A/N: So I rewatched S22E14 for this and noticed that it's set in April, not May like I initially thought and mentioned in the AN after chapter 2. Sorry about that. This is a tricky fic with all the time jumps so I'll probably screw up again and again. Please call me out on it if you see any mistakes that bothers you. And I hope it's not too confusing.

This contains spoilers for said episode, btw.

TW: Mentions of rape/torture. PTSD. Slightly implied gambling addiction and eating disorder.

While most chapters in this story will mainly focus on Amanda's POV, there will be a few chapters where I dive into Olivia's brain. This is one of those chapters.

Lissie – Sleepwalking

CHAPTER 3 - APRIL 2021

They're not like they used to be. The nightmares that wakes her up in the middle of the night, gasping and with hair clinging to her sweat covered forehead.

She doesn't see his face anymore. It's just a feeling of his presence. Like he's lurking behind her, around her, next to her. She can smell him and hear his breaths, but she can't see him. He's not hurting her physically, and she's not fighting for her life. It's still enough to startle her awake, though.

After all this time, she figures it's like living with a chronic illness. The nightmares are just a part of her and she has learned to not let them affect her as much as they used to.

Just a few years ago, she would've been up by now. On her knees in front of the toilet, puking her guts out, crying and shaking. Now, she simply takes a few deep breaths and reminds herself that she's safe.

Inhale. I'm safe. Exhale. I'm safe. Inhale. I'm safe. Exhale. I'm safe.

She turns on her side and checks her phone. 3:48 am.

She lets out a frustrated sigh as she falls back down on the mattress with her phone still in her hand. Just as she's about to put it back on the nightstand and try to get a few more hours of sleep, it vibrates in her hand. Given the time, she braces herself for whatever is going to drag her out of bed and force her to call and wake up Lucy.

But her expected misery quickly turns into the opposite when she sees who's behind the text.

"So Frannie threw up on my bed and I had to wash everything and now I can't sleep. Saw this and thought of you." Olivia lets out a short chuckle when she sees theattached meme; an old painting of a woman with a sword through her neck and the words "I'm fine" above it.

You know me too well, Rollins, she thinks as she starts typing.

"Yes, I believe that's me."

"You're up?"

"Apparently."

"Nightmare?"

Speaking of a certain blonde detective knowing her too well.

"Yeah, but it wasn't that bad."

"Hence, the meme."

"Sorry about Frannie, and your sheets. Is she sick?"

"Nah, Jesse probably just fed her most of her vegetables under the table."

Olivia lets out another chuckle because she can totally picture sweet, little Jesse feeding Frannie carrots and broccoli when Amanda isn't watching. She stares at the empty side of her bed for a short moment before she starts typing again. "Plans tomorrow?" She bites down on a nail before she adds "My sheets are vomit free."

"Taking the girls to the playground, but other than that, no plans. Your sheets sound nice."

"They are. They're soft, too."

"I know they are."

"Bring the girls, we'll make a sleepover out of it."

"Sounds like a plan. Speaking of sleep, I'm gonna give it another go."

"Same. Talk tomorrow."

The final text from Amanda is a heart.

The simple and yet loaded emoji makes her smile softly as she stares at the screen until it goes dark. All though left unsaid, it's no secret that the sleepovers with the kids have become just another easy excuse for them to sleep and wake up in the same bed, without actually having to name or define what they are.

Somewhere along the way, she isn't entirely sure when, it stopped being just a quick fuck to distract themselves from whatever was going on in their lives. Somewhere along the way, it turned into something else.

And after nine years, it's becoming harder and harder to deny the fact that she doesn't just want the occasional sleepovers. She wants more. All of it.

Because she has finally realized that what started out as a desperate search for some meaningless comfort, wasn't a desperate search at all. It was her, falling in love. And all those times they failed at staying away from each other, was just her falling in love, over and over again.

It made absolutely no sense. Sometimes they saw the world so differently it made her wonder if they even lived on the same planet. But the next moment, it's like Amanda knows exactly what she's thinking. It's as intriguing as it is infuriating and in the end, it doesn't really matter. She's still in love.

With that thought in her head, she falls back asleep, and the next time she wakes up it's not because of nightmares, but Noah asking if they can go get pancakes for breakfast.

"Amanda and the girls are coming over later today. Is that ok with you?" Olivia asks as she steals a strawberry from Noah's plate.

"Are they staying over like last time?"

"Mhm."

"Can I show Jesse my new game?"

"Of course you can. I'm sure she'll love it."

"I really like Jesse, it's like having a sister."

Olivia momentarily freezes with her coffee halfway lifted to her mouth. "Yeah." She chuckles nervously before taking a sip that burns her tongue. "I guess so."

Just when she's about to remind him that Billie is really cute, too, her phone goes off against the table. Noah's eyes meets hers and she is immediately struck by the guilt that she feels way too often.

