A/N: Set in S22E14, between what happened at the funhouse and Amanda's meeting with Henry at the end of the episode.

Strong TW for eating disorders. If you're easily triggered, I strongly advice you to skip this chapter. I'll add a summary at the end for anyone who doesn't feel comfortable reading descriptions of bulimic behavior. This also has mentions of domestic violence and child abuse.

Sia – Elastic Heart

Highasakite – Uranium Heart

Lissie – Everywhere I Go

CHAPTER 5 – APRIL 2021

Once inside the shower, Amanda regrets not letting Olivia drive her up to Rockland county after all. But both of them are equally sleep deprived, so it just wouldn't have been fair to let her do that.

She rests her head against the grey tiles and closes her eyes as the water runs down her tired body. But she keeps seeing his face and that repulsive smirk. And the pictures of Jesse that he had taken. Should've killed that son of a bitch when I had the chance.

As the thought crosses her mind, she realize that driving up to Rockland without a few hours of sleep is both stupid and irresponsible, and shortly after she curls up under the covers with Frannie by her side.

The blonde detective is just as tired when her grip on the steering wheel tightens a couple of hours later. But at least she knows she'll soon be back home with her girls safe and sound.

The closer she gets to the house, the more anxious she feels. It's a familiar uneasiness that has stuck with her for as long as she can remember. Since she was a little girl, walking home from school, and the few times she had gone home to Georgia after moving up to New York. And now, every time she had to face her parents, that nauseating feeling that made her palms sweat and her teeth grind together, always came back.

"There she is." Beth Anne says as Amanda closes the car door behind her. "Dear lord, look at you, you're just skin and bones, honey."

"Are the girls ready?" She ignores the insult dressed as concern and purses her lips to keep from saying something she'll surely regret.

"I just put Billie down for a nap."

"Really? You knew I was coming, she could've waited until I got her in the car. Now it'll be impossible to get her down for the night."

"What's your hurry? At least stay for dinner."

"No, I'm tired, mama, and I want to get back to the city."

"Well, it's almost ready and you sure need to get some meat on you. Come on." Before Amanda can protest, she's practically dragged inside the house with her mother's firm grip on her arm.

"Mandy! How's my favorite southern belle?" Her father says with a husky voice from where he's sitting in what Amanda decides is the ugliest Barcalounger she has ever seen.

The ridiculousness of his exaggerated welcome could so easily make her laugh sarcastically, but the half empty beer bottle next to him makes her glare at him instead. "You're not supposed to be drinking, Jim."

"Pff." He rolls his eyes at her. "Don't you worry your pretty little head with that. And don't call me Jim, you know I hate it when you do that." She turns around just in time to miss him pointing an angry finger at her.

"There's my baby girl." Amanda lights up when she finds Jesse sitting on the kitchen floor playing with a puzzle that's definitely too easy for her.

"Mama!" Jesse gets up immediately and practically jumps into her mother's arms. "Billie bit me." The little girl frowns a little as she holds out her arm to show her mother a tiny red mark on her wrist.

"Yeah, she's feisty, the little one. Just like her aunt Kim. You better watch her so she doesn't end up all troubled." Beth Anne is suddenly right behind them and Amanda feels her shoulders tense yet again. Before she can retaliate, she is shoved over to the kitchen table. "Come on, sit, sit."

The woman can cook, she'll give her that. The problem is just that she hasn't eaten anything since her quick lunch the day before.

"Honey, if that's how you normally eat, you should be around three hundred pounds by now."

Don't react. Don't make a scene in front of Jesse.

"Jesse, come on, can you be a good girl for grandma and eat your carrots? We wouldn't want your mama to get mad at you for not eating your vegetables?"

Just breathe. You'll be out of here soon.

"You know… I never really understood why everyone loves New York so much. You should move out of the city, Amanda. Find a nice man and quit that god awful job of yours."

She's about to say something about how she's perfectly happy with both her apartment and her job, and that she doesn't need a man to take care of her, when Jim starts shouting from the living room.

"Jesus Christ, woman! How much salt did you put in this? Are you trying to give me another stroke?"

"Jim! Shut your mouth and be glad that I'm feeding you at all."

I can't do this. Fuck, I can't do this.

"Excuse me."

As soon as the bathroom door is locked, Amanda is leaning over the toilet.

By now the fingers down her throat are unnecessary, but at least it makes the process go by a little quicker. The dinner she just practically inhaled is up and out of her in the matter of seconds. Sometimes it worries her how much of a routine this has become, how good she is at ignoring the physical discomfort of it all. But today there just isn't any room for worry in her mind.

She leans back on her heels and breathes heavily as she feels her heart pounding in her chest. And there it is. That short sensation of euphoria that makes her do this over and over again. That feeling of being completely empty with a sweet ache in her muscles. The feeling of being almost invincible, and in complete control.

