A/N: Thank you again for your lovely comments! I really can't explain how happy they make me and how much they inspire me to keep going with this story that is really doing a number on my brain.

I meant to add this to the previous A/N, but I forgot: I think The Book of Esther is such a powerful episode, and I wanted to use it for this story because 1. WHY didn't Olivia comfort Amanda more in her office? And 2. It was a good opportunity to explore several sides of Amanda AND their relationship and how much they depend on each other at this point in the story. However, an entire fic could've been written based on that episode, which is exactly what ACuteAngel has done with "Too Much". Check it out if you're looking for other Rolivia stories.

So, we're back in hell, unfortunately. This chapter is written a little differently because a lot of it is basically just Amanda's brain. I really hope it works.

TW: Sexual assault (not very graphic or explicit).

Au/Ra – Panic Room

CHAPTER 19 – AUGUST 2021

I'm in a lot of trouble.

You can't panic. Just breathe. Focus. What can you feel? What can you see? You're on a mattress. It's not a bed, just a mattress on the floor. There's another room, a bathroom. It looks… pink? A pink bathroom. Fuck, I need to pee. But you can't move, so you can't think about that right now.

There are no windows, but I don't think I'm in a basement? It doesn't smell like a basement.

What do you hear?

Nothing. No voices. No sounds from outside. No movement from inside the house. He went somewhere. So when is he coming back?

He killed Bronwyn and dragged her into the living room. You saw daylight then, so the sun was still up when you got here. You can't be too far away from the city. That means they'll find you. Soon. They'll probably find you soon. By now they must know that Henry is missing. They'll put two and two together. And then, somehow, they'll find you. Olivia won't give up. Right?

She wouldn't let me go. Would she?

You can't panic.

I'm on a mattress.

He's probably going to rape you. Don't panic. You've been through it before. You know how it feels. Just breathe through your nose. Pretend that you're somewhere else. It hurts more if you tense up. That's when you can fight him. Even if your hands are still tied. You can kick him when he's on top of you. Or bite him.

Unless he rapes me from behind.

You can't think like that. You have to stay calm. If you're gonna survive this, you can't panic.

He's going to hurt you. If he just wanted to kill you, he would've done that already. You know this. You can deal with pain, you've given birth twice, you've been shot. You have to deal with the pain. You have to, because you have to stay alive to see your girls again, all of them.

I miss them. I want to go home.

You can't cry. You have to stop crying. Stop crying for fuck's sake.

"Olivia? Hi, it's Sienna."

"Sienna?" The captain's confused eyes stare at the screen for two seconds before she moves the phone back to her ear.

"Are you with Amanda? I thought she was taking the day off."

"Wh- No, I haven't seen her all day. I was just about to call her actually."

"I was supposed to drop the kids off after daycare, but I'm in her apartment and she's not home, and she's not answering her phone."

Olivia's heart starts pounding in her chest as she gets up from her chair.

"Ok… Ok, can you stay there with the kids? I'll try and see if I can reach her."

"I'll be here."

Olivia immediately finds Amanda in her contacts after hanging up. "Come on… Pick up your phone."

"You've reached Amanda Rollins-"

Shit.

A weird and uncomfortable feeling settles in the pit of her stomach as she walks with hurried steps out of her office.

"Has anyone seen or talked to Amanda today?"

Kat peers up from her desk. "No? Why?"

"Fin?"

"Haven't seen her since she left work on Friday. What's going on?"

She's fidgeting now, finding it impossible to stay still. "She wasn't home when Sienna came to drop off the girls, and neither of us can reach her."

"It's probably just a misunderstanding, cap." Fin shrugs. "Maybe she's out for a run or something."

Olivia thinks back on the last time she saw her, just a little more than twenty four hours ago, how tired and pale Amanda had looked in her doorway. Suddenly her mind is flooded by worst-case scenarios and images of Amanda lying somewhere, passed out.

"Doctor's appointment…" She whispers, more to herself than anyone in the room. Amanda talked about making a doctor's appointment. Maybe she's still there.

"Fin, find out who Amanda's GP is and where their office is located."

"Wh-"

"Just do it." She pulls up her contacts again and presses the dial button when she finds the one she's looking for. "Carisi, have you talked to Amanda today?"

"No, been busy with arraignments all day, why?"

Not more than thirty minutes after explaining the situation to the ADA, he storms into the squad room. "I've called her five times and she's still not picking up."

Olivia is pacing back and forth, trying to force her brain to give her anything, anything at all, to work with. "Kat, get TARU to track her phone. Now." She really doesn't care that she sounds desperate, not when there's a voice in the back of her mind telling her that something is terribly wrong. "Fin, anything?"

"We've got a name and an address for her doctor, but unless we've got a warrant there's no way they're gonna give us anything."

Before the captain can turn to Carisi and start working on a loophole for that warrant, her phone vibrates in her hand.

"Sienna? Did you talk to her?"

"No, but…"

"What? Tell me."

"I asked Jesse if her mom had said anything about any errands or appointments today, and she said that mommy is working."

This doesn't make any sense.

"But… she isn't."

"She said that Amanda stopped by her daycare earlier today and that she was working with the man that gave her Snowball?"

