A/N: Apparently I had you a little worried in the last chapter, huh? Sorry about that, and thank you for trusting the journey, or at least sticking with it even though it hurts.
Now, I must warn you that this recovery won't be easy, or pretty, or linear. And at some point you'll hate me a little bit, or probably a lot.
But for now, there's A LOT to talk about and process for both our ladies.
Buckle up.
CHAPTER 28 – NOVEMBER 2021
The first time she wakes up, she wakes up screaming. Because she's back in that godforsaken forest, with him, and he's about to kill her. The second time she wakes up, she wakes up crying. Because now she's back in Olivia's funeral. Back in that yellow dress, standing in front of the casket, trying to comprehend how she's ever going to be able to say goodbye.
"Amanda, sweetie, I'm here." Olivia mumbles gently against her temple.
"You don't understand." The blonde shakes her head, her voice hoarse and barely audible.
"Tell me. Help me understand."
"He knew about the letter. He had my key. He was there. He was in your apartment."
Immediately, she feels Olivia tense up. The hand that's been rubbing Amanda's back stops momentarily and she can hear how her breaths are coming out faster and more superficial.
I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have-
"Well, he didn't hurt me. I'm ok." The brunette says with a slight tremble in her voice, but at least her hand starts moving again.
"I should've fought harder to get the key. He could've-"
"Stop. He didn't. Ok? I'm here."
And for now, that'll have to be enough, because Amanda is too tired to keep this conversation going.
The third time she wakes up, she's calm but confused, and the first thing she notices is that she's not cold anymore. Because right now, being cold is the only thing she can remember. That, and a street light. Nothing else.
She tries to move a little, just to check that she can, but she feels trapped. For a short moment, her heart starts to race but then she realizes what's keeping her in her place.
Olivia's arms and legs, wrapped around her.
And then she remembers something else.
Thinking, being fully convinced, that Olivia was dead. And then finding out that she's very much alive. Was all of it a dream? Or just parts of it? Because surely this is Olivia's body wrapped around hers. This is the sound of her steady breaths, the smell that is so characteristically her.
But there was a funeral?
The woman next to her moves slightly, hugging her even tighter, eliciting a short wince when her sore ribs protests against the snug embrace.
"Shit, did I hurt you?" She lifts her arm abruptly and leans back a little to look at her.
"It's ok." Amanda mumbles against her chest. "Don't let go."
They stay silent for a while, Amanda still feeling confused and Olivia clearly not knowing what to say. But eventually it's the brunette who breaks the silence.
"Did you get any sleep?"
"Mhm."
"Good. That's good." Olivia says followed by a relieved sigh. "Are you in any pain?"
"Yes." Amanda admits. Because she really is. Her entire body is throbbing.
"I'll get the doctor."
"No, wait." The blonde immediately clings to her. "Just give me a minute."
One more minute of just the two of us.
Because she knows that as soon as that door opens, pain, physical and emotional, is imminent. She doesn't want any more drugs in her system. And doctors means poking and uncomfortable questions and all the things that will keep reminding her of what she just survived. For one more minute, she wants to pretend that this is just another Sunday morning. Waking up close to Olivia's warm body, after one of their many sleepovers.
"I just… I don't want to deal with the world outside yet."
"Ok." Olivia whispers before she places a careful kiss at the top of her head. "Then we'll wait."
The one minute that Amanda initially wanted, eventually turns into fifteen. But playing pretend is officially over when there's a sudden knock at the door. She flinches immediately and for a second, the stranger stepping inside the room is him, coming back for her. She tries to tell herself that it's not, but her weary mind seems determined to keep playing tricks on her.
"Amanda, it's ok. It's just the doctor." Olivia says gently as she carefully lifts herself up and moves out of the bed.
"Don't leave." The blonde blurts out, mentally kicking herself for sounding so needy.
"I'm not leaving."
"I didn't mean to scare you, Amanda, I'm sorry." The stranger says, holding a hand over his chest as to emphasize the apology. "I'm Dr. Brooks."
Ok. Henry wouldn't apologize like that. It's not him.
She doesn't respond, but tries to sit herself up, only then realizing how much pain she's actually in.
"I've been in charge of your care since you got transferred. And if you're up for it, I thought we might go through the basics of what has happened?"
No. She doesn't want that. She doesn't want some stranger talking about her, about her body and what it's been through. Somehow it feels like just another violation of her freedom.
"Can you do it?" Amanda says, turning to Olivia. "Can you tell me? I mean if you know… the basics."
Olivia looks from the doctor and back to Amanda. "Yeah, I can do that."
