A/N: Takes place after S19E07 - Something Happened. Such a brilliant and gut wrenching episode, definitely a personal favorite of mine.
Dodie - She
Grace Gaustad - Red
CHAPTER 16 - NOVEMBER 2017
"Wh-"
Olivia's tired eyes move around her apartment as her brain tries to make sense of what she's looking at. Her normally cluttered living room is all tidied up, all of her candles are lit, and Amanda, not her nanny, is standing in the kitchen, smiling.
"Welcome home."
"What… What are you doing here?"
"Well, first I scared Lucy half to death when I used the emergency key you gave me to lock myself and Jesse in while she was in the bathroom with Noah." Amanda looks at Olivia with "oops" written all over her face before she continues. "And after making sure she wasn't having a heart attack, I sent her home, fed the kids and put them to bed, and now you're here. And there's pizza and beer."
"Wh- Why?"
"Because you had a very, very long day. And you're exhausted, and you can try and convince me that you're fine, but I know that you're not. So I'm here."
She's barely able to finish the sentence before Olivia has dropped her jacket and her purse, walked towards her with hurried steps and cupped her cheeks. And the next thing she knows the brunette's lips are on hers, clinging to her like the magnets on Olivia's fridge.
"What was that for?" The detective asks slightly out of breath when the lieutenant eventually leans back to look at her with glossy eyes.
"Just... thank you, for being you."
"Ok." Amanda smiles shyly before she clears her throat, trying to recover from the unexpected kiss. "Hungry?"
"Starving. Just let me get changed first, feel like I've been wearing the same clothes for days."
As soon as the bedroom door is closed behind her, every single emotion Olivia has been battling throughout the day comes crushing down, suddenly tearing her apart. There had just been too many triggers. Too many reminders of all the pain she has suffered. And she had been completely defenseless and not at all prepared.
"I feel pure and utter hatred."
I hear you, Laurel. I feel that, too. I've been there.
As her clothes fall to the floor, tears start to fall from her eyes. She isn't sure if she's crying for Laurel and her sister, or for herself. For knowing so well the rage that Laurel expressed, for hating her own father her entire life.
But it doesn't really matter either way. It just hurts.
At some point, Amanda must've started to worry or heard her crying, because she's suddenly in the room with her, wrapping her arms around her waist and pressing their bodies together in a tight hug. "It's ok. Just cry." She whispers against her shoulder. "Get it all out."
Olivia really has no idea how much the detective had heard earlier in the day. But quickly finds that she just doesn't care. She's ok here, in her arms. And she knows that Amanda won't judge her, or pry to deep.
"I'm here." Amanda says, and the lieutenant wonders if the woman behind her knows just how much safety her words carry. After a while the blonde lets go, only to come back thirty seconds later with a pair of sweatpants and a clean T-shirt. Wordlessly she helps Olivia with the clothes before she turns her around and kisses her forehead. "You need to eat."
"I don't know if I can."
"Just get yourself comfortable in bed, and I'll be right back."
Before Olivia can respond, Amanda is out the door and back again after a short minute. Carrying the pizza box and balancing two bottles of beer on top of it.
"My bedroom is gonna smell like pizza for a week because of you." She frowns a little while she props herself up against the pillows in her bed.
"Hey, it's not the worst smell in the world." Amanda argues as she joins her on the bed.
"Say that again after a week of sleeping in it." But her bedroom could smell like pizza for a year and she still wouldn't care. Not when Amanda is sitting cross legged in front of her, handing her a cold beer and looking so incredibly beautiful with a messy bun and wearing one of Olivia's oversized T-shirts.
"I just realized something." The lieutenant says just as a pepperoni falls from her pizza and down in her lap, leaving a small stain on her sweatpants.
"That there's a reason why we don't normally eat in bed?"
"Yes." The brunette laughs as she pointlessly tries to remove the stain with her finger. "And, that we've never actually talked about that whole... coming out thing. You never told me when you knew, what your family knows."
"Seriously? You wanna talk about that tonight?"
"I'm still awake, aren't I? Humor me."
"There's not much to tell, really." Amanda says before taking a swig at her beer. "I guess on some level I always knew I was bi, but I didn't get to… confirm that theory until the academy. And no, my family doesn't know. And they never will."
"Why?"
"I mean, Kim knows and she doesn't care. But my dad is a misogynistic asshole and my mom is a Trump supporter."
"Oh."
"And hey, I'm not saying that every single Trump supporter is homophobic, but she is. And I can already hear her rant about me 'settling down with a nice man'." She emphasizes the last words with a thick southern drawl.
"I'm sorry."
"It is what it is." Amanda shrugs.
Olivia knows that her next question is terribly loaded, but she's too curious to hear Amanda's answer, so she asks it anyway. "But… What if you fall in love with a woman and want to share your life with her. Wouldn't that kind of force you to tell them?"
