it's a good idea.' He said.
'Are you sure you alone are enough to stop me… you know if something were to happen?'
He nodded. 'I'll make sure nothing happens.' He stated confidently.
I nodded. 'Alright then let's go.'
We headed down to his car and I got in on the passenger side. I saw his fingers twitch as I slid in. But he quickly shook it off and went round to the driver side. I bit my lip, realizing I had simply gotten in the car and he'd wanted to open my door for me. It had hurt him, I realized, that I hadn't expected him to open my door. I sighed and looked out the window as he started backing out of the drive.
'Sorry.' he muttered after a moment.
'For what?' I asked confused.
'I'm making you uncomfortable.' He stated.
I started shaking my head but he grinned at me. 'I know I have been.' He said, tapping his head.
'Jasper.' I stated. He nodded. I sighed.
'It's not anything you've done… it's just hard. Harder than I thought… being around you.'
'Is it too hard?' he asked, his voice pained. 'Do you need me to stay further away?' he asked though it sounded as if it took a great deal of effort to offer it.
I shook my head. 'No… No it's not like that… it's…' I stopped. I wasn't even sure myself. I had imposed these rules. I should be able to abide by them. But I was struggling keeping my distance from him. I wanted to kiss him and hold him in my arms. I wanted him. But I was still so unsure about him… it was a mess.
'I can't explain it really..' I said, realizing I still hadn't given him an answer.
He groaned. 'I had expected this to be easier.' He said finally. 'Now that we're the same. I had expected that I might be able to hear you… but it's still just as frustrating as ever not knowing what you're really thinking.'
I snorted. 'The rest of us live like this all the time.' I reminded him.
He laughed. 'The horror.' I laughed as well and he smiled gently at me. 'if I can do something to make it easier for you… would you tell me?' He asked.
I nodded. 'But I don't think there is really.' I assured him. 'It's just something I have to work through.'
He nodded to himself, then he pulled the car over. I had been so engrossed in our talk that I hadn't noticed that woodland had given way to a cityscape.
'Let's walk.' He suggested.
I nodded and got out of the car. He was at my side instantly. He held out his hand a silent question in his eyes. I put my hand in his.
He smiled and pulled me along as we started walking at human pace through the empty streets of the city. I clutched his hand and took a small breath through my nose. I grit my teeth. The smell… animals had nothing on this. The scents of the humans that had walked here saturated the air. It was potent. It smelled so good. But as I took another breath I realized I wasn't overcome by it. It was like walking past a bakery while I was human. It was amazing; the scent coated my throat as I inhaled and it gave me a warm enjoyable feeling. But it wasn't as if it made me uncontrollable. I wasn't overcome with hunger or desire to sink my teeth in something. It was just like walking past a bakery and getting hungry from the thought of those freshly baked rolls in the window, but I didn't have to grab them at once and stuff them in my face. I was glad of it. I relaxed my grip on Edwards hand and started breathing normally again. He looked at me for a moment, making sure I was in control, then a breath-taking smile spread across his features.
'Thank you for this.' I said. 'I wasn't sure I would be able to handle it. Thank you for pushing me and believing in me.'
'You don't have to thank me for anything, Bella. I want to help you. I wasn't here for the start, but I want to be here for you for the rest of it.'
'Thank you.'
He gave me a smile and we headed further down the street. 'Do you think you can handle a person?' he asked, pulling me to a stop.
I mulled it over. The faded scents of the humans were no problem. I was easily walking through it now. But I wasn't sure if the scent would become much stronger. Or if it could overwhelm me.
I bit my lip. 'I'm not sure… perhaps from a distance?' I inquired.
Edward nodded and pulled on my arm. We headed down an alleyway and Edward pushed me against the far wall, caging me with his body.
'They'll be passing by here in a moment. Just stay calm and know that I'll have you if anything gets to be too much.' He said soothingly. His body was close to mine. If we'd been human I would have felt his body heat rolling off of him. I stared up at him, slightly afraid of what was going to happen. But I took a deep breath to steady myself. Edward pressed himself closer as I started hearing soft footfalls against the concrete. He put his hands on either side of the wall next to me, his chest pressed against mine as he grounded me with his body.
'They're here.' He muttered. I stared into his eyes trying to keep him in my senses most as I took a small breath.
Potent.
I grit my teeth and tried to quell the growl that ripped it's way up my chest. Edwards weight pressed into me harder.
'It's alright.' I heard him soothe.
I gasped at the sensation of his body against mine. My mind completely distracted from the humans that were walking by. Their scent was still there, but somehow overpowered by other things. I was barely even aware of them anymore. All I could think about was Edward, and how his weight was pleasantly wrapped around me. I gazed up at him. Was I ready for this?
