How could I be married to The Necktie Killer? Was the only thought that continued to be running through Ciara's mind as she waited for their lunch to come out of the kitchen. It was the most unthinkable thing. Yet it wasn't. As Ben continued to talk nervously, she was still haunted by what she possibly was now very sure was a memory. The two of them, naked in the shower and her seeming to enjoy it. How was it possible? When did she get to the point in her life that she was comfortable enough with any guy let alone him of all people to do something like that? She couldn't get out of her mind how when Tripp tried to kiss her, she basically recoiled in uneasiness. But when her and Ben were making out in the car the only thing that stopped them from going further than that was noticing they were being watched by Xander.
Ciara looked at the ice cubes in her drink melt slowly. She studied Ben intently. She was trying to absorb everything about him, every mannerism. She noticed his laughs were nervous but very shy, and though he was older than her almost boyish or approaching an awkward teenager. Was he trying to give her a charade, a false impression of himself to believe or was this really him? His eyes were dark but very gentle and she saw them filled with genuine concern and fear for her, when she had her episode. She also saw them filled with grief when she first opened her eyes after surgery and didn't know who he was. The pain and devastation of them repeated themselves as she roared at him the next day in her hospital room. The words, "And take your junk with you." couldn't escape her no matter how hard she tried. It wasn't his junk. It was treasured memories and mementos of the life they built together before the explosion robbed their memories from her. Them. She looked down at her engagement ring, the ring that had special powers and made her put it on without his urging. It wasn't just a washer from her Dad's bike. It was a symbol of their love. She had one flash of memory. It definitely was a memory no more doubts there and it came randomly and out of the blue. Well maybe not completely out of the blue. She was still trying to make peace about what almost happened in the car. How could she go from being scared of him while in the hospital to trying to undo his belt buckle? It didn't make sense. She screamed like a mad woman after her hypnosis session going to absolute failure, she didn't want him touching her yet she felt very comfortable touching him; and there of all places. She brushed his inner thigh and she felt him go hard in one second flat. Was she accustomed to doing that? The thought completely frightened her but at the same time made her very intrigued. He spoke of making love for the first time. Did they really make love or was it forcible sex? Chase raped her. She couldn't bare Tripp's kisses without wanting to breakdown in tears and physically push him away from her. What made Ben different to the point she wanted him to have sex with her in broad daylight in the car? He was The Neck Tie Killer. She shouldn't trust him, want to be alone with him or have anything to do with him. Yet here she was married to him, letting herself kiss him and receive his kisses. Having his tongue in her mouth and hers in his and be revived with his passion. She felt like a wild woman when he kissed her neck. And felt her heart beating harder with ecstasy as he put his hand on her chest. It was pounding against his hand and she felt it move towards her left breast and caress it gently. No hesitation from her. She wanted it and enjoyed it. Unexplainable. He was The Neck Tie Killer, yet all she wanted to do now was neck tie Xander for stopping both of them from going further. Her mind couldn't remember Ben but her body sure seemed to.
Ben could see that Ciara was deep in thought and couldn't stop himself from holding his thoughts any further. "I'm sorry about the car. I don't know what came over me. It felt like old times. The way it used to be. I should have stopped and it is completely on me."
"So you regret our kiss and feel it was a mistake?" Ciara was shocked by his blunt words.
"Yes but not because I didn't want to kiss you but because I made you uncomfortable. You're trying very hard to make peace with being married to me and making sense of it. Believe me I am so grateful for that. It gives me hope you'll remember the last four years. However, I don't want to push you or be too forward that it pushes you away." He took a deep breath, "If we need to go slow then I'm Ok. Getting to know each other again. I just don't want to lose you completely. I can take you learning new things and changing opinions from then to now but I'm not sure I can handle having you out of my life after your journey."
Ciara contemplated then took his hand in hers. She felt she needed to do that for both of them. " We definitely need to talk about a lot. I guess honesty will need to play a huge part. I'm sorry for the last few weeks. For being so brutal to you. You deserved to be treated like a human being. You have feelings and there was no excuse for me to keep intentionally hurting you. You were, are just as confused as I am." She squeezed his hand and rubbed her thumb against the back of his. Suddenly Ciara was stricken with of being taken to a time that felt foreign yet familiar.
"Me. I'm real. Take my hand Ben."
