When he finally returned to Kamui's side, it was to find he'd sat up partially. His frame was hunched over and he was breathing heavily and his arms were shaking, but he was moving all the same, forcing himself through the pain. His eyes were wide with terror and Subaru's heart stopped for a moment, fearing for a moment that Kamui's mind was more damaged than he'd thought.
But as Kamui continued to struggle, Subaru's instincts finally kicked in and he rushed over to gently but firmly push him onto his back with the exclamation, "What are you doing?"
Kamui immediately relaxed now that Subaru was in directly in his view and he went down without a fight, though he clutched at Subaru's sleeve tightly. "You were gone too long," Kamui stuttered. He was freezing. "I thought…"
"I was gone only a few minutes," Subaru replied in a calmer tone of voice. "And I found what we need, so please don't move any more than you need to."
"But you were—"
"It was just a few minutes," he repeated gently. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here." He squeezed his icy hand reassuringly and Kamui finally closed his eyes and gave a tight nod. Oh, this was difficult to witness. Kamui shouldn't want him anywhere near him, not after he'd failed him so abysmally. And he knew that, deep down, Kamui probably was angry with him, but right now Subaru was all he had. He wasn't quite sure what to make of that.
"I'm going to have to undo these bandages and reapply them, all right?" he said, forcing himself to set those worries aside for another time. He'd have a lot of it, after all. He'd need something to preoccupy himself with during long, silent nights.
He tried not to think of how many he had ahead of him.
Kamui gave a shaky nod. "Okay…"
As he removed the bandages, he couldn't help the wince at the injury in question. It was better-better than it would be on anyone else-but it was still a far cry from being fully healed. Blood immediately gushed forth, streamed down his ashen skin, and that wasn't promising. What if he was too late? Even if he was the Kamui, he wasn't immortal. This should have killed him, he thought in utter bewilderment.
But Kamui wasn't dead and Subaru was hoping to keep him that way. Desperately, he wracked his brain for any useful first aid he'd learned. It had been ages since he'd taken a course. He remembered he wasn't supposed to remove the object that caused the wound; it was best to keep it in to staunch the blood flow.
Of course, it was too late for that; the other Kamui had speared him and removed the sword immediately. Hastily, he inspected the wound closer, pressing his fingers about with care. It didn't appear to be a sucking chest wound, which was no small relief. There also didn't appear to be anything caught in the wound, so he probably didn't have to dig around or clean it much. If Subaru was correct, he simply had to stop the bleeding.
Feeling a little more assured, he took out the bandages and began wrapping them about Kamui's torso with care.
After he'd gotten them about him snugly he let out a sigh of relief. These would be far more effective than his torn up coat had been. Already Kamui appeared to have a touch more color to his cheeks.
His mental state was another matter entirely, however.
Probably the most immediate concern was Kamui going into shock, though. Still, if he was lifting himself off the ground he had probably moved past that stage. Subaru hoped that's what it meant.
Unwilling to risk it, he moved back to his side and wrapped his arms about him. Kamui didn't seem to notice judging by how utterly still he was and the dead look in his eyes.
"How bad is it?" he finally whispered. He was staring blankly up at the cave walls. He had a hand pushed to his chest as he breathed shakily. He was clearly in a great deal of pain even now. Subaru wished he had painkiller but all the options in the bag the other Kamui had given him doubled as blood thinners, which was the last thing he needed right now.
More than anything, he wished he wasn't the one who had to tell Kamui the truth, but there would be no ignoring current events.
"It's devastated," he replied honestly. "Everything is collapsed."
"And… what about everyone?"
He knew he meant his fellow Dragons of Heaven. "I didn't see them."
Kamui's eyes fluttered closed, his face the very picture of agony. "Subaru…"
"Yes?"
"I want to see."
"I don't think that's wise," Subaru responded evenly. "You're still injured."
Kamui pushed him away. "I want to see. I'm going with or without you."
Apparently, Kamui was telling the truth because he pushed himself up, wincing as he went, but forced himself to continue regardless.
