A/N: I know you're anxious to find out what's going on, but we still have a few flashback chapters to go. And now we've reached S19E20 – The Book of Esther. Set right after the episode ends. (Side note: I will never understand how Kelli wasn't even nominated for an award after this performance.)
Pleased to announce that there are no TWs for this chapter. Hurt, comfort and a little love making ahead.
CHAPTER 18 – APRIL 2018
Her eyes are closed and she's deep in her own thoughts when the phone in her pocket makes her flinch. She can sense some disapproving glares from the people around her as she clumsily pulls it out and quickly puts it on silent mode before she reads the text.
"Where are you?"
The question elicits a sad smile on Amanda's face, knowing that Olivia is probably picturing her in some bar, or worse. Worrying about her falling off the gambling wagon because of what happened. A few years ago, the question would've pissed her off, but at this point in their relationship she finds it kind of endearing.
"Not where you think I am."
"?"
"I'm in a church."
"Really?"
"Mhm."
"You ok?"
"I don't know."
"You want company?"
"At church?"
"Wherever you'd like. I've got all night."
"Noah?"
"Spending the night at Lucy's. My therapist suggested it as a 'challenge'. He thinks I've gotten a little overprotective after what happened with Sheila."
"You? Overprotective? No way."
"Funny. So, company? Or do you want to be alone?"
Amanda bites down on a nail, contemplating her response.
"I don't want to be alone, but I need to get home to Jesse."
"That's ok. I can come over."
"Can you stay the night?"
"I can stay."
"See you in a couple of hours."
As her hands fall back down in her lap, she closes her eyes again and breaths in the distinct sent that somehow seems to linger in every church she has ever set foot in.
There's a weird comfort in that particular sent, and in the air around her. And if she concentrates hard enough, she can almost picture herself as a little girl sitting between Kim and her mother in their local Loganville church. She can vividly remember how she used to hate it and love it just the same.
Hate the feeling of being forced into something she didn't feel like she belonged in, loving the predictability of their Sunday outings. Away from the screaming and the cussing at home, away from the chaos that lived in the walls that was supposed to protect her from the world outside. The church might've not brought her closer to God, but it certainly provided her a sense of calm that she couldn't seem to find anywhere else.
And in the end, maybe that's the point of it all.
As she gets up to leave, Amanda casts one last glance at the altar in front of her, silently praying that wherever Esther is right now, she has finally found the peace that she never got to know while she was still alive.
"Please, Jesse. Just one more bite?" She watches as her toddler purses her lips again, looking as defiant as ever.
"No!"
"Ever considered adopting a second kid?" Amanda asks dryly before she drops the spoon down in the bowl with a resigned look on her face.
"I don't know." Olivia chuckles. "I think you should give her a chance."
The detective sighs then, looking from the brunette to Jesse. "If you weren't so cute, though..." She eyes her daughter who is still looking suspiciously at the half-empty bowl, as if her mother was just trying to feed her rat poison.
"Fine, I give up." She throws her arms out in defeat before she gets up from her chair. "Watch her for a sec while I get her bath ready?"
When Amanda walks back into her kitchen three minutes later, she doesn't know if she wants to laugh or cry at the sight of Olivia scraping away at the bowl and feeding Jesse the last spoon of her dinner. "No… How did you do that?"
"Don't feel bad." Olivia shrugs and smiles innocently. "For a few weeks, Ed was the only one who could make Noah eat his vegetables. I swear, sometimes they just give us a hard time because we're their mothers."
Normally she might've been just a little hurt, but tonight she's just too tired to feel bad about not being able to feed her own daughter when Olivia managed to do it in a heartbeat. "Thank you."
"You get her to bed and I'll clean up here."
Ever since walking home from her spontaneous church visit, she's been mostly successful at shutting it all out, but as she sits on the floor next to her daughter's bed, holding Jesse's hand, watching her fall asleep, her mind is flooded with images from the case that just ended in the worst way possible.
How could anyone do that to their own children? And justify it the way that they did? How could anyone starve someone, chain someone, rob them of their childhood, their freedom?
The love she feels for Jesse mixed with the anger she feels towards William Labott momentarily overwhelms her and when she carefully closes her daughter's bedroom door, tears are still trickling down her cheeks.
"Amanda." Olivia says softly, her voice barely above a whisper. "Come here."
She walks over to the couch where the lieutenant is sitting and doesn't hesitate before she lets herself be wrapped in the other woman's arms. "It wasn't your fault, Amanda." The brunette tightens her grip around her and kisses the top of her head. "It wasn't your fault."
"I killed her." The blonde says in between a few sniffles, burying her head in the crook of Olivia's neck. "I shouldn't even have been there. I got too close."
"You got close because you're an excellent, passionate and dedicated detective. That's one of the reasons why I-" love you "why you're one of the best I've ever worked with."
"You're just saying that because I'm sad."
Olivia leans back then and cups her cheek. "No. I'm not." She smiles, but her eyes are determined and leaves no room for doubt. "I mean it."
"Thank you." Amanda whispers, trying to believe and take in the lieutenant's words.
"What do you need?"
"Lie on top of you and watch something cheesy?"
"Then that's what we're going to do."
It feels surprisingly normal, the two of them on Amanda's couch. The way she's resting her head on Olivia's chest while a hand absentmindedly runs through her hair in a soothing touch. The way the brunette is making snarky remarks about the reality show currently playing on the TV, followed by Amanda trying but failing to explain the entertainment value of it all.
