Chapter 14 - Talking it out
BPOV
When the sun started flooding through the windows we lay wrapped in each others arms tightly. I couldn't deny I had missed this; simply being held by him. I knew I couldn't sleep anymore but this reminded me of our nights when I had been human. They reminded me of how happy I had been to have him. Although those nights now paled in comparison to this last night. If I could have blushed, I was sure I would be beet red just thinking back on it. It was safe to say it had been the most amazing night of my entire life - not very impressive seeing as I had only been a boring 17 year old human and my nights had never been that exciting, but still. I was sure there was nothing that could measure up to being intimate with Edward.
I stretched in his arms and a low chuckle rumbled through his chest. We were wrapped up in a blanket on the rug in the fireplace. We'd been all over the house; the bedroom, the kitchen, one adventureous romp on the diningroom table – which unfortunately the table did not survive, before we'd ended up back on the rug in the living room again.
'What are you thinking?' Edward asked me, tickling his fingers along my spine softly.
I kissed his chest. 'I was just thinking that nothing in my human life could have measured up to this. Thank you.' I kissed his chest again. His arms tightened around me for a moment.
'Do you want to head back to the house?' he asked.
I shrugged. 'Can we stay here a while longer?'
'Anything you want, love.' He assured me. A few minutes passed by in a comfortable silence, before Edward started up again. 'Will you tell me something?' he asked.
I nodded. 'Will you tell me what happened...' He tensed underneath me and I drew myself up on my elbow to look at him. 'With Laurent?' he finished through clenched teeth.
I looked away from him then. I struggled with that still. It wasn't a pleasant memory to go back to. I had only really shared everything with Rosalie. She'd been helping me sort through my feelings about it, because she had gone through something similar. But still it was hard to talk about.
I swallowed. 'I guess.' I muttered. 'What do you want to know?'
'He attacked you?'
I nodded. 'Yes.'
'Where?'
I took a deep breath. 'I had been trying to find our meadow with Jacob. We'd been trekking through the woods trying to find it for a few weeks. Jacob suddenly stopped hanging out with me, and I couldn't really handle being on my own in the house, so I decided I would look for it by myself.'
Edward let out a small groan beside me. I quickly threw him a glare. 'Jacob had been teaching me how to read a map, okay? I'm not that helpless.'
He gave me a rueful smile. 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that.' He assured me.
I crossed my arms over my chest. 'How did you mean it then?'
'I just shuddered to think what you could come across on your own in the woods. Supernatural beings notwhitstanding, just the fact that you could have tripped and hurt yourself… it makes me anxious.'
I rolled my eyes at him. 'It's already happened. There's nothing for you to be anxious about anymore.'
He smiled at me and carefully traced my cheekbone and the line of my jaw with his hand. 'I know. Old habits.' He winked. 'Please go on.'
I took a deep breath. 'Well. I headed into the woods and then I found the meadow. But it was nothing like I remembered it. So I kind of had a breakdown.' I confessed nervously. 'And then… then Laurent appeared.' I looked down at my hands for a moment. 'He'd gone past your house and saw it was empty. He was surprised to find me. He'd assumed I would have gone with you.'
Edward let out a shaky breath. His arms wound around me tightly. 'Never, if I live another thousand years, will I ever be able to do enough penance for having left you bella. I'm so sorry.'
'I told him you visited often.' I continued. I was sure if I stopped now I wouldn't be able to continue. Then my lips pulled up into a half smile. 'Acutally it was you that told me to lie to him.'
His brow furrowed at that. 'What do you mean?'
'Well, I found out that whenever I was doing something dangerous… I could hear you. Your voice would come to me and warn me against whatever I was doing. It made me feel close to you.'
He groaned. 'You were intentionally putting yourself in danger just to hear my voice?' he asked in a pained voice.
I nodded. 'With Laurent I was definitely in danger, so your voice spoke to me and told me I had to lie. I did. But then you told me I had to lie better. Laurent told me Victoria had sent him after me. And that if Victoria had been the one to find me, I'd be a lot less lucky. She would have tortured me to death.'
'Victoria?' Edward ground out. 'What?'
'She wants me dead, because you killed James. A mate for a mate, Laurent had said.'
Edward sucked in a ragged breath. But then seemed to compose himself again. 'Go on.'