Heaving a silent, weary sigh, Subaru hooked his arms under his and gently pulled him up. Kamui let out a surprised grunt. "I'll carry you." Subaru didn't wait for acquiescence—he doubted he'd be given any—and ducked to get an arm around Kamui's knees and back.
He instinctively wrapped his arms about Subaru's neck, his breathing heavy from all the jostling. Subaru let him catch his breath and when he gave a slight nod he reluctantly took him above ground.
The roar of the ocean behind them provided no distraction from the empty environment before them. The horror in Kamui's eyes as he took the desolation in was difficult to witness. Subaru forced himself to watch; he would not cower from this.
"This is… all that's left?"
"Of the city, at any rate," he affirmed.
"What about the rest of Japan?"
"I don't know." Subaru had been trying not to think about that or about Kyoto more specifically. What had become of his grandmother?
She would be … devastated at what I've become. The hollowness in his heart felt larger than ever. Perhaps it would be kinder for the Dragons of Earth to end her life before she discovered the truth. He'd done nothing but worry her for nine years, and now he was the very thing she hated most.
He closed his eyes tightly, not to escape the reality of Tokyo, but to reorient himself away from those thoughts.
"We have to find out."
Subaru glanced down at him. His lips trembled and there were tears at the corner of his eyes, but the way he clenched his fists told Subaru everything he needed to know.
Kamui was taking full responsibility for this disaster. He would never move on from this.
"Tell me where you want to go." It was barely above a whisper, but Kamui heard him loud and clear.
He finally turned his head to look at him and it hurt. He seemed so lost as he searched Subaru's eyes, now featuring heterochromia. He lifted a hand to the cup his cheek, rubbed his thumb under his eye in silent question, but said nothing as he moved to trace the brown eye in question. Seishirou's eye.
"You're staying," Kamui murmured as he moved his attention to Subaru's own green eye. He looked as if he very much wanted to say something, but was restraining himself. He pulled carefully at his grown-out bangs in an almost hypnotic fashion. Subaru knew his change in appearance must be startling, but Kamui had always kept his peace around Subaru. He didn't deserve it, but he appreciated it.
"Yes."
"Why?"
"You keep asking me that," Subaru replied, a touch of melancholy in his inflection.
"I am." He stared at him, almost challengingly.
Subaru looked away. "It's the right thing to do." Perhaps it was a little late to be doing the right thing, but Subaru had never shirked his duty. Not when it really counted. He'd honored his duty to his grandmother, to Tokyo, and to Seishirou-san even if it didn't make sense to anyone but himself.
Kamui withdrew his touch and some starved part of Subaru wished he'd press his hand back to his cheek and never remove it if only so there was some indication he was even still alive.
"I want to see Kotori," Kamui decided. His eyes still seemed horribly empty, but there was at least some desire still present.
It wasn't what he'd expected him to say, though. He nearly asked him if he was quite sure about that; nearly pointed out she wasn't there.
The hardened, challenging look in his eyes stopped him. Kamui wasn't insane; he was going to the one place where he knew what to anticipate. He'd had time to accept Kotori's fate. He hadn't yet had that for the rest of the Dragons of Heaven.
"All right."
"It's that way," Kamui pointed. "I can tell."
Subaru didn't argue, didn't say anything at all, merely took off in the direction Kamui indicated and privately prayed that the other Kamui wouldn't interrupt their journey. He'd need to tell Kamui about him at some point, but he suspected some part of Kamui already knew. He hadn't said a thing about his twin star, but there was a bond there, unholy though it may be.
Privately, he wondered what this new Earth under the other Kamui would even be like.
"Stop," Kamui commanded suddenly. "We're here."
CLAMP Academy was surprisingly intact with only the nearby buildings largely demolished. Subaru supposed that was due to how much natural flora there was and just how much power the campus truly contained. Even amidst this much disaster parts of it still stood; Subaru could just make out the gazebo he and Kamui used to study under.
It was a fitting location for the first person to fall to this tragic fate. Kotori had been buried beneath the trees, surrounded by life. It was what the Dragons of Earth had hoped to preserve.
Idly, he supposed this would be a good location to find shelter if it weren't for the memories that haunted the place. He wasn't sure he could suggest it to Kamui, not now, possibly not ever.
