A/N: I hope you're still with me? I know this is a heavy fic, and it deals with a lot of pain and suffering. I promise, everyone gets a much needed break (mostly) in the next chapter.
This is set right after S16E04 – Holden's Manifesto, but it also references S15E17 Gambler's Fallacy.
TW: Mentions of gambling addiction, and a short mention of Lewis.
Birdy – Skinny Love
SYML – Where's My Love (Piano Solo)
CHAPTER 6 – SEPTEMBER 2014
They teach you a lot at the academy. But they never really teach you how it feels to see someone get their head blown off right in front of you. And how it feels when their blood trickles down on your face, into your eyes, your nose, your mouth, your hair.
In that second when it happens, it doesn't matter who that person is. It doesn't matter what they've done, who they've hurt. They just become this life that is taken right in front of you.
You're not given the choice to stop the inevitable. Because one second they're standing in front of you, and the next, they're just… gone. And no one teaches you how to deal with that or how to react.
The only thing you're left with is your brain. You have to trust your brain to process what you just witnessed. And if your brain decides to put you in a state of shock, that's exactly what will happen. It's out of your control, just like the bullet that just ended the life in front of you. Just like the blood that is now plastered all over your face.
This is what Olivia is thinking when she watches Amanda come out of the building with Nick closely on her heels.
"Amanda." She breathes her name out, even though there's at least twenty feet between them and she knows the blonde can't hear her.
"Amanda." A little louder now as she starts to move towards her. "Are you ok?"
"I..."
"She's in shock, Liv." Nick says as someone hands him a blanket to throw over Amanda's shoulders.
"He..."
"Ok, you're going to the hospital." Olivia orders, the tone in her voice leaving no room for discussion.
Just as she's about to wrap her arm around Amanda's shoulder, her phone goes off in her pocket. "Damnit." She mutters under her breath, before she recognizes the doctor's number on her screen. "Nick, I need to take this, it's Noah's doctor. Go with her."
"Copy that, serg."
Amanda flinches when the sharp light hits her eyes. "You doing ok there, detective?" The doctor asks as she checks Amanda's pupils.
Her answer is a simple nod, and it's miles away from the truth.
"Ok, you need to get tested for BBVs, now and again in six months, but the risk of infection is low, so I don't want you to worry. I'll have the nurse bring you a muscle relaxant to help calm you down and then you can go home in a couple of hours, ok?"
Amanda nods again, not entirely sure if she understood a single word of what the doctor just said.
Most of the blood has been washed away, but the metallic taste lingers in her mouth. "Water." She croaks. Three glasses later, and the worst of it is gone, but she can still smell it and suddenly she's desperate for a shower.
"You did good in there, Amanda." Nick says. "I know it... it wasn't easy."
"Where's Liv?" She asks, ignoring his sympathy.
"She got a call from Noah's doctor, so I'm guessing she had to go to the hospital."
"She's here? Is he ok?"
"I don't know anything yet. And no, she's at Mount Sinai, you're at Mercy." There's concern in Nick's eyes as he looks at her, so she purses her lips and straightens herself up a little.
"Ok... ok. I should... We should call her, make sure Noah is ok."
"I can call later, right now I think we should worry about you."
"No. Call now. I need to know that Noah is fine." Her desperation is as confusing to her as it is to Nick.
But eventually he gives her one final look before he turns around and leaves the room.
It's weird, Amanda thinks as the door closes behind him. She's been more intimate with Nick in the last four weeks than she's been with Olivia in the last seventeen months, but she can't help but feel an uneasiness with him in the room. And wish that Olivia was there instead. She wants her calm presence, not his rough energy. And she wants to be wrapped in the safety of her arms, not trapped under Nick's questioning stare.
When the door opens again she's relieved to see that it's the nurse and not him. "Here's that muscle relaxant, detective."
"You know what... I don't think I need it." She knows she doesn't look nor sound convincing, not with the way there's still a slight tremble in her shoulders and in her voice. "There's some... substance abuse in my family."
"Ok, that's your choice. But we're still gonna keep you here for a little while longer, see if we can get that blood pressure down."
"Fine."
The nurse almost crashes with Nick as they exist and enter the room at the same time.
"Did you talk to her?" Amanda asks anxiously.
"Good news. Noah gets to go home today."
