A/N: I was super tired last night when I posted chapter 9 and totally forgot to add something to the A/N – Thank you, thank you, thank you to my friends on Twitter for encouraging me and helping me when I'm stuck, and for the super sweet shout-out that made my day. While I am having a lot of fun with this, it's definitely the most challenging fic I've written. Both because I have 22 years of experience with eating disorders so it's personal, but also because of the constant time jumps/back and forth. Anyways, thank you for reading and following a long. I know it's bumpy.

Now, back to the story: This is set at the end of S16E23 – Surrendering Noah.

CHAPTER 10 – MAY 2015

"Want help cleaning up when they leave?" Amanda says as she joins Olivia in the kitchen. She keeps her voice low so the rest of the party won't hear her, because this isn't really a conversation about cleaning up a after a party.

I want to sleep in your bed tonight.

"You're not leaving with Nick?" Olivia responds with one eyebrow raised, her voice equally low and clearly picking up on what they're really talking about.

I'm a detective, too. I know you've been sleeping with him.

"Just because I came here with him, doesn't mean I'm going home with him."

Thank god.

"I want you to stay."

"Good." Amanda smiles and as she turns to walk back into the living room she subtly lets her hand run down Olivia's back, just to confirm that they're on the same page.

"You know," The brunette says as she walks out of the bathroom with Noah on her hip a couple of hours later, "when you offered to clean, I didn't think you would actually do it."

"What? Gotta earn my stay, right?" The blonde quips as she puts away the last champagne glass. "Speaking of staying, do you have something I can wear? I like to breathe and I can't really do that in this dress."

"Second drawer in my dresser." Olivia nods in the direction of her bedroom before she disappears into Noah's room to put her son to bed.

When she comes out fifteen minutes later, she finds Amanda slouched down on the couch, apparently lost in her own thoughts while scrolling on her phone. And she can't help but notice how it looks like she belongs there. Like it would be weird to come out and not find her in her living room, wearing her clothes. The sergeant quietly leans against the wall without moving her eyes away from the detective.

Things have been both good and strange lately. Stressful and peaceful at the same time. Stressful around them, and peaceful between them. One second she finds herself wishing that everything can stay just like this, the other, she just knows that they won't. And at the end of the day, she's just trying to convince herself that maybe a change would be good, and necessary.

But not tonight. Tonight, she just wants to be here, alone, with her.

"What?" The detective asks a little timidly when she notices that the brunette is looking at her.

"Nothing... Just... You look cute in my sweats. Speaking of, I've been wearing this dress for like ten hours, I'll join you in a minute."

"So, how does it feel? Now that it's official?" Amanda asks when Olivia hands her a glass of wine and sits down next to her.

"Surreal. I'm kinda still waiting for something to go wrong. Someone to call and tell me there's been a mistake. I can't believe I'm... finally a mom." There's a slight tremble in her voice, which makes Amanda reach out her hand to let it rest on Olivia's shoulder.

"Liv, I was in that room when you picked up Noah for the first time. That's when you became a mom. It was written all over your face. You picked that boy up with your entire heart."

"Jeez, Rollins, I thought I was all cried out today."

"When are you ever cried out?"

"Never, apparently." The sergeant half laughs, half cries as she wipes away a tear. "Speaking of crying… Nick is leaving."

Amanda clears her throat while moving her hand away, because this suddenly turned into a very different kind of conversation. "I know. He told me."

"How do you feel about that?"

"I never had feelings for him if that's what you're asking. It was just… casual."

"Like us?" If it hadn't been for the slight anxiousness in Olivia's voice, it would've hurt to hear her ask something like that. Especially with the way things have been between them lately.

"No, not like us." She takes a deep breath and two rather large sips of her wine to gather enough courage to keep going. "You and I… I don't know what we are. But it's not just sex. At least… I don't think it is. But sometimes, I just need something that doesn't feel so complicated. You and I… We're a little complicated, Liv."

It's the most forthcoming she has ever been about what she's feeling and for a second it feels like she's going to be sick.

"I get it." Olivia says, and it's the way she says it that leaves Amanda to think that the brunette is confessing to something.

"So, I'm not the only one?"

"There is someone else." And there it is. "I'm not ready to tell you who it is, yet. And I don't know what that is, either. Jesus, I just adopted a kid and I'm a mess."

As much as it sucks to hear that there's someone else in Olivia's life, Amanda knows that she has absolutely no right to be jealous, because she's been doing the exact same thing. So she wills away the slight nausea and lets it go.

Tonight, I'm here.

"You're not a mess, Liv. You're just human, and it's ok. We're ok." She reaches out her hand again and this time she goes for the other woman's thigh, instead of her shoulder.

Enough talk.

"So... did you want to stay just to talk... or?"

Amanda smirks at Olivia's not so subtle comment and the way she has apparently just read her mind, before she moves closer on the couch until she's straddling her. She leans in a little closer, barely brushing her lips against the brunette's.

"You tell me."

"Hmm." Olivia hums as their lips finally meet and she lets her arms come around the detective's waist. "I've definitely missed... talking to you." She admits before continuing the kiss. "But, I'm on my period, so this might be a... one-sided conversation."

