A/N: I know everyone is waiting to find out what's going to happen in the next present day chapter, and trust me, I'm working to get it finished as soon as possible. But first, one of the last trips down memory lane (there will only be one more flashback after this). This is November 2019 – Must Be Held Accountable, after the episode ends.
Btw, I wrote most of this while dealing with post vaccine fatigue, so it's very possible you'll find a few mistakes. Blame Pfizer, not me.
CHAPTER 24 – NOVEMBER 2019
With Billie on her hip, the detective opens her door and stares at the woman in front of her with a surprised look on her face. "Liv?"
"Hi… Hey."
"Hi aunt Amanda."
"Hi Noah."
"Wh- What are you guys doing here?"
"I was going to call. But then I remembered your phone got-" Olivia stops herself as she looks down at her son. "That you don't have a phone right now."
"Yeah… right."
"And Noah missed the girls." The added "and I missed you" is totally unnecessary, because the tone in her voice and the look on her face says it all.
"He did, huh?" The blonde eyes her with a smirk before smiling down at Noah. "The girls missed you, too. Didn't you, Billie?" She playfully pokes her in the tummy, making the toddler squirm and giggle in her arms.
The six year old looks from Amanda to Olivia then. "Mom, ask her." He mumbles shyly.
"Ask me what?"
"Well, Noah and I wondered if… if you and the girls might want to do a sleepover? I mean, since it's already a little late. If you're too tired-"
"I'm not too tired." Amanda interrupts and holds the door open, motioning for them to come inside. She watches as Olivia hesitates, a little too long for it to go unnoticed, before she finally steps inside behind her son.
Is this what we have become? Afraid to be in the same room? Is she scared of me? Am I scared of her?
"Show aunt Amanda what you brought, Noah." The brunette says, effectively pulling the detective from her thoughts.
He takes of his backpack and opens it, before he enthusiastically starts pulling out a number of books. "I'm too old for these now."
"He claims to be too old." Olivia adds while she takes off her coat. "I disagree. But I couldn't come up with a good argument when he said he wanted to give some of his old books to Jesse and Billie."
"That is so sweet of you, Noah. We were actually in bed reading when you knocked on the door. Wanna join us and we can finish it together? And then maybe you and Jesse can pick one of these to read as well?"
"Ok."
"You too." Amanda says, looking at Olivia before she turns around and moves towards the bedroom.
"Jesse, look who came to visit."
The little girl peers up and smiles shyly when she sees Noah, who is currently carrying six books in his arms.
Amanda's eyes are initially trained on the kids, but when she turns to look at the woman next to her, she suddenly realize what Olivia must be thinking. The new bed. The recently painted walls. She had basically renovated her entire bedroom since the last time the captain was here.
"It looks good." Olivia finally says.
"Needed a change." Amanda shrugs before biting down on her lip. "It wasn't…" Because of what happened. But she can't get herself to say it, mostly because that wouldn't be entirely true, and, because the kids are sitting just a few feet away.
"Change is good." The captain nods, and the smile that follows is a strange mix of forced and genuine.
"I want to read this one!" Jesse exclaims, making them break eye contact and look towards the bed.
The blonde walks over to study the book that her daughter has picked out from the pile. "Aren't you a little too old for this?"
"But we can read it to Billie. And I want Livia to read it."
"Ok, then." Amanda says as she gets settled on the bed. "Liv, you heard the boss."
With Jesse in her lap, Billie in Amanda's and Noah tucked in between them, Olivia takes a deep breath, opens the book, and just as she's about to start, she subtly reaches her arm behind Noah, making her hand linger close to the detective's hair.
"I love your happy side, your sad side, your silly side, your mad side." Her hand gently and a little timidly touches the back of Amanda's neck. "I love your fingers and toes, your ears and nose."
Initially feeling a little tense and awkward, Amanda lets herself relax into the soothing touch that the captain's hand is now providing. "I love your hair and eyes, your giggles and cries."
Olivia moves her hand down to the blonde's shoulder then, where she lets it rest. "I love you running and walking, silent and talking."
And then she gives the shoulder a gentle, yet firm squeeze. "I love you through and through… Yesterday, today and tomorrow, too."
As she closes the book, she turns to look at the blonde, and almost immediately something settles between them. A newfound calmness that has been missing for way too long. Amanda can't get herself to look away, and she smiles softly as a tear slowly trickles down on her cheek. Who knew a random children's book could fix everything that has just felt so broken for such a long time.