Everything stops then. It's like all of the dry air in the squad room has been sucked out and the people standing around her are just blurry figures in the middle of a goddamn tornado. Snowball. Henry. Amanda. Fuck. No, no, no.

"Olivia? Are you still there?"

This can't be happening. This can't-

"Olivia?"

"Put Jesse on the phone."

She tries to control the superficial breaths that leaves her while she waits for the five year old on the other end of the call. But when she hears the little girl's voice, her breath hitches and she fails to keep her voice steady. "Jesse? It's Olivia. Can you tell me what happened today when mommy came to see you?"

"The man that gave me Snowball was with her."

"And did mommy say anything about where she was going?"

"She said that she had to work."

"Did she say anything else?"

"She was crying because she was so happy to see me, and she told me to tell Billie that she loves her."

So this is what actual heartbreak feels like. This is what it feels like when your world shatters into a million pieces. It's Noah missing all over again, it's Lewis, it's losing Simon and Tucker, except Amanda had been there by her side for all of that. And now she's gone.

"Is she coming home soon, Livia?"

"Soon, sweetie." She wants to add "I promise" and the realization that she doesn't know if she can keep that promise makes her stomach turn. "Can you give the phone back to Sienna, honey?"

"Take the girls to my apartment. We'll send a police car to Amanda's in case she or anyone else shows up, but I don't want to scare Jesse and Billie. Lucy and Noah is home, I'll text her and let her know that you're coming."

"Something's wrong." Sienna whispers, and it's a statement, not a question.

"Yes, Sienna. Something is wrong."

I just want to sleep.

I know you're tired, it's the drugs, but you have to eat the food that he gives you. If you don't eat, you won't have the strength you need to get away.

They haven't found me yet.

They just need a little more time. They're doing everything they can to find you. You know Olivia, you know that she probably hasn't slept a minute, so you can't sleep either. Not yet. You have to eat. And they will find you.

But it's been… Six days? Five days? God, I need a shower.

There's a shower right there.

I can't use it.

But you need a shower. You'll feel so much better afterwards.

I'd have to get undressed. And he's right outside.

If he tries something, you can fight back. Your hands a free now, remember? You can fight back, and run through the door if he leaves it open.

But I'm so tired.

You're not too tired to fight. Come on. Give him a reason to attack you. All you have to do is knock on the door, and ask for a towel. To let him know.

I can use myself as bait.

Use yourself as bait.

Do it. You're not too tired to fight.

She pushes away the paper plate with the half-eaten sandwich before she lifts herself up on shaky knees and forces herself to walk over to the locked door. Her arm feels like it weighs a hundred pounds when she lifts it to knock. It's been more than twenty four hours since the last time he drugged her, but the effect still lingers in her body.

She knows the drill by now. A gun to her head as soon as the door opens, by now she doesn't even flinch when she sees it.

"I need to take a shower." Except for the few times she tried to scream for help, she has barely spoken since he brought her here and she almost doesn't recognize her own voice. "Can I have a towel?"

"Took you long enough." He scoffs. "Wait here." For a second there's a glimmer of hope when she thinks that he might leave the door open, but he doesn't, he never does.

When he returns, holding his gun in one hand and a towel in the other, something behind those lifeless eyes makes her hold her breath. And then she realizes that he's looking at her like she's prey.

He hands her the towel while moving closer, making her walk backwards in the direction of the pink bathroom she's been dreading since she first came to.

"Henry…" His name is whispered, and she hates how after just six days, she is already pleading.

It's too soon to break.

"What? Are you scared?"

She doesn't answer, just stares into the barrel of the gun, wondering, trying to calculate how much of a risk it would be to lunge at him in an attempt to grab it.

You can't. Not yet.

He stops moving then, glaring at her with an impatient look on his face. "What are you waiting for?"

"For you to leave me alone." Amanda says in a poor attempt to regain some sense of control, some self-assertion.

"Why? Afraid I'm gonna touch you?"

Just be honest. Make him want it. "Yes."

He smiles then, while moving his eyes up and down her body. "How does it feel, knowing that I can touch you whenever I'd like. Wherever I'd like? That I can shoot you right now. Or while you sleep. I can walk in while you're in the shower, turn you around and rape you. Or, I can leave you in here to starve. How does it feel?"

Like pure and utter terror. I get it now, Liv.

"It's been… what? Six days? And you haven't done anything. Starting to think you don't have it in you."

"You don't understand, Amanda."

"Understand what?"

"Remember my sister, when I told you I wanted to see if she could melt from the inside out? I was just a stupid kid back then, but it did give me an idea."

Suddenly he moves towards her again, and Amanda stumbles until her back is pressed up against the pink tiles in the bathroom. She winces when he puts the gun under her chin, pushing the barrel into her skin.

"There are other ways to make someone melt." Her eyes are trained on the ceiling and she holds her breath as his hand find its way under her sweater. "And you're so perfect, detective Rollins."

She squeezes her eyes shut when he roughly palms her breast. "You have so much to live for." A lone tear trickles down her cheek while his greedy hand keeps moving. "You're weak, but you're not broken. Yet." He finally lets go, and backs away slowly while still pointing the gun at her. "I, am going to make you melt from the inside."

I'm in a lot of fucking trouble.

A/N: …