A/N: I know, that last chapter was brutal. I promise it'll be addressed at some point (a short mention in the next chapter, but what happened deserves a real talk and that will have to wait).
Your feedback was (as always) greatly appreciated, but for that chapter especially because I was so nervous when I posted it. So thank you for sticking with me!
I wish I could provide you with a breather, but we're back in present day and things are bad. It's my intention for parts of this chapter to feel a little random and all over the place, because most of it is Amanda's head and she's not in a good place.
TW: Violence, eating disorder, suicidal thoughts, sexual assault, emotional terror.
CHAPTER 23 – NOVEMBER 2021
"Can't sleep, huh?"
"Mama." The toddler whimpers with her arms outstretched towards Olivia.
"I know… I know." I want mama, too. "Come here, sweetie."
Billie calms down as soon as she's placed on the captain's hip, and her slightly flushed face and tiny sniffles serves as the only evidence of her loud cries just a minute prior. Olivia moves them over to the bed where she lies down with Billie on her chest, rubbing her back gently.
"I know you miss her so much." The brunette whispers as a tear falls down her cheek only to land on the top of Billie's head. She can't remember the last time she went a full day without crying, and she wonders for a moment if it's physically possible to run out of tears to shed. "We're doing everything we can to bring her home."
But not enough. It's just not enough.
"And no matter what happens, you should know that your mommy is the bravest and the strongest person I know. And she loves you so, so much. I know that wherever she is, all she can think about is coming home to you and your sister. I know she dreams about you at night, and that she thinks about you all the time when she's awake."
Dear God, let this be true.
"You know, I wasn't very nice to her when I first met her. Can you believe that?" Olivia smiles sadly as she keeps rubbing Billie's back. "Who can't be nice to someone like her, right? But it didn't take long before I saw just how amazing she is."
It just took me forever to let her know that's how I feel.
"And you wanna know a little secret? That not even Jesse or Noah knows?" She kisses Billie's head then and rocks her gently from side to side when the little girl squirms a little in her arms. "I have never loved anyone like I love her. And if, when, when she comes home, I will make sure she knows that."
Every. Single. Day.
"I promise that I'll do everything I can to make her happy. It might take a little while to get there, but I won't give up. Because no matter what happens, I'll never stop loving her. Or you. Or Jesse." She carefully runs a hand through Billie's short blonde hair as she feels the toddler relax completely against her. "And even if… If she doesn't come home, I'll be here, ok? I know I can never take her place. But I'll be here."
Olivia squeezes her eyes shut and swallows a cry that was just about to tumble out of her. Wherever you are, Amanda… Just do whatever you need to stay alive. I know you can. Please, just do it for your girls. Please, please don't give up.
She shakes her head, forcing herself to stay calm so her racing heart won't somehow upset the little girl resting on top of her. "But we can't think like that. I know we'll get her back." She whispers.
After getting a sleeping Billie back in the portable crib next to her bed, Olivia walks over to the windows and wraps her arms around herself, staring out into the New York night.
As the first snow of 2021 starts falling down from the dark sky, she tries but fails at shutting out those unwanted and intrusive images from her head. Images of Amanda alone, cold, hurt and scared. The only comfort, as small and useless as it is, is knowing that if that's the case, then at least she's still alive.
Fuck, it's cold.
You've got to stop thinking about how cold it is. It's not doing you any good.
I don't fucking care.
You have to care. At least a little. Come on, think about somewhere warm. Remember that first night at the cabin in New Hampshire? When you woke up in the middle of the night and you found Liv sleeping on top of the covers because she was so warm? Remember how you just stayed there, watching her sleep for like an hour? How beautiful she loo-
Stop. I can't do this anymore.
So that's it, huh? You don't care about your girls? About Frannie? About Liv and Noah? You're just gonna lie here and give up?
What's the point? He's gonna kill me soon anyway. And I'm too weak to fight him.
He might make a mistake. Leave the door open, or-
Just stop. I'm done. I want him to kill me. I would've done it myself if I could.
Why don't you?
Huh?
Kill yourself? If you really want to die, there's always a way. Why give him the satisfaction of doing it?
I honestly think he would get more satisfaction if I did it myself. Because that means he won.
Didn't he already win, though? You have barely moved in days. You're not sleeping. You're not eating.
What's the fucking point?
It's a little ironic, though, don't you think? You've been starving yourself for years, and one day when they find your body, they'll find out that's exactly what killed you.
Ironic. Sure.
No, but think about it.
I really don't want to.
You had finally decided to get better, and here you are, wasting away against your own will. Or is this actually you killing yourself? Is that what you're doing?
I don't know.
He's gonna hurt you if you don't eat today. You realize that, right?
I know.
Weird how obsessed he is with that.
Guess he wants to keep me alive a little longer.
Why, though?
Who knows.
You know. You know these things. You understand guys like him.
He's not Yates. Or Lewis. He's different. I think he cares more about the psychological terror than the physical pain.
Don't be too sure about that.
I mean, he hasn't actually raped me. He hasn't exactly tortured me.
Really? Are you defending him now?
No. No. I'm not.
Kinda sounded like you did. Is this a case of Stockholm syndrome or something?
No. I'm just tired.
You've been tired for a long time.
She lifts herself up then as she scoffs and mumbles "I'll drink to that."
Look at you. Up and walking.
I need to pee. And I need water.
Good for you.
The clean sweatpants he suddenly provided her with a few days ago falls below her protruding hipbones as she moves slowly and unsteady towards the bathroom. She holds them up with her hands until she reaches the toilet.
I don't think I can lose anymore weight. Not sure if my body can handle it.
You're probably right.
