Kathleen shakily pulled her hand away and grabbed on to it. The hand that she was holding was solid. She hastily placed the front and back of her hand in her other palm. She could feel the clamminess and the shaking she was doing.
She stumbled backward with her hands grasping onto each other. "What?" She said in a shaky breath. "H-how? It's not- no." She couldn't form a word, much less a thought. She turned up to the Captain, then back to her hand.
Is it possible that it was just her imagination? Her hand couldn't have just disappeared, can it?
She looked back at Drinian, questioning if she should try again, but a voice made her jump out of her skin.
"Drinian. I can take over if you wish." She turned to the main floor and saw Caspian calling to the Captian.
"She's all yours, Your Majesty," Drinian called back. The King nodded and made his way up the stairs. Kathleen tried to get his attention, begging to look in her direction, but he did nothing of the sort. She tried to stop him with her hands, but he just went right through them. She whimpered as both her hands turned to a cloudy mist then back to normal.
"No," she squeaked. chesting rising rapidly. She turned to the King in a panic as he spoke to Drinian, "What's happening?" There was frantic in her voice. The two men hadn't heard her so she cried out, "What's happening?! Please!" The two men continued to speak as Kathleen was shocked into silence with her situation.
"That will do," Caspian said. For a moment, Kathleen believed that he was talking to her, but Caspian's gaze was still with the Captain. As Drinian turned, he walked in the direction that Caspian had come up. Kathleen had stood still from where she was, frozen with fear. She would have moved, but it was as though her feet were not receiving the messages from her brain. For that reason, Drinian had walked right through her, making her whole body go in a cloud.
She stumbled as she came back together. She felt violated and nauseous. She wanted to scream and cry but she stood frozen in place, not knowing what to do.
"Oh, and Drinian," Caspian called once again, "make with what you can about the 'Kathleen situation' will you?"
Kathleen's head snapped to Caspian just as Drinian replied with an 'Aye' to his Majesty.
"What do you mean?" Kathleen called in a rush to Caspian. "Do you know about this? Caspian?" Nothing. "Caspian! Can you hear me?" She didn't expect a response, she still prayed for one. Something to let her know that she wasn't invisible. Sadly, she got nothing. As she wiped her forehead with her still clammy hands, a voice did call over from the steps on the other side of the boat.
Edmund, Lucy, and Eustace climbed up the stairs and stood at Caspian's side. Just like the others, they did not see Kathleen, who was not even four feet away from where the ship's wheel was.
"Have you found her yet?" asked Lucy as she leads the other two boys to Caspian.
That question had jolted her, making her jump into a run to Lucy's said. "Lucy! I'm right here, Lucy!"
"Not yet," Caspian said in a sigh.
"Well, she couldn't have gone far. It's not like she would jump overboard," said Edmund, as if he was stating the obvious.
"No! I wouldn't!" Kathleen shouted as she jogged between the two Kings. "Because I'm here! On the ship. Just-just turn around." She tried to move his shoulder by placing her hands on his, but like before, they dissolved on contact.
"Good riddance, I say. Lewis was nothing but a nuisance. At least I know when to step out of the way. Unlike her," said the youngest boy.
A cold wave washed over all of Kathleen's being. She placed her hands close to her chest. She'd never heard Eustace speak about her in such a way. Of course, she was aware he wasn't the most gentle person to be around, but that was uncalled for. She had believed that Eustace was opening and accepting the idea of a place like Narnia and seeing herself as more than just a tutor who gets paid by his parents, but maybe she had been wrong.
"Come now, Eustace," Caspian said with a mischievous glint in his eye. "Say it any louder and she might hear you."
He laughed as Eustace gulped like a fish. "There no such thing as ghosts."
Lucy shrugged, "He's right." Eustace gave Caspian an 'I told you so' look, but it soon became one that seemed as if he had seen a ghost himself. "Not about the ghost. About what you said about Kathleen."
"She's not terrible," Caspian hummed to himself. "She's just..." He pinched his lips together in a line.
"Face it Caspian, you don't know why she's in Narnia in the first place either."
Kathleen stared at Lucy in stunned silence. She felt like she was going to be sick. She whispered the younger girl's name. This couldn't be, right? Lucy would never say something like this. She's too kind and caring and understanding. She always saw the good in people. Lucy would never say something like that, unless...
Unless it was true.
