A/N: I don't know if it was just a case of intense writer's block, or this chapter in particular, but holy shit, I really had to sweat for this one.
Anyways: It's vacation time. Which means funny and a little awkward family time, and emotional drama time.
TW: Eating disorder, pretty explicit for this chapter.
CHAPTER 9 – JULY 2021
"Noah! No broccoli for you if you don't put that down right now."
"But I hate broccoli?" The seven year old says confused as he stops moving.
The stern look on Amanda's face quickly transforms into a big grin when she lifts the water gun in her hands and points it straight at him. "Gotcha!"
"Not fair!" Noah squeals as the water hits him right in the stomach.
"Behind you, Rollins."
"Huh?" Just as the blonde turns around, she hears a loud and high-pitched giggle coming from her eldest daughter who points the water gun at her face.
"Motherf…-ishy"
"Is mama being silly?" Olivia laughs as she turns to look at Billie's face, completely lit up by the scene that plays out in front of them.
"Mama wet."
"Yup. Mama got wet right in the face, didn't she?"
"Hey! Whose team are you on?" Amanda complains while using her already soaked T-shirt to wipe away her daughter's last attack.
"Noah and Jesse's, obviously." The captain quips before cutting another piece of pineapple that Billie happily accepts.
With the workload they'd both had lately, this trip had seemed like complete utopia just a few weeks ago. But, with a lot of determination, Olivia had made it happen, all though not without promising Fin that if 'something big happened', he could call. "But it better be really f-ing big, Fin." And after two days at their rented New Hampshire cabin, the captain felt pretty damn proud of the fact that she had only checked her email three times.
"Ok, all kids are officially down for the night. You can give me my reward now or later, whatever works for you." Amanda says as she slumps down on the sunbed, looking rather pleased with herself.
"You're a real life superhero." Olivia flashes the detective a grateful smile before handing her a beer.
"That's true, but you're still taking the morning shift."
"How generous of you."
After enjoying the silence for a few minutes, Amanda is just about to comment on how beautiful the moonlight looks as it reflects on the pool in front of them, when her stomach growls loudly.
"Want me to go get you some of the leftovers? You barely touched your dinner." Before she can protest, Olivia is already on her feet.
Quick. Think.
"You know what I really want?" Amanda smirks as she gets up and glances over at the brunette before she kicks off her flip-flops and gives a subtle nod towards the pool.
"Amanda Rollins, don't you dare."
"What?" She smiles innocently before she tackles Olivia like she's a professional football player, throwing them both in the pool.
"You're so fired." The brunette says after a few gasps as she emerges from the water, dragging her hands through wet hair to get it out of her face.
"Yeah? Who are you gonna flirt with it in the squad room if I'm not there?" Amanda laughs while rubbing her eyes.
"I do not flirt with you at work."
"Sure you do."
"No! Wait... Do I?"
"Totally." Amanda grins as she closes the distance between them and wraps her legs and arms around her.
"Huh. Do you think anyone notices?"
"What, the way you eye fuck me?"
"I don't eye fuck you. Jesus."
"You're doing it right now."
"Shut up." The captain laughs as she leans in for a kiss.
As innocent as the kiss is at first, it quickly turns heated when Olivia's back hits the pool wall and Amanda moves her lips down her chin until she stops at the brunette's pulse point.
"This feels like a bit more than eye fucking."
"Mhm…" Amanda nods slowly before she lets her tongue come out and starts moving it in small circles over Olivia's wet skin. It's not lost on her how ridiculous it is, that she just threw Olivia in the pool and that she's now doing everything in her power to turn her on, just to avoid the feeling of food filling her stomach. But when she hears the brunette moan and whisper "let's go inside", she just can't get herself to care about her destructive ways. No food and sex with Olivia feels like a pretty sweet deal no matter how twisted it might be.
I'll do better tomorrow.
"Mama?"
"What, baby?" Amanda asks as she closes the door on the dishwasher after cleaning up their late breakfast.
"What's a lesbian?"
"Uh, why?" The detective sits down next to Jesse then, confused about where this is coming from.
"Because I told George that Abby was my girlfriend and he called me a lesbian."
"Huh."
"So, what is it?"
From the corner of her eye, she sees Olivia lean back in her chair, coffee mug in hand and with a grin on her face that speaks volumes. The captain is amused.