She clenches her jaw and furrows her eyebrows while she empties her bladder. It's been way too long since she got up to use the toilet and there's a stabbing pain in her back that now suddenly replaces the pressure in her lower belly that made her get up in the first place.
Kidney infection?
I've heard kidney stones are a bitch. You need to drink more water. You should at least try to take care of yourself.
"What's the fucking point!" She screams hoarsely as she clings to the white porcelain after rinsing her hands under the cold water.
God, I miss soap.
She had tried to do the math. There had been an almost full shampoo bottle when she got here. It had been empty for at least a week, maybe more. Granted, she didn't use nearly as much as she usually did at home, so maybe five weeks? Six weeks? But then again, why was it so cold all of a sudden? It had been bearable not that long ago.
She can't help but think that if she hadn't fucked up her body before all of this, she could've at least had some idea based on her period, but she hadn't had one since December.
Where are you, Liv?
Did you give up? I know I told you to let me go, but did you actually do it? I can't do this anymore.
After showing her the hidden camera footage of Olivia and Cassidy, he had only brought the iPad back two times. And both times, Olivia was alone, sitting under a blanket on the couch. Clinging to a glass of wine. That ghostly expression on her face had been etched on Amanda's brain and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop picturing it.
Is she unable to take care of the kids? Did I really break her that much? Where are my girls? Please, don't let them stay with my parents, Liv. Anywhere but there.
She's still holding on to the sink, distracting herself from the physical ache by letting painful thoughts fill her mind, when she hears the door being unlocked and opened.
Maybe this time? Maybe he's finally done with me now?
Amanda doesn't even bother turning her head to look at him. Instead she waits for Henry to come to her.
If you want me, come get me.
"Are you sick?" He asks, and by now she has learned to hate that specific gentle tone in his voice. That tone means trouble.
"Nope." She shakes her head stubbornly, without moving away, without looking up.
"You look sick."
Amanda should've seen it coming, but she still lets out a sharp yelp when he suddenly pulls her by the hair, drags her through the room, and violently forces her down on the mattress. "I told you to eat!" She doesn't get the chance to respond before he flips her over and starts tying her hands behind her back.
She wants to scream, kick, do anything, something, but her body is completely unresponsive and the only sounds that leave her are a few choked sobs.
So this is it.
This is how it ends. He's gonna rape me now and I won't survive because my body is just too weak to handle it.
You should've just eaten that goddamn granola bar.
Her eyes are closed as he pulls down the sweatpants and throws them across the room. Her ragged breaths are becoming more and more superficial now as she waits for him to do the same with her underwear. She lays completely still as she braces herself for what's about to happen.
This is it. He's killing me now, right? Rape first, murder after? Or during?
But instead of continuing the vicious process of undressing her, he moves to straddle her, pressing her hips down against the mattress.
"You won't even fight me? Tell me to stop?" He spits the words out as he moves a hand inside the pocket of his jeans. "I told you I was gonna make you melt from the inside, right? And I think it's fair to say that we've reached… the melting point, don't you agree?"
Agreed.
"So what's the endgame, huh? I could rape you, sure. Or I could just kill you right now. Get it over with. Bury your body somewhere in the woods."
Please. Just do it.
"But where's the fun in that?" His voice is as flat as it is dark when he lowers himself and holds up the key in front of her face. "There are things I could do to you that are so much worse."
Amanda stares blankly ahead while her brain works to process what he's talking about. When the realization finally hits her, she gasps. No, no, no, no, no… "NO!" She tries to move then, using what little strength she has left to lift herself up, but his weight on her is relentless and she struggles in vain. "Henry! Don't!"
I should've seen this coming. I knew he had the key. I knew he had been in her apartment before, that he knows where she lives. Oh, god… The girls. What if-
Her internal panic is interrupted when he suddenly turns her around, making her wince as her arms get trapped behind her and the shift sends a burning sensation through both her shoulders. He sits down on her stomach, effectively trapping her and making it impossible for her to move at all. "I'm sure captain Benson says hello." He smiles down at her and that is the last thing she sees before his fist smashes against her face.
Open your mouth.
What?
You need to open your mouth.
I can't breathe.
That's because your nose is clogged with blood and your mouth is closed. Open your fucking mouth.
She gasps for air as her eyes fly up, only to fall back down again when the room immediately starts spinning violently, making her stomach turn.
Oh, fuck, it hurts.
Yeah, your nose is broken.
When did that happen? Why can't I move my arms?
Stop playing stupid. You remember.
Henry. The key. Olivia. The girls.
All the pain he has put her through, and all the pain she ever felt before all of this, pales in comparison when she finally remembers how she ended up passed out with her hands tied tightly behind her back. She turns on her side as a loud scream rips through her, through her chest and through her heart. And for a while, that is all she does. She screams. And then everything turns dark again.
"Hey, wake up." A sudden shove against her shoulder jolts her out of her unconscious state. "Miss me?" It takes her a while to register and take in what she's looking at. A nightmare. Right? I'm just dreaming.
But two strong hands roughly lifting her up serves as a harsh reality check. She's not sleeping. This might be a nightmare, but she's definitely awake.
"Hey." He says as he grabs her shoulders before shaking her, forcing her to meet his eyes. "You with me?"
No. I'm not with you. I'm don't think I'm anywhere anymore.
Don't look. Whatever you do, don't look.
Look where?
Down. Don't look down.
"What did you do, Henry?" She hears herself whisper when her eyes land on his blood covered jacket.
"I think this is where you and I part ways, detective Rollins." He ignores her question and stares at her with something that looks like a sad smile. "You're basically already dead now anyway."
"What did you do?"
"Let's go for a walk."
A/N: I really don't know what's wrong with me. But hang in there, everyone.