He carefully set Kamui down. There was a little more vigor to his movements—a truly miraculous recovery if Subaru were prone to thinking that way—and while he clutched at his side and stumbled slightly, he needed no further help.
"Kotori…" he breathed as he sank to his knees. Subaru maintained a respectful distance. This was Kamui's private pain. He barely had any business being here to begin with. Even so, it was hard to witness the utter devastation in Kamui's frame, in the world around them. Difficult to accept there was nothing he could do to rectify any of it.
"I failed!" Kamui wailed, loudly and without preamble as he slammed his fist into the firm soil beneath them. "The world you loved is gone and Fuuma is…" With a broken sob he brought his forehead to the earth, prostrating himself before her memory as if she were a god that could forgive him his sins. "Kotori, please…"
But there was no response and Kamui's pain would not be eased and there was no forgiveness in this world, at least none that Subaru had ever found.
Even so, he closed his eyes and offered up a silent norito asking for strength and good fortune. Perhaps it would help Kamui even if it was the subtlest form of aid, even if good fortune had never been much inclined to help the fallen savior.
When Kamui finally rose to his knees, hands still clutching at the earth, he whispered, "Subaru?"
"Yes?"
"Sit with me."
His voice warbled slightly and his thin frame was taut with tension. Subaru wondered how close he was to snapping.
He sat next to him, quietly, respectfully. He was surprised when Kamui gripped his hand. He didn't look at him, but he clung to his hand as if it were his only lifeline. It reminded him of the way Kamui had clutched to him in his dreamscape when they'd first met. It was an unwelcome association because it meant Kamui was placing his hopes on him still even when Subaru was no longer capable of offering much of anything. He certainly couldn't save anyone.
He gripped Kamui's hand all the same.
They sat there for a time, looking up at the oak that Kotori was buried beneath. The sun filtered through the leaves and it would have been beautiful if it had been any other day.
"I know they're gone," Kamui finally whispered. "I don't know how, but I can feel it. Coming here… It's like it confirmed it somehow."
Subaru looked down at their joined hands. "What will you do?"
Kamui opened his mouth, closed it, and bit his lip. He was still so terribly pale. They would need to find provisions.
"We don't know that all humans were k- … are gone," he adjusted. He rubbed at his eyes, wiping away any remainder of tears. Subaru gently stroked his hand, feeling the thick scar there and remained silent. "There might be survivors. It's my duty to find them." He said it without hope, only acceptance.
"I see."
It is my job, Hokuto-chan.
If only it were as innocuous as all that. The weight on Kamui's shoulders was too great; he'd always felt that way. And even now, with the world decimated, he was still trying to do his duty.
Perhaps the Kamui's job would never be finished.
He wanted to ask what he would do if there wasn't anyone left, but part of him knew he wouldn't like the answer. This was all Kamui had left to cling to; he couldn't tamper with that hope, no matter how misguided it might be.
No one could ever truly understand another's wish. If this was Kamui's, then he would accept it.
But there was a sliver of doubt within him that he shoved aside. This couldn't be Kamui's wish. He had never realized his true wish according to the other Kamui and as malicious as the man had been, he'd always been brutally honest in that one regard.
Kamui stood and Subaru followed. He had yet to let go of his hand.
Was there any point in Kamui sorting out what it was now?
Is there any point to any of it? he wondered glumly as he looked up at the fluffy cumulonimbus clouds above them.
"Subaru, I want to look for people, but I don't know where to start." He said it like a question, as if he were double checking whether Subaru was really coming with him. Even with his eyes red and swollen from crying, even with the entire world crushed about them, he still had time to wonder if Subaru was there. If Subaru would stay.
"Let's try Kyoto," Subaru finally said with some reluctance. "There are several natural landmarks there and… I need to check some things."
Kamui nodded without hesitation. He didn't look happy, but some of the tension had left his shoulders. Subaru had said the right thing.
"Then let's go to Kyoto."
Author's Notes: A norito is a Shinto prayer. I believe they're also the basis for a lot of Subaru's talismans and chants as well? I'll have to look into that a bit more, but it seemed fitting at any rate. ^^ Let me know what you think!
