A/N: The hurt continues. This chapter is basically just one very long, very painful conversation.

As you might've noticed I sometimes add a couple of songs in the A/N. Music is essential when I write and most chapters have their own soundtrack, depending on what I listened to while I wrote it. So for this chapter, I used "90 Days" by Pink/Wrabel for Amanda's POV and "Deep End" by Birdy for Olivia's. Both songs kinda sums up how they're feeling.

TW: Eating disorder.

Ok. Deep breaths.

CHAPTER 11 – JULY 2021

"Goddamnit, Liv! This is NOT ABOUT YOU!"

She's covering her face with her hands now and doesn't notice how her sudden outburst makes Olivia stumble backwards and lean against the sink.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Amanda cries while still covering her face. "I'm sorry."

"Ok. Ok, honey." Olivia whispers as she takes a few careful steps towards her before she kneels down on the floor. "What... Tell me what to do. I don't know what to do."

"Let me take a shower. And then... we can talk."

She doesn't want to talk. Not about this, not about anything really. But, she knows that it's the only way to fix what has just been broken. What I broke.

"I don't know if I should let you be alone in here."

"It's ok. I'm ok."

The captain obviously doesn't trust her, and Amanda knows that she has no reason to. But she's desperate for ten minutes alone, just to muster up enough courage and energy to do what's needed of her.

"Just give me a few minutes, please."

She feels marginally more grounded afterwards, dressed in a clean and comfortable sweater and her favorite denim shorts. And when she steps outside on the patio, looking at Olivia who is sitting on one of the sun beds with a glass of wine in her hand and one waiting on the table next to her, the detective almost forgets about what just happened.

She grants herself five seconds to pretend that this is just another perfect night. Kids sleeping, the summer air still warm despite the dark that has settled around them. Just her and the woman she loves. No heavy conversations looming, no secrets to come between them and possibly break them forever.

Amanda can't get herself to face her, so she grabs the wine before she walks over to the edge of the pool where she sits down and slowly lowers her naked legs into the water.

With her back turned to the brunette, she lifts the glass to her lips, closes her eyes and gives herself one last moment of peace.

"It hasn't always been this bad. It kinda comes and goes."

"When did it start?"

"When I was fourteen." Behind her, it sounds like Olivia's breath hitches just a little and she looks up at the dark sky to blink away her tears.

"You've been doing this for twenty seven years?"

That tone. Stop talking to me like I'm a goddamn suspect.

"Like I said, it comes and goes."

"Is it a weight thing? Cause... you're beautiful, Amanda. If anything you should gain like twenty pounds, at least."

She clenches her jaw in an attempt to keep herself as calm as possible. "It's not a weight thing. Well... Not really. I mean, I don't want to gain anything, I don't think I need it-"

"You do."

"It's more about control." The blonde says, ignoring Olivia's remark that somehow only makes it worse. "And I know, that sounds like an oxymoron, but it is what it is. And it's also about... punishment."

"Punishment? For what?"

"For being me." The words comes out mumbled, but the woman behind her must've heard it because Olivia gets up from the sunbed then and walks over to where Amanda is sitting. She quietly rolls up her sweatpants and sits down next to her.

"What can you have possibly done to deserve this?"

"It's not about what I've done. It's about who I am."

"You mean an amazing mother? A brilliant detective? A fiercely loyal friend?"

The detective finally turns to look at her then. "You don't get it."

"I want to."

There's something so fragile and soft and caring in her words that makes the guilt so much worse. If Amanda thought she knew what hating herself feels like, it's nothing compared to this.

"I know." She whispers just as one single tear finally manages to escape the confines of her tired eyes. When Olivia reaches out a hand to wipe the tear away, she leans into the touch and takes a deep, trembling breath. "I'm so tired."

She knows that the woman sitting next to her probably thinks that she's just talking about being sick, but the painful truth is so much worse. And Amanda is pretty sure that if she doesn't get to say what she needs to say, she might just not survive the night.

She gets up and walks over to the sunbeds, refills her glass and sits down. "What are we doing here, Liv? Honestly."

Olivia turns to look at her before she lifts herself up. "I thought part of the reason we went on this trip was to talk about that."

"Yeah, but we've been here for three days now, with plenty of time to talk, but we never do. We never actually talk about us."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is."

"Fine." The brunette says with a hint of resignation in her voice. She sits down on the other sunbed and throws her arms out. "Let's talk."

"I need to know what you want. What we're doing. Cause this, being just a comfort fuck... it's getting kinda old."

"Jesus, Amanda. We're at a goddamn cabin in New Hampshire with our kids, do you really think this is still just a comfort fuck for me?"

"I don't know! That's the problem."

"You were never just a comfort fuck. That's the real problem."

"Why? Is it that awful to have feelings for me?"

"No! But I... I don't do relationships. You know how it turns out. You've been there through all of it. You see what happens with me when things get serious."

"That's the point, Liv!" She gets up from where she's sitting because it's impossible to stay still now. She needs to move. "I've been here through all of it. I sat on the sidelines and watched as you jumped into bed with Cassidy, and then Tucker and probably a few others you never told me about, but I didn't leave." She places a hand over her heart to let Olivia know exactly how much it hurts. "I'm still here!"

"Don't act like I'm the only one who did that. What about Nick? You had a kid with Murphy. You almost married Al for Christ's sake. You think that was easy for me? I hated the thought of you with anyone else."

"So what's your plan, huh? We're just gonna keep on having this... affair or whatever the fuck this is? Meet someone else but keep showing up at each other's doors when life gets a little rough?"

"No! I... I don't know."

"That, right there." Amanda says as she points a finger at her. "That's how we talk about us. And we've been doing it for nine fucking years, Liv! Saying 'I don't know' when things get complicated and we get too scared."

