Budget Cuts

A/N: Nothing like some good old cultural differences to ease the manga pain. This is my first humour/crack fic so reviews would be appreciated! Cross-posted onto AO3. I hope you guys enjoy the fic!


Eren exited his cell in the dungeon and made for the kitchen earlier than most mornings. It was highly unlikely anyone would be eating already- on a Saturday morning, most troops basked in an extra hour of sleep before the day started. So, it was to Eren's complete surprise when he ran into Jean exiting the kitchen, a solid fifteen minutes before breakfast was even supposed to begin.

"Watch where you're going, douchebag," Jean barked, trying to regain his composure while holding, rather unsteadily, a silver lidded tray in his hands.

Eren let out a low whistle. "Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed today."

Jean rolled his eyes. "More like someone got up two hours earlier than usual. Now get out of the way before I run you over."

Eren's eyes narrowed in confusion, but allowed Jean to pass, mumbling something about not-being-cut-out-for-this-shit as he skirted around the corner in the direction of the mess hall.

Weird, Eren thought as he lolled behind his dishevelled rival, in the direction of a familiar aroma in the air. Tea. Rounding the corner and entering the mess hall, there was a kettle on the middle of the main table, where a singular figure sat, holding his hand over the mug like an umbrella. Meanwhile, Jean poured a second cup to the side, and placed it down on the table across from the Captain.

Suspiciously, Eren approached the scene before him, and took a seat across from Levi, who simply sipped his tea.

Eren looked down at his own tea that Jean had prepared with an uneasy stomach. "Captain? Why was Jean serving tea?"

Levi didn't even look up from his tea when he responded. "It's the latest kick in the ass from those dickless higher-ups in Sina. Budget cuts. There're no more cooks here on weekends, so members of the Survey Corps are going to be cooking every Saturday and Sunday. If I can recall from the schedule, you're on for supper today with your bratty friends."

Eren's interest piqued at the revelation. "Which bratty friends, sir?"

Levi sighed. "That little blond one. Arlert. And Ackerman. You cling to them all the time, so there shouldn't be a problem tonight."

Eren nodded. He wasn't expecting there to be a problem. In fact, he was excited. He hadn't cooked with Armin or Mikasa since the cadet corps, and even then, resources were slim. He'd seen in the kitchen in the castle before- it was always busy, with cooks rushing about making all sorts of dishes. He hadn't worked in a proper kitchen since prior to the fall of Wall Maria. Eren soon got lost in thought- this was a golden opportunity to cook Shiganshina style with his comrades.

"Oi, brat. Drink your tea or it'll get cold."

"You can have it, sir. I'm not going to drink it."

Levi arched a brow at his subordinate, but nevertheless, reached for the untouched mug that still had wisps of steam rising. "Why bother coming down if you aren't going to eat?"

Eren shrugged in discomfort, and he didn't miss the pang of hunger that shook his chest. "Well, to be honest, sir, I didn't know that Jean was cooking today."

Levi shook his head and scoffed. "You hate Kirstein that much?"

"Actually, it doesn't have anything to do with me hating him that much," Eren explained, looking over his shoulder to see if Jean had returned. When he saw the empty doorway, he continued. "It's just… everyone in the 104th knows that Jean can't cook for shit."

Levi rolled his eyes and brought Eren's mug to his lips. "It's pretty difficult to fuck up toast, Eren."

"Actually, sir, you'd be surprised. Once, we had to evacuate the hall because Jean and Sasha set some toast on fire-"

Eren was interrupted by Levi spitting out the tea in a flurry of hacks, coughs and sputters. Eren nearly jumped out of his seat- was Levi choking? and knocked over his stool in the frantic process. Levi was still heaving across the table, and at that very moment, Jean entered the mess hall carrying a small bowl of jams, but dropped it onto the cobblestone floor with a clatter when he froze, stunned at the sight before him.

"Captain Levi!" Eren yelped, considering jumping across the table to help but thinking of Levi's disgust at that action just in time. "Are you alright?"

