A/N: Again, I have to thank my friends on Twitter for helping me out when I was stuck (I think you know who you are by now, lol.)

We're back in 2015, and this is me trying to give you all a little breather after the pain that was chapter 11. This is set after the deleted scene when the squad brought Amanda and Jesse home from the hospital.

CHAPTER 12 – NOVEMBER 2015

"You know, I've been on my own most of my life, I really don't need you to make me dinner." Amanda lets out a heavy puff as she tries to get comfortable on the couch with Jesse in her arms. It's proving to be a bit of a challenge with the way her body feels like it's been through a meat grinder. "And don't you need to get home to Noah?"

"He's fine, he's spending the night at Lucy's anyway."

Lucy.

"I need to get a nanny." She mumbles, more to herself than to the woman who is currently moving around in her kitchen.

"Yeah, unless you're planning on becoming a stay at home mom?"

Amanda lets out a slightly nervous laugh before she looks down at the tiny human she's still having a hard time understanding how she was somehow able to make. "Can't I just bring her to work every day?"

"Of course." Olivia snickers. "I can totally see you with a stroller, chasing perps."

"It could work. I run pretty fast."

"You have no food in your house, Rollins. I can do a lot of things but I can't make dinner on oatmeal and expired yoghurt."

"Look, I'll just order some takeout. Go home, Liv."

"God, you're stubborn." The sergeant shakes her head in frustration before she grabs her jacket. "Here's what's gonna happen. I'll go buy you some groceries and you get comfortable with Jesse. I'll be back in like fifteen minutes."

Amanda is just about to protest again when Olivia holds up her hand. "No, if you've just had a placental abruption, you don't get a say in this."

"Fine." The blonde says with a sigh. Her eyes fall back to Jesse then and as tired as she is, she can't help but light up at the sight of her daughter who is currently blinking herself awake. "Is aunty Olivia the bossiest person in the whole wide world? I think she is."

"Heard that."

"I meant you to." Amanda calls back with a smile on her face without looking away.

As soon as the door closes behind the brunette a weird silence settles around her. At first it feels like a relief after spending days in a busy hospitals without any peace and quiet. But it doesn't take long before the harsh reality creeps up on her.

I'm alone. With a baby. And I have to get a nanny. And I don't even have food. And I have to make sure that this baby survives every single day. I can't even take care of myself. Shit.

She looks around the apartment and back at Jesse. "I guess it's just us now, huh? Think I can do this without screwing up? Because I'm not so sure."

As the last words come out, so does an abrupt and very loud screech from her daughter who is suddenly fully awake and looking like she shares all of her mother's fears and worries.

"Oh, it's ok, baby. I didn't mean it. I'm sure we'll be fine." Amanda moves to get up but her fatigued and aching body protests immediately and she leans back on the couch, feeling completely helpless while carefully bouncing Jesse in her arms.

"Shhh, please don't cry." She sniffles. "I don't know how to do this." She moves a little, lifts her shirt, unhooks her bra, and watches with clouded eyes as Jesse latches on to her breast.

She remembers reading somewhere that breastfeeding was supposed to be this euphoric experience, but the euphoria is lost on her because she's completely oblivious to the fact that she's doing everything right. Instead she's too busy thinking of everything she's not ready for, thinking about how she isn't prepared and that she has no idea what it means to be a mother.

As Jesse happily continues her meal, entirely unaware of her mother's ongoing crisis, Amanda cries. And she is still crying five minutes later when Olivia walks through the door.

"Ok, you should have enough food and diapers for at least-" The brunette looks up when she hears the other woman's quiet sobs. "Hey, hey, Amanda, what's wrong?" She quickly places all the bags on the counter and rushes over to where the detective is sitting.

"I can't have a baby, Liv."

"Uhm, hate to break it to you, but you kinda already do." Olivia says with a slightly crooked smile as she sits down next to her.

"I don't even have food here, you said it yourself."

"You have food now. Amanda, relax. It's gonna be ok."

