A/N: This is set right after S15E10/Psycho Therapist. So after the Lewis trial.

I'm not planning on making him a reoccurring character in this fic, but it's kinda hard to avoid. Except for a few possible mentions in the future, this is the only Lewis focused chapter.

I really hope I did this justice and treated it with the respect it deserves.

TW: Eating disorder, PTSD.

Daughter – Youth

Joshua Radin – Today

Damien Rice - Delicate

CHAPTER 4 – JANUARY 2014

She's holding on to the sink while she waits for the dizziness to subside, barely able see herself in the mirror due to the fog left there after her shower. Amanda's wet hair clings to her skin and there's a puddle of water on the floor where she's standing.

When she feels steady enough to let go of the white porcelain, she wraps a towel around herself and brushes her teeth for the third time that night, knowing full well that she's not supposed to. "I can't force you into treatment, Amanda, but at least do what you can to take care of your teeth." The well-intended advice from her dentist two years ago plays on repeat in her head as she rinses her mouth for the last time.

She rolls her eyes at her own reflection before she turns around.

So fucking stupid.

At least pick your poison, Rollins.

Being a broke ass gambler just like your old man isn't enough for you? You gotta make yourself sick, too. And for what? Punishment?

I guess it serves you right, though.

William Fucking Lewis.

As she angrily dries herself off, she can picture his smirk in that courtroom. That disgusting grin on his face. His voice, his eyes, his rage. The few times she had glanced over at him, she had one thought and one thought only in her head; Liv should've killed you. And I should've helped covered it up and somehow taken the fall for it. That's what I deserve after bringing you into her life.

Dressed in a T-shirt and sweatpants, she closes the door behind her and moves to the kitchen for a glass of water. If she can just fill her stomach with water, she might avoid a second round tonight.

The sudden knock on her door makes her flinch. That dreadful sound is definitely not something she neither expects nor wants this close to midnight. Instinctively, she grabs her gun that she placed on the countertop when she got home a few hours ago. But when she peers through the peep hole, the hand holding the gun falls down against her side and her heart starts to race for other reasons than fear.

"Liv?"

"I..." It almost looks like the brunette is as surprised to see Amanda, as Amanda is to see her.

"Did something happen?"

"I don't know why I'm here."

"Come in." She holds the door open and gestures for her to come inside.

Olivia wraps her arms around herself as she steps inside the apartment. Her brown eyes lands on Amanda's hand, still holding the weapon she grabbed on instinct.

"Why are you holding your gun?"

"Well… It's almost midnight. Wasn't exactly expecting company." She says a little too high pitched before placing the gun back on the countertop.

"Right."

A heavy silence fills the room as they look at each other before Olivia moves her eyes to the floor between them.

"Liv, did something happen?"

When she doesn't answer, Amanda grabs a glass from the cabinet and fills it with water. Her heart breaks a little when she watches Olivia reach for it with a hand that is visibly trembling.

"Come here, sit."

She cringes a little at the memory of the last time she had told her to sit down on a couch.

"Sit."

Suddenly she gets a sickening feeling that she had treated Olivia like a dog more than an actual human being that night all those months ago. And that's one of the many reasons why she decides tokeep a safe distance and sits down as far away on the couch as possible. She watches with worried eyes as Olivia's hands cradle the glass, tight enough to make her knuckles turn white.

"Liv... Talk to me." She finally says when the brunette still hasn't spoken after three long minutes.

"I… I thought I was ready." Olivia takes a sip of water before she places the glass down on the table in front of her. "Jesus, it's hot in here." She says as she removes her jacket.

"New York is cold." Amanda mumbles back before she clears her throat. "Ready for what?"

"To sleep with him."

"Oh."

The silence is back, and this time it's deafening.

"Turns out... I wasn't ready at all." Her chin quivers as the last words leave her and when she closes her eyes, two tears roll down on her cheeks. Suddenly the distance between them that Amanda was determined to keep, seems completely irrelevant.

"Oh, honey. Ok, come here." She says with a gentle voice as she moves closer and welcomes Olivia into her open arms. For a second she worries that the sudden closeness is too much for the brunette, but her worry is quickly erased when Olivia leans into the embrace without hesitation.

While moving her hand in a soothing circle over her back, she lets her cry. She lets her choked sobs fill her apartment, and she lets her tears land and eventually dry on her T-shirt.

And then finally, Olivia talks.

She tells her how being done with the trial had made her think about moving forward, putting all of this behind her, and start over.

How she had initiated it, absolutely convinced that she was ready for that kind of intimacy again. And especially with Brian, someone safe, someone who had known her since she was practically a kid fresh out of her uniform.

And then she tells her how the panic attack had started as soon as he was on top of her. That he did nothing wrong, he went slow and asked again and again if she was sure about this.

But as soon as she felt his weight on her, she was back in that beach house, fighting for her life.

"I'm so sorry. So, so sorry, Liv." Amanda uses her thumb to wipe away the last tears that have fallen down on her cheeks, temporarily struck by how incredibly beautiful this woman looks when she cries.