Caspian's shoulder's relaxed, "I just don't understand why Aslan would send someone like her to a world like this. She hasn't done anything remotely useful for the crew. All she does is stay in the cabin and read, and when we reach land, what does she do?"
"She gets captured," Edmund said in a low voice.
"Exactly!" Caspian shouted. "And we have to come in a save her. Lucy can take care of herself. There is no doubt about that, but Kathleen, she's...," he struggled to find the right word. Lucky for him, he didn't have to.
"A hideous burden." Edmund's head was down as he said it. "She's a hideous burden and it was a mistake that she had been taken to Narnia." He lifted his head and turned to Caspian. Kathleen was still in her place right between them, but Edmund's next words might as well have been stabbed in the back. "She doesn't belong in Narnia and she never will."
She walked in a trance backward, not realizing that she was going right through Caspian until it was too late. She was trembling all over. This couldn't be happening. It couldn't be true what they were saying. She wanted to throw up.
"I mean, what was she thinking she could do with reading all those books. Did she think she could actually help us? What good would reading something that happened a thousand years do with what is happening now?" Edmund questioned the others.
"That's what I've been saying!" Shouted Eustace, making the others laugh.
Lucy stepped closer to the other, motioning them to lean in, "I had to toss away all the notes she has done. They were useless! Not to mention all wrong. Nothing made sense."
Edmund put a hand onto Lucy's shoulder, bringing her in slightly, "You did us all a favor, Lu." He looked up and Kathleen could swear that he was looking right at her. His eyes were no longer the soft chestnut that she had known. Instead, they were like blackholes burning from the inside out and Kathleen knew she was about to get burned.
"She is nothing in the land of Narnia. A complete waste of space. She doesn't have a clue of what she's doing and the whole grand of the ship has been doing loads better without her." The others nodded with him. "All Kathleen has done was pester us about learning how to fight and then walking off to read. She doesn't even take what she learned seriously! She continues to compare it to her 'dancing' if you could even call what she does dancing." Kathleen felt her legs wobbled, but she couldn't break eye contact with Edmund. It hurt to do anything about it. "All she had managed to do is get captured, not once but twice I might add, and give more work for the crew. If you ask me, I agree with Eustace. Good riddance." They all nodded and agreed with Edmund with a loud and proud 'Aye!'
Kathleen had dropped down on the ground, not being about to take any more.
"And who gets captured by Dufflepuds? Honestly, those creatures can't even read or write!" Edmund added.
"Or add," Lucy concluded, making the other laughed. Edmund had called her ridiculous as the other's laughs only grew louder. Kathleen covered her ears from where she'd fallen, praying to block out the noise, but it didn't work.
"You know what I think, about Kathleen's brother. What was his name? James?" Edmund said darkly.
Kathleen pressed her hands harder against her ears. "Jacob," she whispered to herself. "His name is Jacob."
"I think he was sick of her. He thought it would be easier at war than to receive another letter from her."
"No," Kathleen told herself as she vigorously shook her head.
"Her father too, no doubt," adds Eustace, "They probably send letters secretly so only her mother would receive them."
"No. Stop!" Kathleen spoke louder, shaking her head.
"They probably studied her schedule so her mother would receive while she was a dance rehearsal or something."
"Shut it!" Hot steaks were falling.
"Or maybe," Edmund paused. Kathleen looked up at him with her tear-stained face as he smiled wickedly, "they thought they would better dead than stand another minute with her."
"NO!" With that, she lost it. She was crying in hysteria, repeating the word "no" over and over again, until she screamed it like a banshee, making her jolt up from the table and fall off the chair.
Kathleen scrambled onto her feet and rocked in sync with the ship. The storm was still brewing as waves crashed against the walls and lightning flashed against the windows.
It was just a dream, she thought to herself, though her words were not reassuring. There was no one sleeping in the unmade bed. Both Lucy and Gael were gone as well as their shoes.
The back of her throat had an acidic taste building up, but she forced it down. Her heart was pounding and her hands were shaking. She pressed her right hand against her head while she rested her left on top of the table. Looking down she saw her boots where she left them. Squatting down, she touched one with her right hand and sighed in relief when she found them still soaking wet. Around her, notes were scattered. Her jolt must have sent the papers flying. She picked the closest one up and read it.