She keeps watching him as she listens to Fin on the other end of the call, knowing with a heavy feeling in her stomach that their Saturday plans have just been officially canceled.

"He asked 'should I cut your clothes, or burn them off'"

Olivia feels her heart start to race and it takes everything in her to not react. It doesn't help that she can feel Amanda's eyes on her and she knows what they're both thinking.

"So he made you choose."

I can relate, she thinks, trying but failing miserably at shutting that part of her brain down.

"Then he tied me up, cut my clothes, raped me, burned me with cigarettes…"

It's like she can feel the lit end of the cigarette back on her skin. They say it's impossible to remember physical pain, but in that moment she's willing to contest that theory. The sudden trigger makes her turn towards Amanda, because for just two seconds she needs a familiar face to keep her in the present.

One thought keeps running through her mind as the day unfolds and as they work into the next morning; how she wishes she could go back to that diner with Noah and ignore her phone. She's perfectly aware of the fact that she would never actually do it, but on days like these, she finds herself really loathing the thing that she does for a living.

But when she's standing outside that god awful funhouse, knowing that Amanda is trapped in there with Henry, another thought occupies her brain. This is why. This, right here, is the reason we have decided time and time again that it wouldn't work.

"Rollins… Rollins, what's going on in there?" The relief of seeing Ruby come out of the funhouse unharmed is short lived, because nothing is ok as long as Amanda is still in there with that monster.

"Fin… If she doesn't answer me." I'll go in there myself and shoot the motherfucker. She's close to saying the words out loud but the ESU lieutenant cuts her off just in time.

Just let me know you're ok, goddamnit.

"Rollins, what's your status?" Nothing. "I need you to answer me."

"Captain-" Finally. "Give us a few minutes… Henry and I are talking."

Screw you, Amanda. Get the fuck out before ESU storms the place. She has tears in her eyes now and knows that if she turns around to look at Fin, he will see just how close she is to breaking down. This is why it wouldn't work.

But a couple of minutes later, the thought is completely forgotten when Amanda is standing next to her, safe and physically ok.

"Wherever Henry ends up… They need to throw away the key."

As they watch the police car drive away with Henry inside, she notices that Amanda is shaking next to her.

"I'm driving you home." Olivia says, while gently placing a hand at the small of her back.

"I'm ok." The blonde folds her arms, looking as stubborn as ever.

"No, Amanda, you're not. You're shaking."

"Look, I just want to go home, take a shower and go get the girls."

"Fine, but you still need to get home, so let me drive you."

"Fine."

"Do you… need a meeting?" Olivia asks while glancing over at the detective in the passenger seat. The question is terribly loaded, but still feels necessary. As far as Olivia knows, Amanda hasn't gambled since before she got pregnant with Jesse, but she also knows that the most random straws can quickly become the last one for someone struggling with addiction.

"Wh- no." Amanda scoffs like it's the dumbest question anyone has ever asked her. "I don't need a meeting."

"Do you want me to drive you up to Rockland? You haven't slept in like thirty hours."

"Liv, I said I'm good. And neither have you, by the way."

"Can I at least make you something to eat before you drive up there?"

"Jesus christ! I don't need a meeting, I don't need food. I just want to see my girls."

"Fine."

But it's definitely not fine. Not with the way Amanda's leg is bouncing restlessly and the way her hands are fidgeting the entire drive back to her apartment.

"Can you please just tell me what's going on?" Olivia asks as she parks the car outside her building.

"Nothing is going on, ok? I just… I don't want Jesse and Billie to stay with my parents any longer than necessary, and I'm tired and… It was just a lot. This case… It's a lot."

"I know… I get it."

"I know you do."

The captain reaches out a hand and places it on Amanda's leg, briefly wondering if the blonde has always been this skinny or if she has missed something while being caught up in her own entire ocean of feelings.

Her thoughts are interrupted when Amanda grabs her hand and gives it a tight squeeze. "I'm sorry our plans got ruined."

"Me, too." She swallows the lump in her throat. Being sleep deprived really doesn't help with her already rattled state. "Listen, take tomorrow off, be with the girls and get some sleep."

"What about you?"

Olivia smirks then and reaches for her phone where she finds their texts. She scrolls up to the meme from Amanda and turns the phone towards her. "I'm fine, remember?"

The detective rolls her eyes but can't stop the laugh that escapes her. "You're insufferable, you know that, right?"

"I know. It's a skill."

Just as Amanda is about to open the door and leave, Olivia reaches out and grabs her by the elbow.

"Promise me you'll eat something."

She doesn't know what it is, but her words seem to trigger something in Amanda, forming a sad look on her face. But before she can study it any further, the detective's lips are on hers.

"Insufferable." Amanda mumbles against her mouth before she pulls back and exits the car.

A/N: And back to the past we go in chapter 4. You ready?