'Laurent started well... playing with me is the best I can describe it. He was making me scared and making me realize I had no chance of survival. Then he got distracted by something. I couldn't make it out exactly then, but when he turned back to me he decided to kill me. I could see it in his eyes. So I turned and tried to run for it… of course I got about three feet, before I fell down and cracked my head on a rock.' I admitted sheepishly.
Edward let out a groan. 'I'm glad you're a lot more durable now Bella. You can't imagine how often I've imagined exactly that happening to you.' he said sighing heavily.
I grinned. 'Well, the knock on my head made me pretty disoriented, but I know Laurent grabbed me and used me as a shield. The wolves of La push had heard him and they'd come to save me.'
'The wolves?' Edward's eyebrows shot halfway to his hairline. 'I thought they'd all died out?'
'Apparently the threat of vampires triggers the change. So there's a new pack there now.'
'Interesting', he seemed lost in his own thoughts for a moment before he nodded at me to go on. 'Well the wolves appeared and Laurent tried to use me as a bargaining chip. It didn't work. He… he bit my neck and I don't know how exactly, but instead of draining me quickly he somehow tore a good chunk out of my neck and dropped me to the ground again. The wolves got him then. They killed him.'
'And then?' his tone was curt.
'The venom was already spreading. They left me there to change.' I bit my lip as I remembered the fire that had wrecked me. 'I woke up three days later as a vampire. Jacob explained what had happened. '
'He's a wolf?' Edward guessed. I nodded.
'He said the wolves had allowed my change, but on the condition that I adhered to the animal diet blood. I, of course, agreed. Jacob explained how they stopped Laurent and then faked my death for Charlie and the rest of Forks.'
'How?'
'They drove my truck off a cliff.' I mumbled, grieving for my truck. I had loved that thing. 'They claimed a body would be swept out by the tide.
Edward nodded in agreement. 'A suicide?'
I shook my head. 'No, just an accident.' I looked down at my hands again. 'I don't think they wanted to do that Charlie, to place that kind of stress on him. They care about him.'
He nodded in agreement. 'Please continue.'
'Well I knew I couldn't go back to forks, I knew I couldn't be around people. Although Jacob smelled – bad. I knew other humans probably wouldn't. So I decided to run. I just kept running until I was deep in the wilderness. I found a cave and I spent the first week of my new life there, getting used to the new smells, sounds, senstaions.. everything.'
'A week?' He frowned. 'What about Alice? Did she not see you?'
I shrugged. 'I'm not sure exactly what she saw. I know she didn't see the attack itself. She just saw me as a vampire in the woods. It took her and Jasper about a week to find me.'
'And then they brought you back here?' he asked.
I nodded. 'Yes. They brought me back and everyone helped welcomed me home. Esme gave me a room and Rosalie helped me sort through a lot of things… everyone was really supportive.'
'And I wasn't there.' Edward mumbled.
'You're here now.' I said, leaning in and kissing him softly.
He smiled at me. 'I wish I had been there Bella. I wish I had been there to help you through this. I never wanted this for you… not like this.'
'You didn't want me to change at all.' I pointed out.
He sighed. 'It's not that I didn't want it.' He admitted. 'A part of me wanted it a great deal. I wanted you all for myself. But I wanted you to change when you were ready for it. Before Alice called, my will had been crumbling steadily for a while. I was sure if you'd managed not to attract any danger for a few more weeks, I'd have been on your doorstep begging you to take me back. I was a mess without you. I would have done anything you wanted, including changing you. If that had been what you had wanted from me, I would have done it. Some part of me actually wanted to be the one… to do it. That the last thing you would have felt as a human were my lips against your skin, my voice soothing you, my venom changing you…' His eyes widened as if he hadn't intended to let me know that tidbit. But I smiled at it. In all fairness that had been what I had wanted as well. 'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.' Edward said softly.
I smiled. 'No. Thank you for saying that.' We stayed silent again for a while. 'Will you tell me what you did when you were gone?' I asked him, since we were bearing all, I wanted everything out in the open.
He sighed. 'I was a mess.' He smiled ruefully. 'I tore my own heart out when I left you in the woods. I joined the rest of the family here in New Hampshire for a while. But I knew I was driving them insane, especially Jasper. And I was going mad listening to their thoughts as well. So about a week later I left. I packed a bag and left. At first I wasn't sure what I was going to do. But then I set my sights on Victoria.'
I sucked in a startled breath. 'Victoria?'