"So the menopause you were worried about a couple of months ago?"

"Ugh." Olivia groans. "Don't say stuff like that out loud, it makes me sound so old."

"A, you were the one who told me about it in the first place, and B… You don't feel very old to me." The detective whispers the last words next to her ear as her hands start to roam down her arms, and up her sides before they lightly graze over her breasts.

"Says the thirty five year old sitting on top of me."

"Just shut up and kiss me."

Amanda doesn't quite know what it is about kissing Olivia, but after three years, she still gets this weird and intense flutter in her stomach when their lips touch. And when their tongues brush against each other, careful at first before they both melt into it, she still get just a little dizzy from the high.

"Wanna maybe move this into the bedroom or…?"

The detective shakes her head then.

She doesn't know why, but her entire body feels different tonight. It's like she's driving solely on need and need only, and as patient as she can sometimes force herself to be, she doesn't have it in her to wait. "No." Amanda grabs the hand currently rested on her hip and moves it inside of the black sweatpants that are just a little too big for her. "Fuck me like this."

As soon as Olivia touches her, the brunette leans back and looks at her wide-eyed. "Shit." She whispers. "You're-"

"Wet. I know."

It would've almost been embarrassing if she hadn't felt so on edge, so goddamn desperate.

"I just… haven't felt you like this before."

Amanda knows that she's right. Because she hasn't felt like this before either. In the back of her mind, there's a small voice telling her that there might be a reason why her senses seem to be just a little more heightened tonight, but she successfully pushes the voice away when Olivia starts to move her fingers.

"I… I really need to come, Liv." She says as she starts rocking her hips against Olivia's hand. "Just let me come." And three minutes later she gets exactly what she wants.

"Now we can go to bed." The blonde laughs breathlessly while resting her forehead against the other woman's shoulder. She's unable to get rid of the tired smile on her face when she lifts her head and leans back.

But Olivia isn't moving. "What the hell was that?" Her expression is a mix of shock and amusement.

Amanda ignores the slight blush that spreads across her cheeks. "I honestly have no idea. I've been turned on for a week now, it's been driving me crazy honestly."

"Yeah… I could feel that." The sergeant chuckles. "Ok, let's get that crazy ass of yours to bed."

They've only been asleep for a couple of hours when Noah's cries on the baby monitor wakes them both up. "Sorry." Olivia whispers as she starts to get out of bed, but she's stopped when Amanda places a hand on her shoulder.

"Let me."

"You sure? He usually falls back asleep pretty quickly if you just bounce around for a few minutes."

"Got it." Amanda says as she leans in and places a quick kiss on her cheek. "Sleep. You need it."

"Hey there, mister." She rubs her eyes before she lifts him up from the crib. "Couldn't sleep, huh? I get it. Big day for you." He looks at her with his big eyes and for a moment Amanda worries that he's going to burst out crying again since she isn't Olivia. But her worry is short-lived because suddenly he bumps his forehead into hers and calms down in her arms.

"Let's go for a little walk, sweet boy."

She walks them through the door and stops only when they're standing next to the windows in Olivia's living room. Looking out and over the big city that never sleeps.

"One day when you're older, your mama might tell you this story, but for now just humor me and let me be the first to tell you all about it, ok?" Amanda bounces him lightly as she rubs his back with her hand.

"She fell in love with you the moment she laid eyes on you. And I know, I know, that sounds a little cheesy, but it's the truth, Noah. She really did, I was there to see it happen. And ever since that day, she has loved you so, so much. She has missed you every second you've been apart from each other, and I know that this is the happiest day of her life. And you did that, little man. You made her happier than I have ever seen her, and I just wanted to say thank you. Because she really deserves it."

She suspects that the little boy has fallen back asleep already with the way he has turned heavy in her arms, but she keeps bouncing because she's just not quite ready to put him back to bed.

"I also need you to know, that I will always have your mama's back. Hers and yours. Always. No matter what happens between us. You see, things are a little confusing right now, but I'll be around no matter what. I know she will always be there to protect you, but if for some reason she can't, I'll gladly take her place. You're a loved boy, sweet Noah." Amanda whispers the last words as she turns around and slowly walks them back to his bedroom.

The detective glances down at him one last time and smiles. "Now, if you could let us sleep for just a few more hours, that would be great. I'm actually really, really tired."

She is just about to step away from the crib when the thought hits her.

Noah. Baby. I'm really tired. More than usual. Liv is on her period. I'm not. I'm late.

I'm very late.

A/N: Everyone say "hello Jesse."

All though some might disagree, and we will never know for sure, I'm pretty convinced Liv was sleeping with Tucker by the end of S16. And as we all know, Amanda takes her pregnancy test during the S17 premier which is set in June 2015.

Just wanted to clear that up if anyone felt a little confused by the timeline of certain events.

Ok. Next chapter: We're back at the cabin and a heavy, loaded and painful conversation nine years in the making is about to happen. I cried a little while working on it (but I cry all the time, so take that with a grain of salt).