A/N: So we're back in present day and things are not looking too good for anyone right now. This was just really, really painful to write.

TW: Psychological/emotional terror and short mentions of violence.

CHAPTER 21 – SEPTEMBER 2021

How many days?

It doesn't matter. You just have to get up, move around a little. Your muscles are getting weak.

I can't. It hurts too much.

Are you really giving up already? Come on, it's not that bad. You're not in that much pain. It's been days since he hurt you the last time, and you're not tied up right now. He even gave you clean clothes, they're right over there.

I can't.

Yes, you can. Just get up and move around for a few minutes. Get your body working again. You can do it. I know you can.

What is he doing? It's so quiet.

I don't think he's here. So it's probably safe for you to take a shower. Get some of that blood off your face.

I just want to go home. I just want to see my girls.

I know. That's why you have to get up, and eat.

I'm too nauseous to eat.

You probably have a concussion after what happened.

What happened?

You know what happened, you remember.

I don't want to. I don't want to think about it.

He hit you with his gun.

Did something happen when I was passed out?

It's not important. What matters right now is you getting up from this goddamn mattress. You can't just lie down and wait for him to kill you. You have to eat, move around, take a shower. Do something!

I can't!

Yes, you can! What would Liv say if she could see you right now? She would tell you to fight. She would beg you to at least try. You can't give up, she hasn't given up on you.

How do I know that?

Because it's Liv. She never gives up. So you don't get to either. Move, goddamnit! Fucking move!

She lost count after eleven days. That's when he started to leave her alone for long periods of time, with no light in the room. It has turned into a random game that makes absolutely no sense. There are no rules, there's no rhythm, everything is completely unpredictable.

Sometimes he's gentle, other times he's rough. She has learned to recognize the sounds coming from the house, but it provides absolutely no comfort because in the end, he always comes back. And there's no way out.

The two times she tried to fight him to get away, left her with what she is pretty sure is a cracked rib, a split lip, a bruised back and a cut near her temple after he hit her with that goddamn gun he's always carrying around.

So Amanda doesn't fight anymore.

He used to bring sandwiches, but they have now been mostly replaced with dry granola bars that she's barely able to get down. The water coming from the bathroom faucet tastes weird, but it's one of the few things that keeps her alive.

She's just about to lift herself up when she hears the door open. It's weird, she thinks, because her heart has been pounding wildly in her chest since her first day here, and somehow it seems to slow down just a little every time he opens that door because that means at least something is happening. She can't stand the dark, and she can't stand being alone for hours on end.

And as much as she hates to admit it, the pain he so randomly inflicts on her, is better than her loud, fleeting and confusing thoughts.

"There you are." He says it like she could've been somewhere else, like he's surprised to see her.

"I have something for you." He plugs in the small lamp that he removed a few days ago. "Had to take some risks to get this set up, so you better be grateful." While her eyes slowly and painfully adjusts to the light, Amanda sees that he's carrying something in his hand.

She flinches, but only a little, when he sits down next to her and holds the iPad between them.

"Here. This is from last night."

"Wh-"

I'm hallucinating. This can't be real. I have officially gone mad.

She blinks several times, slowly grabbing the tablet from his hands to study the screen more closely with her tired and puffy eyes.

There they are. Olivia, and the kids. Noah and Jesse on the floor, playing with something, she can't tell what. She can't hear them either, but it doesn't look like they're doing much talking anyway. Billie is squirming a little in Olivia's lap, but eventually she lets her head come down to rest on the brunette's shoulder.

It looks oddly peaceful and mundane, like it's just any other night; Olivia watching her kids while she's at work. But even though the image is kind of blurry, and even though the angle is a bit off, the look on the captain's face says it all.

Olivia is far from ok.

"How…?" Amanda finally asks without looking away, her voice cracked and barely audible.

"It was surprisingly easy." Henry shrugs next to her. "I just used this." He holds up Amanda's key to Olivia's apartment. "In and out in three minutes."

The so-called emergency key that had turned into something else entirely, several years ago. Used to stop by to pick up a forgotten shirt, or to surprise Olivia with dinner after a long day. Or, one of the few times the brunette had texted "I'm already in bed but feel free to lock yourself in when you get off work."

She moves her eyes from the key and back to the screen.

Billie is crying now and Olivia is walking around in the living room, trying to calm her down. But Olivia is crying, too. Amanda leans in, desperate to get a better look at both of them. She drags her thumb gently over the screen as her tears start to fall, too. "It's ok, baby." She whispers, as if they could hear her.

"Ok, that's enough for now." Henry says as he grabs the device and pulls it from her hands.

