Have You Ever Wondered Which Hurt The Most Something And Wishing You Had Not, Or Saying Nothing And Wishing You Had?- Unknown
ONE WEEK LATER
Kurt was depressed. There was no denying it because everyone including himself knew it. His family had thought his behavior wouldn't get too much worse after that night but it did. Instead of wanting to have someone around and staying around Sam and Finn, he isolated himself in his bedroom and the only time he came out was to get water. Carol and Burt had tried to get him to eat breakfast and dinner with the rest of the family but he wouldn't budge, saying he wasn't hungry. Sam or Finn would knock on his door to check on him once in a while when their parents were at work but Kurt would just answer, not even opening the door and the boys quickly got the message that he wanted to be alone. Everyone knew that the isolation wasn't doing Kurt's mental health any good but then again, they didn't know what to do about it. Kurt was stubborn and once he had his mind set on being alone there wasn't anything you could do to change his mind.
He ignored all the phone calls and texts from all his friends because the one person he wanted to talk to wouldn't answer him. At first Kurt had tried calling and texting Sebastian in hopes that he would forgive him for saying what he said (and not saying what he didn't say) but Sebastian was also stubborn and didn't respond to him. That hurt, everything hurt. First he had lost his boyfriend, then his best friend and now he was pushing everyone else away because he was afraid that he would lose them too and he'd rather it be on his own accord.
He hadn't cried since the day after Sebastian left. The previous day he had but now he just felt numb. Trust him, he had wanted to cry but he kept the tears at bay. Crying wasn't going to be able to fix the mess that he was in. Crying wasn't going to undo the injuries that Blaine gave him or make Sebastian come back. It was useless and therefore he wasn't going to cry. Maybe he would eventually, maybe he would break down from the stress but for now he was as okay as he could be (which wasn't much).
He knew that everyone was worried about him. He knew that he should at least answer some of the messages from his friends, to assure them that he was okay. Or that he should try to get up and go to school knowing that he had a bunch of work in all of his classes waiting for him. Or that he should eat dinner with his family to make sure that they knew he was alright but he had no energy for that. It had been a week since his incidents with Blaine and Sebastian and instead of feeling better he felt worse. His body still ached, he still had to lug his foot around in a heavy air cast, the bruises were taking their sweet time healing, his stomach and hurt still hurt and his wrist wasn't healing. The physical pain was something he could deal with, what he couldn't deal with was the mental pain and the feeling of loss that was overcoming him. It was a weight on his body, holding him down and drawing him of all his energy to the point where he struggled to roll over to the other side of his bed.
And it was all his fault. Because maybe if he had just said that Blaine was right and had given him his phone and had promised him that he wouldn't hang out around any other boys so much then Blaine wouldn't have hit him and Kurt would still feel loved. But then he was pretty sure that what Blaine had done was considered abuse and that he was wrong. And then maybe if he could've just worded what he said to Sebastian differently and had not freaked out then Sebastian would still be around. But then he didn't know what love felt like therefore how he could truly know if Sebastian loved him or not. He probably just thought that he loved Kurt because they had been friends for such a long time. How could Sebastian love someone like him? He had ruined his relationship with Blaine and now he had ruined his relationship with Sebastian and was well on his way to ruining all his other relationships with everyone else. He guessed that's all he did now, ruined things and that's why it was better if he just accepted defeat. If he just kept himself holed up in his room, away from the people he loved so he wouldn't hurt them.
Sebastian was depressed. There was no denying it because as of right now he hadn't left his dorm room in a week and Nick and Jeff kept bugging him to at least get up and get coffee with them. They were the only ones that knew about Kurt. Sebastian had gone to his dorm room that day, crying and unfortunately his roommates had seen him. They had asked what was wrong and after having them swear not to tell anyone, Sebastian had told them how he had told Kurt he loved him and how Kurt didn't feel that way about him. He told them that Kurt and Blaine had broken up, leaving out the part where Blaine beat the shit out of him, and took it as the time to confess his feelings. The only thing was that the time he picked had been the wrong time. Or maybe there was never going to be a right time because Kurt was probably never going to feel the same way about him.