She exhales a sigh of relief. "Good. That's great."
"Did you get anything from the nurse to help calm you down?"
"Mhm." She lies, not sure why. "I think I'm actually gonna take a shower, get the... the blood off me."
Her body feels heavy when she's standing under the water that doesn't really provide enough pressure for her to feel like she's getting clean. But at least the rest of Holden's blood is washed off her and she watches as it disappears down the drain in front of her feet.
Two hours later she's just about to exit the hospital with Nick by her side when her phone vibrates in her back pocket.
"If you're up for it, come by my place tonight. I want to talk."
She reads the text over and over again, trying to analyze every single word. Trying to understand what it is Olivia wants to talk about. How seeing my blood covered face today was a major trigger and finally made her realize that Lewis was all my fault? How she can never trust me again, because I've failed her repeatedly?
"Did you hear what I just said?"
"Huh?"
"I asked if I should drop you off at your place or if we should go grab something to eat."
She ponders her options but quickly and irrationally makes a decision. "You know what, I think I'll walk home. I need some fresh air and I think I just want to be alone."
"You sure?"
"Mhm. Thanks, though... for staying with me."
"Of course."
Amanda doesn't know why, but she feels a sense of guilt as she watches him walk away. By the time she knocks on Olivia's door, however, the guilt is gone and has been replaced by something else. Frustration? Dread?
"Wasn't sure you'd come." The brunette's eyes are filled with both worry and relief as she holds the door open.
"That's what she said." Amanda shrugs before she enters the apartment. She hasn't set foot in Olivia's home since they celebrated her promotion and she mentally cringes at the memory of how awkward it was to pretend that everything was totally normal between them after Olivia had ended up in her bed just a couple of weeks prior.
"Oh, you're bringing jokes. They gave you the good drugs, huh?"
"Nah, sorry, I'm just really, really tired. How's Noah?"
"He's good. I'm trying not to check on him every three minutes. Finally got him down for the night. He's not a fan of all the change in scenery."
"I get that."
"Beer? Or wine?" Olivia asks as she moves towards the kitchen.
"Yes." The detective says a little too quickly. "Beer, thanks."
"Rough day for you." The brunette says with a sympathetic smile. Just like the first time Olivia handed her a beer, their fingers touch and this time Amanda lets her hand linger for a few seconds longer than necessary because she's just now realizing how much she has missed this. Suddenly she regrets sitting down on the other side of the kitchen counter.
"Rough day for everyone." She eventually says, forcing herself to regain the distance, both physically and emotionally.
"Don't do that." Olivia shakes her head while filling her wine glass.
"Do what?"
"Deflect and pretend that your pain isn't important."
"Oh, because you've put a copyright on that, right?" The tone in her voice is almost hostile and she regrets her words immediately when she notices the hurt expression on Olivia's face.
"I'm serious, Amanda. I can't have you relapsing again."
"Why?"
"Why? Are you seriously asking me that?" The sergeant puts the glass down, a little harder than intended, and glares at her.
"Yeah, guess I am. I mean... As long as I do my job and don't screw up, why do you care what I do outside the precinct?"
"Don't be ridiculous. Of course I care." Olivia scoffs, but it's defensive, giving away how she's probably aware of how rejecting her behavior has been lately.
"Do you? Because it really doesn't feel like it."
"I know these last few months have been crazy, but I never stopped caring about you. I was just... really angry."
"When? After I screwed up, or when you realized Lewis was all my fault?" She takes a swig at the bottle and watches as the brunette's eyes widen with disbelief.
"Amanda." Her name is barely audible.
"We're both thinking it, might as well say it out loud."
Olivia just looks at her for a short moment, with tears welling up in her eyes. She downs the rest of her wine before she walks over to where Amanda is sitting, stopping only when she's two feet away.
"I'm not thinking it. I'm not thinking that at all."
"Right." The blonde bites down on her lip to stop her chin from quivering.
"No. Listen to me." Olivia takes one small step towards her, effectively closing what little was left of space between them. "Not for one second have I ever, ever, thought that any of that was your fault. Is that really how you feel?"
"I basically lead him straight to you, so yeah." Amanda says with a low voice, her eyes trained on the floor, terrified of what will happen if their eyes meet.
"No, Amanda. You did your job. Just like I would've."
