Author's Notes: Warning for some descriptions of death and carnage.
Getting to Kyoto was easier said than done considering the distance. Normally, it was a few hours at most thanks to public transportation. Of course, that was no longer an option and Subaru was left trying to puzzle out if they were really prepared to travel on foot and set up camp along the way for the journey would be several days minimum, there was no getting around that.
Kamui didn't speak of any trepidation, but he also didn't argue when he suggested they look for supplies. He'd been remarkably receptive to everything Subaru had to say and had skirted around any serious subjects since his devastation at Kotori's grave.
Luckily, they'd found a rundown shop in Tokyo that was miraculously standing, more or less. If Subaru had to hazard a guess, he would assume it had been a locally owned grocery store. It wasn't particularly large, but it had the bare necessities one needed for day-to-day living. The western wall and been entirely smashed, and while merchandise was strewn all over, it was simple enough to pick through it until they found what they'd needed, which was food with a long shelf life.
By far the hardest part of the entire affair was moving around the crushed corpses strewn about the city. They'd managed to avoid most of that when they'd made their way to CLAMP campus on account of how swiftly Subaru had been traveling. He hadn't allowed them to rest for long in any one spot; he'd been eager to get Kamui to his destination as much as he'd wanted the task finished. Now, they had to actually investigate the city and it wasn't pretty.
Subaru had had to drag Kamui away from the remains of what was probably a young girl, clutching a teddy bear. Her leg had had been severed and she was missing an eye. She stared up the sky in silent, eternal shock. He didn't want to think of how awful her final moments must have been and he really didn't want Kamui thinking about it either.
Even so, he couldn't shield Kamui from everything. Even within the shop there was the corpse of a middle-aged man slumped over the cashier's desk, blood trickling down his limp arm. The till was still open. It was alarming how many spirits Subaru could sense throughout Tokyo. He would never be able to put them all to rest, not in his lifetime. He didn't mention this concern to Kamui whose mental state seemed fragile at best.
"What have you found so far?" Subaru asked, not because he didn't know, but as a diversionary tactic. Kamui kept glancing at the man with wide, disbelieving eyes, as if he might suddenly stand up and demand to know what they were doing stealing his wares. Subaru could have told him that he could sense the man's spirit had departed, that he no longer cared what happened with his shop, but he wasn't sure if that would help or simply remind Kamui the man was decisively dead.
"Um…" Kamui glanced down at the canvas backpack he was filling. He seemed confused at the question.
"The supplies, Kamui," Subaru reminded softly. "We need them to get to Kyoto."
"Right." Kamui shook his head slightly and returned to picking up as many water bottles as he could find. "Food and water are the main thing, right?"
"That's right. If we could find some sleeping bags that would be ideal. We'll need to try the store across the … street." It was a little misleading to call it a "street" on account of how much debris was strewn across it, but he really wasn't sure what else suited.
"Okay…"
Subaru moved over from where he'd been filling his own bag to crouch next to Kamui who had gone very still. He rested a hand on his shoulder carefully. "Still with me?"
Kamui gave a hard nod. "It just… It hurts. How are you managing all of this?"
Subaru let out a quiet sigh as he thought over the question. "I'm not sure I am," he admitted at last. "I've simply adjusted. 'My world' and 'the world' haven't been the same thing for a while."
"Because of Seishirou?" Kamui asked quietly.
"Yes," Subaru acknowledged. "Because of Seishirou-san."
"Then you're not… upset," Kamui said dully. "Is that what you mean?"
Subaru resumed filling his bag as he thought over the question. Everything had happened so fast: finding Seishirou-san, killing Seishirou-san, leaving the Dragons of Heaven, joining the Dragons of Earth, the destruction of the Earth… He couldn't say it didn't leave him distressed to some degree, but there was also a large part of him that simply didn't care. Whether the world was intact or not did nothing to restore his sister or confirm whether Seishirou-san's last words held any truth.
"I'm not happy about it," Subaru settled on. "It brings me no joy to see people suffer like this." But it didn't upset him in the way it would have when he was sixteen. He would have mourned back then, would no doubt have crumbled under the suffering of all those people. He would have handled it far worse than Kamui.