"God... I'm so pathetic." Olivia half cries, half laughs as she mindlessly picks on the spot on Amanda's T-shirt where her mascara has left behind a few black stains.

"Hey, you are not pathetic." Amanda retaliates, definitely more harshly than she intended.

"I'm not? I show up at your door in the middle of the night, crying, because I can't have sex with my boyfriend."

"And you have every reason to cry and every reason to not be ready for that yet. Ok? Nothing about this makes you pathetic."

She doesn't look convinced, but she nods nonetheless and gives Amanda a short lived smile that just barely reaches her eyes.

"Can I… Can I sleep here tonight?"

The question is somehow expected and unexpected at the same time, and it immediately throws Amanda into a whirlwind of pros and cons. Yes, she wants her to stay. No, it's not a good idea. Yes, she has a boyfriend. No, it doesn't mean that anything needs to happen between them.

"Does Brian know where you are?"

"Yes. We're fine. It's fine." Something in the way she waves it off, tells Amanda everything she needs to know that it's definitely not fine, but she decides not to push it. Mostly because Olivia just looks so exhausted, but also because there's a small part of her that wants nothing more than to give her exactly what she needs, whatever that is.

"Ok, you take the bed, and I'll be right here if you need anything."

"No… Uhm, with you."

The weight of those simple words makes Amanda bite down on her lip. Pros and cons. Pros and cons. Screw it. "Ok… Ok. We can do that."

It feels strange to suddenly have her so close, after all this time of doing everything in their power to keep things strictly professional. But when they're settled in bed, lying on their sides and looking at each other, it dawns on her just how much she has missed her.

When Olivia's eyes move down to her lips, her breath hitches, and when the brunette shifts a little, closing most of the distance between them, she stops breathing all together.

"Liv… I don't know if this is a good idea." It's the last thing she wants to say, because god, does she want this to happen. But her tired mind reminds her why Olivia came to her in the first place and the last thing she wants to do is take advantage.

"I know." Olivia says, but she doesn't look away from Amanda's lips and she doesn't move. "But…"

"But?"

"I want to."

There's a hint of vulnerability, but no hesitation in her voice. And when she reaches over and pulls Amanda towards her, effectively closing what was left of the distance between them, all the cons in Amanda's head are swept away.

"Are you sure?"

Olivia nods. "I'm sure."

"Last time." Amanda whispers, needing to be the one to say it. She needs to at least pretend that there are some boundaries in this relationship or whatever she's supposed to call it.

"Last time." Olivia agrees before their lips meet.

It's a stark contrast to their first kiss. Nothing about this feels rushed, or even confusing. It just... is. Just the two of them under the covers. Hands running through brown hair. Hands clinging to warm skin.

When Amanda moves down a little and lifts the T-shirt Olivia has borrowed, she's stopped when the shirt reaches the underside of her breasts.

"Do you want it on?"

"I..." Suddenly Olivia looks so vulnerable it brings tears to Amanda's eyes and makes her question every single decision that lead them to this moment.

"No." She finally says before taking a deep breath.

Amanda braces herself when the brunette lifts herself up a little to remove it, and she can't help but clench her jaw a little when she sees the scars on the brunette's chest.

This is all my fault. This happened because of me. She was hurt because of me.

She pushes the intrusive thoughts away when her eyes locks with Olivia's again.

"You're beautiful." Her voice is so thick with sincerity it makes both of them momentarily forget about the fact that they're not together. They're not supposed to love each other like this, but yet, here they are.

"Come here." Olivia whispers as her hand comes up and gets wrapped around Amanda's neck. "Kiss me."

As they deepen the kiss, she moves her hand over Olivia's chest, and gently but without hesitation, she closes her palm over her breast. She's incapable of stopping the moan that escapes when the other woman arches into the touch, overwhelmed by how much Olivia trusts her.

"Ok?" She mumbles against her lips.

"Mhm... More."

She carefully starts to rotate her hand against the soft skin, taking in every single sound coming from the woman beneath her. At first it's just heavy breaths with a slight tremble, until it turns into soft whimpers that encourages her to keep going.

There are so many things she wants to tell her, but that she fears the brunette isn't quite ready to understand. She doesn't want to ruin this moment that feels so utterly sacred, and honestly like a goddamn privilege, but Olivia needs to know. Even if it will take her years to fully understand it, she needs to know.

So while her hand temporarily stills, she lowers her head so they're cheek to cheek. "This is your body, Liv. It belongs to you and no one else, and you're safe here. You don't have to be anything you're not right now. You don't have to be strong. And we can stop anytime. This is your body. And you are so beautiful."

When she feels Olivia's tears against her own skin she closes her eyes and tries to hold back the tears that aren't hers to cry. But they manage to escape nonetheless, and their pain gets mixed together in a tiny river that runs between them.

"Ok." Olivia simply whispers as her hand lands on top of Amanda's. She laces their fingers together before she starts moving them down her stomach.

