A/N: Thank you so much for staying with me and following along on this crazy ride, and for all the kind and wonderful reviews.

This chapter is pretty explicit and I feel I need to explain that this fic really isn't meant to be just a smut-fest with lots of Rolivia sex (all though I love writing them together like that). To me, these early encounters and the evolution of their relationship from "just sex" to so much more than that, is significant for a number of reasons: Intimacy and trust being the most important aspects of it.

And as the story progresses, all of these flashback chapters will hopefully serve as the backstory needed to understand why things play out the way that they do in the future.

Hope this made sense?

Anyways. We've reached S16E10 – Forgiving Rollins, and this is set right after we see Amanda walk away from Dr. Lindstrom's office.

TW: Kind of indirect talk of sexual assault, and implied eating disorder.

Lissie – Story Of My Life

Sade – By Your Side

Joshua Radin – No Envy No Fear

CHAPTER 8 – JANUARY 2015

"You couldn't do it." The sergeant says with kind eyes and her head slightly tilted.

"Nope, couldn't do it."

Amanda isn't entirely sure how she ended up knocking on Olivia's door. And now that she's there, hands in her pocket and with partially dried tears on her cheeks, she wonders if this was a big mistake.

"You weren't ready. That's ok."

"Is it, though? I feel like I'm letting you down, again."

"No." Olivia shakes her head and reaches out her hand for Amanda to grab it. "Come here." The door closes behind them as Amanda gets wrapped in her arms.

"You're not letting me down."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

All though they apparently drink the same brand of tea, it tastes better when Olivia is the one serving it. Everything is apparently just a little bit better when it comes from her.

"I've been thinking, after I found out about what Patton did to you..." The brunette suddenly looks uncomfortable and she changes positions a few times on the couch before she ends up cross legged. "And I thought about what happened between us a year ago, after the trial-"

"Liv, let me stop you right there because I know where this is going." Amanda moves a little closer and places a hand on her knee. "You did not take advantage of me, you didn't use me, I did not feel violated in any way. If anything, I felt like I took advantage of you."

The sergeant stares at her for a few seconds before she pinches the top of her nose like she has a headache.

"We're a piece of work, Rollins."

"Occupational hazard?"

"I don't know. I'm inclined to just blame men in general at this point."

"Sounds good to me." Amanda shrugs, and she can't help the tiny smile that forms on her lips.

"Something else I've been thinking about." Olivia says, with that serious look back on her face. "I want you to take some time off. Just a couple of weeks to rest. Can you do that, for yourself? For me?"

She initially wants to protest, but when Olivia's hand falls down on her shoulder to give it a firm but yet gentle squeeze, she feels herself giving in. "I can do that."

"Good." The brunette smiles, looking genuinely relieved.

They sit in silence for a while, and for the first time Amanda notices that there's nothing awkward or heavy about it. It's surprisingly comfortable and she lets herself relax against the sofa cushions.

"I kinda don't want to go home." She admits after a while.

"Don't. Sleep here tonight." Olivia's response is so quick that it leaves no room for doubt about whether she really wants her to or not.

"God, your bed is comfortable. How do you even get up in the morning?" Amanda sighs as she settles under the covers.

"Don't have much of a choice now that I've got a toddler on the baby monitor at six am."

"Right... I don't think I could do it."

"Have kids?"

"Yeah, having someone depend on me like that? I'm sure social services would hunt my ass down two days after bringing the baby home from the hospital."

Olivia laughs at the melodramatic tone in Amanda's voice. "I'm sure you'd be a wonderful mom."

The comment is surprisingly heartwarming and the blonde smiles as she turns on her side, effectively making Olivia spoon her.

She doesn't know how long they've been asleep when she wakes up, but it's still dark outside so it can't have been that long.

And then she notices that they've both moved since drifting off. She's on her back now and Olivia has her arm wrapped around her waist and a leg draped over her hips. Amanda realizes then that she can't really remember the last time she felt safe like this.

Probably the last time they kissed. And that was supposed to be the last time right?

She allows herself to run a hand through Olivia's hair, carefully so she doesn't wake her up.

But it's too late, because the other woman is already awake. She moves her head slightly, towards Amanda's neck where she places a soft kiss, humming against the soft and delicate skin that she finds there.

Amanda can tell that Olivia is turned on, by the way she's now slightly moving her hips and the way her breaths sound. But she can also tell that she's holding back. For so many reasons that the detective finds herself absolutely sick and tired of.