"Because it's terrifying! Don't you get it? I'm terrified!" The brunette gets up with the glass still in her hand, making some of the wine spill over and land down by her feet.

"Of what? Me?"

"Us! This! I don't think you realize just how goddamn scary it is to love you."

"Gee, thanks."

"I didn't mean it like that." Olivia drags a hand through her hair and Amanda can feel the frustration coming from her, it's like she can see it radiate between them, like waves.

"If something happened to you, I couldn't... I couldn't do it. Or if we do this, like for real, actually do this... What if something goes wrong and we break up and we can't work together anymore? And it's not just you I would lose. I'd lose Jesse and Billie, too." Her chin is quivering now and it makes Amanda look away, because she just can't carry Olivia's emotions on top of her own.

"And I'd lose Noah."

"I screw up every relationship that I'm in, so why would I suddenly be able to make this work? And now that I know that you're sick, I'm just gonna worry constantly, more than I already do."

"Don't." She says as their eyes meet again. "Don't throw that in my face. I've been dealing with that since long before we met, and when has that ever stopped me from being there for you, huh? When has it ever stopped me from doing everything in my power to protect you, to care about you?"

"It's not... It's not about that. But you're fucking killing yourself, Amanda! You were passed out in the bathroom less than an hour ago and you act like it's nothing."

"I'll get help, I promise." She knows that she in no way sound convincing, but as she says the words out loud, she realizes that she doesn't really have an option anymore. The blonde wraps her arms around herself, waiting for Olivia to say something. But she doesn't, and after everything that's been said between them tonight, it's her silence that hurts the most.

"You said that you loved me. That night, when you surprised me at home, you said "I love you, too."

"I did."

"As a friend?"

"Do you really think I meant that as just a friend? Do you even realize how stupid that sounds?"

"No. What's stupid is you thinking that we can just keep doing this. Or stop whenever we want."

"I don't-"

"Maybe I should get knocked up again, that'll buy us another good year where we can pretend that we don't have feelings for each other."

"Just stop, Amanda. And for the record, that wasn't me pretending, that was me trying to do the right thing even though it was killing me."

"What happened after that god awful trial, right after I had Billie, that felt like the right thing to you?"

"Are you seriously using that against me?"

"No, I'm not using it against you. I'm asking if that was you trying to do the right thing. Cause it didn't feel right to me."

"Wait... Are you saying you didn't want that?" Olivia's slightly flushed face suddenly turns a ghostly shade of white. "Are you saying that... that I raped you?"

"No! God, no! This is so messed up."

"Then what?"

"You were there. Do I really have to spell it out?"

"I know, that night was... that what we did… And I know I didn't stay. But that doesn't mean that I didn't want to. And by the way, maybe you didn't physically kick me out of bed, but you made it perfectly clear that you wanted to forget it ever happened."

"Yes! Because I hurt you, and you hurt me, and it didn't feel like us. But after everything we've been through, if I showed up at your door and did that, and then I just left, how would that make you feel?" Amanda angrily wipes away her tears and lifts the glass to her mouth. "Cause that night? What we did? You made me feel like a fucking whore."

While she's emptying her glass, she watches as the words she just said makes Olivia's face twist into a pained expression.

"Fuck!" The brunette cries out as she covers her face with her hands.

"Yeah, apparently that's the only thing we know how to do."

"That is not true, Amanda!" Olivia is almost screaming the words as she sends her a glare that somehow makes the warm summer night turn ice cold. "Don't tell me that's the only thing we know how to do. We've practically raised our kids together. You're one of the best detectives I've ever worked with and we do talk. Maybe not about us, but we talk. And we respect each other and love each other, don't we? So don't you dare turn this into something it's not."

"You're right. I'm sorry." And she means it. She knows she just overstepped. She knows Olivia is right, that they are so much more than what she just insinuated with her thoughtless words. "Liv, I'm sorry."

Amanda takes a few steps to close the gut wrenching distance between them, and all she wants in that moment is to erase the last few hours from her memory. She wants to take it all back, make everything better and go back to pretending that this push and pull relationship isn't tearing her apart.

She grabs the glass in Olivia's hand and puts it down on the ground next to them, and then she carefully laces their hands together. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Any of that. I know that night… that entire day, it was awful for both of us. I know we didn't really want to hurt each other."

Olivia nods a couple of times, but it's impossible to read her face and Amanda has no idea if her apology made any difference or if it was too late.

"I think… I think I wanna go to bed. Get some sleep." Her voice is so flat and distant that the detective knows there's absolutely no point in pushing this any further tonight. And if she's being honest with herself, she doesn't really have the energy needed to do it.

"Ok."

They move around each other in complete silence as they get ready for bed. It feels like being in a giant maze, she realize as she glances over at Olivia when she stops next to the bed and starts to undress. There's just no obvious way out of this. When they're finally settled and facing each other, she finds herself searching those brown eyes to see if there's an exit in there somewhere. A way out of this mess.

"Come here." Olivia eventually says, motioning for Amanda to move towards her. She hesitates, but only for a moment before she lets herself be wrapped in the other woman's arms. She rests her head against her chest and closes her eyes, silently crying from the exhaustion, and from not knowing if they'll survive this.

She can't decide if what happened tonight has somehow brought them closer, or if it was just the first crack in what will eventually turn into a massive sinkhole that at some point is going to drag them down, essentially ruining whatever chance they ever had of being happy together.

"I love you." She hears herself whisper against Olivia's skin, now wet from her tears. She doesn't know if it's a desperate attempt to salvage what has been broken. What she does know, is that the seconds it takes for Olivia to respond might be the longest seconds of her life. She holds her breath and squeezes her eyes shut as the silence in the room threatens to suffocate her completely.

"I love you, too."

A/N: Is everyone ok? I'm not.