Nick had told him that Kurt was going through a rough time since he had just been attacked and that he was probably confused and upset and Jeff had offered to talk to Kurt for Sebastian but he had turned down the offer. He didn't want to hear from Kurt at the moment. He hurt too much. He was heartbroken and he knew that Kurt probably was too. And he knew that in a way he was being a horrible friend, being selfish by putting his feelings over Kurt's when Kurt was in an unstable state. He had been getting texts and calls from the New Directions asking him if he had spoken to Kurt because he wasn't talking to them and the Warblers also kept asking about him but Sebastian didn't know anything. It made him feel even more guilty to learn that Kurt was ignoring everyone especially when he heard from Rachel that Finn had told her that Kurt wouldn't come out of his room and had stopped going to school. He knew that he was to blame but he still couldn't bring himself to suck up his pride and call Kurt.
So instead he stayed in his room, saying that he was sick and doing all his work away from everyone else. Nick and Jeff hadn't bought his excuse one bit and told him that he wasn't helping himself or Kurt by isolating himself but seeing how miserable their friend was they agreed to cover for him. All Sebastian did was work and sleep. Nick and Jeff had brought him food but he didn't eat it. His friends tried to cheer him up, making jokes and telling him about their days but they gave up when they could tell that it wasn't working.
Sebastian didn't know what was going to make him feel better. Ultimately it would've been Kurt but that was out of the question. Not only had Kurt hurt him but Sebastian had hurt Kurt and he didn't even understand why Kurt kept calling and texting him. Why Kurt wasn't upset with him for being selfish and a bad friend. Kurt should hate him but he didn't. Instead he was leaving him voicemails begging for his forgiveness and texting him with apologies, like he had something to be sorry for.
Sebastian was the one who should be sorry and he was. He was sorry for being in love with Kurt and he was sorry for telling him that when he was going through stuff. He was sorry for not being good enough for him and he was sorry that he never would be. And he would apologize if he wasn't so stubborn and prideful. And then maybe they could've talked and taken things slowly to the point where Kurt would start feeling better to the point where he could make up his mind. He had said he wasn't sure how he felt about Sebastian so maybe they still had a chance of being together. But then again, Sebastian didn't want to take any chances of making anything worse so he didn't respond to Kurt. He locked himself away from everyone so he wouldn't hurt any of his other friends.
"There's a reason me and Sam called you all here today," Finn said, staring at the glee club in front of him. He had called them all over to his house because he needed to talk to them about Kurt. Him and Sam were extremely worried about their brother and he wanted to know if anyone had any ideas of what to do.
"Does it have anything to do with the fact that Lady Hummel basically fell off the face of the Earth?" Santana asked, looking at her nails. Finn could tell that she was worried though, even if she was still being a bitch. "Because I would love to go up there and drag him out of his room for you guys,"
"No there will be no dragging of anyone Santana," Sam told her and she scoffed. "We all need to be very gentle with him, he's vulnerable,"
"You're talking like he's a baby or something Sam," Quinn told him. "Kurt will be fine, he's tough and he just needs some time to recover,"
"Wait, no," Finn said, looking around confused, "How much do you guys know? About what happened last week,"
The group looked at each other, confused before Artie answered for them, "Only that he went missing but that he showed up late. Isn't that all that happened?"
"No," Sam and Finn said at the same time.
"Someone attacked him you guys." Sam informed the group. "Bad. He's pretty beat up."
"Yeah and he won't tell us who it was." Finn added. "And he said he broke up with Blaine but he won't tell any of us why and Blaine won't respond to any of my messages. And Sebastian got into a fight with Kurt and I don't think they're talking either. It's a mess," No one seemed to notice how uncomfortable Sam got when Finn mentioned Blaine.
"Wait slow down," Mercedes said, "Start with the attack,"
"Okay," Finn started, "So he showed up covered in blood and he was crying hysterically. We asked him what happened and he said that he broke up with Blaine but he didn't tell us why but he did say that he walked home because it wasn't that far and then he stopped talking and said he didn't want to talk about what happened."