"No, please. Just-"

Suddenly it dawns on her.

The key.

Henry has her key. Henry was in Olivia's apartment. He can come and go whenever he wants.

"Stay away from them."

He casually shrugs before he lifts himself up from the mattress. "I told you I wouldn't hurt them unless you make me."

"You have me. You can do anything you want to me. Just don't hurt them."

"If you behave."

"I promise."

"So eat something and for fuck's sake, clean yourself up."

"I will." Amanda nods quickly, ignoring the way it makes her head throb. "Just please, stay away."

He doesn't answer, just looks at her for a short moment before he turns to leave. But at least he leaves the lamp this time.

"Cap?" Kat peers through the door to the captain's office, dreading to wake up the woman who's been sleeping on the couch for no more than fifteen minutes.

Olivia sits up almost immediately, rubbing her eyes to wake herself up. "Wh- what? Did something happen?"

"Amanda's mom is here."

"Shit." She runs a hand through her hair, realizing she can't remember the last time she washed it. "Ok, just give me a minute."

Her palms are sweaty and her heart is pounding as she opens the door to step outside, instantly locking eyes with the blonde woman standing in the middle of the squad room, waiting for her.

"Mrs. Rollins, what are you doing here?" She tries as hard as she can to keep her voice gentle. This is Amanda's mother after all, she deserves to be treated like any other loved one.

"Well, I had to see what was going on, the only thing I get are these random phone calls from your officers telling me you still haven't found her."

"I promise you, Mrs. Rollins, that we will let you know as soon as there are any updates. There just haven't been any lately."

"She's been gone for more than three weeks."

Trust me I know. Twenty-two days, eight hours and thirty-four minutes.

"And we've been working day and night to find her, believe me." Her voice cracks and the tears she's been fighting all day are currently welling up, making her eyes clouded.

"You're obviously not doing a very good job, are you?"

Just treat her like any other victim. Just do your fucking job.

"Maybe we should talk in my office?" I can't break down. Not here.

"No, I'm good right here."

"Mrs. Rollins, trust me when I say that no one wants to find your daughter more than me. And we are checking every lead, we have detectives working her case in the entire state of New York and neighboring states as well."

"For all you know, she's already dead."

"You can't think like that." I can't think like that.

"What else am I gonna think? She's out there with some crazed lunatic who has killed before."

Don't you think I know that? That I have nightmares every time I close my eyes about what she's probably going through? That I know that even if we get her back, she will probably never recover?

"And that's why we're not giving up, Mrs. Rollins. Amanda is… we're not giving up on her."

"How am I supposed to believe that when you're not making any progress? Y'all seem pretty incompetent to me."

"I promise you, we won't give up."

Ever.

"She's just another detective to you anyway. One that you can use and throw away. I told her becoming a cop was a stupid and reckless idea."

"She's not just another detective." She's the love of my life.

"She should've never moved up here in the first place. She would've been better off back home."

Just breathe. Breathe through your nose. You can't lose it.

"With all due respect, she has a family here. A family who loves her and who will not rest until she comes back."

"The way you're working this case, she'll come back in a goddamn box."

Don't. Don't. Just breathe.

"I won't let that happen."

"And how am I supposed to trust you on that?"

"Because I love her!" There. I said it. "I've loved her for nine fucking years and I'm not letting her go."

"What on earth are you talking about?"

"Do I really have to spell it out for you?"

"Liv…" Fin is suddenly standing next to her, holding her arm gently.

"My daughter is not like that!"

"Yes, Mrs. Rollins, she is, like that."

"I think I would know if my own daughter was a…"

"What? A dyke? Is that what you wanted to say?"

"Cap, maybe you should-"

"Not now, Fin." She doesn't turn to look at him and angrily shrugs his hand away. "Listen, I know you're scared out of your mind, I know you want to get your daughter home, and we are doing everything we can to do that. We're not giving up on her. You just have to let us work."

"I want you off her case."

"Wh-"

"I should've known. The way Amanda turned her back on her own sister. The way she talked to me and her daddy when she came to pick up the girls. I should've known that something was up, that you were trying to pull her away from her family with your sick lifestyle."

Kat is suddenly between them, holding Olivia back as she practically lunges towards the woman in front of her. "Liv, look at me." The young detective says with a low and steady voice. "It's not worth it."

"Your chief will be hearing about this, captain Benson."

Before she can respond, Amanda's mother is already on her way out of the squad room, almost crashing into Carisi when he comes through the door. Mrs. Rollins doesn't even look at him, and in the matter of seconds, she's gone. Leaving behind a gigantic mess that Olivia has no idea how she's supposed to clean up.

Too late for damage control.