"There is no denying the hardships Narnia has been through over the years. From the first council during the Age of Conquest, where there was a constant worry of when Jadis will attack, to the Telmarine Age, where King Caspian the First left his country of Telmar to conquer what was then known as the Dark Age of Narnia; the people and creatures of Narnia has always been able to rise. I wonder if it has to do with the pattern of things, or if it has to do with something entirely different. Throughout their history, there has been one person or idea that seems like a contradiction, and that one contradiction can and will gather Narnians with one call.
"Hope.
"The hope that one can walk freely and be treated equally. The hope that though times in the beginning maybe seem unjust, the reason will shine through. The hope that even if it seems like you don't belong, there is a reason why you stand where you are today. Hope brings Narnia together. It always has, and will most likely be like that till the end of time."
Kathleen gritted her teeth as she crumbled the page with her trembling hands. How could she think she could understand the Narnians with a few texts? Narnia had been in existence for over two thousand years. It was childish to think that she could learn that much history in a few days. It was childish to think she could know anything it is to be a Narnian.
She realized she was weeping when she threw the now paper ball across the room. Everything in the room was a mess. She felt like a mess. She thought of everything that had been said in the dream, but hard for her to believe that the words were just that. A dream. The words were like a broken record on loop, playing in her brain. It was burned deep inside.
'Face it Caspian, you don't know why she's in Narnia in the first place either.'
'I just don't understand why Aslan would send someone like her to a world like this.'
'She's a hideous burden and it was a mistake that she had been taken to Narnia.'
'She is nothing in the land of Narnia. A complete waste of space.'
She gasped when a knock came on her door, "Kathleen!" said the voice in a panic, "Kathleen! It's Edmund. Are you in there?"
Kathleen's chesting was rising rapidly again. She could let of any words, causing Edmund to push the door open. He was taken back at the scattered floor. He almost didn't see the girl huddled by the table with her hands by her chest. Her skin was paler than it was before, and Edmund knew it had nothing to do with the rocking of the ship.
Kathleen slowly stood up. "Edmund?" She faltered a step back, not fully believing it was him. Nightmare Edmund's words were still playing. She then took a side step to the bed frame and leaned against it.
'She's a hideous burden and it was a mistake that she had been taken to Narnia.'
Edmund stayed where he was, fearing that one step closer might frighten Kathleen. "Yeah. It's me." There were short pauses in between his words, catching his breath as if he ran to the cabin. "We heard you scream. I had to make sure you were okay."
She looked up at him from behind the bedpost, "You can see me," she whispered under her breath.
Edmund noticed her stance, "Did you have a bad dream too?" Kathleen gripped the bedpost with bost hands, giving Edmund his answer. "It's not just you. Lucy and Caspian had them as well." She drifted her eyes to the floor. He hesitated, "And, so did I."
Kathleen slowly dropped down by the end post of the bed, trying to keep herself from vomiting. Could their days at sea finally be playing with their minds? She's read about whole ships going down by their own crewmen's hallucination. Maybe being rocked by their vessel with no sight of land for two weeks had finally gotten them.
Kathleen looked across from her and caught sight of the crackling fire burning in the fireplace. Her ball of paper had been tossed so close to it. It's a miracle that the embers haven't caught it yet.
From where she sat on the floor, she could see a perfect reflection of herself from the mirror. Her head was leaning on the bedpost as her hair was coming out of her braid. Her cheeks and the area under her eyes her red. Next to her, she could see where the chair had fallen as well as most of the papers on the cabin floor. She didn't say anything as Edmund say next to her.
The two teenagers sat in silence as they both looked at their own reflections. Kathleen could see the cold sweat that was glistening on her forehead. She knew it was caused by the dream and that was all her mind could think about. She didn't care how nervous the boy next to her made her feel, the nightmare version of him continue to play. In the next moment, she began to cry.
'She's a hideous burden and it was a mistake that she had been taken to Narnia'
"It wasn't real. Any of it. It was just a dream," Edmund tried to comfort her by placing one of his hands on her shoulder.
Kathleen jumped at the contact, half expecting her shoulder to dissolve at the touch. She leaned away as she sniffed back tears, holding her shoulder as if she got scratched. "No." She shook her head multiple times as she bunched her sleeve at her shoulder. "It wasn't just a bad dream. It was a nightmare. All of it!" She had to bite her lip to stop herself from moving. Kathleen closed her eyes as she tried to calm her breathing. Deep breath in. Deep breath out.
