A/N: Well. We're here.
This is one of the few chapters with a mandatory soundtrack, so get your music ready:
Noelle Johnson - Always Remember Us This Way
Brooklyn Duo - Yellow
Kinda/Snøw - Get You The Moon
CHAPTER 27 - NOVEMBER 2021
She really, really regrets not wearing her uniform.
She hadn't considered the fact that without her uniform she would stand out. Making it clear to everyone around her that here, in this place, she is not just one of Olivia's many colleagues and subordinates. It definitely wasn't her intention, but standing in front of the casket, her yellow dress becomes a very loud statement. An unabashed confession of love, making sure that the entire world can see that no, Olivia wasn't just her sister in blue.
She was so much more than that. She was the woman who had glued her back together time and time again. The person who had held her beaten, but somehow still beating heart for nine years. Kept her alive when she was literally dying. Pushed her to keep going when she had absolutely nothing left to give. Her best friend, her lover, the absolute safest place on earth.
Olivia Benson was the love of her life.
After all the complications they had stumbled through, together and apart, and in spite of every single aspect that made their relationship so insanely complex, it was, in the end, as simple as that.
Irreplaceable, incomparable, invaluable love.
And the yellow dress was Olivia's favorite. The one that made her eyes light up in a way they would never light up again. So how could she possibly wear something else?
The air is cold around her, but it's still a beautiful day, and it annoys her. A day like this should be soaked with rain, covered by dark and heavy clouds. The blue sky and the sun shining down on them is, in Amanda's opinion, maddening, offensive and completely ridiculous.
Her hand is clinging to Jesse's like their roles have suddenly been reversed. Like she's the child and Jesse is her mother, when it should be the other way around, because Jesse is heartbroken, too. Her other arm is wrapped around Noah's shoulders, and she can feel his muscles tense under her touch. Or maybe she's the one who is tense. She really doesn't know where her pain ends and his begins.
She's grateful for Carisi holding Billie in his arms, swaying her gently from side to side to keep her calm, because she knows she wouldn't be able, physically or emotionally, to hold anything or anyone right now. She's barely able to hold herself.
The priest is talking now, saying something about bravery, but it doesn't sit right with her to listen to him. Because listening to him talk about who Olivia Benson was, makes it all too real. Olivia Benson was brave. She isn't anymore.
Olivia Benson was.
It makes no sense that anyone could talk about her in past tense. Not when she's supposed to be immortal. She's supposed to exist forever, breathe forever, live forever, beautiful present tense Olivia. Because a world without her is simply inconceivable.
Suddenly Jesse nudges her hand and it makes her look away from the casket and down at her eldest daughter. "I found this, mama." The little girl says with her gentle voice, holding up a single, white rose. "I found it on the ground."
"It's beautiful, Jesse." She whispers as she tries to smile, but it's just impossible. Her lips refuse to obey, and right now it feels like she will never smile again.
"It's from Livia." Jesse holds it up a little higher, signaling that she wants her mother to take it.
"What do you mean?"
"For you. Because-"
Jesse's voice drifts away then and when she eventually grabs the flower, it's Olivia's voice that fills the silent air around her. "Cause sometimes we just… we just need a little pretty."
The unexpected sound of her voice makes her nauseous and light-headed, and for a second it feels like she's falling to her knees. But when she looks down, she's still standing, holding on to the rose while Jesse wraps her little arms around her leg and holds on tight.
She flinches and unwillingly moves her eyes back to the surreal scene in front of her when she hears the priest start to talk again. "She leaves behind her three children and her wife, Amanda."
Wife? Did he just say wife? How could he get it wrong? No one even knows about us? Is it because of the dress?
She wants to yell at him, because he's making fun of her, right?
She's not my wife. She should've been, but she's not. You can't just-
"We all know how much Amanda and the kids loved Olivia, and how much Olivia loved them. Please, keep them all in your prayers, today and in the painful, challenging days ahead."
Stop talking about her. Stop talking about us. You will never get it. No one will ever get it. Just… Stop talking.
"And now, Amanda would like to say a few words."
No, I can't. I can't do it. Please, don't make me.
Carisi comes up behind her then and leans in. "You gotta do it, Amanda."
But I can't.
"You gotta say something."
What am I supposed to say? You won't get it. I can't… I can't talk about how much I loved her. It's impossible to explain. And it's not my story to tell. It's ours. It was supposed to be our story to tell, together. I'm not even supposed to be here.
Without warning, she's pushed forward by Noah and Jesse, hard enough for her to stumble towards the casket, stopping only when she's just a couple of feet away, close enough to touch it.
What do I do now? I can't talk about us. I can't talk about how she used to touch me, how she looked at me, how she loved me. They won't get it. They will never understand.
Suddenly the only thing she's capable of channeling is rage. Because it just wasn't supposed to be like this. Their story wasn't supposed to end like this. It's not fair. Had she really spent the last nine years, secretly hoping for a life with this woman, only to end up here? Had their love persisted through all the shit life had thrown at them, only for her to stand here alone?
"Damnit, Liv! I fought for you!" Her flat hands comes down hard against the casket, as her cries pierces through the sickening silence around her. "I ran because you told me to run! I stayed alive for you and our kids. Why didn't you?" She keeps slamming her hands against the wood, like that is somehow going to bring Olivia back. "It's not fair!"