Levi was searching around the table frantically, and made a grab for the kettle he had poured tea from his first mug with. In the old, empty mug, he refilled it with scalding water, and downed it faster than Eren had seen Oulo drink his alcohol. He didn't even bother to hold it like usual, just cupping the scorching thing in both hands. Shaking his head, a moment later, he gasped, "Kirstein. What the fuck was that tea?"

Eren's eyes turned from concerned to curious as they trailed off the Captain and towards Jean, who's legs were now shaking like a newborn kitten. "Captain," Jean rasped, "That… that was Eren's tea."

"Do you think I care about whose tea it was, shit stain? I want to know why it was spiked with salt."

Eren's eyes widened as he realised that he had just dodged a bullet, and looked at his teacup daringly. Then, fury rose in place of relief as he noted how Jean was about to ruin his day before he even got the chance to eat breakfast.

Jean warily entered the mess hall, and approached his scowling Captain. "It was spiked with salt because it was Eren's tea, sir."

Levi took another swig of the piping hot liquid he had filled his old cup with. "I don't give two shits what you brats do to fuck with each other. But it's revolting to involve other people who are minding their own damn business with fully developed brains. Kirstein, you just wasted a meal's worth of salt. You can make up for it by volunteering in the kitchen for the rest of the day."

Jean paled. "Sir, today is my only day off this week."

"Perhaps you should have thought of that when you decided to waste salt and a perfectly fine cup of tea. Do the castle a favour, and try not to poison the food today."

Jean's face flushed, but he wordlessly left the mess hall to return to the kitchen, but not before setting the tray he was bringing into the mess hall down on the main table and picking up the two pieces of toast at the top, throwing them into the trash on the way out.

"I have to say, sir," Eren dared, "by putting Jean in the kitchen, it kind of feels like you're punishing me."

Levi leaned back in his chair. "Call it what you want, brat. If you drank your damn tea, we wouldn't be in this situation."


Eren left the dining hall for the rest of the morning with an empty stomach, and dreaded returning at eleven. Captain Levi had pinned up the new schedule on the door of the mess hall, and it rotated every month. There was his name, right under Mikasa and Armin's for supper.

Eren waited until one in the afternoon to enter the kitchen, decidedly not arriving a second earlier than it was scripted on the schedule. He was still starving from before, and hadn't eaten anything all day. He wasn't going to risk it- not with Jean unsupervised in the kitchen.

Levi was waiting in the kitchen, along with the other three members of the 104th that had already arrived.

"It took you long enough, brat," his Captain addressed, and Eren gave a salute before rushing over to stand with his friends, as far away as possible from Jean. "Now. I trust the four of you won't burn the place down while you're cooking. You should be familiar with this- we need stew, bread, and two different vegetables. The numbers are written on the front of the handbook." Levi motioned to a thick, worn book teetering on the edge of the leaking sink. "We just brought in a shit ton of peas and corn from the latest supply run, so I suggest you use them. No snacking, and no putting random shit in the food." Levi narrowed his eyes at Jean when he said that part. "Go easy on the salt. And every pea you drop when you're podding, you'll run a lap to make up for after supper. Do you brats need me to write that down for you?"

Eren gave a triumphant, "No, sir!" while Jean echoed his words with less enthusiasm. Armin shook his head, blond locks ruffling, and Mikasa gazed at a particularly interesting floorboard instead of her superior. Looking the way his squad felt, Levi exited the kitchen with a scowl on his face.


"Four," Eren said, not taking his eyes off his collection of peas as he saw Jean reach, and fail, to catch an airborne pea from his peripheral vision.

"Shut up, Jaeger, or the next one is going up your ass."

Eren finished his current pod and looked up from his pile. "Really, Jean? I don't know if you'll be able to catch me after you run all those laps."