Amanda puts the half-eaten pizza slice down in the box then before reaching for the tissue box on Olivia's bedside table. "That sounds like a future me problem that I really don't want to deal with before I have to." She says as she cleans her hands.
The lieutenant snickers and gives her a nod of approval. "Excellent tactic that works on almost everything."
"Yup." Amanda grins before she empties her beer, and starts to clean up after their impromptu pizza party in the brunette's bed.
"What about you?" She asks when she comes back and joins Olivia on the bed again.
"I told you women scare the crap out of me, remember?"
Amanda smirks then before she pulls at her T-shirt and looks down at her own breasts. "I hate to break it to you, but contrary to popular belief, I'm not a man."
"You're not?" Olivia says dryly before she leans over and looks inside Amanda's T-shirt. "Shit. Well, that complicates things." She snickers as she leans back after giving the blonde a playful shove. "No, seriously. I'm just pretty convinced that I would fuck it up, royally."
"Why?"
"I'm just… not sensitive enough, I work too much. And honestly, I don't do well with feelings. Not when it gets serious."
"And this is not a problem with men?"
"I mean, it is. Obviously. It's not like I have a string of successful relationships to look back at. But for some reason the guilt isn't as bad. I don't know how to explain it. It's complicated."
It's as honest as she's ever been with her about her issues with commitment and she wonders if it's enough to scare Amanda away or if her honesty works more as an invitation to just keep doing what they're doing. For tonight however, the blonde isn't going anywhere.
"Is it ok if we just... sleep tonight?" She asks timidly when they're settled under the covers, facing each other. "I don't want to ruin your ni-"
"Liv, I didn't come here expecting anything." Amanda interrupts. "Least of all that."
"It's just... We don't normally do this, without doing… that."
"Well, there's a first time for everything." The detective shrugs before she reaches over and lets her hand rest on Olivia's cheek. "I'm here as your friend or whatever you need me to be, ok?"
"Ok." The brunette leans in then and kisses her carefully. "Friends do this, right?"
"Definitely. I do this with all my friends."
"Good to know." Olivia chuckles against Amanda's lips.
"Sleep, Liv. Let that beautiful mind of yours get some rest."
"I was just collateral damage."
That beautiful mind Amanda talked about before she drifted off obviously has no intention of giving her any rest at all. She had a feeling she would be woken up by a nightmare some time during the night, but she usually finds herself alone when it happens, with no one to witness how she sometimes screams into the pillow, her skin covered in sweat while every single muscle in her body contracts.
The hand that calmly reaches out and grabs hers is unexpected and yet so welcomed at the same time. "I'm here." Amanda's gentle voice fills the room, like she wasn't just abruptly pulled out of a deep sleep. "You're ok. You're safe."
The gesture is so simple that the woman lying next to Olivia probably has no idea what kind of an impact it has. And aside from Amanda, only two people have been there to witness this side of her.
First there was Brian. And all though he tried, bless his kind and untamed heart, his sometimes chaotic energy only made it worse. The endless questions, his worried hands, his timid touch. She wanted to let him in, but time and time again the pain in his eyes told her that it would break him. And so she never did.
And then there was Ed. It only happened two times with him, but the way his normally calm exterior somehow suddenly seemed so forced, told her that he was not really equipped to handle every single part of her. He wanted to smell the damn flowers, and she just wanted to sleep through the night. It wasn't the last straw for them, but it definitely didn't help.
She is still gasping for air when Amanda moves and wraps an arm tightly around her, pulling her in. "I'm here, you're here."
I'm here. You're here.
Olivia knows that this is normally when she would've turned this into something else. Distraction. This is when she would turn around, move closer and wordlessly start to undress. Shut down the intimacy of Amanda's embrace and remind them both that this is not what they do.
But she doesn't want to. She doesn't need or want that kind of distraction tonight. She just needs Amanda's arm wrapped around her, the feeling of her steady breath against her neck. And the sound of her soothing voice.
"Just breathe."
And so, that's exactly what she does.
She breathes, realizing that she has never felt this way before. She has never felt this protected by anyone. The only person who ever came close, could never give her this. There is something in Amanda's touch, and in her words, that is just so unconditional. It's accessible.
He was never accessible to her. Not really.
"You're safe, Liv."
He might've had her back at some point, but somehow this woman has her entire being. Carrying it in her soft and gentle hands with no intention of letting her go anytime soon.
"I'm right here."
She won't let me go.
When she finally regains control of her breathing, and her mind, she can't help but think that maybe women aren't that terrifying after all. Especially not if their name is Amanda Rollins.
A/N: This wasn't the last flashback chapter of the story, but it was the last flashback before hell awaits. TBC.