"One more!" Jesse demands as she moves over to the pile of books scattered at the foot of the bed.
"One more." Olivia echoes with a smile on her face, her eyes still fixed on the other woman.
When Amanda wakes up three hours later, she's confused to find the room dark and empty, except for the brunette sleeping next to her. The bowls of ice cream she had begrudgingly brought them for the second book has been cleared away from her bedside table, and the kids are nowhere around.
After quietly tiptoeing out of the room, she finds Billie sleeping peacefully in her crib, and in Jesse's room she finds her oldest daughter in her bed and Noah on the spare mattress. Without understanding how, she realizes that she must've dozed off during one of Olivia's several bed time stories, and not woken up while the brunette got the kids to bed. She's not quite sure if it's heartwarming or worrisome.
Amanda carefully closes the door before she silently walks into her kitchen to find a glass of water. Just as she's about to fill the second glass, she flinches when Olivia's voice fills the otherwise quiet room.
"There you are."
"Did I really sleep through you putting all three kids to bed?" The blonde says as she lifts herself up on the kitchen counter.
"Yeah, you did. And after what you just went through? I don't blame you." She closes the distance between them and lets a hand come up to move a few loose strands of hair behind Amanda's ear. "How are you feeling?"
"I don't know." Amanda admits. "Tired. A little shaky. Do you know how Dr. Hanover is doing?"
"I think she'll be fine. But you shouldn't be worrying about her right now."
"I know. I just… I feel bad, you know? That she got dragged into this because of me."
"Not because of you. Because of Bucci, and because of Steve Getz. This wasn't your fault, Amanda."
"I guess." The detective shrugs, not really finding much comfort in Olivia's words.
She looks down at the fidgeting hands in her lap, hoping that she's wrong in her assumptions about what the brunette is about to say next.
"So…" Here it comes. "We've barely seen each other outside work since-"
"Liv… I don't… We don't have to talk about that."
"I think we do."
She lifts her head to look at the woman in front of her. "Maybe you're right, but I just can't do it tonight."
"I get that." The brunette sighs and nods, somehow managing to look relieved and a little defeated at the same time. "Can I… hug you?"
Amanda wants to laugh then, at the stark contrast from the last time Olivia was here in her apartment. Memories of what they did flashes through her head while she stares at the woman who just timidly asked for a hug, like they have never touched each other before.
"That you can do."
Olivia wraps her arms around her and immediately hums against the crook of her neck, as if she's been holding her breath ever since that FaceTime call, or maybe since that night back in February. "I was so worried, Amanda."
"I know." The blonde nods as she wraps her arms around the other woman's neck.
"What do you need?" Olivia whispers before she moves her head a little and kisses Amanda's cheek.
The answer to the captain's question rushes through her body as soon as she feels those lips against her skin. "This. You."
"I'm right here." She mumbles, as her mouth moves closer to Amanda's lips.
"I need more." The detective admits.
"Here? Now?"
"Just… kiss me." She aligns their lips then and lets her hands run through Olivia's hair, suddenly overwhelmed by a physical impatience she hasn't felt in a long time. She's just about to deepen the kiss when two hands grab her by the shoulders and gently pushes her back a little.
"Wait… wait. Slow down."
"Sorry." Amanda mumbles, feeling slightly ashamed of her blunt behavior.
"I know you. And I worry that this is just you distracting yourself."
"Isn't that what we do, though?"
"I don't… I don't want that."
Amanda leans back and looks at her. This conversation suddenly took an unexpected turn.
"What do you want?"
"I just… want to know that you're ok. That you're going to take care of yourself, and not brush this off like it was just another day on the job."
"I cried on Carisi's suit. Does that help?" Amanda shrugs.
"How is that supposed to help?"
"It means, I let it out. I got it out of my system."
"You know it doesn't work like that. Jesus, you were held at gun point, drove around for hours, not knowing wh-"
The detective holds up her hands to stop her. "Liv, this is not just about distraction."
"Then what is it about?"
Don't you get it? It's you. It's about you. Always you.
She smiles softly before she leans back in and starts placing small and gentle kisses against the brunette's neck. "Me, missing you." Amanda admits with a breathy voice. "Missing your skin." She says before her tongue comes out to tease Olivia's pulse point.