'I knew she could still pose a threat. I hadn't considered Laurent, because I thought he was doing well with Irina up in Denali.' He growled. But then he sighed. 'So I focussed on Victoria. I tried tracking her. But she's canny. Somehow she left false trails everywhere I turned. She made it look like she was going down to Brazil so I followed her there. Then I lost her. Apparently she had gone up to Alaska to get to Laurent. But I didn't know. I couldn't find her anymore and I sort of crashed… I was useless it seemed at everything. So I gave up. I rented a shabby attic room and stayed there. Hiding from the world. I checked in with the rest of my family about once a week or two weeks, but that was it. The rest of my days I spent staring out of the window miserably and fighting myself for having left you.'
I shook my head at that. 'It seemed we were both miserable without the other.' I said smiling gently at him. He nodded in agreement.
'I'm sorry.' He said. 'I'm sorry I was such a dickhead.'
A startled snort of laughter escaped my lips. I had never heard Edward use that kind of language in my life. It was hilarious. He smiled as well. But then continued on sierously.
'I know I said it all before. But I'm so sorry for what I put you through. For what I put us through. I promise you, I'll never again willingly leave your side.'
'Not ever?'
'Not ever.' He confirmed. Then he turned sorrowful. 'Unless you order me away.' He added. I rolled my eyes at that. Then he pulled me up from the floor and wrapped me in his arms tightly. 'Let's head back to the house. I want to speak to Carlisle and Jasper about something.' He said. I frowned at the sudden change in atmosphere. But a few seconds later there was a knock at the door of the cabin.
I rolled my eyes. Alice. 'just a minute!' I called out. Edward chuckled as I darted quickly into the bedroom and hurried to the closet to find some clothes. Edward strolled leisurely inside as well and threw on a pair of sweats. Then he headed back out and I heard the click of the door as it opened.
'There you are.' Alice said in her sing song voice. 'We were starting to get worried.' She said, biting back a laugh. I gave a short growl and she laughed outright. 'Come on, Bella. You can't stay cooped up in here for ever.' She chided me.
'Leave me alone.' I said back. I stuffed my feet in my shoes and walked out to the living room again. She was smiling broadly at me as she looked between me and Edward.
'So?' She asked. I frowned.
'So what?' I asked confused.
'Don't you have something to tell me?' She asked. Edward threw her a glare.
'Alice, stop it.' He ordered her. His tone warning. I glanced between them confused for a moment. Alice was frowning by now.
Then she turned back to me. 'Did you say no?' she asked confused. Understanding dawned on me then. Edward and I had been in our little happy bubble for so long I had completely forgotten he had proposed to me. I glanced down to my hand and saw the ring still sitting there. I bit my lip. I wasn't sure where we stood on that right now. I wasn't sure if I could still be his fiancé if I couldn't even tell him I loved him. It felt unfair somehow. Yet he had assured me we could do this at my pace. I could have any part of him I wanted.
Alice was still waiting for an answer and I looked up to Edward with panic in my eyes.
'Alice, I said to butt out.' he said, catching my panicked look. 'If there's something to tell we'll tell you. Until then stop pestering her.' He crossed his arms over his chest.
Alice frowned again and her eyes got that distanced look as she searched the future. I saw Edward wince once and then smile happily. As Alice focussed back on me she was smiling as well.
'Alright!' she agreed easily. 'Are you coming back to the house then?'
'In a minute.' Edward said, still wearing that smile. She nodded and headed out of the cabin again. As the door closed behind her I turned to Edward.
'What was that?' I asked him.
He smiled. 'Alice saw me propose, but she couldn't see the answer so she decided to come bother us about it.'
'And what was that little smile when she was looking for the future?'
'She saw the answer.' He shrugged easily. I groaned. Great now she would start planning the wedding while I was still wondering what on earth I was going to do. As if sensing my growing distress he came over and wrapped his arms around me.
'It's alright Bella.' He said soothingly. 'We don't have to announce anything. We don't have to change anything yet. Alice will keep her mouth shut until you are ready. I promise she won't bother you about this. You can take all the time you need.'
I took a deep steadying breath. Then nodded. 'Alright.' then I took hold of the ring and slid it off my finger. 'You should take this back for now.' I mumbled, avoiding looking at his eyes. 'I'm not sure I can be your fiancé just yet. I need some time.'
He nodded and took it back from me. I could see he wasn't happy about it but he was doing his best to conceal it from me.
'Let's head back to the house.' I suggested. Edward nodded and disappeared into the bedroom for a moment before reappearing with his shirt and shoes on again. He took my hand and together we set off for the house.
