AN : hi guys, just a quick thank you to everyone reading and enjoying it :) thanks for your lovely reviews.
I'll try to post a new chapter every friday!
Chapter 13 - complications
EPOV
The silence was deafening. She'd agreed to be my wife, I had been so elated I couldn't think of anything else but making her mine in every sense of the word. The sex had been mindblowing. But now that I was back in control of my mental faculties, it seemed pretty glaringly obvious that she hadn't been able to say she loved me. I was scolding myself for letting my baser instinct get the better of me. We should have talked this through before. If she was still unsure of me we shouldn't have done this just now.
So here I was waiting anxiously for her to say something… anything. Again I was wishing I could just listen to her thoughts. It would make everything so much easier. But then again, Bella was glad I couldn't read her thoughts. And her happiness was my priority. So I suffered in the silence.
'I'm sorry.' Bella said finally. She stood up and headed into one of the bedrooms. She returned a few moments later dressed in jeans and a shirt. It appeared Alice had already stocked the little cabin then. I didn't understand what she was doing.
'Why are you sorry?' I asked confused. I sat up slowly. Her eyes racked down my body before settling a good deal lower than my waist. She seemed to catch her self and she quickly turned away and bit her lip.
'I'm sorry.' she said again. 'I shouldn't have done that.'
Ogled me or made love to me? I wonderded to myself. A cold feeling started creeping up on me. Did she not want to be my wife after all? Had she changed her mind?
'Done what?' I asked.
'I shouldn't have… We shouldn't have…' she put her hands to her head and shook it. She seemed confused.
I slowly got up. 'Bella, baby, I'm lost here. What's wrong, love?' I stepped in front of her and held her hands in mine tightly. She wore my ring, there was nothing that could keep us apart. I was sure of it.
'I'm not sure if I'm ready for this.' She said, biting her lip.
'Ready for what?'
'For you, Edward.' She whispered. If my heart was still beating it would have stopped.
'I don't understand, bella. Please don't tell me you don't love me.' I pleaded.
'NO!' She quickly exclaimed. 'God no! oh, I'm messing this up! No I don't not love you… if that makes sense.'
I frowned at her. She was rambling and I couldn't understand what she was getting at. 'Bella.' I squeezed her hands. 'Please. Don't spare my feelings. Tell me exactly what is going on. don't worry about hurting me. just tell me please.
She took a deep breath and looked at me for a moment. Then she nodded. 'I do want to marry you Edward, I want to spent eternity with you. But this is all happening so fast. When you said you loved me, even though I do really want to be your wife… I just couldn't bring myself to say the words back to you. And I don't know why, because you've been nothing but respectful this entire time. And I'm the one that threw up these stupid walls and boundaries. But I'm not sure what's going on exactly with us yet and although I know I'm drawn to you and I want you so much… I can't bring myself to fully believe you won't abandon me this time.'
My heart had soared at first. She wanted to marry me! but then the rest of her words hit home. She couldn't say she loved me yet, because she wasn't sure yet.
'You still don't trust me.' I surmised, my lips pursed. She looked at me with pain in her eyes.
'Not because I don't want to.' She whispered.
I smiled at her and kissed her softly. 'It's okay, love. Before your change I betrayed your trust, I lied to you and hurt you so deeply. You brought that pain into this life and it's hard for a newborn to deal with that. You're still getting used to everything. Emotions are hard to sort thought in the beginning, even harder to understand and work through. I understand you can't bring yourself to say it yet. I won't pressure you into saying it. If you want we can even hold off on the engagement for a while until you're more comfortable. But know bella, that you can have any part of me you want any time.
She looked at me then, her eyes full of secrets, but I could clearly see the desire lurking through there. I took her hand and placed a small kiss on it before placing it on my bare chest.
'If this is the part you want for now Bella, I'll be happy to oblige.' I told her, smiling at her. That was definitely not a chore on my behalf. I actually couldn't wait to get her underneath me again. It had been the singlemost amazing experience of my existence. Nothing I had done had ever been better, not even drinking bella's blood when she'd been human.
'Are you sure?' she asked. I nodded.
'Whatever you need. We'll go at your pace. I'm completely at your disposal.' I assured her.
She fell into my arms then and I smiled. It felt right to have her in my arms. She belonged in my arms. I was glad we had this between us now. When she'd been human I had been holding on to my ideas of virtue and with the fact that intimacy was simply an inpossibility. Now there were no such boundaries. It seemed absurd to put something outdated like virtue between us. So I threw everything out of the window. I knew she had needed me. She had needed the confirmation that she excited me, that she stroked my lust. She needed the proof that I loved her in a physical expression, words weren't enough right now for her new vampire brain. She was still struggling with it, even though she was doing amazingly. She was still a newborn and it was all new and different for her. So I knew she needed this part of me. And I was willing to give her all of me. That's why I'd asked her to marry me. I wanted her to know I wanted her fully and completely. Not just her body. I wanted everything.
'I don't want to feel like I'm using you.' she mused silently.
'you won't. I'm a willing participant in this, Bella. Just tell me what you need and I'll make it happen.' I said, meaning not just sexually but anything.
'But why aren't you upset with me for not being able to say it?' she asked, peeking up at me through her eyelashes.
I grinned at her. 'Bella. I know you love me.' I told her, tilting her face up so I could look at her better. 'I see it in your eyes, I feel it in your touches and I hear it in your words. Just like you hear it from me, see it in me and feel it from me.'
She let out a sigh and placed her head back against my chest. 'What is this place, by the way?' She asked after a moment. 'You never answered.'
I grinned. 'Sorry. I got carried away for a moment I think.' I said sheepishly. She smiled and pecked me.
'I did too.' she said with a seductive smile. I cleared my throat before I threw her down on that rug and started all over again.
'Esme and Alice started fixing it up this past month. The family thought that when we found our way back to each other we'd might like a little place to ourselves for a while.' I shrugged. 'it's still close by enough that Esme is happy. But it's far enough away that I can't hear them.' I grinned. She grinned back. 'Alice decked everything out already'
Hence the fully stocked closet.' Bella mused looking down at herself. I nodded. She looked around the place in wonder then. 'So this is our own? Our own little house?'
'if you want it to be.' I said easily. I wanted nothing more than to move her in here with me, but I could understand it if she needed more time. 'but we don't have to rush anything. We could just stay here for tonight, and go back to the house tomorrow and stay there again for a while.'
She pursed her lips. 'I'd like to stay here tonight. I'm not sure about tomorrow. But I'd like to stay here tonight.' She said, looking down at the floor as she did.
'Anything you want.' I assured her.
'Anything?' She echoed, her eyebrow lifting upwards.
'Anything.' I confirmed. A devious glint slistered is her eye and I suddenly worried what I had gotten myself into. She stepped from my embrace and pulled on my hand.
'Then I'd like to go explore the bedroom. There's a big comfy bed in there that has not been tested yet.'
A predatory grin slipped onto my face as I caught her meaning. 'If you want.' I said, smiling at her. Then I crouched down and caught her around the waist, throwing her over my shoulder and strutting to the bedroom. She giggled and trashed in my hold playfully. I threw her down on the bed and we started all over again.