She really doesn't care anymore. Not when it feels this good to be close to her again.

So she tilts her head a little, giving Olivia both more room and permission to continue what she's doing.

It's enough to set something off in the brunette, because suddenly she lifts the arm that's been wrapped around Amanda's waist and moves it under the white tank she's wearing. Her fingers easily find their way to a nipple that has turned hard from having Olivia's mouth on her neck.

She's careful at first, but when Amanda arches into the touch, wordlessly encouraging her to keep going, she moves herself down, lifts the top up and over Amanda's breasts and closes her mouth over the prickly and darkened skin.

The detective realizes then that during their previous encounters, she has never had the privilege of feeling Olivia's mouth on her. And suddenly she can't understand how she's been able to get through life without exactly this, because this is without a doubt better than any high any addiction has ever provided.

In a somewhat daring move, she lets a hand come down on the back of Olivia's head and puts just a little bit of pressure there, because she needs more. She needs everything the other woman is willing to give.

The leg still draped over her hips is keeping her from moving too much, but it feels like every single cell in her body is on fire now and she just can't keep still under Olivia's touch.

Suddenly the woman on top of her moves a hand to her other breast and she uses her fingers to mirror what her tongue is doing on the other side.

The combined sensation makes her head spin as she feels her underwear getting completely ruined. She doesn't know what to do with her hands anymore, so she stretches both her arms out above her head and grabs the corners of the pillow. Holding on for dear life as Olivia keeps pushing her higher and higher.

I can't come just from this, right?

Two insane minutes later, her body proves that yes, she can absolutely come just from this. Her unexpected climax surprises both of them and as she's panting heavily into the dark room, Olivia raises her head and looks at her with one eyebrow raised.

She wants to tell her that this has never happened before. She wants to tell her how amazing she is, that no one has ever had this effect on her body, but she doesn't get the chance because Olivia is suddenly moving further down.

When she realizes what's about to happen, she throws her head back against the pillow and closes her eyes, worried she might cry from how incredible this feels.

Amanda does what she can to stifle the whimpers that manages to escape when Olivia hooks her fingers in her underwear. But as soon as the brunette is settled between her legs and her tongue comes out to tease the skin on the inside of her thighs, it's impossible to stay silent.

She covers her mouth with her own hand as her hips, now moving on their own accord, arches up from the mattress. She can't speak, and that doesn't really matter at all because her body is communicating loud and clear what she needs.

But before Olivia leans in to give her what her body is so desperately seeking, brown eyes peers up at her.

Neither of them say anything, but somehow she's able to understand what Olivia is thinking. She's telling her exactly what Amanda told her a year ago.

This is your body.

We can stop anytime.

You're so beautiful.

So Amanda just nods. Letting her know that she's ok. That this is exactly what she needs. That Olivia is exactly who she needs.

And then, a second later, it takes everything she's got not to scream out because Jesus Christ, the woman between her legs knows what she's doing. And she's already on edge after her first orgasm.

The hand over her mouth can only do so much, and she's worried that Olivia might scold her for possibly waking up her son. But obviously the sergeant trusts her own walls to be soundproof enough because when a particularly loud moan fills the room, she just chuckles against Amanda's core before she goes back to moving her tongue in a firm circle.

Normally she would feel ashamed of how eagerly her hips are now grinding against the hardworking mouth, but she's so close and something about the way Olivia hums against her makes her forget everything about being self-conscious.

And seconds later her second orgasm builds up somewhere deep inside her before it spreads violently through every single part of her body.

For a while she's so lost in the moment that she doesn't notice the gentle kisses placed on her thighs, on her hips, on her belly and her chest. And so she flinches a little when they're suddenly face to face.

"Hi." Olivia says.

"Hi." Amanda responds with a whisper, before the short but slightly awkward exchange makes her smile.

The brunette clears her throat before using her fingers to wipe away the evidence of what she just did with her mouth. "So... that happened, again."

"No... Nothing like that has ever happened before."

"So it was ok?"

"Yeah." Amanda laughs. "It was definitely ok. Mind-blowingly ok."

"Good to know." Olivia giggles softly before she lowers her head and kisses her.

The kiss doesn't last long, because shortly after Amanda flips them over, positioning herself on top of the brunette.

"You don't have to."