"Was that Amanda's mother?"

When the captain doesn't answer, he turns to Kat who gives him a simple nod to confirm.

"Liv, what happened?"

Only then does she realize just how quiet the squad room is, and that everyone is looking at her. She wants to yell at every single person to get back to work, but she can't find her voice, so instead she wordlessly turns around and walks back into her office, with Carisi right behind her.

"What just happened?" He asks again as he closes the door.

Fuck it.

"I just outed me and Amanda to her mother, and the entire squad room."

"Outed, wh- oh… Oh."

"Yeah." Olivia sits down behind her desk, planting her head in her hands.

"Since… Since when?"

"2012. I mean… Obviously we haven't been… exclusive. But yeah, 2012."

"I had no idea."

"No one did. That was the point. Until it became a problem. And now the problem has turned into a fucking disaster. And no, I don't want to talk about it. I've already said too much."

"Fine. But you know I'm here, right?"

"I know, Carisi." She tries to give him a smile, but it's like she has completely forgotten how to do that lately. "Why are you here?"

"This." He says as he hands her a container with what looks like homemade lasagna.

"More food from your mom."

"It's the only thing I can do."

Olivia finally manages a smile then, as sad and forced as it might be. It's quickly wiped away however when 'Chief Garland' appears on her phone.

That was fast.

The conversation is quick and ruthless. "My office, now."

"Are you in trouble?"

"Yes, I am."

"Ok, I just realized there is one thing I can do. Let me take the kids tonight. I know you've been determined to keep them all together at your place, but it wouldn't hurt for them to get some change of scenery, and you need a night off, Liv." Had it not been for the phone call she just ended, the captain would've shut him down immediately, but she doesn't have it in her to fight him right now. So, with a resigned look on her face, she agrees.

Olivia normally doesn't avoid eye contact with anyone, but as she enters the chief's office, her eyes are instantly trained on the floor between them.

"I should've told you."

"Damn right you should've told me. You've been working this case for more than three weeks and not once did you tell me that you and detective Rollins are involved?"

"It's… complicated." So fucking complicated.

"You're off the case, captain."

She lifts her head to look at him then. "Wh- No! You can't do that."

"Yes, I can. And you're taking some time off. A weak, for now."

"Please, please don't do this to me. I'll go crazy if I can't work."

"You've left me no choice, Olivia. I'm sorry. And sex crimes didn't stop after detective Rollins went missing, we need people to be focused on all cases, not just hers."

His words feel like tiny stabs to her chest and it's the second time that day that she's tempted to literally punch someone in the face.

"You're not telling me that we're cutting resources on the investigation?"

"I'm not saying that. But," he holds up a hand as if she should brace herself for what's coming, "Amanda has been missing for more than three weeks, we have no solid leads, and there have been no sightings of Bronwyn, Henry or her. At some point, there's not much we can do. And you have to prepare yourself for every outcome here."

"I can't. I won't."

"That's exactly why you're taking some time off, captain."

Three hours later, she has no idea how many glasses of wine she has emptied and if she's being honest with herself, she isn't entirely sure which bar she's sitting in. She just keeps staring at the crimson liquid that does absolutely nothing to make her feel any better.

When a hand gently rubs her back, it takes her a couple of seconds to react, but when she turns her head to see who the hand belongs to, her tired eyes widens with shock.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Fin called me." Cassidy says before he sits down on the stool next to her. "He's worried about you, and I can't say that I blame him."

"You shouldn't have bothered, Bri."

"I'm here now."

For a long time, they don't say anything at all. He just lets her sit in silence and watches as she empties her glass and orders another.

"You and Amanda, how long?" He finally says, like he's been spending the last thirty minutes building up enough courage to ask.

"Nine years, on and off." Olivia's voice is flat and she doesn't look at him when she answers.

"So while we were together? That night when you stormed out?"

"It only happened that one time. Sorry."

But she really isn't. She had been at some point, but not anymore. It just doesn't matter, because in the end, she and Cassidy were never meant to last. And that night with Amanda is still, to this day, one of her most cherished memories with the detective.

"It doesn't matter, and you don't have to explain anything, Liv."

Thanks.

"But you're kinda falling apart."

Olivia looks at him then, blinking a few times to get her eyes to focus on his. "How did it feel?"

"What?"

"When I went missing. How did you feel?"

"Scared out of my mind, angry… I was a mess."

"And after three weeks, how do you think you would've felt then?"

"Broken."

She nods, mirroring his expression of understanding and realization. "Exactly. So just let me drink, Brian."

"Hey, I'm not stopping you. But I'm not gonna let you drink alone."