The doctor gives them both a short nod. "Just press the red button if you need me." Before he opens the door to leave them alone he turns around. "They'll be serving breakfast soon, but we've got you on a liquid diet for now, to not overstimulate your system and to avoid what we call refeeding syndrome. It's just a precaution, and you should be able to eat solid foods in a few days."
Refeeding syndrome. Liquid diet. Solid foods. All of it just feels completely surreal and as the door closes behind him the only thought in her head is that at least she won't have to eat granola bars ever again.
"You sure about this?" Olivia asks timidly as she sits down at the foot of the bed.
No. Absolutely not.
"Let's just get it over with."
"We can wait until after breakf-"
"No."
"Ok." Olivia says, looking like she's dreading this just as much as her. "Remember, you can tell me to stop, any time. Just say the word or hold up a hand and we'll stop."
"I can take it."
"I know, but you don't have to."
Amanda simply stares at her then, because they both know this conversation needs to happen sooner rather than later.
"Ok." Olivia says before she takes a deep breath, clearly bracing herself for what she's about to reveal. "You went missing August 16th. You were brought to the hospital November 5th. Today is November 8th. You were gone for eighty-one days."
Eighty-one days.
"Amanda?"
Eighty-one days.
"Honey?"
Eighty-one days.
"Maybe we should stop."
A gentle hand on her leg nudges her back to reality and when she meets Olivia's eyes again, they are filled with worry. Worry and tears.
"Keep going." Amanda says flatly.
"We can sto-"
"I said keep going."
If we don't do this now, I won't be able to do it at all.
She watches as Olivia takes another deep breath before she gives in and continues.
"When you were found, you were severely dehydrated, malnourished and suffering from extreme hypothermia. You were rushed to the closest hospital where they worked to get your temperature up." She takes a break then, straightening herself up a little as if she has to force herself to go on. "Your heart stopped. But they got you back." The words are rushed out of her, knocking into Amanda like a gut punch.
"My heart… stopped?"
"For three minutes." The brunette nods, clearly struggling to hold it together. "They managed to stabilize you and you were transferred to Mercy the next day. You've been here for two days."
"Where… where was I found?"
"Close to the Adirondack mountains."
That explains the never-ending forest. And all the snow. And the cold.
"Your temperature is back to normal now, and they've got you hooked up on fluids and antibiotics. And, as you've might've noticed, you have a catheter. You had a really bad kidney infection, but the antibiotics seem to be working. Also… you've lost a lot of weight." Amanda knows that the sad look on her face is Olivia wordlessly adding "and you didn't have any weight to lose in the first place."
"Your nose is broken, you have cracked ribs, lots of cuts and bruises, and you probably won't be able to walk for a little while, because your feet… they're in bad shape."
"I ran. Without shoes."
"Yeah, you ran." Olivia says, like she somehow knows exactly what happened. "Do you know for how long?"
"I have no idea. It felt like a couple of hours maybe?"
"More like four."
"Four?"
"We found him, we found Henry."
They know. They know what I did.
"You found him."
"Mhm." The captain nods. "And, based on where he was and where you were found… You probably ran for around four hours."
"I killed him."
"I know. You did what you had to do."
"No, but, you don't understand."
I lost it.
"I do, Amanda. I get it."
"IAB?" She doesn't really know why she's asking, because the last thing on her mind right now is getting back on the job.
"Let's cross that bridge when we get to it. But you're not in any trouble. You survived. You did what you had to do, to survive."
"The kids? Frannie?"
"Frannie has been staying with Kat. She's gotten a little fat, Frannie I mean, not Kat." Olivia smiles then, and Amanda immediately tears up when she realizes just how much she's missed that smile that she hasn't seen in nearly three months. "But other than that she's been good. The kids…"
Olivia looks down at her fidgeting hands, trying but failing to hide that this is beyond painful for her, too.
"The girls have been staying with me for the most part, and Carisi helped out, too. And Lucy and Sienna have both been great."
"So they didn't stay with my parents?"
"No, your mom offered, but… But, somehow I managed to convince her that she should focus on herself and Jim. I thought that maybe she would cause some trouble after-" The captain stops talking then, like she was just about to confess to something. "We worked it out."
"Thank god."
"They've missed you so much." Olivia whispers as she finally lets her tears fall. "They know you're here, and they can't wait to see you. But we might have to wait a couple of days."
"Why?" Amanda asks, followed by a loud puff of air, her frustration clearly showing. "I want to see them now. Today."
"I know you do, Amanda. But-"
"No! I need to see them now!" Her clenched hands comes down hard against the white sheets as she cries, ignoring how every movement sends another ache through her exhausted bones and muscles.
