Okay, I'm only warning you now, this chapter is kinda weird in the respect that . . . it doesn't really have anything to do with the Walking Dead. I mean, yeah, it does in the same respect that it still takes place in the same universe and still has the same characters, but this takes place about a year or so after Ethan's birth and when Tessa and Sam were trying for a baby. The reason I've written this is 'cause I've been wanting to do this thing where now that Sam is in the picture, I kinda want to toy around with him and Tessa's past a little bit in my downtime in-between episodes or whatever. I think you guys will like it because you'll get a little bit of background information on what Tessa's life was like in-between her and Daryl and then in-between her and Daryl reuniting. Anyway, it skips around a little bit and it does contain a few feels (damn!) but overall, I think I get across her mind-set during this whole "chapter" of her life.

NanamiYatsumaki: Yeah, I loved writing it. I think Ethan might turn out to be a little bit of a comedian :)

TheShield'sGirl: And they are only going to get better!

HaloHunter89: You noticed that - yay! I needed a kid's name so I slapped down Halo and didn't realize it until I was editing it on here and I just decided to keep it. I don't normally do dedication chapters anymore but consider that a partial dedication :). And I TOLD you, you would like the whole speech, didn't I? I gotta warn you, though, this chapter also will probably make you pretty sad at some points, which is what I want: I want to show how bleak and colorless Tessa's life without Daryl was, as well as how badly her and Sam's marriage struggled along and I think I successfully accomplished that. And don't worry, Sam will see how good Daryl and Ethan work together and it might bring about something . . . ;)

DarylDixon'sLover: DarylDixon'sLover, meet HaloHunter89 ^^^. She is the unofficial head of the I Sam Hate Club - you might want to inquire about joining up ;)))

Enjoy!

- Nagiana


"And the lightnin' strikes
Another love grows cold
On a sleepless night
As the storm blows on
Out of control
Deep in her heart
The thunder rolls . . ."

- "The Thunder Rolls'" by Garth Brooks

Twelve-Years-Ago . . .

"Yes, mom, I'm on my way; I just have to finish getting dressed and then I have to get Ethan dressed too. I've been running a little late today for some reason . . ."

Tessa rolled her eyes at herself in the mirror as she adjusted the necklace hanging around her neck while simultaneously balancing her cellphone in-between her ear and her shoulder. "Yes, mother, I am hurrying! No, mom, I am not trying to skip out," She gave another exasperated roll of her eyes. "Look, mom, I gotta go. If I don't, then I'm never going to leave because I'm not going to be getting shit done because I'm going to be talking to you! Yeah, tell dad I love him."

She let out a sound of irritated after she briskly told Sadie Nightrun bye before cutting off her phone and placing it on the white countertop beside the sink. She continued gazing at herself in the mirror, putting a few last finishing touches on herself – straightening her clothes, adding one last spritz of perfume – when her hands ghosted over her barely there pregnancy bump through the soft cotton of her shirt. They immediately froze along with the rest of her body and her face immediately went expressionless in the mirror. She continued to gaze at herself before swallowing heavily. She felt herself get that way every time her hands ghosted over that spot and quite frankly, it was starting to worry her a little bit. She and Sam had been trying so hard for the last year to conceive a baby that didn't end in a miscarriage a week or two later and when they finally did, Sam had been overjoyed while Tessa had simply felt . . .

What had she felt?

Sadness? Anger? Happiness?

Guilt . . .?

Emptiness.

She had felt happy because finally, they had conceived the child they had been trying so hard to conceive, but as for the other emotions – the emotions she knew didn't belong inside her . . . Tessa knew they were there because of Daryl – or the memory of him, anyway. Daryl walked hand-in-hand with her depression and even though she knew she should let him go – to try not to cling to the memory of him for the sake of her new life, her new family, her new child . . . she just couldn't. It was almost as if she refused to let him go and refused to forget the memories that had been devoted solely to him.

"What about you? How many do you want again? Four?" She asked him, wiggling her eyebrows in a playful challenge, and instead of immediately hopping to meet it, Daryl simply smiled a small smile and moved a lock of her dark hair out of her face and behind one ear.

"I don' care how many we have, Tess, jus' as long as ya they momma . . ."