She closed her eyes and concentrated on the moment hard. She would not let doubt overcome her. She wanted to capture the moment. She needed to capture the moment. Ciara could hear Ben talking but she forced herself to block him out. The vision needed to be analyzed. She was in a place unfamiliar to her. She was sitting up in a bed. Her leg was bandaged. Uneven pieces of wood surrounding it, with duct tape around it and it hurt. She was wearing a shirt she never saw before or remembered owning. It felt warm and comfortable. It had to be Ben's. She could see him looking frantic and confused and as they continued to hold each other's hand and caress them she could see him become calm and look sad and remorseful. His hand felt warm like it did now. They both looked younger than they were now. Where were they? Was it the cabin he had spoken to her about? Was it when they first met?
Ciara allowed herself to return to the present and noticed Ben looking dazed and seeming as if he too were coming out of a trance or deep moment of his own. His words would then astound her with shock.
"You were remembering our time in the cabin, weren't you? When we held hands for the first time like we're doing now? "
Ciara saw Ben's eyes full of hope and immediately pulled her hand away from his. What was going on with her were these actual memories of time past or was he manipulating her thoughts and mind to make her believe what he wanted to?
"I did it again didn't I? I pushed too hard. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm not helping you at all. I'm only making things worse.:." Ben felt he was on the verge of tears but forced himself not to give in. The best he could do was look away from her.
Ciara felt as if her mind was spinning out of control. She needed to do one thing to get final clarity. Not paying attention to Ben's state she got up from the table slowly and walked behind him. She paused took a deep breath and prepared herself mentally. After another minute she composed herself and slowly pulled down the back of Ben's tee shirt. Momentarily relieved that the tattoo she had seen was not on the left side of his back she was triumphant that her mind was playing tricks on her. But she knew she had postponed the inevitable. She had to examine the right side of his back. Without needing to see she already knew her answer. The tattoo definitely was there, yet she needed to see it and touch with her own eyes, her own finger tips. Her mouth recovered from her new found peace and a calm engulfed her. Ciara stroked the tattoo at first timidly then with an acceptance and mouthed, "Everything is real."
Ben pulled out of his shell of despair to hear her words, "What's real?" he inquired
"Your tattoo. Everything you've been saying. It's all real." She stroked the telling ink and walked back to her seat, "It isn't easy for me to say this but we agreed we need to be honest with each other and its time I be completely honest with you. Every time you tell me about a memory or how I feel about you, how we feel about each other my mind keeps telling me he's playing you, he's trying to con you. But another part of me doesn't believe that. Doesn't want to believe that."
Ben smiled triumphantly. "It's your heart." He deliberated with himself and then placed his right hand against her chest over her heart. With every beat he felt against his palm he laughed happily." Hello old, friend you remember me don't you."
Ciara instinctively raised her hand and placed it against his chest and with the feeling of his heartbeat at her left hand she smiled boldly as she had a flash of time where they were standing in a hall way doing the exact same thing smiling contently.
Ten Minutes Later
Ben and Ciara sat statuesque still as they continued sitting quietly looking at each other with their hands over each other's heart. As the moments passed Ciara found her mind unlocking different pieces like a puzzle that all she needed to do was put together.
Ciara saw herself as a voyeur staring at moments that were not foggy but very lucid. She was an audience to a time in her own life.
They were standing in a hallway facing each feeling slightly nervous but anxious at the same time. It was a vision yet it was real as could be. Ben was wearing a black leather jacket with a green tie dyed shirt and jeans. She was wearing a shirt tie dyed dress with white short jacket. Both of them with their hands over each other's hearts but she was holding her hand over his as it rest on her chest. She was seeing herself then all of a sudden she was in her body. She couldn't explain it to herself but she was actually there in the moment, the vision. As she stood there she could feel her own heart beating in her chest as well as Ben's beating through his shirt. She actually could feel the material of his shirt and his heart rhythm too. It was a rapid beat that slowly descended to more steady rhythm. Her own heart rate was accelerated as well but she liked feeling his hand on her chest, it was warm and it made her feel safe and protected. As her heart rate started to gradually decline she felt peaceful and calm and started to feel as if her heart was beating in sync with his. Beat by beat they were actually the same. Was it the connection that he spoke so often about? Were they so connected to each other that even their hearts beat in sync with one another? They were mesmerized with each other's gaze and then they both leaned in and began to kiss. It was a soft gentle kiss at first then she could feel his tongue in her mouth and feel hers in his and she liked it.
All of a sudden she felt both of their heart rates accelerating together at once and she felt the kisses more deeply and strong. She could feel they were both out of breath yet keeping each other alive with their ravenous expressions of desire and want for each other.