It's not fair. I killed him to get away. I ran so I could come back to them. I survived eighty-one days of captivity, only to be trapped in this bed, being told I can't see my own kids.
"It's not fair!" She continues to cry, not caring that she sounds like a toddler throwing a tantrum.
Olivia moves closer then, cradling her clenched hands like she did when she first woke up. "I know, I know, sweetie. But you've been through something extremely traumatic, and your body needs a lot of rest, no stress or possible triggers right now."
"My kids aren't stress or triggers." Amanda says, pulling her hands away and regretting it immediately because she doesn't want to pull away, not really.
"I know that, but-"
"I just want to see them. I miss them so much."
"Tell you what we can do, we can call them on FaceTime later today and then maybe they can come in tomorrow, if you get enough sleep and manage to eat something. Ok?"
She wants to keep protesting, but just then there's a soft knock at the door that makes them both look up and away from each other.
The man coming through the door gives her a gentle smile. "Good morning, Amanda."
Good morning? Really?
"I know this isn't much." The man says as he places the tray on Amanda's bedside table. "But it's important that you get it all down. It's either this, or a feeding tube and I'm guessing you don't want that."
"No… don't want that." Amanda admits as she wipes away the tears that are still falling after her outburst just a short moment prior.
"How's your pain? Do you need anything?"
"It's fine."
"Ok, then. I'll leave you to it."
She watches as he leaves the room, and then her eyes fall on the tray.
"Here." Olivia says when Amanda still hasn't moved after two tense and quiet minutes. "Take your time." She hands her one of the two shakes and swiftly removes the plastic around the straw. The blonde hesitates, but eventually she moves the straw to her mouth.
"How bad?" The captain asks with a sympathetic tilt of the head.
She almost blurts out "fucking delicious" because after surviving on nothing but weird tasting water and dry granola bars for weeks, the cold and milkshake-like liquid that sooths her sore throat feels like heaven. But she figures that might sound just a little too pathetic, so she settles for a simple "not that bad."
When she's almost done with the second part of her so-called breakfast, her newfound energy becomes the boost she needs to pick up their conversation from before.
"Did you find the house?" Amanda mumbles while placing the now empty shake back on the tray.
"We did."
She wants to ask "Why didn't you find it sooner? Why didn't you find me?" But the sudden guilt-ridden look on Olivia's face doesn't allow for questions like that.
"Apparently…" The brunette says before clearing her throat. "It belonged to a family friend of Bronwyn's parents. He passed away years ago. And there was just no way for us to connect the dots. There was nothing connecting the owner to her or her family until we searched the house and found some old photos."
Her chin is quivering now and tears are quickly welling up in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Amanda. We… We tried everything. I never gave up on you." She cries as she grabs her hands again. "I never gave up."
It's ok, Amanda wants to say, but she can't. Because it's not. It's not ok.
I don't blame you. But it's not ok.
"How did Henry even get out?"
"Manhattan Psychiatric Center was understaffed and didn't do the required background check." Olivia says, followed by a sniffle and her clenching her jaw. "And while some patients, like… him, don't have any privileges at all, some do, like going on short trips, stuff like that. Bronwyn somehow managed to check him out under the name of a different patient." The guilt on Olivia's face have now transformed into pure rage.
"She's dead." Amanda mumbles, hoping that Olivia already knows so she won't have to go into any details of how it happened. "Bronwyn. He killed her."
"I know. Cadaver dogs found her when they searched the area around the house." The brunette reveals. "And just so you know, I've started a lawsuit on behalf of Jesse and Billie. Trevor Langan is representing them."
"Who's paying for that?"
"He's doing it pro bono. But honestly, I think money will be the least of your worries when he's done with this. If you're up for it, you should sue them, too."
The blonde shakes her head, because just the thought of anything that has to do with lawyers and testimonies and legal processes is absolutely overwhelming. "I don't know if-"
"I know, Amanda. But just know that you can."
"Can we call them now? Can we call the girls?" She says then, because she doesn't want to talk about lawsuits and because the simple mention of her girls has yet again set off that desperate need to see them.
"You don't want to get some more sleep first?"
"No. I want to call them now."
"Ok, ok, we can do that. But maybe…"
"What?"
"There's still a lot of bruising on your face, want help covering it up before we call?"
She hadn't even thought about that, and when her hands comes up to touch her face, she realizes that she hasn't seen her own reflection since he took her because of the lack of mirrors. She is, much to her dismay, aware of her how body looks, but not her face.
"How bad is it?"
