A/N: Set after S20E14 – Part 33.
I've been so nervous about posting this ever since I started planning the different chapters and I knew that I wanted this to be a part of their story.
This is the most explicit scene I have ever written and if rough and violent sex is not something you're comfortable with, you should skip this chapter. Definitely not anything romantic or gentle about this. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with WHAT they do, but rather how and why.
Human sexuality fascinates me a lot, and not just the sexual element of it, but how we use intimacy in general for so many different reasons in so many different situations; For comfort, release, reassurance, love, anger, pain, stress, anxiety, etc. And that's what I'm trying to explore and portray in this chapter.
This will probably feel like OOC to a lot of people, and for that I apologize. But it's my story so… fuck it. -Insert nervous laugh here-
Ok. You've been warned...
And if you need a soundtrack to add to the angst:
Hozier - Angel Of Small Death & The Codeine Scene
Rag'n'Bone Man - Human
Gossip - Heavy Cross
Stevie Wonder - I Don't Know Why
CHAPTER 22 - FEBRUARY 2019
Her living room is quiet because she has already muted her TV. She knows it won't be long until there's a knock on her door. Might as well be ready. The only sounds currently breaking the silence is the occasional siren from the streets, and the constant low humming noise that her refrigerator makes.
She realize as she sits and waits that she can't remember the last time she was alone like this. Normally, she might've managed to enjoy it a little, but she knows that she won't be alone for long. Not because they've talked about it. They haven't even texted each other. She just knows.
And that's why she sent her girls to stay with her nanny for the night. It's not something she usually does, and it's not something she does without guilt. But tonight it's necessary.
Absolutely, completely and devastatingly necessary.
Her hair is still damp after her second shower, because one just wasn't enough to wash that room off of her. The smell of bad coffee and donuts and sweat had been overwhelming long after she left the courthouse. But at least she's physically clean now. She's not quite sure how many showers it'll take to get rid off everything else.
Amanda doesn't even flinch when the knock finally comes. Instead, she raises the second glass of scotch to her lips and empties it slowly before she gets up and moves towards the door.
"It's so quiet here."
"Girls are staying with Sienna tonight."
"I can't stay."
"I know."
Fifteen words. Not even a polite greeting, no asking how they're doing after the day they just had. She knows it would just be superficial anyway, because Olivia is not here to talk. It's written so clearly all over her face that it almost makes Amanda sick. Not because of her, but because she knows what's about to happen.
And neither of them can stop it.
Tonight, they are nothing more than two high-speed trains moving towards each other. And the breaks they could definitely need right now, are scattered somewhere in that goddamn room in that goddamn courthouse.
They stare at each other while she holds the door open, waiting for one of them to just do something. When the woman in front of her does nothing, Amanda takes a few steps backwards, basically challenging her to move.
The moment it takes for the brunette to finally step inside feels like an eternity and a single heartbeat all at once. Maybe because they both know that as soon as that door closes, that's it. There's just no way back then and there's no way to stop this.
Normally, Olivia would at least mumble a halfhearted apology when Amanda's back hits the wall, hard enough to make her hiss. But they both know that there won't be any apologies tonight.
Not for the lack of needing it. God, they need the apologies. The soft words, the gentle hands. They need to hold each other, kiss each other carefully, say things like "I didn't mean it." Ask each other "Are you ok?"
But for some reason she will never be willing to explore nor explain, they need this more.
Normally, she wouldn't angrily push Olivia's hands away when the brunette starts working on getting her clothes off. But in the middle of losing what little she has left of control, she needs to at least have this. To be able to get undressed on her own.
"Bed." Olivia demands when Amanda is left in only her underwear.
It would've been better to get it over with right here, she thinks. But with the way those brown eyes are staring at her, burning into her, something tells her that the floor or a wall simply won't suffice.
It's a struggle to get from the hallway to the bedroom, because of the constant push and pull. And by the time they reach their final destination, she knows that Olivia has already marked her, and vice versa. Right now it's just angry red marks on their necks, on their shoulders and arms. By this time tomorrow, those marks will have turned into multicolored stories about how the last seven years lead them to do something like this.