"We let it go because it was obvious that he didn't need to talk about it at the moment but we're pretty sure that someone beat him up," Sam added. "He said that his body hurt so Carol checked him out and said that he probably had a concussion and that his wrist was sprained and that his ankle was dislocated. She snapped it back into place but he has to wear this huge boot on his foot."
The group just stared at the two boys with wide, surprised eyes. They knew that people didn't like Kurt because he was gay and they knew that he had been beaten up before but it had never been this bad before. And to think that he was just walking home, it was a shame.
"Oh my god," Brittany gasped, covering her face with her hands. Someone had hurt her dolphin and that was not okay with her.
"I'm going to beat their ass," Puck yelled, standing up from the couch.
"No Puck, you can't do that," Finn assured him. "We already offered to do that and he said he didn't want us to plus he won't tell anyone who did it,"
"You could start up an investigation, Finn," Rachel informed him. "I can get my dads in on it and everything. They have a whole team of lawyers. This can't go unpunished."
"I don't think that's something Kurt wants Rachel," Sam told her. "I think he just wants to forget about it but… ya know, it's hard for him to do,"
"Okay, well what happened with Sebastian?" Tina asked. "They're best friends and they've never fought before,"
"Sebastian's in love with Kurt and Kurt doesn't love him back," Sam admitted to the group.
"That's some bs," Puck yelled out again. "I've seen the way Princess looks at Seb and you can't tell me it's not love,"
"I know you guys but just think about it," Finn told them. "When Seb came over we specifically told him to be gentle and easy with Kurt and he did the exact opposite. Telling him that he loved him when Kurt had just gotten out of a relationship that none of us even liked or approved of and had just gotten beaten up was the wrong way to go about things. He could've just waited a little while longer for Kurt to recover and get his feelings together but he decided to do it at the wrong time,"
"We aren't mad at him and we know how frustrated he probably was since Blaine treated Kurt like shit all we're saying is that he could have picked a better time to talk about it," Sam said. "And now they're both upset and I think Kurt keeps trying to call him but Sebastian won't answer him and now Kurt's miserable,"
"We just don't know what to do you guys," Finn told the group. "We love Kurt and this past week has been the worst for him and he didn't even do anything wrong. But now he won't eat anything, won't talk to anyone and barely even comes out of his room."
"And when he does he looks like a ghost," Sam said. "We miss him and Burt and Carol are going to be leaving for DC tomorrow and we don't know if we're going to be able to handle making sure he's okay,"
"I just say give him however much time he needs," Mercedes shrugged. "I mean yes I miss him but he won't stay like this forever."
"Mercedes is right,'' Santana added on, "And Seb and Kurt are best friends, they aren't going to stay like this for the rest of their lives. It's obvious that they need each other so they'll both eventually come around. Seb will answer Kurt's texts and Kurt will realize his feelings for him and bam, the problem is solved,"
"Princess is going to be fine," Puck said and the rest of the room nodded. "He's strong,"
"It's obvious that you guys don't know how bad this situation is," Sam said, shaking his head. "This is bad, you guys haven't been around or seen him,"
Everyone in the room besides Sam and Finn froze, staring at something behind them and the boys turned and saw Kurt standing there with a glass of water in his hand, staring at the group with wide eyes and it was obvious that he was startled to see everyone there.
"Hey bro," Finn greeted the boy, nervously. "You okay?" Kurt just stood there frozen, eyeing the group nervously.
"Hi Kurtie," Brittany beamed, getting up and hugging him while ignoring all the warning glances that her friends gave her. Kurt didn't flinch away or anything but he didn't hug back either.
"You wanna hang out with us Kurt?" Sam asked him. "We could watch a movie or play a game."
Everyone in the room nodded together enthusiastically and Rachel even scooted over some so that Kurt could sit next to her but their expressions changed when Kurt started shaking his head and had tears in his eyes. He looked so scared and they were starting to see why Finn and Sam were so worried. Kurt was so broken that he couldn't even trust his friends and that hurt them.