Edmund scooted a centimeter closer, "You can confide to me if you wish, Kathleen. You don't have to if you want to. Just know that if you ever need someone to talk to, my ears are always open for you." She nodded absent-mindedly as she gazed shifted to the ball of paper once again. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. "Lucy is going to sleep with us in the port tonight. I'm positive Gael went to sleep with her father." She nodded gave, a little less this time. "Would you like me to leave you?" She shook her head.
So he stayed sitting next to the girl who continued to hold back tears. It's been minutes since Edmund spoke, but to Kathleen, it felt like hours. She knew she should say something, but her mind kept on returning to the words of Nightmare Edmund, Lucy, and Caspian. She wanted to think of something else. Anything else. She couldn't bring herself to go to the port, knowing that Edmund and most likely half of the ship heard her scream. Plus, she knew that she would be too frightened to sleep, having the risk of the nightmare returns.
'She's a hideous burden.'
"My umm, my mother," Kathleen paused as she brought one foot under her leg and took a deep breath. "My mother wants me to quit dancing."
Edmund turned to Kathleen, puzzled at her statement, "What?"
She gulped as she hugged her leg tighter to her chest, "Well, it was mainly my father's idea. He doesn't think I could make a steady living with it. He thinks I should be focused on school, tutoring, and the bakery. In that order," She paused and took another breath. "Since he and my brother are away, my mother is starting to say the same thing. She says because there is a reason in his words, but I think it's more than that," she bit her lip to stop it from trembling. "I think that if anything were to happen to Papa, it would be as if his final wish has been fulfilled."
Edmund turned his full body to her, "You mustn't think like that, Kathleen."
"But what if it's true?" she replied quickly as she moved from behind the post. She turned to him then back to the paper ball. "I haven't accepted it yet, and maybe that's why I've been ignoring my mother's request. First, she said it was to help with the shop. To save more money, but now she's repeating his words, almost exactly. What if once I stop dancing, the worse comes true? What if we finally get the letter that says he's gone? That they both are? I don't want to lose them." She hadn't noticed she began crying until a teardrop on her hand. A few days ago she had stopped using the wraps and cream that Teldor had given her. The bruising, soreness, and smaller marks had mostly disappeared. The only noticeable mark left was the deeper scar that was placed by her right palm and one by the edge of her left wrist bone on the side of her pinkie.
That day felt so long ago. The thought only made her want to cry harder.
Edmund sat by her, heartbroken. He wanted to hug her but he remembers how she reacted earlier. "Just because you stop dancing does not mean you are going to lose your father you or Jacob." He adds. "And you don't have to stop dancing altogether."
Kathleen sniffed, "How?"
Edmund pressed his lips in a line for a moment. Then, he adjusted himself to sit in crisscross in front of Kathleen, "Just because you stop tutoring Eustace, does that stop you from being a brilliant tutor?" She didn't know how to respond to that. "No," Edmund answered for her, "it doesn't." He shifted his weight before going on, "Just because you stop attending dance practice does not mean you have to stop dancing altogether."
Kathleen tilted her head and wiped some tears away, "I don't think that was the right connection you wanted to make. If it was, you should have mentioned that my dancing was brilliant, or something to that." She was amused with herself as the words came out. She loosened the hold on her leg as the familiar bubble feeling came to her stomach.
"I thought that was obvious," Edmund stated as Kathleen raised an eyebrow at him. "It's true! And if you don't believe me, I'll bet you my sword. I know dancing."
Kathleen looked at Edmund in bewilderment, "And yet it took you so long to relate dancing with fighting." They both chuckled lightly after she said it. There was a small pause as she looked down at her feet. "You use to dance?" She didn't remember anything like that in the text.
"Not well, but my older sister, Susan, she would host grand balls during our reign. We would have to learn to ballroom dance and waltz so we could open the ball for our citizens. It was Narnian tradition and I can honestly say that I don't remember a single routine." Edmund heard Kathleen laugh at this. The sweet melodic laugh put his shoulders at ease like magic. "Peter, he," he paused. Kathleen looked up at Edmund in time to see him took down at the floor. "He would dance with one person in particular anytime he would get the chance. And anytime they waltzed around the room, it was almost impossible to look away. They didn't do anything too elaborate, expecting maybe their first dance together, but something about it was a spectacle." He looked up from the floor. Kathleen relaxed herself seeing his eyes the soft chestnut color. "It's the same spectacle you have when you practice. Wither it be with swords or otherwise."