When their tangled hands are resting low enough for her fingers to touch the top of the brunette's underwear, Amanda raises her head and peers down at her. "Nothing you're not ready for."

"I'm ready." Olivia responds with glossy eyes. "With you. I'm ready with you."

It's not lost on Amanda what a monumental statement that is. She has spent the last nine months convincing herself that their encounter last March was nothing but a drunken mistake. What she felt that night was solely because of the alcohol running through her system, confusing her and making her feel things that just weren't there.

But here she is, stone-sober, as clearheaded as she's ever been, realizing that it wasn't her imagination at all.

She keeps their eyes locked as her hand slip beneath the lace fabric. "Beautiful" She whispers before she lowers her head again and align her lips with Olivia's. "So beautiful." It's so slow at first that it barely looks like they're moving, but when Olivia lifts her hips a little and her leg moves between Amanda's, something shifts.

She's just about to ask if it's ok, the way she's unable to stop her hips from grinding against Olivia's thigh, but the brunette beats her to it. "Don't hold back."

So she gives in and fills her with two fingers, momentarily stunned by how tight she feels, how close she already is. "Shit." She breathes the word out.

One hand comes up to the back of her head while another grabs her by the hip, encouraging her to move faster and harder.

"I want you to come with me."

Amanda nods in agreement, because god yes, that's exactly what she wants.

She groans when Olivia's hand moves and grabs her ass in earnest, pressing them as close together as possible. For a couple of minutes the dark room is nothing but quick and uneven breaths, until Olivia pulls her down for another kiss and moans "now" against her open mouth.

Amanda realizes then that she has never felt this close to anyone before. And it serves as a sad reminder that it's impossible for her to imagine ever feeling like this with anyone that's not Olivia. But for a few heavenly seconds it doesn't matter. Because it's just them, pressed together, with sweat covered skin and soft cries that occasionally cuts through the silence.

And Olivia is safe, and she's here.

"You ok?" She asks a little timidly when she has mostly regained control of her breathing.

"I am." The brunette smiles. "I'm ok. Tired, but ok."

When Amanda emerges from her bathroom ten minutes later, Olivia is already asleep. She watches her for a few seconds before she climbs into bed and under the covers. It's stupid and reckless, but when she wraps an arm around her, Amanda allows herself to pretend that this isn't just for tonight, because she could so easily get used to this.

She's confused and a little startled when a low voice wakes her up a few hours later. She looks around the empty room and to the side of the bed where Olivia had just been.

"I know… I know. I'm sorry."

The words are coming from her living room and curiosity gets the best of her, making her throw on a discarded T-shirt and pad over to the door.

"Brian, I said I'm sorry. Can we talk when I get home?"

Amanda opens the door then and immediately locks eyes with Olivia who is pacing back and forth.

"Ok. I'll be home soon."

She drops the phone on the couch as soon as she hangs up and then she covers her face with her hands.

"Did… Did you tell him what happened?"

"Wh- No. God, no." Olivia shakes her head. "He's just worried. Can't say that I blame him."

"You should go home to him."

"I know."

Olivia just stands there for a moment before she walks past Amanda and back into the bedroom where her clothes lies scattered on the floor.

As much as she wants to beg her to stay, she knows that she can't. So instead she walks over to the kitchen where she gets her coffee started, knowing full well that she won't be going back to sleep once the brunette leaves.

"Amanda-" Olivia starts when she comes out of the bedroom fully dressed, but Amanda cuts her off.

"This never happened. I know." She says while wrapping her arms around herself.

The brunette shakes her head and walks over to where Amanda is standing. "No, that's not what I was gonna say." She rests her hands on her shoulders and looks at her with a stare so intense that it almost forces Amanda to look away.

"This definitely happened. I don't want to pretend that it didn't because it meant too much for me to do that. But… it can't-"

"Happen again."

"It's not fair to you and it's not fair to Brian."

"You don't need to explain, I get it. We're good, Liv. I promise." She initially believes her own words, but when the door closes behind Olivia a minute later, all of her defenses comes crumbling down around her.

Olivia had turned up at her door because she couldn't sleep with her boyfriend. She couldn't sleep with her boyfriend because she's suffering from PTSD. She's suffering from PTSD because of Lewis. Lewis happened because of me. Olivia basically jumped into bed with her own attacker. And I let her.

She waits ten minutes after Olivia has left before she throws on her running gear and pulls Frannie from her deep slumber on the couch.

And then she runs. Even though it's below twenty five degrees and the wind hits her face like ice blocks. She runs even though it's five in the morning and pitch dark. She runs because it's either that or gambling her money away in some godforsaken basement, or another round with her fingers down her throat. She runs. Thinking that if she can just push herself a little harder, hurt a little more, she can forget about how everything wrong in this world is somehow her fault.

She runs, completely unaware of the fact that she's about to hit rock bottom in just a couple of months.

A/N: Next chapter: We're back in April 2021. What happens when Amanda goes to pick up her girls, exhausted and anxious? And did Henry say something to her when she went to see him at the end of S22E14?