The captain is definitely not a stranger to having one glass too many, but she has to admit, all though secretly, that she's grateful for Cassidy's strong arm around her when she stumbles out of the elevator later that night.

"Can I get you anything?" He asks timidly as he helps her sit down on the couch.

The break is immediate.

"I just… I just want her. I miss her so much. I… I can't breathe without her. I can't think, I can't sleep… I just want her back!"

He rubs her back gently while she cries. "I know… I know, Liv."

"And I don't know what's worse, thinking that she's still alive with that monster somewhere, or that she's already…"

"Ok, ok, come here." He pulls her into his arms and holds her tight, carefully rocking her back and forth while every single emotion she's been trying so hard to push down for weeks erupts in one loud sob after the other.

"I'm gonna be sick." She mumbles suddenly.

"Come on."

With one arm still wrapped tightly around her, he guides her towards the bathroom where he holds her hair back while she empties her stomach, interrupted only by something that sounds like choked cries.

"I'm here, Liv."

When she finally slumps down on the floor, her entire body is trembling and hair is clinging to her sweat-covered forehead. Cassidy moves away for a short moment, only to return with a wet washcloth that he uses to softly run across her flushed face.

"Water." She croaks, and when he comes back and hands her the bottle, her thoughts immediately drifts back to Amanda, wondering if she has clean water wherever she is, if she's still alive.

"I hurt her, Brian. In so many ways, over and over again."

He sits down next to her and motions for her to lean against him. "That's what we do to the people we love. I think it's inevitable."

"Maybe… But I just… I can't help but think that this is all my fault. I could've stopped this if-"

"You can't think like that. Believe me. I've been down that rabbit hole more than once, and it doesn't help anyone. Least of all her."

Olivia doesn't know how to respond to that, so instead she lets her head rest on his shoulder as a heavy sensation takes over her body, suddenly feeling like she's trapped under a pile of rocks.

"Let's get you to bed, and I'll sleep on the couch tonight."

She shakes her head as he helps her up from the floor. "You don't have to stay."

"I'm staying."

Like all the other times before, Amanda holds her breath while she's in the shower. What used to be one of her favorite things to do, has now turned into the most dreaded thing she can think of. She's at her most vulnerable standing under the water currently running down her body, and she doesn't waste a single second to get the job done.

She breathes just a little easier when she's fully dressed again and seated on the mattress, forcing herself to take a few bites of one of the many granola bars that has piled up over the last few days. She can never tell if she's hungry anymore, and as much as she'd like to blame it all on him, she shamefully knows that it's partially her own fault.

Amanda lets her mind wander as she picks at the wrapper with her fingers, wondering if Olivia is taking care of herself. If she's sleeping, eating. She had all three kids.

Have the girls stayed there since I went missing? Is she doing it all on her own? She didn't look ok. She looked so broken. I just want to go home and be with her and the kids. I wonder where Frannie is.

Just as tears starts to well up in her eyes and she gives up on the food, the door is unlocked.

"I think you'll get a kick out of this."

What? Are you finally going to rape me? Give me an excuse to rip your fucking head off?"

He doesn't wait for her to respond before he sits down next to her, handing her the iPad. "Go on. Press play."

She knows that it's probably a bad idea. That he's messing with her. That she's going to regret this in the matter of minutes. But she still does what he tells her to do, mostly because she's too tired to fight, but also because the gun currently pressed against her ribs has a pretty convincing effect.

At first the familiar living room is empty. No Olivia, no kids. She kinda wants it to stay that way. There's something serene about the brunette's empty home. And it allows her to think back on all the memories they've made there over the years. Memories with the squad, with the kids, and with just the two of them.

Lost in her own thoughts, she almost doesn't notice two people entering the apartment.

Liv… And? Who is that? Is that Cassidy? She looks sick. Drunk. She's drunk.

With tears running down her cheeks she watch as Cassidy wraps his arms around Olivia on the couch, how he's there to comfort her, hold her… At least she has someone.

And the last thing she sees before Henry takes the iPad away, is the two of them, getting up from the couch and stumbling out of the living room, towards what she can only assume is Olivia's bedroom.

I get it. You're letting me go. I get it. It's ok. You shouldn't have to be alone. And at least you're safe with someone you know and someone who cares about you. I don't blame you, and I still love you. I don't even know how long I've been missing. It's probably time for you to let me go.

It's ok. Let me go, Liv.

A/N: Pain. Just pain everywhere.

(Also, quick side note: I really like chief Garland on the show, so I didn't mean to write him as an asshole. But he's the only one with the authority needed to set boundaries for Liv, so it had to play out like that. Don't hate him, hate me.)