Arms are pulling at her now. Telling her things like "It's ok." And "you're safe." But it doesn't make any sense because nothing about this is ok and she definitely doesn't feel safe right now. Not without her. She felt safe with her and her only, so without her she knows that she will never feel safe again.
"Stop!" She screams as she's pulled away. "Stop!"
I can't do this. I can't let her go. Please, don't make me. Stop, stop, stop, stop-
"STOP!"
Suddenly she's not standing anymore, and she's not wearing that dress, and there's something heartbreakingly familiar about the hands currently trying to grab hers. She knows these hands.
"Hey… hey, Amanda… it's ok, it's ok, you're safe."
And that voice. She knows that voice. She's been in love with that voice for years.
"Wh-" She tries to open her eyes, but the fluorescent lights coming from somewhere above her forces her to keep them closed because it just hurts too much.
"It's ok, I'm here, sweetie." The voice cracks right before it's followed by a choked sob. "Oh, god, it's really you. You're awake."
This can't be real. I'm going crazy.
"Hey." The voice is suddenly stern, but still familiar. "Can you dim the lights a little? I think it's hurting her eyes."
What? Who are you talking to?
"Amanda, can you open your eyes for me? We've dimmed the lights. It's ok, honey."
We?
"It's just me and a nurse here. You're safe." The voice cracks again.
I have to know who's voice it is.
As she finally lets her hands be cradled, she starts blinking, enough to catch a set of brown, glossy eyes staring down at her. "No." She whispers as she shuts her eyes again. Because this means she's dead, too, right? Or, worse… Back in that house and she's just hallucinating?
The hands that held hers just a second ago are suddenly gone. "Ok, I won't touch you."
No, I need those hands back. Please.
With her eyes still closed, she fumbles around, desperate for the familiarity of that touch that she knows is just too good to be true.
Please, come back.
"Ok, ok, I'm here. I'm here. Just open your eyes when you're ready."
Ready for what?
She blinks again and this time her eyes don't hurt as much, all though she can't say the same for her heart. "You died." She whispers when she realizes that, yes, it is in fact Olivia standing next to her. She's changed, but it's her. She's here.
"Wh- No, honey, I'm-"
"He killed you."
And I'm either passed out in the forest somewhere, or he drugged me again and I'm dreaming, and he's going to come back soon, and-
"No, Amanda. He didn't."
She abruptly pulls her hands back and covers her face, wincing when she rubs them against her broken nose. Rocking back and forth, it's like she's willing herself back to reality, because she just can't deal with the insanity of this. It's too much. "He was in your apartment. He came back with your blood on his clothes."
A strangers voice fills the room then. "Ma'am, she's getting very agitated, I'm worried she'll hurt herself if-"
"He read the letter. He placed it in your hand. He…" She is gasping for air now, while still cradling her head in her hands.
"Ok, that's enough." The nurse says as she lifts the needle and moves towards the side of the bed. "She's going to hurt herself or you if we don't-"
Instinctively, Amanda looks up and her eyes widen with panic when she realizes what is about to happen. I can't do this. Not again. "No!" She screams as she pulls up her legs in an attempt to make herself as small as possible. "No drugs, please! I'll do anything. Please!"
"Get out!" Olivia yells, shoving the nurse away from Amanda's bedside. "You're not touching her without her permission. Now get out."
"But-"
"No! You've already poked and probed enough while she was unconscious. She's awake now, and she gets to call the shots. I'll make sure she doesn't hurt herself. Get. Out."
As grateful as she is for Olivia's little speech, she is still shaking uncontrollably when the startled nurse finally leaves the room. Because surely she is going insane. That's the only way to explain that right now, Olivia is not in a casket, she isn't buried in the ground. Right now, Olivia is looking right at her.
"Amanda, it's just us now. They're not gonna touch you, ok? It's just us."
She wants to nod, to show the woman standing by her side that she understands what she's saying. But instead, she just keeps staring at her.
Her eyes are sunken, new lines have appeared on her skin, her hair looks thinner, she looks thinner. And yet, somehow she has never looked more beautiful.
Is it safe? Is it safe to believe that she's actually here? That I'm here?
"Liv." Amanda says, only then realizing just how much she has missed saying her name like that, to her face. "Liv."
"Yeah." Olivia smiles through her tears as she goes back to cradling her hands, albeit carefully and gently. "It's me."
"It's you."
Please keep talking, Liv. Move a little, cry, do something. I need you to do something to make me believe that this isn't just all in my head.
And that's when Olivia breaks, her head falling down as loud cries reaches Amanda's ears. She does the only thing that makes sense and pulls her in closer, ignoring how her ribs are practically screaming at her for moving at all. I can hear her, see her, but I need to feel her, too.
No matter how hard she pulls at her, it's just not enough. It's not enough to convince her that this is actually happening. But somethings shifts when Olivia climbs into bed with her, hugs her tightly and presses her lips against her forehead, telling her over and over again "I love you."
It's really her. She's crying. These are her arms, this is her smell, this has to be real, right?
"I'm here, Amanda. And you're alive."
Are you sure?
A/N: …