There's a short moment when Olivia pushes her down on the bed, where reality sets in and she suddenly remembers that she hasn't been intimate with anyone since long before giving birth to Billie. But before she can even consider voicing her concerns, both in regards to how her body looks now, and the fact that she's not even sure if she's physically ready, she pushes the thought away.
This isn't supposed to feel good anyway.
She's just about to lose herself in the mess and the complete chaos that is her and Olivia, when the woman now partially on top of her, reaches behind her back to undo her bra.
"No." Amanda says as she grabs the wandering and impatient hand to stop her. Before Olivia has any time to react she gives the shortest explanation she can think of. "Still breastfeeding."
Normally, this is where the other woman would've paused. Asked her if she is uncomfortable. Asked if they should slow down, or stop what they're doing all together. But she doesn't, and Amanda doesn't want her to. So the bra stays on, they forget their short exchange, and go back to the destructive escape they're both desperately searching for tonight.
She flips them over, and ignores Olivia's whimpers when her nails scratches her skin while pulling her slacks down. Instinctively, she wants to stop and take a moment to appreciate how good the woman in front of her looks in just her purple lace thong, but this isn't about neither admiration nor appreciation. So, she doesn't allow herself to stop.
Instead, she pulls the underwear down just as violently and impatiently as she did with the pants.
For a split second, when she's hovering over her, one hand wrapped tightly around Olivia's wrist, and one hand resting just above her pelvis, they share a look. She's just about to say something, ask if the woman panting beneath her is ok, if they should stop, but Olivia's free hand comes around her neck and pulls her down.
It doesn't really feel like a kiss. It feels more like a continuation of the angry and heated words they said to each other just a few hours prior. And when the brunette bites down on her lip, hard enough for Amanda to cry out, hard enough for it to split open and make them both taste blood, she can feel that anger in every single cell in her body.
So she gives Olivia no warning before she moves her hand, roughly pushes her legs apart and enters her with two fingers.
The fact that she is both surprised and relieved to find her wet and ready hurts more than the fresh cut on her lip. She knows how the female body works, how it can respond to physical touch without actually wanting it, and she can't push away the thought that this is simply that. Just a physical reaction beyond Olivia's control.
For a split second she wonders if her self restraints are so shattered tonight that she would've fucked her like this even if she wasn't wet at all. The thought alone is enough to almost make her stomach turn, so she bites down on Olivia's neck and forces herself to focus solely on one thing; The loud moans now filling the dark room. They sound real enough, so for the time being, she doesn't stop her merciless thrusts.
She doesn't know what exactly, a sharp cry maybe, but something makes Amanda raise her head to look at her, a moment of weakness just to check that she's here.
And then she sees it. There's pain in Olivia's eyes, on her face, on her pursed lips, between her eyebrows. Physical and emotional pain. And something else that Amanda doesn't know how to read.
Fear? Yes. Real, actual fear.
Can't do this. Not like this. Can't look at her.
And apparently, neither can Olivia.
The hand that's been twisted in Amanda's hair comes down between them and grabs her wrist. "Wait."
"What?"
Please, just tell me to stop. Tell me to slow down. Tell me you don't want me to do you like this.
The brunette doesn't respond, instead she moves on her side. Wordlessly telling the detective "fuck me from behind because I can't look at your face right now."
Olivia's unwillingness to shut all of this down sets something off in the detective. Fine. Screw this. If that's what you need, then that's what you're gonna fucking get.
When their positions have changed, Amanda realize that her fingers won't do. It's suddenly too intimate, too close to what they normally do.
Normally do. The thought almost makes her laugh, or cry. They haven't slept together in almost a year. They don't normally do this at all, not anymore.
She reaches over to the other side, opens the top drawer on her bedside table and rustles around for a few seconds.
"What are you doing?" Olivia asks breathlessly and annoyed, pushing her hips backwards to let her know that she just wants to finish what they've started.
"Fucking you." The blonde responds with a flat and lifeless voice just as her hand closes around what she was looking for. She turns it on and the low mechanical sound that fills the room brings out a deep groan from the woman next to her. Because Olivia suddenly knows what's about to happen.