Jean looked about ready to bite off Eren's head, and Mikasa noticed the tension. Before anything bad could happen, she finished off the last of her peas in a hurry and added them to the bowl between Jean and Eren, grabbing hold of her adopted brother's shoulder while doing so.

"Eren," she spoke softly, moving his unpodded peas away. "Why don't you come help Armin and I start the stew?"

Jean nearly threw the peas to the floor out of frustration, but kept his voice reasonable when talking to Mikasa. "Who's going to help with the rest of these?"

Mikasa shrugged. "It's nothing you can't handle, I'm sure. Besides, the stew takes longer to cook than the vegetables, so by the time you get the corn ready, everything should be synchronized."

Eren stood up, abandoning his pile of peas for Jean to pod. "I'm game. Make sure you keep those off the floor, Horseface."

The peas in Jean's hands were expelled from the pod from the sheer force Jean's hand squeezed it with out of anger as Eren stalked away towards the large pot over the fire. Armin was standing in front of the counter, an arrangement of ingredients sprawled out before him. "I've got the bread rising," he announced. "Someone's got to help me peel all of these potatoes, though."

After the majority of potatoes had their skin removed, Eren's eyes wandered to the cupboards on the walls and glistened with curiosity. "What's in there?"

Armin shrugged, and Mikasa was finishing off the potatoes, so Eren took it upon himself to check. Not wanting to risk dirtying the counter by climbing it, Eren settled on using a stool that leant against the far wall to reach.

At eye level with the cupboards, Eren swung them open and observed the contents. Tens of little glass jars, all identical to each other, were lined up in an orderly fashion with labels printed on the sides.

"Herbs!" Eren exclaimed. "Herbs and spices!"

Armin immediately perked up at Eren's revelation, and joined him on the stool to analyze the items. "These are awesome!" the blond exclaimed, grabbing a nearly full jar of green powder. "Some of these I've never even heard of! I wonder why they don't use them all the time."

Eren grabbed a different jar, one full of red spice. "Mikasa, get over here. I recognise a bunch of these from Mom's kitchen."

Mikasa joined the Shiganshina boys, squeezing expertly onto the side of the stool. "Eren, check out all these types of peppers. I haven't eaten these in… in years."

The three were practically drooling at the cabinet's contents, and after a moment of analyzing it some more, Eren grabbed a jumble of jars and stepped off the stool. "I say we use these. They're all ones we used in Shiganshina."

Armin tried to open a jar, but after a few failed attempts, passed it off to Mikasa. "It seems like they rarely use them. The lids are sealed shut."

Eren laughed and opened the red-powdered container, measuring a few heaping scoops for the stew. "That's probably because they didn't know how to use them."

As Mikasa popped open the jar with her finger and thumb, Armin grinned. "This is a great opportunity to show everybody how we used to eat. This is a nice change from the cooks making the same thing all the time."

"It'll be just like eating at home," Mikasa drawled, lost in thought about Carla's supper meals that were to die for, simply put.

As Armin read off the handbook, Eren added each ingredient to the stew, along with the rest of the spices. Mikasa was correct with her timing schedule, because just as the bread finished in the oven, Jean dumped his peas and corn into a pot of boiling water, five minutes before supper was to begin.

"Before you ask," he scowled, "I didn't drop any."

After Mikasa ensured the fire was out, the meal was gathered together onto trays, and placed on carts to be wheeled out to the mess hall. Armin went first with his loaves of bread, followed by Jean with the vegetables, and Mikasa and Eren in the rear with the stew. The pair eyed the plethora of people ahead of them, and dreaded the task of washing the dishes later that night. If things didn't go well, they might find themselves like Jean- tasked with working on the next meal service until they get it right.

It was surprisingly busy, considering that breakfast hadn't seen much of the castle awake. But the rows of tables were almost all filled with members of the Survey Corps, complete with Levi's squad and the 104th at the middle table.

Eren proudly removed the lid of the stew from the pot, and steam filled the air of the mess hall with a pleasant aroma. "Dinner is served."