The high is, as expected, short lived. And Amanda's expression is both flat and tired when she looks at herself in the mirror. She washes her hands and rinses her mouth repeatedly to get rid off any evidence, not that her parents would notice it anyway. After all, she's been doing this since she was fourteen without them ever asking her about it.

"Ugh, you need to get out more, Amanda, you look terribly pale."

"Can you go get Billie while I get Jesse in the car?" She says, ignoring her mother's words and the disapproving tone in her voice. "Jesse, sweetie, go get your backpack, ok?"

"But, honey, you just got here, don't you want a coffee or something? Might help with those dark circles under your eyes."

Breathe.

After both girls are finally in their car seats, she glances up at the porch and for a short moment she feels a sense of sympathy towards her father when he comes out the door, leaning slightly on the cane that he now needs to move around.

As exhausted as she is, she decides to at least try to leave things on a friendly note, as superficial as it might be.

"Thanks for helping with the girls." She smiles politely as she looks from one parent to the other, realizing then how long it has been since she saw the two of them together. And it fills her with nothing but dread.

"Oh, don't mention it. You should bring them up more often, you know. Get them out of that godforsaken city. Can't be good for them to breathe in all that polluted air. And like I said, maybe you can find someone to settle down with. I know it isn't easy, with your situation and all, I mean, there aren't many men willing to take on that kind of resp-"

"ENOUGH!"

"Amand-" Beth Anne's eyes widen with shock.

"No, I said enough!"

"What do you mean enough?"

"I'm done with you. Both of you."

"Oh, don't be so dramatic, Mandy." Her father scoffs before lighting a cigarette.

"I'm not being dramatic. I'm telling you how I feel. But you've never cared about that, have you? Cause it was always about you, you and mama, going at it, not ONCE thinking about how it made me feel."

She looks at her mother then. "I was four years old the first time I had to sit with you in the emergency room after he hit you so hard you had to get stitches over your eye. When I was seven and he broke your arm, a nurse asked you if it was safe for me in the house and you told her I was perfectly happy and that she should mind her own business. Well, guess what, mama? I wasn't happy! I was never happy because of you."

Amanda angrily wipes away the tears that have fallen during her sudden outburst. "You were supposed to protect me. That was your only job as a parent and you failed so hard that to this day I still can't trust anyone."

"Don't you talk to your mother like that."

"Oh, suddenly you care about how anyone talks to her? After screaming and yelling at her for god knows how many years?"

She takes a few step closer and points her finger at him. "If you only knew what I've had to deal with because of you. And for some reason I keep going back because... Because I guess on some level I'm just that seven year old girl hoping that something might get better. But it never gets better!"

She's openly crying now and finds that she's too tired and too angry to care. "Stay away from me and my family. I'm done."

"And who's gonna help you with the girls, huh?" Beth Anne asks with disdain in her voice.

"I'm perfectly capable of raising my daughters without your help. I don't want them around you, because they deserve so much better. They deserve to be around people who can show them what love is, people who don't get so wrapped up in their own mess they forget that they exist."

She almost turns around to leave, but there's still more to be said.

"And the last thing I want for my girls is for them to feel like they have to be the grownups when they're just kids. Do you know how exhausting that is? For a child to grow up feeling like everything is their responsibility? Like everything is their fault?"

"You think I had it easy when I was a kid? My old man beat me so hard my ears would be ringing for days. I never laid a hand on you." Jim glares at her before he spits down on the porch.

"Am I supposed to be grateful for that? Do you think it's any better watching your own father beat the living shit out of your mother?"

"Stop it, you two. Y'all are giving me a terrible headache."

Amanda knows exactly what her mother is doing and this time she won't fall for it. She's finally, actually done. "Then take a fucking Advil, mama."

Her entire body is shaking when she walks back to the car, ignoring the overly dramatic sighs and the muffled complaints coming from her parents. She's about to slam the door shut, but then she peers back at the girls and decides that even with Billie miraculously still asleep and Jesse with her headphones on, they have done nothing to deserve her anger. So she closes the door as calmly as she can, starts the car and drives away with tears still running down her face.

"Are you mad, mama?" Jesse suddenly asks after they've been on the road for fifteen minutes.

"I'm... I'm upset, Jesse."

"With grandma and grandpa." It's a statement, not a question, and it makes Amanda wonder just how much her five year old has picked up on.

"Yes."

"That's ok, mama. You always tell me it's ok to be upset if I need to be. So you can be upset, too."

A mix between a laugh and a cry escapes her then and she quickly glances back at her eldest daughter. "Has anyone ever told you how perfect you are?"

"Yes, you, every day. And aunt Livia sometimes."

She finally feels her body start to relax and when they're no more than twenty minutes away from home, that suffocating lump in her throat is almost completely gone.

"You still awake back there?"

"Mhm."

"Good girls. I just gotta stop real quick to get some gas in the tank."