Tessa closed her eyes and sucked in a harsh breath as she bent down over the sink, trying hard to banish the tears that welled up in her eyes at the memory. Her hands gripped the countertop so hard her knuckles started turning white and her heart began pounding a painful beat in her chest. Her teeth gritted against the tears but she knew it was futile. Eventually, the sobs came and when they came, they came in an almost torrential waterfall. She didn't know what was wrong with her – why she couldn't abandon the memory of one man but she knew why. That man in question had been the first man she had ever loved and the first man she had helped bring back together after he had lived so long broken.

He was the first man who looked up at her with love and adoration shining in his eyes . . . the first man she had ever wanted to marry and have his children.

She felt angry at herself because she had allowed herself to walk away from Daryl in the first place., even though she knew Merle had been the driving force in the first place She felt sadness because the child inside her wasn't Daryl's – that he or she belonged to a man that she didn't really love but was giving birth to his child just so he would shut up about it. She felt guilt gnawing away at her soul because the child wasn't Daryl's and she had promised him that every child she would ever give birth to, would be his.

She felt empty . . . because the child inside her was not Daryl's.

"Mama . . .? Mama, ya in here?"

Ethan's small, still baby-like voice, came to her as he toddled down the hall to stand in front of the opened doorway to the bathroom. It was the one thing that caused her tears to immediately dry up and her heart to stop its brutal beat. She swallowed heavily and nodded as she quickly wiped away the tears from her eyes before glancing at him and moving to fix her make-up. "Y-yeah, baby, I'm right here – I'll be out in a minute." She told him and he nodded as he stood there for a minute longer, his stuffed elephant in his arms that always seemed to be there and when she glanced down at him, seeing that he had not once taken those beautiful Dixon blue eyes off of her, she furrowed her brows gently in confusion. "What is it, baby?" She asked him and Ethan gave her a small smile.

"I love ya, mama."

She immediately felt tears fill her eyes again and she stooped down, where she immediately took him in her arms, where she hugged him tightly. His stuffed elephant hit the floor as he wrapped his arms around her in a hug as well and she took a shuddering breath when they broke apart. She sniffed and cupped his face with her hands before she leaned forward and pressed a loving kiss to his forehead.

"I love you too, baby," She told him before giving a smile and a shake of her head. "You look so much like your father . . . I can't hardly believe it sometimes." She told him and Ethan gave her another small smile as she picked up his elephant and handed it to him. He took it as she smiled. "Now, take Mr. Heffalump and go on back in the living room and watch Pooh, okay? I'll be out in a minute, I promise."

"We gonna go see grandma, wight?" He asked her and she nodded and gave a little laugh as she patted him on the back and got to her feet.

"Yes, baby, we're going to go see grandma. Now go on and get – I'll only be a few more minutes." Ethan nodded as he turned around and ran back into the living room with his elephant. Tessa smiled and turned back to gaze at herself in the mirror. She put the finishing touches on her make-up and when she was sure there was no longer any evidence of her tears, she turned to leave. She felt a tendril of emptiness find a home in her heart, but she passed it by. She would live with it, just like she had to live with it every single day of her life here and for a moment, she felt another twinge of guilt but for a completely different reason. The baby she carried, was not going to be born in love - Hell, it hadn't even been conceived in love like Ethan had. The night Ethan had been conceived, had been passionate and heady because Tessa knew it was the last time she would ever be in Daryl's embrace and she wanted to make it count. But this baby . . . she baby she found herself pregnant with now . . . it would have none of that. It was conceived on a night where the sex had been routine and almost mechanical . . . the sex that she viewed a chore instead of the heart-racing anticipations that it had been with Daryl.

She was moving out of the bathroom when she felt it and the sensation immediately brought her back down into reality. It started out as a sharp, jabbing pain in her stomach that immediately had her furrowing her eyebrows in slight alarm. When the pain turned into severe cramps, however, she felt the air being sucked from her lungs as something akin to a fist, started squeezing them. She crumpled backwards to the floor in the bathroom, her hand flying to her stomach as she did so.

"No . . . no, no, no . . ." She murmured frantically while shaking her head and her hand immediately flew upwards to the countertop above her, where it began immediately and blindly searching for her cellphone. She quickly found it and as she felt the gush of blood and water between her legs that was accompanied by the stomach-twisting feeling of a contraction, she had the phone to her ear and was listening to it ring as somewhere outside, the sound of rolling thunder could be heard.

Eventually the other line picked up and she let out a breath of relieve, even as her vision narrowed. "Hey, Tess, everything okay?"

"Sam . . ."

"Mama . . .?"