Before anyone could say anything Kurt turned and hurried out the door but instead of going back to his room he placed his glass down on the kitchen counter before grabbing his keys and shoes and walking out the door. It was raining outside again but Kurt didn't care. He got into his car and slammed the door shut before backing out of his driveway and driving down the street. He didn't know where he was going, only that he needed to get away from everyone and that being in his room wasn't enough.
He was crying. He had tried so hard not to but once again he was greeted with tears. And once again there was no control over his emotions. He wanted Sebastian, no he needed him and he couldn't have him. Because he messed up just like he always did. If only he knew how he felt. Then maybe he could figure out if he really loved his friend or not.
It wasn't like he hated Sebastian because he didn't. They were best friends and Kurt would never hate him no matter what. Had they had fights before? Yes. Had they always seen eye to eye? No. But did they let that get in the way of their friendship? Absolutely not. Except now they were and everything was messy. He was a mess. And to think that this could've all been avoided if he had just listened and done what Blaine said. Or if he would've listened to Sebastian and wouldn't have started dating him in the first place. He had ruined his own life.
He ended up driving to a nice, little park that he used to go to with his mom when he was little. She would take him there sometimes after school if he had had a particularly hard time with bullies that day. They would take a walk around the pond and feed the ducks that were there. Or they would go to the playground and his mom would push him on the swing or they would build a sandcastle together. Or they would just lay in the grass and would look at the clouds together. Oh to be young and have your mom with you. When your only problem was bullies and not abusive boyfriends and best friends that had feelings for you. Sure the bullies had hurt Kurt when he was a kid but he had no idea that he would grow up to deal with worse.
He parked his car and got out, still crying and the rain still pouring outside but he wasn't bothered by it. It felt good and refreshing. He slowly walked throughout the park. He was the only one there seeing that everyone else knew better than to be outside in the bad weather but that only made Kurt want to stay in the rain more. Away from everyone. No looks of pity or sounds of people talking about him. How much of a mess he was and how they were worried. He didn't mean to worry them but this is how he had chosen to cope. This is how he had always coped but he guessed that maybe he was going a little too far and that the coping was also a little bit of a punishment for him. For ruining everything so much.
He walked around for a little while, watching as the rain blurred his surroundings. Kurt loved the rain. Rainy days when he could curl up in bed with a book or a movie or driving in the rain and hearing the sound of the raindrops falling against his window. Sleeping while it was raining was the best. He didn't know why he liked it so much or what he liked best about it. The way it sounded or the way it looked. The way it made him feel when he was in the comfort of his own house while it poured outside, feeling warm and safe. Or the way it made him feel alive when he walked in it (although that wasn't the case right now). The way it made everything else look, how it washed out the scene and added a new element to it. He liked all of it. But now it was doing something else for him. It was making him feel something. He had been numb all week but right now, here he was feeling the cold rain fall onto his skin and crying and he wouldn't have been able to do that if he was still in his room. Sometimes he wondered whether it was better to feel your emotions or whether not to. Because sometimes when all you felt was pain and sadness then you didn't want to feel anything at all and you shut off your emotions not being able to feel any emotions at all. But then isn't it better to feel sad and miserable for a little while but at the end of it all you can still be happy.
He found a bench underneath a tree and sat down on it, having walked for about an hour. He pulled out his phone and saw that once again he had a hundred texts from his friends asking him where he had gone. This time he decided that he would answer one of them to let them know that he wasn't being beaten up again and texted Sam.
From Kurt
To Sam: i'm okay, i just needed to get out of the house, i promise i'll be back soon
From Sam
To Kurt: oh okay, good to now, just wanted to make sure you're okay, sorry if we freaked you out a little, see you when you get home
Kurt closed out his messages from Sam when he got his message and went to Sebastian's. He knew it was a waste of his time but then he had the slight hope that maybe he was over it and would at least talk to him.
From Kurt
To Sebastian: hi Seb, i know you're still mad at me but can we at least talk?