EPOV
I pressed her into the wall gently. Hoping that my weight against her would keep her grounded in herself. Leaving herself to her instincts was the last thing we wanted. I silently cursed myself for this. I hadn't thought anyone would be in this part of town at this time. I hadn't heard them either, i was too focused on Bella until they were nearly upon us. I was sure she could handle it though. She was amazing. The old scent that lingered in the city had hardly bothered her at all. She hadn't shown any signs she was even interested in it. I was sure she could handle this as well.
Still I pressed myself tightly against her. 'They're here.' I muttered.
She whimpered softly and pressed back into the wall. Her eyes were trained on my face in concentration. She was steeling herself. I saw her took a small breath and I felt the vibrations of her growl shudder through my chest. My body responded of its own accord. I pressed myself more tightly against her. I wasn't even doing it as a caution anymore. It was just so… incredibly sexy to have her growl like that. The sensation of that growl through my body had been amazing I couldn't help but press myself closer.
She gasped softly and I stared into her eyes. Something had changed. I felt it in the air. There was something building between us. Something powerful, something electric, or sensual even. I gulped.
'Bella.' I said softly, my voice a throaty whisper. She gave a small sound but nothing else. Her tongue snaked out and she licked her lips. My gaze drew down to her lips and I longed to kiss her. But she wasn't ready for that. She had told me. I shouldn't be doing this. I was about to step back when her arms snaked up my chest. My breath stocked in my throat. Could it be?
She traced the planes of my stomach and my chest. I bit back a growl. But still a shudder rippled through me. Her eyes shone with something deeper and more intense than love. I was sure it echoed in my own eyes. She stretched up onto her toes then and pressed her lips to mine.
I grunted in surprise before my arms wound around her waist tightly and I squeezed her to me. I was elated I could do this now. I could love her like she was destined to be loved. I no longer had to be careful. I didn't have to stop her lust. I could enjoy it.
She moaned as her lips moved with mine. I swiped my tongue against her bottom lip and she gasped. I took advantage of that opening to thrust my tongue into her mouth. I had never kissed her like this when she had been a human. She gasped wildly and her arms locked around my neck. I urged her legs around my waist, and she clamped them around me tightly. I pressed her against the wall firmly as her tongue tangled fiercely with mine. This was heaven. It had to be. I was in heaven. The sensation of having her in my arms again was everything I had imagined and more. It was pure bliss. I couldn't believe it. This girl was mine. She was mine and no one else's and I was the only one that could hold her like this, touch her like this, kiss her like this. I gripped her tightly as she moved and writhed against me. I moaned as she started rubbing her centre against me. To say I was aroused was an understatement. But somewhere in the back of my mind I knew we had to stop. She was overwhelmed by the humans' smell. She had to calm down. She surely didn't want to be taken up against the wall of a dirty alleyway. She deserved better than that.
It took an amazing amount of strength but I finally pulled myself out of the kiss. We were both panting heavily as I rested my forehead against hers.
'Bella.' I moaned. 'Bella. We have to stop.' I said in between pants.
she nodded immediately. 'Yes… we… stop.' She said breathlessly. I closed my eyes tightly. I couldn't do this… we needed space… yes. I needed to put her down before I lost myself. She wasn't ready.
'I'm sorry. I shouldn't have.' I said, letting her lower her legs again.
she shook her head. 'No… it's… fine.' She said. Her eyes were wild as they raked over me and I shuddered involuntarily.
'We should head back.' She said as she took a deep breath.
I nodded. I released her and stepped away from her body, giving her the space she so clearly needed. I kept that distance as we started walking back out of the alley and back towards the car. The humans were already gone so I was sure she was safe. We headed back to the car in silence. I opened the door for her this time and she climbed in. I hurried around to the driver's side and climbed in the car. Bella was looking uncomfortable by now. She was squirming in her seat. I wasn't sure how to break this silence. I wasn't sure what to say. Was she regretting kissing me? Did I screw things up? The uncomfortable silence lasted until I pulled up to the house again. She hurriedly got out of the car and ran into the house before I could say anything.
I stayed in the car a moment, unable to move. What had I done?
I heaved a sigh and stepped out. Jasper sauntered out then. He raised an eyebrow at me.
care to explain this? He asked me, sending me overwhelming feelings of desire and love and confusion. I staggered back a step from the force of it.
'What?' I only managed to choke out.
'Perhaps it's time.' Jasper suggested smiling slyly at me.
'Are you sure?' I asked him.
Alice saw tonight would be good.
A stupid grin stretched across my face. Could it be? I ran up the stairs and didn't bother knocking on her door this time. I yanked it open.