Kamui was staring at him as if he were a puzzle he couldn't quite sort. There was something soft and almost fearful in his gaze and Subaru didn't know what to make of that. He wasn't doing anything to make Kamui afraid. Perhaps it was simply their environment. He continued in his movements, smooth and assured.
"Subaru, you've been different," Kamui finally said softly, earnestly. "What happened?"
He stilled. There was only one answer to that question.
Seishirou-san died.
But Kamui already knew that, already knew he wished he'd died on that bridge with him that day. He meant what had happened after. "Several things," he stated. "I'd rather not discuss it."
He didn't ask what Kamui meant by "different." No doubt he wondered about Subaru's eye, his change in hairstyle and clothes, and his inability to behave like a normal human in the face of tragedy. If Subaru were in his place, he'd wonder at that as well.
They returned to collecting supplies in silence, but he didn't miss the concerned frown on Kamui's lips or the way he kept glancing at Subaru, as if he were a stranger.
It took a relatively brief amount of time to traverse the other store despite how rundown it was. They were eventually able to find some sleeping bags and Subaru deemed they were about as ready as they could be.
As he tied their bed-rolls to their backpacks with expert knots, Kamui asked, "What happened to the sacred sword?"
It was as if everything went into slow motion as Subaru was torn back to that too-recent scene where the other Kamui had raised his sword and plunged it straight through Kamui's heart, a manic grin on his face. He hadn't even thought of Kamui's sacred sword when he'd grabbed what he'd thought was his corpse. He hadn't been thinking of much of anything at the time outside of how unfair it was for Kamui to be left there like so much garbage.
"I must have left it," he said, feeling strangely off-kilter. It wasn't like him to forget something so overtly important.
"You mean it's still back... there?"
"Do you want me to fetch it for you?" Subaru was a little hesitant to return to that spot. Surely, the other Kamui would have taken the other sacred sword. At the very least, he was certain that spot counted as his "territory." It might be difficult traversing the location.
"Don't you think we should?" Kamui asked slowly. "It could be useful for something. For defense at the very least."
That was terribly practical of him. Subaru finally gave a reluctant nod. "It should only take me a short amount of time. I'll be back soon."
Kamui unconsciously clutched at his chest with a pained expression. "You don't want me to come with." It wasn't a question.
There was no point lying to him about the matter. "It could be dangerous there. I know it's not ideal; you're the rightful owner-"
"That's not the problem," Kamui stated gruffly. "I don't mind if you touch the sword. It's only..." He stared up at Subaru with such terrible uncertainty in his eyes that Subaru's heart ached for a brief moment.
"I will come back," Subaru promised. "I wouldn't leave you here. I'm the one who wanted to go to Kyoto in the first place, remember?"
He continued to search his eyes, looking for something. Whatever it was, he seemed to find it for he gave a slight nod. "I'll finish with the supplies here then. Hurry back," he finished quietly, sounding much fragiler than Subaru would have liked.
Thankfully, the sword was precisely where he'd thought it would be more or less. It was lying amid the ruined city, glinting in the sunlight, standing resolutely from where it was wedged between debris. As Subaru approached, he felt very much like his ability to pick up the sword would rest on ... something. He wondered if he would pass the test and then he wondered when he'd taken to flights of fancy. The sword was sacred, but others had wielded it before the Kamui, no matter how briefly.
Even so, he crouched before it. "I'm here to return you to your master," he said calmly. "May you serve him well."
He felt an almost approving aura from the sword, but when he picked it up it felt much like any other sword would: cool to the touch and rather heavy.
This sword carried the wishes of so many people, of Kamui, his mother, his aunt, and all the Dragons of Heaven. It was a heavy weight in every sense of the meaning and he didn't envy Kamui it.
"Let's go."
He'd been worried Kamui may have worked himself into a state while he was away as he had that first time back in the cave, but Kamui was seated on a small stool and was calmly staring out into the distance. His mien seemed almost untroubled and if it weren't for the bodies lying about, Subaru could almost believe he was unbothered; happy.