Her deep groan quickly turns into strangled sobs when Amanda pushes into her and uses the vibrator as roughly as she just used her hand. And in the matter of seconds, Olivia is squirming against the sheets, twisting and turning until she is on her stomach, pushing her head down against the pillow while practically screaming into it.
Amanda follows her, move by move, and gives her no time to adjust, not even to catch her breath.
Her arm is on fire as she continues to thrust into her from behind, but she needs that fire to burn wild and free, to distract her from the fact that she's not entirely sure if the other woman is crying from pain or pleasure.
But when a particularly loud and startling sob pierces through the air and settles in the walls around them, she stops what she's doing.
"Don't." Olivia gasps as she lifts herself up a little. "Don't stop." She rocks her hips back a couple of times when Amanda still hasn't moved.
She hasn't moved because tears are rolling down her cheeks now and she needs to get those tears under control before she can continue.
"Fuck, Amanda. I said don't stop."
"Just give me a fucking second." Her voice is louder and harsher than expected and it's all in an attempt to cover up the tremble that threatens to reveal just how much pain she is in.
She inhales slowly through her nose, pulls the vibrator halfway out and watch as Olivia braces herself by grabbing the corners of the pillow.
And then she push into her again, completely without restraint, completely without mercy, completely without emotion. And she does it again, and again, and again.
She squeezes her eyes shut when Olivia buries her face in the pillow and lets out a string of curses and sounds that are stuck somewhere between utter heartbreak and overwhelming satisfaction.
Amanda's eyes are still closed when two gut wrenching words leave the lieutenant's lips. Suddenly she remembers how it felt when that bullet pierced through her shoulder all those years ago. Because that's exactly how it feels when Olivia's words reach her ears.
"Hit me."
What the fuck did she just say?
"Liv..."
"I said hit me."
She immediately lets go off the toy without removing it, leans over the brunette and places her mouth next to her ear. "I'm not doing that." Her words comes out through gritted teeth.
"I know you want to."
The realization that washes over her is sickening. She's not wrong. Olivia is not fucking wrong. Amanda can try and deny it, but that violence lives inside her whether she wants it to or not. Today in particular.
She can't get herself to move, so she just keeps breathing heavily next to Olivia's ear. Waiting for something to happen, silently praying for the woman laying underneath her to take it back.
For fuck's sakes, Liv. Say that you didn't mean it.
"Just do it, goddamnit."
She has no idea how, but with a clenched jaw and arms trembling with both disbelief and rage, she gets back up again, grabs Olivia roughly by the hips and lifts her up, eliciting something that sounds like a choked whimper from the brunette.
Except for their unsteady breaths and the low buzzing sound coming from the vibrator still rhythmically pulsating, the room is dead silent for a moment.
While she contemplates the unimaginable, she moves one hand down and between Olivia's legs and a loud moan penetrates the heavy air between them when she locates her clit. Because if she's going to do this, she needs her right on the edge.
I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
Her apology is never spoken, and Olivia gets no warning before Amanda's flat hand comes down hard against her exposed and slightly perspiring skin.
Three times, and she holds her breath from start to finish. It's enough for the skin to turn a dark shade of red, almost purple. It's enough to make Amanda hate herself more than she ever has before. And it's enough to make Olivia come, sobbing and gasping with her hands fisted around white sheets.
"Off." The brunette desperately pleads before she turns her head. "Turn it off. I need it off."
As lost and confused as she feels, she's at least quick in her reactions and the vibrator is turned off and removed in the matter of seconds. She lets it fall to the floor with a heavy thud, knowing full well that there's no chance in hell she'll ever use that thing ever again.
Olivia turns around abruptly, effectively forcing them to look at each other and to acknowledge that what just happened, actually happened. She's still coming down from her climax and the detective can only hope that's why those brown eyes look so distant and dark.
"I'm-" Amanda starts. Sorry. But she doesn't finish the sentence because Olivia sits up, pulls her towards her and down to straddle her lap.