"He hurt you." A lone tear rolls down her chin, and she wonders if Olivia knows just how heart wrenching it feels when she uses her thumb to gently wipe the tear away.
"Yes, he did. But I survived, and I'm ok now. Well, mostly. You on the other hand, are clearly not."
"Clearly."
"Are you gambling again?"
Amanda shakes her head, feeling a rush of relief when she realizes that at least she doesn't have to lie about this. "No, I haven't set foot in a casino since March. I'm done."
"So what are you doing? You're not drinking or using drugs, I would've noticed-"
"Maybe it's none of your business?" The detective interrupts, desperate to push Olivia away.
"Don't be a smart-ass. I'm your sergeant now, of course it's my business."
Amanda finally raises her head and looks at her then, because damn, that hurt.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. It's just... I miss you. But I'm your boss now, and I'm just trying to get my life back, after Lewis, and now Noah. It's a lot. And I know it's been a lot for you, too. I see you, Amanda. I see how hard you work, and I know that you're tired."
She doesn't know if it's the exhaustion from what happened with Holden, from doing everything in her power to maintain the distance needed to function around Olivia, or the exhaustion from spending months blaming herself relentlessly, or the combination of it all. But she's finally able to acknowledge that she just can't do it anymore.
"I am." She admits, with no attempt at stopping her tears.
Olivia moves her hands and lets them rest on her shoulders. "And I want to be here for you. Will you let me? As your friend?"
"Just a friend?" The question slips out unexpectedly and she decides to blame it on her fatigue and inability to think straight.
"I don't know."
"Me neither."
"It's probably best if we keep things strictly platonic." Olivia says as she slowly lets her hand run down Amanda's arm.
"No touching." The detective says as she lets her arms come around Olivia's waist, where her hands move from just below the clasp of her bra and down to the top of her jeans.
"No running your hand down my back." The brunette says, while leaning in a little further as a hand comes up to wipe away the last of Amanda's tears before she moves a hand to the back of her head and lets it run through blonde locks.
"No running your hand through my hair."
Olivia nods carefully as she leans in a little further. "And no kissing."
"No kissing." Amanda whispers while tilting her head just a little, enough to align their lips.
"Definitely no kissing." The last part of the sentence disappears into a mumble when their lips finally meet, and Olivia moans softly as she steps in between Amanda's now parted legs, pressing their bodies together.
There is safety in this kiss, Amanda realizes. Safety and trust and forgiveness and everything she has missed for months now. Or probably years if she's being honest with herself.
"Hm-m." She hums against her lips, thinking how easy it would be to just give in. Just continue the kiss, melt into it and finally have Olivia's skin against her own, again. "Not tonight." She mumbles instead. Because they just can't keep doing this.
"Ok." Olivia whispers as she lets her forehead rest against Amanda's. "Ok."
"It's just... it's too confusing."
"I know." She takes a deep breath before she eventually pulls away. "Look. Can we maybe just… start over? I'm not saying what happened didn't happen, but just… be friends? Have each other backs more?"
"I can do that." I mean, it'll probably kill me, but that's insignificant, right?
"Good."
There is a heavy silence between them when Amanda gets up and starts moving towards the door. But at least it doesn't feel as loaded anymore. Not as heavy as before.
"Oh, and take a couple of days off." She holds up a hand as Amanda is about to protest. "That's an order, Rollins."
"Fine." Amanda rolls her eyes at her sergeant but smiles nonetheless before she turns around to leave.
"Still up?" She sends the text the moment she walks out of the elevator. Regretting it immediately, but with every emotion running through her body, she doesn't know what else to do.
Forty five minutes later, she fails again and again when she tries to get that kiss out of her head. When Nick's hand covers her breast, it's Olivia's hand. When his mouth kisses her neck, it's Olivia's mouth. And when she comes, flat on her stomach, it's Olivia who crashes down on top of her, covering her back, and shielding her from everything and everyone.
A/N: I know I already did a conversation between Liv and Amanda about how Amanda feels guilty about Lewis in "Born To Be Yours" but I think it's such an important part of their history and it really bugs me that the show never explored that part more.
Next chapter: June 2021. We finally get a break from most of the heavy feelings when they attend Fin's wedding and someone gets a little drunk and… talkative.