"Your sword." He presented it to him with both hands.
"It was there," he whispered in surprise. "I almost thought it wouldn't be."
Subaru nodded; he had thought much the same.
Kamui took the sword from him with steady hands. He raised it upright and studied the markings upon it with sorrow.
"How should we get to Kyoto?" he said as he lowered the sword. There was an surety to him that hadn't been there before and Subaru was suddenly very glad he'd run this task.
"I think we should simply follow the Tomei Expressway," Subaru finally determined after studying the map they'd scrounged along with the rest of their materials. "It would be the swiftest way by car if we had one. It's no doubt the swiftest on foot as well."
Kamui didn't say anything as he struggled with the backpack and sword both, determined to get them both in place. He had to put the sword down to sling the backpack over his shoulders and he let out a grunt of pain as he straightened out.
"You shouldn't strain yourself so much," Subaru pointed out, stepping forward. "That is much too heavy for someone who has only recently recovered."
"It's fine," Kamui said with only a touch of irritation. "Like you said, I've recovered. I don't want to be a burden."
"You're not a burden," Subaru said firmly. "It's no trouble for me to carry both bags."
Kamui gave him a look. It was not a look he was used to being on the receiving end of from Kamui. Subaru frowned, but ultimately allowed the matter to rest. He still had his reservations, but for now he'd settle for keeping an eye on him. If Kamui appeared strained, he would take the bag from him. The sword was burden enough.
"Maybe we'll find a car," Kamui finally said, satisfied that Subaru wasn't going to intervene any further.
"Perhaps," Subaru acknowledged. "But I can't drive."
"Oh," Kamui said with a furrowed brow. "Well, it doesn't really matter if you have a license now, though?"
Subaru nodded, mostly to indulge him. He had no intention of making the attempt; he'd barely even looked at cars. They were a reminder of Seishirou-san as so many things were and he didn't much care for them now.
"I'd be willing to try," Kamui pushed. "I've read tutorials."
"You have?" Subaru asked, startled. When had he had time for that?
Kamui actually looked a touch embarrassed now, but he nodded. "I don't know, I figured it would be handy someday."
Subaru wasn't sure what he was supposed to say to that. He also wasn't sure if he was thrilled at the idea of Kamui's first test drive coming after the end of the world and with him in the passenger seat. It sounded like a recipe for disaster. Furthermore, most cars were utterly totaled and he really wasn't interested in investigating every single one or removing whatever unfortunate soul might still be in it.
"I think traveling by foot may be wiser," Subaru determined. "It may be longer, but not by much." They could both move faster than most humans thanks to their abilities after all; he really wasn't sure why Kamui wanted to drive so badly.
"Fine," he mumbled, but he looked decidedly unhappy about it. He'd have to figure that out eventually, but for now they needed to get going.
The Tomei Expressway was as derelict as the rest of Tokyo. Subaru heaved an internal sigh at the sight of it. There were large cracks throughout the road and skid marks throughout. Most cars had crashed either with other cars or off the side of the road. They'd need to be careful in how they maneuvered this; things didn't feel as stable as he would have preferred.
"Do you think… any of them are alive?" Kamui asked as they continued onwards at a quick pace, leaping over cars and debris in equal measure. His gaze kept shifting to the various cars and Subaru could tell he wanted to run up to them in search of life.
The sun was still high in the sky; all Subaru could think was how they'd be at this for several hours.
"If so, they probably aren't still in their car," Subaru replied wearily. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course," Kamui said immediately.
"Why did you want to drive so much?" It was such a minor detail, but it was nagging at him. He felt as though he should already know the answer.
"Oh, that…" He frowned.
"Is your injury still bothering you?" By all accounts it should have been, but after they'd left Kotori's grave Kamui had seemed nearly fully recovered. Subaru was honestly mystified by it.
"A little," he admitted as they landed over a large semi. "But I think part of me thought that if we drove, I wouldn't have to see…" He hung his head in shame.
"It's all right," Subaru responded, finally realizing what the matter really was. It wasn't that Kamui craved speed in their journey—though that would have been justification enough—but that he was hoping to avoid witnessing some of the destruction before him. It really should have been quite apparent to Subaru from the start. He was a little worried about his own state of mind knowing it hadn't been.