Table by table, the scouts filled their bowls, and collected their bread and vegetables. Jean eyed Eren as the titan shifter sat on the left side of the table, making him go for the right. The Shiganshina trio were side by side, and as supper began and the soldiers started eating, they were brought back to Eren's dining room table. It was a near replication of one of those nights Armin was invited to stay for a meal. Grisha would be talking distantly about his next trip in the field, or breakthrough in the basement, and the words would float in and out of the children's ears. Now, it was the chatter of the Survey Corps that filled the air, and it was the perfect medley of imagery that Eren dreamed his future to be like.

Until Eren's thoughts were rudely interrupted by the sound of disgust that spread exponentially, as soldiers and cadets alike coughed and spit out the stew they had taken a first bite of.

"Sweet hell!" Eld cried, reaching for his water.

"Spicy hell," Gunther replied, biting hard into his bread for relief.

Across from Eren, Ymir choked. "Walls. It feels like I just made out with Satan himself. Who let you ten feet near the kitchen, Eren? Who?"

Eren slammed his cup on the table, missing his coaster and causing water to slosh out from the rim. "What? Do you not like it, or something?"

"No!" Ymir spat, wiping her sleeve on her mouth. "This is literally the worst thing I've ever eaten in my entire fucking life!"

Eren's face fell, and he looked around the rest of the table for confirmation. Krista, who hadn't yet tried her stew, was pushing it gently away. Petra's face was contorted into an indistinguishable gesture, but it wasn't a good one. Levi looked about ready to murder someone, and Eren realised that his Captain's glare was set on Jean.

"Oi, Kirstein," he glowered. "What did I tell you about poisoning the fucking food?"

Jean threw his hands up. "I didn't make the stew! I did the vegetables! It was those three that fucked it up! Sir!"

Levi raised a brow at the three stunned faces that were now the centre of attention in the mess hall, with a hundred eyes boring into them from every direction. "Jaeger. Ackerman. Arlert. Who's responsible for the shit you call stew?"

Eren gulped. "All of us, sir. We all made it."

Levi sighed. "And why does it taste like titan vomit?"

Armin's eyes widened. "Excuse me, Captain? But the stew tastes normal."

Jean shoved his bowl across the table. "If your stew is so perfect, why don't you try some from one of our bowls?"

Eren scoffed. "And here I thought horses ate everything."

Jean only raised an eyebrow, and Eren jumped out of his seat. "You seriously think we sabotaged every single bowl of stew?"

Eren pushed his bowl across the table as well, passing it to Jean. "Why don't you try some untainted stew, then?

Jean smiled and took his spoon to the bowl, taking a regular sized bite of the stew Eren had been eating. For a moment, he chewed and looked satisfied, until his cheeks blossomed red and he spit the contents of his mouth out back into the bowl.

Eren frowned. "You're keeping that."

Armin took a bite from Jean's stew that was still sitting in front of them. "Jean, this is really good. You got all the potato, too."

Jean's mouth hung open, along with that of about half the Survey Corps.

"Wait, wait, wait," Connie said, standing up from his seat. "You guys are telling me that this is edible? What planet are you from?"

"This one," Armin replied, stirring Jean's stew and taking another bite. "Shiganshina, to be exact."

Reiner stared at Armin. "No offense, Armin, man, but your stew is so hot that I'm surprised it didn't evaporate off the spoon before it reached my mouth."

Armin shrugged. "We did use some different spices from the cabinet. It's an old variety that Eren's mom cooked with. My family made stuff like this, too. I'm surprised you guys have never come across it."

Connie sat back down. "It's not exactly like Shiganshina is a tourist destination. Um… especially now. Sorry."

Armin shrugged. "That's fine. We thought it would be neat to try something from Shiganshina the night we cooked. If you can't handle it... are you going to finish that bowl?"