"Missing your body." Her hands travel from her waist, under her T-shirt, up her ribs and over her breasts. "Missing every single part of you." She emphasizes the last words by palming both breasts before letting her thumbs brush over two very responsive nipples. She can feel the other woman melt into her touch and she smirks against the now wet skin on her neck. "And… I really don't want that last time to be our last time." Amanda confesses.
"I don't want that either." Olivia whispers before a low moan escapes her when the detective's thumbs press down and moves in tight circles against the now overly sensitive nubs.
As much as she wants to keep going, she more than anything wants both of them to feel safe, for this to be everything their last time wasn't. "If you want to stop, we can stop."
"No." Her response is quick and without hesitation, leaving no room for doubt.
"Then touch me." She grabs Olivia's hand and moves it to the waistband of her pajama pants.
"Amanda…"
"What?" The blonde asks as she spreads her legs a little wider, fully accommodating the other woman and making it perfectly clear what she wants. When Olivia hasn't said anything after several seconds, she leans back and looks at her, searching her eyes for whatever she was just about to say. And she doesn't have to search for long because it is written all over her face.
"I know." Amanda whispers. Using those two simple words to acknowledge everything that will be left unsaid between them.
I was scared, too.
I thought about you, too.
I've missed you, too.
I'm sorry, too.
I love you, too.
With their eyes still locked, the hand slips inside the waistband, down and over the white lace that hides underneath. Amanda's breath hitches when Olivia's short nails gently scrapes over the material, and when the brunette starts moving more intently against her, she gasps as her head falls back.
"Good?" The captain asks before she leans in and her lips latches onto Amanda's neck, mirroring what the blonde did to her just a moment ago. She can only nod in response because the sensation is quickly turning her brain into mush. "Inside." She eventually manages to breathe out.
"Not yet." Olivia mumbles against her skin, before her free hand comes up to the back of Amanda's head. "Kiss me." This time it's the brunette who deepens the kiss, filling the detective's mouth with her tongue, making her whimper softly from the combination of the kiss and the increased pressure between her legs.
It's been too long, and she's already on edge, suddenly desperate to feel Olivia's fingers on her and inside her. "Now, Liv." She whimpers again as she wraps her legs around the brunette's waist, rocking her hips a few times in the process. "I need you."
Just as the captain is about to push the now damp underwear aside, a small voice can be heard from down the hall.
"Mama?"
"Shit." Amanda whispers as Olivia abruptly removes her hand before the blonde jumps down from the countertop, hastily straightening her clothes in the process. When Jesse pads into the kitchen, they are both standing perfectly still, arms folded, lips pursed, trying to control their breathing.
"Hey, baby. It's… It's not morning yet."
"I'm thirsty."
"Ok, let's get you some water." The blonde sighs, ignoring how her heart is still pounding in her chest. "Go back to bed, Liv. I'll be there in a minute."
"Where were we?" Olivia smiles as Amanda climbs into bed next to her.
Instead of giving her an answer, she closes the distance between them, kissing her fiercely as she moves herself on top of her. But despite wanting nothing except the brunette's hands on her just a few minutes ago, something suddenly feels wrong. And as much as she wants it to, her body just won't respond to the way Olivia is currently kissing and touching her.
As much as she tries, she fails to shut her mind off, and suddenly a conversation they had over a year ago fills her head. "I'm not going anywhere."
And then, for the second time that day, she breaks down.
"Hey…" Olivia whispers while quickly moving her wandering hands to cup her cheeks.
"I was so scared, Liv."
"Oh, honey. I know."
"And I've missed you. I've missed this."
"Me too." Olivia admits. "So much."
"I'm sorry. I totally just ruined the mood." Amanda says as she rolls off the brunette.
"You didn't ruin anything." The captain turns on her side and places a hand over her chest. "I'm just… So happy to have you back."
The detective nods slowly as more tears runs freely down her face, knowing that the woman next to her isn't just talking about what happened today, but also the excruciating distance they both created that winter night almost nine months ago.
"I'm happy you're back, too." She whispers as she laces their fingers together before she moves on her side and finally lets her body relax when she finds herself wrapped up in Olivia's tight and safe embrace.
A/N: I hope this felt like a much needed breather in the middle of all the awfulness. And quick warning: Next chapter is definitely not a breather. Quite the opposite.