In a fleeting moment when their eyes really meet and they're close enough to breathe each other's air, it almost seems like they have found their way back to each other. But it's short lived, because suddenly the brunette reaches down between them and fills her with not one, not two, but three fingers.
Her head falls back and her nails dig into the other woman's back as the unexpected and burning sensation spreads from between her legs to every single part of her body, all the way from her ankles and up her spine and into her goddamn soul.
Fuck, it hurts. Her body wasn't ready for this, not by a long shot.
The pain instinctively makes her move away, lift herself up and squirm in Olivia's lap. Her moans are not a result of pleasure and they both know it, but she can't get herself to ask Olivia to stop, and Olivia is too unfocused and distracted from the high that nearly crushed her just one minute ago.
I hurt you, now you get to hurt me. It's only fair.
She grabs Olivia's free hand and moves it up her stomach, between her breasts and up to cover her throat.
This is what is has come to. After seven years of loving her in every single way possible. Here I am, leveling the playing field by making her choke me.
"Do it."
"No." The brunette's voice is so hoarse it's barely audible, but she makes up for it by putting more force into her thrusts.
"Do it!"
She ignores the tear that suddenly rolls down Olivia's cheek and adjusts her hand so that it's completely closed around her neck.
"I know you want to." Amanda says, echoing the other woman's brutal truth from a few minutes ago.
She watches as Olivia squeeze her eyes shut, forcing more tears to pour out. And then finally the grip tightens as the lieutenant gives in to her twisted demand.
All the times they've been in this position before, it always felt so safe, so right. It makes her wonder if this is how their last time is going to play out. If this is how it ends. Because surely they can't come back from something like this?
And if that's the case, then fuck it. Then it might as well hurt.
So they keep going, destroying each other again and again, until Amanda physically can't take it anymore. She shakes her head violently from side to side, signaling to Olivia that she needs to let go.
"Stop." She cries the husky word out before she puts her hands on Olivia's shoulders and pushes her down.
Enough. I need to put an end to this. I can't take it anymore.
Amanda is still gasping for air when she moves herself up and kneels with Olivia's head between her legs, grabbing the wooden headboard in front of her as the lieutenant's hands pulls at her hips and pushes her down against her mouth.
There's really no reason to hold back her moans, but she still bites down on her own wrist when the sensation rocks her to her core. A few minutes more. That's all she can take. And then this, whatever happened here tonight, will be buried and forgotten.
She forces herself to concentrate solely on what Olivia's tongue is doing, back and forth, up and down, circles. And then finally, her climax is within reach. She keeps grinding her hips, completely oblivious to whether the woman between her legs is able to breathe or not.
But something is missing. She doesn't know what it is, but it's like her body won't give in until she gets it. And then Olivia's hands comes up behind her and when her nails dig into her skin and runs down from below her shoulder blades to her hips, drawing blood along the way, that's when she finally unravels.
Amanda will never admit to having the most earth shattering orgasm of her life tonight. Not when she has dried blood on her lip, marks all over her body and a burning sensation in the palm of her hand after hurting Olivia the way that she did.
So she blames it on months of celibacy.
That's gotta be it right? I'm still hormonal, haven't been touched in months. That's why. That's why I'm close to passing out. That's why I can literally feel the climax running down my thighs. It has nothing to do with what we just did.
She is still shaking when she moves herself off Olivia and collapses down on her back.
Every fiber of her being wants and needs to move closer, wrap her arms around the other woman, and never let go. But she can't, because just the feeling of their legs slightly brushing up against each other is too much right now.
"This-" She hears herself say, without understanding how it is even possible for her to find her voice right now. "Never happened."
"I know." And just like that, Olivia moves to get up from the bed.
She throws an arm over her face and forces her eyes to stay closed, because she knows that the captain's hands are trembling as she works to get her clothes back on. She knows that Olivia has tears in her eyes, that she's probably crying. And she just can't face it. She can't face the pain and the absolute havoc they both caused tonight.
When Amanda hears her apartment door close five minutes later, she realize that no amount of showers will ever be enough to get rid off what just happened between them.
A/N: Whew… Happy 4th…? Brb, gonna go throw myself out of a moving vehicle a few times.