"No... No... I can't do this." She shakes her head and sniffles again, worried she'll disturb Jesse if she raises her hand to wipe her runny nose.

"Yes, you can."

"But I'm all alone."

"No, you're not. I'm here. The entire squad is here. You're not alone, sweetie. You're not doing this on your own."

Amanda nods, but she doesn't look reassured at all as her tears continue to fall. "What if... What if I turn into my own mother?"

Olivia gives her a sympathetic smile as she gets up to grab a tissue. "You won't. But I promise I'll punch you in the face if you do, ok?"

"Ok." The blonde says, kinda hoping that Olivia actually means it.

The sergeant sits back down and gently pats Amanda's face with the tissue. "Did something happen while I was gone?"

"She cried and I just... I didn't know what to do. And I just realized that I'm doing this by myself. I mean, yeah, I have you guys, but you can't be here all the time."

"You're gonna be fine, Amanda. Look at you, and look at her." Olivia says as she gestures towards Jesse who looks perfectly content, pressed against Amanda's breast. "You know exactly what to do. And for tonight, you won't be alone. Because I'm staying."

"What? No." But she doesn't mean it, she immediately wants her to stay, and it doesn't matter that it makes her feel both pathetic and needy.

"Yes, I am. I can sleep on the couch."

"Don't be ridiculous, you can sleep in my be-" She stops talking when she remembers something the other woman had said. "Wait. You said Noah is staying with Lucy tonight. You had plans didn't you?"

"I'll call and reschedule, it's no big deal."

"You have a date. A date that required Noah to stay with Lucy."

"Amanda-"

"No, I'm not getting in the way of you getting laid." She whispers the last word as if Jesse could somehow understand what her mother is talking about.

"Amanda!" Her voice is stern, but Olivia can't hide the smirk on her face.

"Sorry, sorry, I'm really tired."

"And I'm staying. End of discussion. I just have to call him."

"So it's a he."

"Yes, it's a he." Olivia scoffs and rolls her eyes, like there couldn't have been any other options. She must've noticed the slightly hurt and confused look on Amanda's face because she quickly places a hand on her shoulder. "I didn't mean it like that. It's just… Men are easy. No, that sounded terrible, forget that I said it. But… women scare the crap out of me, ok?"

"Ok." Amanda laughs then, because she's not used to seeing her sergeant so flustered, and she's definitely not used to her admitting to being scared of anything. "We're a little complex, I won't argue with that."

"Yeah, we are." The brunette sighs before she gets up to find her phone. "I'll call him, and then I'm making us dinner."

Yes, ma'am, she thinks, while she watches Olivia disappear into her bedroom to make the call. She doesn't want to be, but she finds herself desperate to find out who it is.

"I'll make you a deal." Amanda says forty-five minutes later, after swallowing the last mouthful of the generous plate with fried rice that Olivia had placed in front of her. "I'll tell you who Jesse's father is, if you tell me who you were seeing tonight."

"Seriously? Are we trading secrets like teenagers now?"

"Humor me, will ya? The next couple of months will be nothing but breast milk and diapers for me, give me something juicy. I won't tell anyone."

"Fine." Olivia says with resignation in her voice as she lets her head fall back before she looks back at the blonde. "On three?"

Amanda smiles and nods triumphantly. "One, two, Murphy." "Tucker."

They gasp in unison as they stare wide-eyed at each other, Amanda looking just a bit more surprised than the sergeant. "Explain." Olivia finally says when they have both somewhat recovered from the immediate shock.

The detective shrugs. "There's not a lot to explain, really. Lots of booze, lots of snow."

"You had a baby because you were drunk and… cold?"

"Hey, I didn't exactly plan any of it. And we used a condom but I guess the damn thing didn't work." A guilty look settles on her face then and she glances over at Jesse who is now sleeping peacefully in her new cradle. "Sorry, baby, I'm glad you're here."

"Does he even know?"

"He knows."

"And is he gonna be around at all, to help?"