Her heart picked up another frantic beating at Ethan's inquiring tone again growing nearer, but she couldn't do anything. Sam's name was all that she could say before she hit the floor, her world going black seconds later.

"MAMA!"

"Tess . . .? Tess, ya there . . .?"


Tessa slowly opened her eyes God only knew how much later, only to find that the entire world was bleary and filmy except for the flash of bright light that would pierce her eyes every few seconds or so. Loud voices slowly filled her ears as she slowly clawed her way to a hazy consciousness, and it took her a moment to realize that she was moving . . . fast.

"Sir, you have to back up -!"

"She's my wife and that's my baby she's losing! You don't understand – I need to be with her! She needs me!"

"She'll be fine sir, we just need you to back -!"

"Tess . . . Tess, look at me!"

The voice that reached her next was different from the others, yet also completely familiar and strangely comforting. Tessa slowly turned her eyes onto the man quickly jogging alongside her with the nurses and doctors, her eyes falling onto his dark brown hair and his beautiful blue eyes – the man that wasn't Sam and who wasn't currently having to be held back by three nurses.

"Daryl . . .?"

He nodded. "Ya gonna be fine, babydoll, okay? I'm here – I'll always be here!"

"Hurry, doctor – she's delirious!"

One of the nurse's frantic voices entered her mind and partly registered, but Tessa was too exhausted to try and understand things completely at that point. She simply shook her head as she felt her eyes grow heavy again. Her lower body continued to throb and when she glanced down, she saw the white sheets underneath her still stained with a garish blood red. "Daryl, you're not . . . you're not . . . real . . ." She murmured and she heard Daryl call her name a few more times before her vision went black again.

It wasn't long after that, before things went entirely silent again.


"Babydoll . . . babydoll, ya there . . .?"

Tessa swallowed as the voice reached her through the blackness clouding her mind, where it gently pulled her into consciousness. She winced at how dry her mouth and throat felt and immediately wished she could be handed a cup of water. She blearily opened her eyes, where she tried so desperately to bring the man sitting beside her, into focus. His long, dark brown hair, beautiful blue eyes . . . she had been seeing him all day through her intermittent bouts of pained consciousness, and now he was sitting beside her on the hospital bed she was currently lying in, cradling her in the same strong arms she thought would never cradle her again.

When she finally registered it was him, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "D-Daryl . . .?"

He gave a laugh and a nod. "Yeah, it's me, babydoll. Ya've been sayin' ma name all day - its 'bout time ya fully recognize me!" His eyebrows furrowed in concern as he pressed the back of his hand to her forehead. "And good Lord, ya burnin' up, too!" She shook her head, her voice taking on a firm tone.

"Daryl, you're not here." He nodded as a mournful look appearing in his eyes. His hand left her and moved to wrap around her waist, where he pulled her closer to him.

"I know . . . wish I was, though - wish I was more than anythin'! I'm . . . jus' ya mind givin' ya somethin' to soothe ya with, I guess . . ." He swallowed hard and pinned her with a firm look. "Ya gonna be okay, babydoll, I promise ya. Ya gonna hurt for a while but ya'll be fine. Ya got Ethan – ya gonna stay strong for him."

She shook her head, tears filling her eyes. "How bad was it . . .?"

"I won' lie to ya - there was a lotta blood . . ."

"How big was it?"

He smiled a small, sympathetic smile. "No bigger than a little matchbox." She shook her head then as tears appeared in her eyes.

"I'm sorry . . . I'm so sorry!"

"What for?"

"For the baby not being yours after I promised you repeatedly that every kid I ever got pregnant with, would be yours. I'm sorry I left Daryl, I'm sorry . . . I'm sorry for so many things that I can't take back and which are slowly killing me!" Daryl's eyes softened as he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. She didn't feel anything but why would she? He wasn't even there.

"Don' ya dare apologize for anythin', Tess! Ya gave me Ethan and ya know I'm proud of him! One is better than none." She shook her head.

"But you won't even know him because of me!" She told him but there was no answer that time. Daryl was gone and with him, every ounce of happiness she had felt since waking up and seeing him sitting beside her, holding her, conjured apparition or not.


"Tessa, with your infertility problems . . . and Sam's low sperm cell count . . . really no chance . . . I'm sorry . . ."