"Well, it's when a woman falls in love with other women, instead of a man."
"But I'm not in love with Abby. She's my friend. I just like playing with her."
"Like mother, like daughter." Olivia mutters under her breath with a slight chuckle at the end and Amanda makes a mental note to punch her in the arm the next time they're alone.
"Then maybe she's just your friend. But when you fall in love one day, it doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl. You can love whoever you want, sweetie." Amanda smiles as she runs a hand through Jesse's long hair.
"Whoever?"
"Mhm, well, as long as you're not related."
Her daughter nods a couple of times, apparently accepting her mother's simple explanation. For a short moment, Amanda thinks the conversation might be over, until the little girl opens her mouth again.
"Do you want a girlfriend or a boyfriend?"
She finally turns to look at Olivia, unable to hide the pleading look on her face. Help. But after a deep breath, she looks back at Jesse. "I don't really care if they're a boy or a girl. So both?"
"At the same time?"
From the other side of the table, Olivia covers her laugh with a fake cough, unknowingly granting herself a second punch to the arm.
"No. No, that's not what I meant. One at a time is enough."
"I think you should get a girlfriend."
"Why?"
"Because girls are prettier than boys." The five year old says it so matter of factly that Amanda can't stop the chuckle that rumbles up from her chest before she looks at Olivia again. "You're not wrong, Jesse. They are really pretty."
"What about you, Noah?" The captain says as she lifts one side of Noah's headphones away from his ear, interrupting the game he's currently playing on the iPad. "Do you want a boyfriend or a girlfriend?"
"Ew! Neither." He says, looking just a little bothered, before moving the headphones back in place.
"Just like I thought."
"So, in conclusion," Amanda sighs as she throws out her arms, "everyone in this room has commitment issues."
"What is that?" Jesse asks then, apparently not missing a beat.
"Something you'll probably talk to your therapist about when you're a grownup." The blonde says, with a hint of sarcasm in her voice. She's about to get up for a much needed refill of her coffee when she realizes her mistake.
"What's a therapist?"
Before Amanda can answer, Olivia beats her to it. "Someone you pay to listen to your problems."
When their eyes lock, she's relieved to find that the woman on the other side of the table clearly meant it as a joke and not as a cruel punchline. "Seriously?" She mouths towards the brunette.
"What? Your words, not mine." Olivia shrugs.
I should probably start paying someone to listen to my problems again, she thinks late in the afternoon, as she reaches for her phone inside her pocket and turns the volume as high as it can go.
With Frannie running next to her, she's stuck somewhere between the guilt from leaving Olivia alone with three kids, high on sugar and not at all ready for bed, and the relief from finally getting some time alone. When she first suggested this trip, she didn't take into account just how challenging it would be to hide certain things from a certain captain. She had been naïve, thinking that a few days would be easy. A few days of just pretending to be normal and healthy, I can do that, right?
But she's just too deep in. Too stuck in her patterns and habits and rules.
So Amanda runs. Harder and faster than she has in a long time. It feels like her lungs are one fire, and her bad knee is killing her, but it doesn't matter, because for three days straight she has just fucked up too many times. Allowed herself too much.
She keeps picturing the overwhelmingly large plate of food that Olivia had placed in front of her a little more than an hour ago. "Can you finish it this time? For me?"
Anything and everything for you, Liv.
But Olivia isn't around right now. She isn't around to watch Amanda hunch over and empty her stomach under the partially clouded night sky. She isn't around to watch the detective get on her knees and use the stream of water running next to the track to wash away the taste of bile mixed with homemade fajitas. And she isn't around to hear Amanda cry when she realizes just how far away from normal and healthy she is right now.
"Sorry you had to see that, Frannie." She eventually says with a husky voice as she gives the dog a few gentle pats on the back. "Help your mama get back to the cabin? Preferably alive."
When she finally returns, Amanda stops when she's no more than fifteen feet away from the door and the big windows. The door is open and slightly familiar piano music is playing.
Inside, Olivia is dancing slowly with a sleeping Billie in her arms. The toddler has her little head rested on the captain's shoulders, looking as content and calm as Amanda has ever seen her. There's something about the combination of the evening lights, the music and the scene in front of her that brings tears to her eyes.
How fucked up am I if I can't get healthy for them? Shouldn't this be enough?