She doesn't know what sets it off, but there's a sudden change in the mood between them and the silence coming from the woman pinned beneath her makes her feel both uneasy and worried.
"What are you thinking about?" She asks timidly.
"Nothing."
The detective senses how the body underneath her tense up just a little, but it's Olivia's heart suddenly pounding under her ear that gives it away.
"Liar."
The other woman's hand stills then before it comes down to rest on Amanda's back.
"My ex-partner… He shot a girl. And then he left."
She never talks about him, and Amanda doesn't ask. It's one of those stories that lives between them without ever being acknowledge or discussed. So the detective stays quiet, nervously awaiting Olivia to open up just a little bit more.
"I mean, he probably had his reasons, other than what happened. I guess I will never know. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. He killed a girl, and he left. You… I can't lose you, too."
She lifts her head to look at her then. "Liv, I'm not leaving."
"You can't promise me that."
Amanda knows that those five words pretty much sums it all up for Olivia. The fear of being abandoned yet again, feeling like any promise given to her is empty and useless because in her experience, no one stayed.
"Yes, actually, I can." She kisses her gently, doing what she can to stop the other woman from spiraling. Knowing that her words might not be enough, but hoping that her touch can be somewhat convincing.
"I'm here." The blonde whispers against her lips. "And I'm not going anywhere."
"What if you suddenly change your mind?"
She moves slightly and lets her lips come down on Olivia's neck. "Don't think like that."
I could never leave you.
"But-"
"No. I said don't think like that." Amanda repeats her words with a low voice against her ear. "I'm not leaving you, ok?"
She knows she just said 'you' and not 'the job', but her defenses are down and she just doesn't care tonight. To emphasize exactly what she means, she moves her hands down Olivia's sides and lifts her shirt up while she wiggles herself down.
"Ok." The lieutenant breathes out.
"Can you feel my hands on you?"
"Yes."
"That means I'm right here, and I'm not leaving."
"Ok."
She hikes the shirt up a little more until it's bunched over the brunette's breasts and then she pulls at her bra before she kisses the soft skin underneath. "Can you feel my mouth on you?"
"Mhm." Olivia nods eagerly, her body suddenly on fire under the blonde's touch.
"Good. Then focus on that." It's the last thing Amanda says before she closes her mouth around a hard nipple, using her tongue to put just the right amount of pressure on the sensitive nub. She moves her tongue around in a tight circle as her hand closes around the other breast.
"Fuck..."
"Is that what you want?" Amanda asks, peering up at her. Normally she would be ready and willing to give the other woman whatever she needs, but tonight she finds herself desperate for them to just be, to not rush through it.
"No." Olivia whispers while she shakes her head. "I..."
"What? What do you need?"
"I just need to feel you."
She smiles then, reassured by the brunette's confession. "Let's go to bed."
As they move to the bedroom, clothes falling to the floor along the way, Amanda realizes that something has definitely changed between them. She doesn't know when it happened, but it's like there's a newfound calmness between them now that wasn't there before. And for tonight, she doesn't care that she still has no idea what they are to each other.
Not when she knows that the woman currently pulling her down on the bed is the only person in the world capable of making her feel like this after all the heartache. Olivia Benson is many things, and tonight she is that beautiful rainbow emerging after a devastating storm.
"Look at me." Olivia says while staring up at the woman now pinning her naked body to the bed.
"I'm right here." Amanda breaths out.
With their eyes still locked the blonde starts moving her hips slowly, pressing her pelvis against the lieutenant's. And even though the room is poorly lit, she swears she can see those already dark eyes turn darker by every single roll of her hips.
"God, you feel good." What she really wants to say is "I love you." But she suspects that would be too much for both of them, and that it would ruin the moment. So she settles for a different truth, a less scary admission.
"More." Olivia moans while she moves her hands down her sides before they land with a firm grip on Amanda's backside. "Harder." She lifts her own hips up, mirroring the blonde's movements.
Her entire body is quivering now, and it only heightens the sensation that seems to be literally everywhere, from her toes and all the way up to the top of her head.
"Kiss me. I need your mouth." Olivia demands, sounding just the perfect amount of desperate, as if she's right on the edge and the feeling of the detective's lips against hers is the only thing that can push her over.
Amanda whimpers as soon as their lips meet, and the shift between them is immediate. What was slow and controlled just a second ago, turns frantic when their tongues brush against each other. "I'm so close." The blonde admits through a breathy moan against Olivia's open mouth.
"Me too."
She doesn't know if it's the tongue once again filling her mouth or the way Olivia's nails are digging into her sweat covered skin, or the way she can feel how their arousal mix together, but either way she's coming, hard. And just as she hits her peak, Olivia wraps her legs around her, pushes her hips up and cries out as she shivers violently underneath her.
"Shit..." Amanda mumbles with a husky voice as her head falls down next to Olivia's, her worn out muscles making it impossible for her to hold herself up.
The brunette hums softly against the crook of her neck before she starts placing gentle kisses against the slightly damp skin, still moving lazily against her as she works her way down from the climax.
"Liv…"
"Hm?"
"I'm not going anywhere. Ok?"
"Ok."
A/N: If only that was true, Amanda. Would be nice if I could just write them loving each other, supporting each other and comforting each other, right? Sigh…