Amanda smiles as she leans forward and whispers right next to Olivia's ear. "I wanna be inside you."

"Shit..." The sergeant breathes the word out before lifting her head a little to let her eyes focus on Amanda's hand, currently moving slowly down her stomach.

"I'm not gonna last long." It's impossible to know if she means it as a warning or a plea, but Amanda finds that it doesn't really matter, because she's determined to provide the brunette with just as much pleasure as she was just given.

"Let me be the boss of that."

She bites down on her lip when she finally pushes her hand down and inside Olivia's panties. The sergeant might've had a point, because from the way she's feeling under Amanda's touch, she's just a couple of firm strokes away from bursting.

"God, I've missed you." She admits then, leaning down towards her to get Olivia's lips back on hers. "So much."

She doesn't get a verbal response, but the way the other woman's hands comes down on her back to pull her closer tells her everything she needs to know. She has missed her, too.

Sex should always feel this way, Amanda thinks as she listens to Olivia's gasps and moans. This safe. And this close. And for a second she wonders if it will ever be possible to feel like this again with anyone that isn't her.

As soon as she recognizes the tremble in the brunette's muscles, she slows down her movements, eliciting a frustrated puff from the woman beneath her.

"Told you I'd be the boss of this."

"Can you... ugh... maybe be a bit more... fuck... effective?"

"Why? Do you need something?"

Before Olivia can respond, she puts pressure on just the right spot and starts moving her hand again.

The sergeant is squirming against the mattress now, her arms stretched out on either side where she's grabbing frantically at the white sheets.

Amanda really wants to prolong this for as long as she can, but she worries Olivia might take matters into her own hands if she doesn't give her what she wants. All though, that would also be really hot, she thinks, getting temporarily distracted by the mental image.

"Fuck!"

And with that, Amanda is definitely and abruptly pulled back into her current reality; Olivia beneath her, arching her back, biting her lip, head thrown back and just the slightest hint of a smile on her lips.

She's taken by surprise when the first thing the brunette does after her climax is to wrap both her arms and legs around her, practically trapping her in a tight embrace.

"I've missed you, too." She whispers, still out of breath.

Amanda had already felt it, but damn, it felt good actually hearing her say it out loud.

It's so different from the first times this happened. There's no boyfriend waiting at home. No hurrying out the door to get away from each other as fast as possible. No awkward conversation about how this can't happen again.

When she wakes up a few hours later, the first thing she notices is the smell of coffee. And then the sound of Olivia talking with a very different voice than she's used to hearing. Noah, Amanda smiles as she turns on her side. She's talking to Noah.

She doesn't know if she's ever felt this level of contentment before. Her body feels spent in the best way possible, and when she hears Noah's giggle and Olivia's laugh in the next room, that's when she realizes that this is what it must feel like to be in love.

Well, that wasn't supposed to happen.

"Good morning." Olivia smiles when Amanda eventually emerges from her bedroom. "Did we wake you?"

"Nah, it's fine. I can't remember the last time I slept like that."

"Me neither." The brunette says as she hands her a cup of coffee. "Want some breakfast? I already ate with Noah, but there's yoghurt, cereal, toast?"

The calm she woke up with is suddenly exchanged with a familiar uneasiness. "Thanks, but I... I usually run before I eat, so..." She clings to the hot mug in her hands and stares down at the black liquid.

"But you do eat?" Olivia asks with worry in her voice.

"Of course."

I just have to deserve it first. And sometimes I get rid off it afterwards. No big deal, right?

"So... you'll take some time off like we talked about?"

"Mhm." Amanda nods before she takes a small sip. "There's a yoga retreat I'd like to go to. Maybe it'll help clear my mind a little."

"Good. That's good. Come back when you're ready, and I'm here. Ok? I want to be here."

"And last night?" Her voice is lowered as she peers over to where Noah is sitting on the carpet playing with a set of toy cars, like the toddler can somehow understand what she's referring to.

"Last night can be whatever we need it to be."

Everything. It was everything, she thinks. But she doesn't say it out loud. Instead she just leans against the counter and lets herself be in the moment for a few seconds. Because she can do that with Olivia. No one else, but her.

A/N: For some reason, this felt like a really important chapter for me personally. I hope you liked it!

Next chapter: July 2021. Our girls go on vacation, meaning fun times AND drama is imminent.

And… What's going on inside Henry's head?