Dr. Chakwas' voice floated in and out of Tessa's range of comprehension as she sat there in one of the uncomfortable plastic armchairs in his office with him sitting across from her at his massive mahogany desk. Sam was sitting beside her too, numb as well with the news and the look that the good doctor passed between them, was a look of sympathy, however, Tessa hardly noticed that either. She hadn't noticed a lot since the miscarriage a couple of days ago.

"But . . . but she has Ethan! How can it be impossible for her to conceive if she's already had Ethan?" Sam spoke up with a shake of his head and Tessa felt herself tuning in to this new direction the conversation was headed. Dr. Chakwas' gave him a sympathetic look, as well as a weak shrug of his shoulders.

"I didn't say that it would be impossible for her to conceive – I said that it would be close to impossible for the two of you to conceive and then keep the baby. And even if you did have a normal cell count, the two of you still would not be able to conceive a child by normal means and expect it to keep," He gave her a slightly pointed, but by no means a disapproving gaze. "And Tessa had informed me earlier when the two of you first started wanting to try for a child, that her and Ethan's father had undergone absolutely no fertility treatments at all, prior to her conceiving naturally," He gave another weak shrug. "So, from a medical standpoint – and I haven't talked to him or treated him, so I don't know for sure - but Ethan's father just . . . was lucky enough to have the high cell count and motility needed to conceive a child naturally with her, while you, quite simply, do not."

At the look of slight disbelief that echoed on Sam's face, Tessa nodded and placed her hand at her mouth, starting to feel a little sick as another sharp cramp hit her stomach. Dr. Chakwas noticed and heaved a sigh as he directed his next words towards her. "I'd take it easy for a while, Tess, okay?" He told her and she gave a tiny nod as he shook his head. "No walking around for extended periods of time, no heavy lifting – no driving, especially!" He grimaced slightly. "This one was bad, Tess, I won't lie! It might take you a while to bounce back from this one, so don't be alarmed if all you want to do for the next few days is just sleep."

"And . . . and what about the delusions she had?" Sam asked him then, his voice lowering as he sat forward slightly, and the Doctor gave him a disapproving look.

"Her mind found itself under an extreme amount of stress and shock, Sam. Her body had lost a lot of blood, as well as the baby. Her mind did that so that she could better cope in the long-run. Quite frankly, I would be worried if her mind hadn't been trying to protect her in that way." He gave a shrug. "Now, as to what she had been seeing -"

"Daryl. I had been seeing Daryl . . ." She interrupted him with a hard swallow and when the Doctor's eyebrows furrowed gently in confusion, especially at the breath of irritation that came out of Sam's mouth, Tessa hurried to explain. "Daryl is Ethan's father, Doctor Chakwas. I had been seeing him." He nodded slowly.

"My guess is that he was comforting you, right?" He asked and she nodded. He pursed his lips as he flitted his eyes back and forth between the two of them.

"Like I said, Tessa's body has been put through a remarkable amount of stress, shock and blood loss. Her mind conjuring up Ethan's father was her body's way of both coping and getting through something so traumatic like this in one piece – by conjuring up the one thing it knew would soothe her. The mind is remarkable in that way – similar to how abuse victims can simply wake up one day and find that they have forgot everything until something triggers the memories to come back." He gave her a look. "If they persist, though, you need to call me so that we can do some further tests, okay?" She nodded and he smiled sympathetically as the two of them got to their feet. "I am so sorry for your loss. I know how much the both of you were wanting this." He told them and while Sam thanked him as he shook his head, Tessa simply nodded.

They left the doctor's office moments later, Sam shoving his hands down into the front pockets of his jeans as Tessa crossed her arms tightly in front of her chest, they made their quick way to the truck. It hurt every time she made the slightest movement - especially walking - but she didn't tell Sam how much, even though she knew he had a pretty good idea. So instead, she stayed silent as they got in the truck and as he started the engine. They sat there for a while before Tessa took a shuddering breath.

"I think we need to give up." She told him and he glanced at her.

"What do you mean?" She gave a snort of sarcasm.

"You know what I mean." She told him as she shook her head. "Because I can't handle this pain anymore, Sam. I just can't, I'm sorry."

He nodded, a tone of bitterness descending into his voice when he answered her. "Yeah, me neither, so don't feel bad. And besides," He gave an indifferent shrug then. "It'll just be one more thing that I won't be able to compare to with him, will it?"

Tessa sent him a sharp look, finding that she didn't like the condescension in his tone before muttering: "You were never able to compare to him, Sam."