Their moment of unbreakable connection was broken, when they heard a voice.
"I hate to interrupt." Roman cleared his throat and then informed sternly yet feeling very awkward, "I'm a little backed up in the kitchen so your lunch is going to be late. "he looked straight at Ben, "Not that you would notice."
He then turned and walked away back towards the counter. Roman looked at the key for one of the rooms he rented sometimes above the Pub then stopped himself and said to himself, "Oh no. I don't want to know if she remembered him or not."
They both felt very embarrassed at Roman catching them yet had not removed their hands from each other's chest. Ciara was about to remove her hand but Ben stopped her.
"No leave it there where it belongs." Ben continued to stare into her eyes.
"Somehow I like having you hand there too." Ciara bit down on her lower lip. "Am I imagining things? Wanting to remember so bad that I can feel your heart and mine beating at the same pace at the same time?"
"Beat for beat together." Ben looked at her lovingly.
They both then leaned in and shared a tender kiss with each other and didn't care who saw them.
Ciara broke from their kiss slowly, "Why do I feel so confused? Little by little I get we're married and I'm not as afraid of you as I was before. I'm actually feeling comfortable with you like I can trust you."
"it feels so good to hear you say that, I don't want to push you Ciara, I just want to be there for you during this time. Take care of you like I always do when you need me." Ben licked his bottom lip.
"There is something I need to tell you and I don't know how to begin." She was looking for the right words to say, "I think. No I know. I'm positive now. I'm having what could be interpreted as possible memory flashes."
Ben's eyes grew wide, "Are...are you sure?" he started to stutter slightly, "What did you remember? Was it when you went into that trance? Our trance?"
"Slow down a bit. Yes and no. Before I had our trances, so to speak there was a first one. The one where I went limp and clammy." She started rubbing her fingers on the table cloth, "I…I…I saw you naked."
"Ok." He swallowed hard, "How naked?"
"Naked. Naked. As in everything." Ciara moved her eyes up and down subtly.
"And that scared you." Ben looked down, "I get it something like that would scare anyone…"
"Please be patient with me. We are married and yes I understand that sex is part of being married but I don't know, remember at what point I became comfortable with it. "she ran her fingers across his hand, "Enjoyed it."
Ben was pleasantly surprised. "You remember enjoying it?"
"I had visions of us in the shower and you kissing me passionately, in places I never thought people did and doing things with your mouth I never expected a guy would do. And I was enjoying it so much I was moaning like I was going to heaven. Or hell for where I was touching, stroking and rubbing you." Ciara felt her discomfort dissipate as she described to Ben.
He started to blink profusely and began to blush "Wow. Where were we?"
"In the shower." She noticed him looking bewildered, "What you look puzzled. Did that not never happen."
"It did. Numerous times that I can't count so it's really hard to pin point the exact time and what led up to the event." Ben saw the look of shock on Ciara's face, "I'm so, so, so sorry I forgot this is new to you."
"Apparently it's a yes and no. New remembering yet being a habit." Ciara shook her head back and forth, "Which goes back to what I'm questioning. When did I become comfortable like that? Not afraid to be naked in front of a guy without feeling bashful or embarrassed. I couldn't take the idea of Tripp kissing me yet I liked you doing way more."
Ben leaned back and chose his words carefully, "Getting close that way between us took time. I had to earn your trust first and I was Ok with that. I never expected you to open your life to me the way you did and every day after you declared your love for me I never took it for granted. I was, am the luckiest guy in the world."
Ciara sucked her bottom lip in feeling almost complimented, "How long did we you know date before we...you know got close that way."
"A good number of months definitely." He then rested his head in his hands for a second then continued, "Ciara, I never would have rushed you. Yes, I wanted to show you how I felt about you before then but I wanted you to be ready before you would be comfortable with me saying…with me telling you I love you. It wasn't just about love making only because it was just one way of me to express that to you that I love you. There is so much more than the physical for me. You are perfect to me. Every little thing you do. I love how you are out spoken and never hold back…."
As Ben continued to talk Ciara just nonchalantly said, "You told me before never to apologize for being who I am. We were standing outside of here, it was night. I was going to ride my bike. Then we talked and we kissed I feel for the first time and I dropped my helmet on the ground. We wrapped our arms around each other and kissed deeper and deeper…"
Ben felt as if he could hardly breath, "Ciara are you getting your memory back?"
"I'm not sure but I feel like I'm getting closer to remembering you. Remembering us." She smiled confidently.