Connie's face flushed redder than Jean's as he shook his head and pushed his bowl over to Armin, who took the second helping eagerly. Eren grinned and took the bowl Reiner had abandoned, while the chatter in the mess hall gradually returned. If the others didn't like the taste of Shiganshina, they would have to deal with it for tonight. If anything, this was a great meal that at least gave people the experience from the town on the edge of the walls that now stood dilapidated at the titans' mercy.

The rest of the meal went over well, and while most bowls of stew remained unfinished, one person was scouting the now empty tables for the leftover food while Eren, Armin, Mikasa and Jean collected the dishes.

"Sasha?" Armin asked, giving the girl a questionable stare as she collected bowl after bowl of lukewarm stew. "What are you doing?"

Sasha grinned at the trio. "Do y'all seriously think I'm letting this go to waste?" Sasha put her bowls down and wrapped her arms around the three stew cooks. "You guys are food whisperers. This was the greatest thing I've had since the deer I shot in the glabella nine years ago. I can't wait until you cook again. And all this extra? Are you kidding me? I'm in heaven. Oh…"

Sasha returned to her bowls, filling each one to the rim and finding another.

"Wow," Armin said, for lack of a better word. "I think she ate more than all of us combined."

"Me included," Jean said, plunking a row of cups onto the cleaning cart. "Except I didn't have any. You guys must have lost your sense of taste if you think that was remotely okay."

"Jean." A voice came from the doorway, and standing against the frame was a short, cloaked figure, sipping away at a cup of tea. "You took plenty of pride in your vegetables, or so I've heard."

Jean spun around to face the Captain, and struck his hands to his chest and spine. "Sir!"

Levi took another sip of tea. "Exactly how many peas did you drop?"

Before Jean could answer, Eren grinned like a maniac. "Four, Captain! It was four!"

Jean turned to deliver a glaring stare at his foe, and Levi waved the taller boy over. "Well then, that's four laps. Hurry, though. It's getting dark, and Hange let out a bear from captivity last night. I wouldn't stay out past sunset."

Jean's face fell. "Captain, I just ate."

Levi waved him out of the hall. "If you throw up, keep it off the path."

With a snarl at Eren, who still wore his smile like a badge of honour, Jean abandoned the cleanup and began to jog down the castle corridor.

"You three brats," Levi said, not quite finished with the group. "Interesting meal choice. But remember what I said about putting random shit in the food."

Mikasa frowned. "It wasn't random shit. It was a Shiganshina classic."

"It could come from the royal cookbook for all I care. But soldiers do have to eat. I'd file this under a cultural experiment, but next time, stick to the normal stuff. Meaning, no weird Shiganshina recipes, no weird Trost recipes, no last-minute cadet recipes. If a spice isn't green, don't even think about touching it."

Eren saluted. "Yes, sir!"

Levi waved the titan shifter off, eyeing the mess hall. "Clean up your mess. Make sure you get underneath the tables. Any vomit in the bathrooms is on you as well. Got it, brats?"

Three, yes sirs later, and Levi was gone without a trace. Eren, Armin and Mikasa stood still for a moment, dirty dishes in hand and eyeing the door where their Captain used to be.

"Say," Armin pondered, eyes becoming unfocused. "Did the Captain eat his stew?"

Eren's brow furrowed as he thought back to the mealtime. "I… can't remember him not eating it. But I wasn't watching him directly."

All three sets of eyes slowly drifted to the bowl in front of Levi's seat, just as Sasha waltzed towards it and peered at the contents. Frowning, she looked at the trio and shook her head before moving on to a full bowl.

Mikasa crossed her arms. "Well, I'll be. The midget has good taste."

Eren snorted. "I wonder where he grew up if he thinks that our food is good."

Feeling victorious, the group finished cleaning the mess hall and glanced out the windows, where a turbulent Jean stood doubled over next to a tree at the edge of the woods.

Sasha shook her head. "Yeesh. I know how that feels." And with that, the uneaten stew had disappeared with Sasha, and the pile of dishes didn't look half as intimidating as the trio thought they would be.