"This is Declan Murphy we're talking about. He's gonna be deep UC until he's forced into retirement. But he sends money, even though I told him not to, and we talked on the phone when I was in the hospital. I'm definitely not looking for a relationship with him, but if he wants to get involved at some point, I'm not gonna stop him. Jesse deserves to know who her father is."

"Ok, then. Now I know."

"And now you owe me."

"Huh?" Olivia says with a blank expression on her face as she starts cleaning away their empty plates.

"Oh, screw you." Amanda scoffs at the brunette's faux ignorance. "Tucker. Sit back down and explain yourself." She doesn't care that she sounds just a little jealous and maybe a little possessive. They are after all talking about a man who has a record of trying to end both of their careers.

"Unexpected and unplanned." Olivia finally gives in and sits back down. "A few dates that I didn't really think of as dates, that turned into a one night stand that turned into a few real dates, that turned into something else."

"You're in love with him?"

"I'm... I'm not sure. I don't know. He makes me happy."

That's all I need to know.

"Good. That's good, Liv." She smiles. "I mean it."

And she really does. As much as she has missed Olivia, and whatever they had before the pregnancy, and as much as she loves her, life is complicated enough right now. And at the end of the day, she just wants Olivia to be as happy and content as possible.

"Thanks." The brunette returns the smile and reaches over the table to grab her hand. "That means a lot, coming from you."

Sleep has never come easy for Amanda, but with Jesse sleeping peacefully in the crib that Carisi had set up while she was in the hospital, and with Olivia on the other side of the bed, it takes her less than two minutes to succumb to a deep slumber.

She's momentarily confused when a soft voice wakes her up a few hours later. "Amanda?" Olivia says as she gently rubs her back.

"Hm?"

"I think someone needs you."

The blonde turns around then and rubs her eyes before sitting herself up. She looks over at Olivia who is currently smiling down at a slightly restless Jesse.

The guilt is immediate. "Why didn't I wake up?"

"You didn't get the chance, I was already awake when she started to stir." She carefully moves Jesse over and into Amanda's arms. "I changed her, but I think she's hungry and my boobs can only do so much."

"You haven't slept?" She asks with worry in her voice as she gets Jesse settled and lifts her oversized T-shirt.

"To be honest, I haven't really slept since everything that happened when... when you went into labor."

The tears on Olivia's face are so unexpected and she desperately wants to reach over and hug her, but finds herself pretty much stuck in her current position. "Liv..."

"I'm sorry. You're the one who's exhausted and just gave birth. I was just... really scared, Amanda."

"Hey, I'm fine. Everything is fine."

"I know." She wipes her tears away, lets her head rest on Amanda's shoulder and watches as Jesse bobs her little head a few times before her mouth finally finds what it's looking for.

And there it is, Amanda realize, the euphoria. With Jesse relaxed, healthy and safe, snuggled up against her chest, and Olivia on her shoulder. It just feels so peaceful, and she's convinced that it's the most intimate moment she will ever share with anyone.

She isn't really thinking when she leans back a little and turns her head.

"Liv?"

"Hm?" Olivia says, moving slowly to look up at her.

No, wait. Can't ruin this. Best to play it safe. We're good now, and Liv is happy with Tucker. And I'm happy with Jesse. Don't ruin this. But dear lord, I want to kiss her.

"Nothing."

"Amanda." The brunette whispers her name as if she has just read her mind and knows exactly what she wants.

She does nothing and says nothing, as Olivia lifts herself up a little, tilts her head and leans in.

It's so soft and gentle, like the perfect first kiss. We can rewrite history, Amanda thinks as she closes her eyes and feels how her entire body relaxes against the pillows and the woman next to her. This can be our first kiss, first and last. I can live with that.

Olivia pulls back slowly and smiles before she lets her head come back down on her shoulder.

"You ok?"

"Yes. I'm ok. More than ok."

Euphoric.

A/N: Did you enjoy your break? Good. More worry and angst and feelings ahead in chapter 13 and August 2021.