She swallows hard, willing the lump currently stuck in her throat away, as she moves towards the open door.
"Thought you didn't dance, Liv." It's barely above a whisper, so she won't wake her sleeping daughter.
"I made an exception for this one." Olivia whispers back with a smile on her face. "The other two are finally asleep, but Billie here was a little restless tonight."
"Sorry, should've been her to help." Amanda folds her arms as she feels herself sway just a little. But she's currently too consumed by guilt to care about how unsteady her body is.
"Are you kidding me? I miss these late nights with Noah, as tired as I was." She gently rubs Billie's back as she places a kiss against her temple. "But she is getting a little heavy in my arms, so you go jump in the shower and I'll get her down for the night."
As soon as she enters the bathroom, she realizes that something is wrong. Very wrong. She's been dizzy before, but this feels different. The tiny black spots in front of her eyes are moving faster and faster and it's impossible to get her eyes to focus on anything. She reaches out for the wall next to her for support, but the wall isn't there to catch her.
And then, everything turns dark.
"Amanda?" The voice sounds so far away, like someone is calling out for her from behind a million doors. "You ok?"
I don't think so.
"Jesus… Amanda." It's still far away, but she can vaguely sense that someone is touching her shoulder, and then the hand is suddenly shaking her back to consciousness.
"Honey, can you hear me?"
"Hm..." She groans a little as she slowly opens her eyes to see that Olivia is hovering over her.
"Are you ok? What the hell just happened?"
"I'm..." Amanda tries to move, but the room is still spinning around her. "Must've passed out." She squeezes her eyes shut to make the spinning stop.
"Did you throw up?" Olivia asks with confusion in her voice as she stares down at the detective's shirt where she has suddenly noticed a few questionable stains. But there are no signs of vomit anywhere else.
"Wh- No… No." She opens her eyes again, relieved that the room is now spinning less violently, but panicked by Olivia's sudden interrogation.
"Amanda."
I can still fix this.
"Look, I got sick on my run. Probably should've waited a little longer after dinner." The blonde peers up at Olivia then to see if her lie was successfully executed. Her stomach drops when her blue eyes locks with brown and she realizes that no, she didn't fix this.
She watches as tears start to well up in the captain's eyes.
Shit.
"Oh my god." Olivia whispers. "How… How can I have been so blind?"
Fuck.
"Liv…" Amanda's voice cracks as she moves to sit herself up. She reaches out a hand to grab Olivia's, and her heart breaks when she notices that the brunette hesitates before she takes it.
"How can I have been so stupid?"
She looks down at their tangled hands as a tear rolls down her cheek. "This… isn't about you." Amanda mumbles.
"I see you every day. We… I work with you. I sleep with you. How can-"
"This is not about you." The detective says again, but her words are painfully ignored as Olivia lets go of her hand and lifts herself up before she starts pacing back and forth on the white tiles.
"I should've known. I know the signs for christ's sake, I mean, I've noticed that you've lost weight, but I just thought that-"
Please, Liv. Please, just stop. Just shut up.
"Why didn't you tell me? I would've been there for you. Why didn't you trust me?"
Enough. Enough. Enough!
A loud and piercing sob fills the room as Amanda's flat hand comes down hard on the floor next to her. "Goddamnit, Liv! This is NOT ABOUT YOU!"
MANHATTAN PSYCHIATRIC CENTER
"I'd like to go back to what we talked about last time. What you said about forgiveness."
"About detective Rollins?"
"Mhm." The redhead nods and gives Henry an encouraging smile.
"I just want to talk to her. And ask for forgiveness. Because that's important, so that we can both move on."
"Forgiveness is important, that's exactly right, Henry." The woman says. "And if she was here right now, what would you tell her?"
"That I'm sorry for what I did. And that I didn't mean to scare her, or her daughter."
"You know… I've been doing this for a long time, and I know that you really mean it when you say that you're sorry."
"I wish I could tell her in person, though."
"Anything is possible, Henry."
He smiles then, because even if the woman sitting in front of him doesn't know it, she just made the first few details of his plans for Amanda Rollins so stunningly clear.
A/N: Ooof. This hurt to write.
We'll get back to what's currently going on between Olivia and Amanda in chapter 11, but first a much needed lighthearted break as we go back to May 2015 to see what happened after Noah's adoption party.