When she gets back in the car, Amanda realize she hasn't checked her phone in hours. She pulls it out of her pocket, silently praying there's not a new case waiting for her back in the city.

Her eyes light up slightly when she reads the text from Olivia. "Did the drive go ok? Let me know when you're back in the city. I miss you."

The simple text is such a stark contrast to what she has just driven away from, that it makes her tear up behind the wheel once again. She bites down on her lip before she presses the dial button and raises the phone to her ear.

"You've reached Olivia Benson. Leave a message and I'll get back to you."

The voicemail is actually a relief, because it might be a little easier to say what she wants to say when she doesn't have to worry about Olivia's immediate reaction.

"Liv, hey, it's me. Almost back home. The trip was… a lot. But I'll tell you about that later. I just wanted to call to let you know that… That I love you. I know we don't usually do this. Say things like this. But I do, and I just really needed you to know."

Her hands are shaking just a little when she puts the phone back in her pocket, but it feels like a good shake now. Not caused by forty-one years of pent up anger, but rather nine years of pent up love and affection.

She smiles as she turns around to look at the girls in the backseat. "Who's ready for an ice cream party when we get home?"

"Me!" Jesse yells excitedly with her arms raised. "Me!" Billie echoes.

"Ok, then." The detective laughs. "Let's go home."

"I want vanilla!" Jesse exclaims as soon as soon as Amanda opens the door.

She's just about to remind her that there's only chocolate left in the freezer when she jumps at the sight of Olivia and Noah sitting by her kitchen table. "Wh-" She's momentarily stunned when her eyes move around the apartment. There's a bouquet of flowers on her coffee table, candles lit by the windows, and most importantly, the smell of Olivia's perfume.

"Hi Noah." Jesse says a little shyly as she drops her backpack and kicks off her shoes.

"Noah has a new game on his iPad that he wants to show you, why don't you take him and Billie into your room and play for a little while?" Olivia smiles softly as she watches all three kids and Frannie run down the hall.

"What are you doing here?" Amanda asks, still stunned by the surprise visit.

"Well, our sleepover got ruined, and I just wanted to see you. I know it's late and you're probably exhausted, but-" Olivia gets up from the chair and walks over to where the blonde is standing, apparently frozen to the floor.

"And… I wanted to tell you that I love you, too. You know, face to face, not on the phone like some-"

She doesn't get to finish the sentence because a second later Amanda's lips are on hers. There's a sense of desperation in the kiss, like they've been apart for a lot longer than just a few hours.

"Can you stay here tonight?" Amanda says with a low and pleading voice. "I know, it's Sunday and Noah's got school tomorrow, but-"

"I can stay."

Hours later, with all three kids sound asleep in the next room, and with her head rested on Olivia's chest, Amanda finally tells her about what happened with her parents. She's too tired to hold back the tears, and she cries freely as she tells her what she said and how her parents reacted. She leaves out the part about throwing up her dinner, because that is a secret she knows she will never be ready to share with anyone.

"I'm so sorry, honey." Olivia whispers as she runs her hand through blonde and messy hair.

"And on top of everything, there's a psychopath stalking my kids."

"No matter what happens with the psychiatric evaluation on Tuesday, he's going to be locked up for the rest of his life. After what he did, there's no way he's ever going to be a free man ever again."

For the time being, Amanda decides to trust her. And then, finally, she sleeps.

Her steps are determined when she walks towards the gates that separates Henry Mesner from the freedom she prays he will never see again.

"How are you, Henry?" She asks with a blank stare. "They got you pretty drugged up, huh? You can pretend you can't hear me, but I know you can. And I've got something I wanna tell you. When I told you I didn't want you to die… I lied. If you ever get out of here, If you go after counselor Carisi or anyone in my family again, It will be your last day on earth. I'll kill you myself."

She gets up to leave but just as she's about to walk through the door, she hears his voice behind her.

"Detective Rollins?"

She knows she shouldn't, but she still turns around to look at him, immediately met by those lifeless eyes staring back at her.

"When you said family… Is Captain Benson included in that family of yours? Cause I heard the way she talked to you over the radio, and the way she looked at you?" The smirk on his face is back now. "You're important to her. And I bet, she's important to you."

"Burn in hell, Henry."

A/N: Sidenote: How amazing was Kelli in that last scene with him? SWOON.

Next chapter: Back to the past. It's September 2014 and a lot has changed for both women.

A quick summary if you wanted to skip this chapter: Amanda drives up to Rockland county to pick Jesse and Billie up after they've been staying with her parents. As usual, Jim and Beth-Anne treats her like crap, and Amanda finally has enough. She tells them to stay away from her and her family. She calls Liv on her way home and tells her she loves her. When she gets back to the city, Liv and Noah surprises her by waiting in her apartment. Liv tells her she loves her, too, and they get their sleepover after all.

And at the end she goes to see Henry like we watched her do in the episode. He indirectly threatens Liv, and Amanda tells him to burn in hell.