"Is it?" Kamui wondered bleakly. "It's my fault this happened. All of it."
"That isn't entirely true," Subaru replied calmly as they jumped over a large entourage of cars that all appeared to have panicked and then collided into each other. Alternatively, one of the dragons had slammed into them. There was a pretty large dent to their sides. "A good portion of the blame rests on the other Kamui's shoulders."
"Fuuma…" Kamui muttered.
"Do you still want to save him?" Subaru felt compelled to ask regardless of how cruel the question could be considered. If Kamui still wanted to, even after all this, he truly wondered how it couldn't be considered his true wish.
Kamui didn't look offended, however, merely terribly sad. "I don't think it matters what I want anymore. Maybe it never did."
It was the kind of statement he would have protested in his youth, but Subaru was at a loss as to how Kamui could be deemed wrong. Telling him anything mattered felt like the height of hypocrisy. They'd all been at the mercy of fate; their destiny had been foreordained.
"What do you hope to find in Kyoto?" Kamui continued when Subaru failed to respond.
"You remember I'm the thirteenth head of the Sumeragi clan?"
"And the head of all onmyoji in Japan. I remember," Kamui responded with a wistful smile. "I was very impressed when you told me that back then. I'd never spoken to someone with that much responsibility."
"It's really not that impressive…" Subaru almost felt sheepish. He couldn't remember the last time he'd even approached the sensation, but the title had always seemed a bit grandiose to him as a teenager. As an adult it simply… was.
"Regardless," he continued, "that is where my clan is stationed."
"Oh," Kamui murmured so quietly Subaru almost didn't hear him with the wind whipping past his ears. "Then… you want to see if your clan is still standing?"
"Partially. I'm more concerned about my grandmother. We haven't spoken in a long time, not properly and not in person. The Sumeragi household is defended by various shiki, wards, and natural phenomenon. There's a high likelihood some part of it yet stands."
Kamui adjusted his pack before he leapt over a large crater in the road. The destruction was truly incredible.
"If it's still standing, why do you sound so concerned?"
"Because I've failed her," he admitted as he looked up at the sky. They were making good time, but it would still be days before they reached Kyoto. "I imagine she will be very disappointed in me. I've brought her a great deal of pain over the years."
"She's your grandmother," Kamui said in consternation. "She will understand."
No, she won't, Subaru thought sadly. It would be far worse if she did because then she would know the true depths of his obsession, of his utter selfishness. He'd told Yuzuriha he was selfish once and she'd protested, but he knew in his heart it was absolutely true.
It was still possible his grandmother wasn't even alive now. As protected as the ancestral home was, it wasn't indomitable.
He'd have to cross that particular bridge when he came to it.
The next couple of days were spent largely in silence. Neither Subaru nor Kamui were feeling particularly talkative and each wound up lost in their own private thoughts. Subaru knew he should probably try a little harder to distract Kamui from the state of things, but he was having a hard enough time focusing on moving ahead when all of his thoughts kept returning to his grandmother, his sister, and Seishirou-san.
There was also the matter of his new eye and his supposed duties as Sakurazukamori.
He'd pushed that out of his mind in favor of helping Kamui, but it wasn't something he could avoid forever and now that he was headed straight home, a place he'd avoided for years, he could no longer put it off. He could feel a different power running through him in conjunction with his previous abilities as an onmyoji, but he hadn't tried to put any of it to work. He honestly didn't want to.
Furthermore, now that Japan's government was no more, he wasn't sure he had any responsibilities as the Sakurazukamori anyway. They'd always worked in the shadows as the government's assassin. That was no longer a job that existed.
He inwardly flinched at his own line of thought. Even after everything, even with how dead he felt, he still disliked the idea of killing another, still hated knowing Seishirou-san had spent a significant portion of his time doing just that without an ounce of regret.
