To quote the lady who did an abridged version of Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid, "Fuck it, why not?"

I don't own this series.

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Kazuma's a scoundrel,

Megumin's a nut,

Darkness is a pervert,

Aqua pads her butt!

A poem by a giggling asshole

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"Eris pads her chest," a certain blue-haired water goddess with a microscopic-sized brain declared proudly, flaunting her own moderately-sized assets.

The brown-haired boy looked up from his cup of hot water (it was supposed to be tea, dammit!) and sneered. "And you pad your ass, Aqua," he retorted.

"WHAT?!" she shrieked, spinning around to face him with a look of supreme indignation. "I DO NOT! TAKE THAT BACK KAZUMA!"

"Hell no," the boy, Kazuma, said, sipping his water. "She flaunts her chest, and you enjoy flaunting your ass, so clearly you put pads on it."

"It's not padded!" she cried, her face beginning to look desperate. She rushed up to him and flashed her naked(?) rear in his face. "How can you call an ass as magnificent as this fake?!"

Connected to any other women, it would be magnificent. If it were any other woman, Kazuma would have liked nothing more than to slap those cheeks to get a feel on how firm they were. If it were any other woman, he'd stare at it all day, fantasizing about how it would feel pressed against his face.

Unfortunately, the owner of what should have been a breathtaking backside was Aqua, and that fact alone killed any arousal he might have otherwise had. And he'd tried to get aroused by her. By Eris (huh, he was starting to swear by her now), he had tried. But not even sniffing her hair while she slept next to him in a smelly horse stable had made him feel horny, and having her ass mere inches from his face didn't do the trick, either.

Thus, with a snort, he sipped his water again and turned away. "Easily: it's fake."

Aqua sobbed, collapsing to her knees. "It's real," she whined pitifully.

Kazuma blew raspberries and turned to her. "Puh-lease. Maybe I'd be more inclined to believe that if you didn't flash everybody around with it. Seriously, wear some damn panties, why don'tcha?!"

Aqua leapt to her feet and pointed at him. "I do wear panties, you stupid shut-in NEET! I just make them invisible so you can't peep at them!"

Kazuma stared at her.

She stared right back.

The silence between them felt like an eternity, before he snorted and went back to his drink.

"Genius," he muttered. "Sheer genius."

Aqua began crying again.

What a lovely way to start the day.

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"What did you do this time?" the diminutive brunette asked, chewing on a celery stick.

"Kazuma's being a meanie again," Aqua whimpered between sobs. "He said I pad my butt." She lay her head back down on the table and continued sobbing.

The tall blonde sitting next to the brunette let out a light moan. "Ah, to have your body mocked so viciously." She turned to Kazuma, who was currently trying to multi-task between chewing on a fried frog's leg and covering his ears to block out the noise coming from the girl sitting next to him. "If you wish to accuse a woman of falsifying her body measurements, feel free to tear into me. I wouldn't mind." Her face flushed as she said those words.

Swallowing his food (he may be an unrepentant scoundrel, but even Kazuma knew not to talk with his mouth full), Kazuma snorted in derision. "I've seen your ass, Lalatina, and it ain't fake."

The blonde shot up from her seat, her expression fierce and indignant. "DO NOT CALL ME LALATINA!" she shouted. The other patrons turned to look at the group, before shrugging and returning to their own meals.

"Hey everybody what's going on?" A silver-haired girl walked up to the table.

Kazuma inclined his head. "Just rubbing it in Aqua's face that she pads her ass, Chris."

Chris tilted her head in curiosity. "What makes you say that?" she asked.

Kazuma turned fully towards her, as Aqua was too busy crying to say anything. "Well, she likes to say that Eris pads her chest," he noticed Chris's left eye twitch slightly, "and she likes to show off her ass in public, so I figured she pads it."

Chris nodded at the logic, a small glint in her eye beginning to show. "Yeah, I've always wondered why Aqua doesn't wear panties."

Much like Lalatina (IT'S DARKNESS, DAMMIT!) before her, Aqua leapt to her feet, a fierce expression on her face. "I TOLD YOU: I DO WEAR PANTIES, BUT I MAKE THEM INVISIBLE SO KAZUMA CAN'T PEEP AT THEM!"

Yet again, this declaration was followed by an awkward silence as everybody in the bar gave her a deadpan expression.

"Genius," Kazuma muttered, his expression now solemn. "Sheer, unadulterated genius."

A few chuckles and snorts could be heard in the background, causing the water goddess to once again start crying obnoxiously.

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Yeah, I know. It's pretty damn short. I might expand it later, or maybe someone else who's better at writing Konosuba stories can take it and run with it. For the record, if anyone wants to do that, feel free. You don't need my permission, nor do you even need to tell me you did it. I'm also aware that the "invisible panties" thing is fanon, but it makes too much sense. Prove me wrong, I dare you.

Anyway, this was just a little something floating around in my head. I hope you folks enjoyed it. If you did, please say so; if not, don't pull any punches. Ta!