From Kurt
To Sebastian: please, i'm so sorry seb, just give me a chance, i miss you
From Kurt
To Sebastian: i need you, you're my best friend and i'm so sorry i ruined everything but i want to be your friend again
To Kurt
From Sebastian: i'm sorry
He sent the last text and seeing that Sebastian had read them and had chosen to ignore him, Kurt burst into more tears and put his phone away before pulling his knees up to his chest and hugging himself. Was this how it was going to be forever? Did Sebastian truly hate him now? How bad he had really messed up?
He cried some more before deciding that he should get back home before everyone started to worry about him again. They would already be shocked enough to see him drenched in rain again and he was getting tired. The rain had been a nice change but his room was better, safer. He got up off the bench and started walking back towards his car, taking in the sight of the rainy park once more.
He got in his car and turned on the heat, warming up his body a little before driving away from the park. He drove home with the radio on with the volume turned down low, not really paying any attention to the songs playing but needing some type of background noise besides the raindrops. He took his time getting home, even deciding to take the longer route home. He hoped that by the time he got back that everyone else would be gone so he could just slip upstairs and wouldn't have to worry about them. He felt bad for ignoring them and for making them worry about him but he just couldn't talk to them. He was sure that Finn and Sam had been filling them in on his behavior from the previous week and he didn't want to be asked any questions about who attacked him or what had happened with Sebastian. It was bad enough that it had constantly been on his mind ever since it had happened.
He arrived at his house and unfortunately everyone was still there. He parked in the driveway and got out of his car, the rain having stopped. Kurt was shivering, now thinking that it was a bad idea for him to have gone for a walk in the rain. There was nothing he could do about it now though except to go inside and change. So he went inside, opening the door as quietly as he could and snuck inside but unfortunately he had run into Finn who had seemed to be waiting for him to get home.
"Hey, whoa you're soaked," Finn exclaimed when he saw his brother. "You okay?"
Kurt was kind of getting tired of being asked that question. "I'm fine," He said back, a little too harshly. "It was raining outside,"
"Oh," Finn said, his face dropping a little at Kurt's tone, "Well if you're hungry, we ordered pizza. You can go change first and then you can come back down if you want. We were all going to watch a movie too,"
"No thank you," Kurt said, turning down the offer. He still needed to be alone. "I'm not hungry and I think I just need to go to school. I am going to school tomorrow," He added, surprising himself and Finn. He hadn't really thought about it yet, it just slipped out.
"Oh," Finn said. "Well that's good, I guess you do need some rest then. Well goodnight little bro. I would hug you but you're kind of wet,"
"That's okay Finn," Kurt assured him. "Goodnight,"
Finn went back into the kitchen, probably to inform everyone that Kurt was back home, safe while Kurt went upstairs to his room. He took off the wet clothes that he was wearing and put a dry pair of pajama pants and a sweatshirt on in their place. He was still cold and not having the energy to do his skincare routine (he hadn't done it in a week) or at least wash off his face, he got into his bed and laid his blanket on top of it, snuggling into its warmth. It was comforting, just like the rain had been and Kurt decided that he should start seeking comfort in the things he had like the rain and his bed then seeking comfort in people. It would always rain and he would always have his bed but he couldn't say the same about the people in his life.
So he fell asleep, listening to the rain, contemplating on whether someone truly needed to be loved in life or not. The saddest thing was that he came to the conclusion that they did. Sure he didn't know what the feeling felt like, if he had truly ever loved someone and if someone had ever truly loved him but he wanted to feel the feeling. To know what it felt like and if he felt that way about Sebastian. Love was so complicated.
So this was kind of rushed but I have a lot of other things to do so I did my best. I still like it though so I hope you do too. Kurt's feelings about the rain and love are the same way I feel about those topics so it was fun to write how I feel through him. It's still sad and next chapter Blaine comes back but I hope you guys still keep reading. I'd love to answer any question or hear any comments or feedback you guys have and I hope you have a great day/night :) Thanks for reading!