Those were the thoughts that plagued him the entire way to Kyoto. He couldn't say what Kamui was thinking about precisely, but he could make an educated guess judging off how he would stare into the horizon blankly or how he would wake in the middle of the night screaming. Subaru had had to spend several nights stroking his brow until he calmed enough to attempt sleep once more.
The most alarming part was how he'd whisper "I'm sorry" over and over into Subaru's chest, and he couldn't tell whether Kamui was apologizing to him, Kotori, or the entire human race.
There were nights where Subaru had his own nightmares as well, and Kamui would be the one to wake him. He wasn't entirely sure how Kamui always knew; he knew for a fact he was a quiet sleeper, but when he asked Kamui claimed he hadn't made any sound.
However he knew, Kamui was surprisingly protective on those nights; he would hold him so tightly Subaru would have to remind him to ease up a bit. He was worried Kamui was turning him into his own personal responsibility, and more responsibility was hardly what the Kamui needed right now. Even so, he couldn't help but enjoy the contact. He'd always been comfortable around Kamui; it was simply strange to have him take the protective role rather than the other way around.
At long last, Kyoto was on the horizon, not that he would have been able to tell if it weren't for the helpful sign on the road.
It seemed that the Dragons of Earth had been very thorough here as well.
All that history, gone.
"Subaru…"
"It should be this way," he replied firmly, ignoring the worried look in Kamui's eyes. "We're nearly there."
They both desperately needed showers and Subaru was determined to make that much happen regardless of the state of his home.
They ended up stopping at what he assumed was once a hotel or someone's home. It had a working tub at least. That was the only thing working in it; the rest of the building had been stripped of any discerning features.
"You can go first," Kamui said before Subaru had a chance to say anything. "I'll wait over here."
The water was freezing—he supposed warm water was too much to hope for right now—but he was clean again and that eased his mind somewhat. Even if he was about to disappoint his grandmother, he'd at least like to look presentable. It was such a small thing compared to everything else, but he'd always looked presentable for his grandmother. It was a small gesture, but it was something.
Kamui took an incredibly quick bath before he hastened them on. There was a nervous energy about him that had Subaru a little concerned. Kamui was withholding a great deal from him and he wasn't sure how to pry it out of him or if he should even try.
It was a relatively quick journey through the city-turned-necropolis before they were at the edge of the copse of trees that surrounded his ancestral home. Kamui was staring at it with something like wonder and what was definitely curiosity.
"This is it?"
"Yes. It looks untouched," he said in puzzlement. He'd figured it might be standing, but he hadn't expected it be as pristine as ever.
When they reached the house proper, Kamui gaped in shock. "Subaru, this is huge!"
Subaru allowed his gaze to trace over the traditional Japanese temple and home. It was quite large. There was a Zen garden, a koi pond, and all the usual adornments one might expect from a traditional Japanese line. He could hear chimes as the wind gently blew across the land. It was if they'd entered an entirely different reality.
"You really grew up here?" he asked in a softer tone.
"Until I was 1sixteen years old. At that point I moved to Tokyo with my sister." How strange to think of that time now. He could scarcely believe he'd once been so enthusiastic and full of wonder. It had been a long time.
Kamui turned towards the picturesque setting. "It's beautiful."
"It was difficult leaving at the time," he admitted. He felt as though he owed Kamui something after such a long, dreary journey. "But my sister was eager to explore and that made it easier."
Kamui clasped his hand, his sword held tightly in the other. Subaru stared ahead numbly. He couldn't decide whether he was afraid, worried, or simply didn't care what came next. He simply knew that there was no getting out of it, whatever it was.
"Let's take a look," he said with a hesitant smile. That spurred him on and they took their first steps together. It was surreal; he'd never brought anyone here before. It was a place that he'd only ever associated with his grandmother and his sister. It was the one place Seishirou-san had never laid a mark on.
The moment they approached the entrance, the door opened. His grandmother stood before him, as strong and regal as ever. He couldn't read the expression on her face, but her gaze flicked to Kamui, traced his figure and the sword at his side, before returning her attention to him.
"Welcome home, Subaru."
Author's Notes: I'm actually really looking forward to writing Subaru's conversation with his grandmother. :D That's part of why this chapter came out so much faster.