There was a thunder crash out in the ocean, but neither of the two teenagers jumped. Kathleen stared at the boy in front of her, feeling a moment of bliss in a storm. "Thank you, Edmund," she smiled at him as he gave one in return.
Once again, they had fallen into silence, yet this one was different from before.
Taking a now calming deep breath, Kathleen had stood up, picked up the chair. Then, she began to gather the pages of her notes one at a time. Edmund stood up and helped her. There was a lot more than Kathleen had realized. She had written so much that it could be turned into a novel.
Edmund had given the pages he collected and returned them to Kathleen, who sat by the table trying to reorganize them. As Edmund searched for any loose pages in the cabin, he turned to the fireplace and found an off-white crumbled ball.
Kathleen flipped back and forth between her pages. There was a small gap missing from her findings, but she knows it had nothing to do with the information of the Dark Ages since a lot was missing in Narnia history in general during that era. She was about to ask Edmund if he had found other pages but stopped herself when she turned a spotted a page in his hand. He was holding a wrinkled piece of paper by the fireplace. To Kathleen's guess, he hadn't read it yet. With that, she strides to Edmund, snatching the paper out of his hand.
As she attempted to straighten to page against her stomach, she realized what she did. "I'm sorry," she gulped, surprised at her action. "I'm, uh. I'm not finished with this one just yet."
Edmund nodded with a small smile, "It's fine. Truly, it is." He added the last part as he saw her face fall. He stood by the fireplace as Kathleen made her papers in order. He did offer to help but was denied almost immediately, not that he was offended. It was just he wished to help her and make sure she's safe without feeling like he was suffocating her. Caspian had warned him what he was doing, but couldn't help it. Edmund's fondness over Kathleen had grown. But still, whatever happened tonight, Edmund knew that everyone's two steps forward had been received with five steps back.
As Kathleen finished putting the rest of the papers in order as an idea rang to her mind. She clenched and unclenched her fist repeatedly until she figured out the words to say. "Edmund, may I ask you something?"
"Of course," Edmund replied.
"Do you? Um, do you think that the kitchen needs any help? With handing out rations or something. I would, uh, I would be more than happy to be of more help on the ship."
This is not what Edmund was expecting. "Oh, um. I wouldn't know exactly. I think you're helping plenty, but we could ask tomorrow morning. See if they could use another hand with the food." He could tell that Kathleen was slightly disappointed with his answer, so he thought of a way to change the subject. "Why don't we get some rest. I haven't been able to sleep and I think tonight we all deserve some rest."
Kathleen looked back to her notes solemnly, "I don't think I would be able to sleep. Not tonight, at least."
"Just try, please," he turned to the window. "We don't know how much longer this storm will last. We should all try to get some rest so we can push through another day."
Kathleen placed her pages next to the book she was reading from last night, knowing was right. She had to sleep if she was going to be of any help to the others for the next day. She turned to the window and could hear the thunder rumbling. "Okay. Just wake me before morning rations. I want to be able to help them as soon as possible."
Edmund nodded as he lead Kathleen out of the cabin. He paused as they closed the door behind them, "Is this- This doesn't have to do with the nightmare. Right? Because whatever happened, I'll help you get past it," he wonders if his question was stepping over the line. He saw her face change into a frown and regretted not being about to undo what he had said.
"No," she said lifting her chin. "This is something I've been thinking about for a while now."
Kathleen wasn't sure if it was a lie or not. The nightmare brought up too many thoughts in her mind, it was as if they were talking over each other. Yet, the idea of helping in the kitchen had all on her own, or at least, that was what Kathleen was telling herself.
Still, she knew this was a chance to prove to the others, and herself, that she could be of use to the ship. She hadn't offered anything to the Dawn Treader before, but now she was certain she could help. Something Edmund said earlier made her think. Just because she wasn't at her family's bakery, doesn't mean she forgot how to cook. Maybe she could give the crew in the kitchen another eye on how to feed the sailors and still lengthen their ration.
Maybe, just maybe, she could prove that she wasn't just a reader in a magical world. That she wasn't a hideous burden or mistake in Narnia, and this was her place to start.