Olivia gets up then and walks over to a chair where her purse is laying, pulling out her phone and a small makeup bag.
"Here." She says a little hesitantly after unlocking her phone.
Amanda looks at her for a short moment before she grabs it and finds the camera app. "No. I can't." She quickly puts the phone down, as if the device just burned her hand.
"Let's do the makeup first. Ok?"
"Ok." The blonde whispers.
"It's a little dark for you, but it gets the job done."
For the first time since waking up in the hospital, and really since she can remember, a happy memory fills her mind, and suddenly a smile spreads across Amanda's face. It feels weird, moving her lips that way, but as Olivia keeps applying the foundation with a gentle hand, she can't stop.
"You're smiling." The brunette says, looking a little dumbfounded.
"Just… a memory."
You, me, a hickey, and your makeup.
"Wanna tell me about it?"
No. The smile is abruptly wiped away when she remembers something else. Liv and Cassidy. Liv used to give me hickeys, and then she slept with him.
"No. I… Is it good enough? Can we call them now?" She pulls away and watches as Olivia's expression changes from soft to confused.
"Uh, yeah, sure."
"Amanda." Carisi's voice comes through the phone as a whisper, like he's struggling to believe that it's actually her.
"Hi." She simply says, because she really has no idea how to start a conversation with him after everything that has happened. "Are they there?"
"Yeah, they're here." He smiles before he moves the phone.
"Mama!" Jesse practically yells at the screen. "It's mama!" She looks up at Carisi and then back at her mother. "Mama." Billie echoes, her tone a little more shy than her sister.
"It's you." Amanda breathes out. "I missed you." Oh, god, I missed you. It physically hurts not being able to reach through the phone to touch them. "I love you and I can't wait to hug you."
"I have something for you." Jesse says then, looking back up at Carisi, clearly waiting for him to find whatever it is she's talking about.
"What is it, baby?" She moves the phone closer, squinting a little to try and see what Carisi is handing her.
"You didn't see the drawing I made. Of Frannie. I kept it in my backpack like you said, mama."
"I did a drawing of Frannie, wanna come and see it?"
"I wish I could, baby, but mama needs to work for a little bit. Put it in your backpack so I can see it later, ok?"
The last conversation she had with Jesse suddenly plays out in her head like it was yesterday. Except it wasn't yesterday. It was nearly three months ago. How confused and scared Jesse must've been, how brave she had been forced to be for such a long time.
"Amanda, honey, you ok?" Olivia asks with a low voice as she gently rests her hand on Amanda's shoulder.
No, she is not ok. It hurts too much. Seeing her girls is too much. She desperately wants to be strong for them, but as hard as she tries, she can't stop the sobs that are now rumbling up from the depths of her chest.
"I'm sorry." She says in between two sobs. "I'm sorry, for leaving like that, Jesse."
"But you're back now." Jesse replies, her voice laced with the kind of innocence only a six year old could muster in a moment like this.
"Yes, sweetie. I'm back now." She nods while using her free hand to wipe away her tears. "And I can't wait for you and Billie to visit me in the hospital."
"When?"
"Tomorrow." Amanda says quickly. "You can visit tomorrow."
She doesn't realize how badly her hand is shaking and so she is momentarily confused when Olivia's hand wraps around her own to keep the phone steady. And that's when she notice just how exhausted she is.
"Hey girls, why don't we give mama some time to rest and then uncle Sonny will take you to the hospital tomorrow, ok?"
"Ok." The girls respond in unison.
"I love you." Amanda whispers as her head falls tiredly back against the pillow. "So much." She's already asleep by the time Olivia has said goodbye to Carisi and put the phone away.
When she wakes up two hours later, she immediately panics when she finds the room empty, only to breathe a quiet sigh of relief when she hears the toilet being flushed and then the sound of running water.
Running water. Shower. Brushing my teeth. Washing my hands with soap. I can do all of that now. She wonders just how long it will take for her to get used to her newfound freedom, and if she ever will.
Her thoughts are interrupted when Olivia steps out of the bathroom. "You're awake." She smiles softly.
"Mhm."
"Do you need anything?"
"Water." Amanda says, suddenly noticing how dry her mouth feels.
"What happened… before?" Olivia asks hesitantly as she fills the small plastic cup before handing it to her. "When I helped you with the makeup?"
She realizes then that even though there are so many things she is not ready to share or talk about, this is one of the few things that Olivia needs to know. So after taking a sip of water followed by a deep breath, she opens her mouth to speak again. "Did you find an iPad in the cabin?"
The captain eyes her, clearly confused by the question and the apparent change of subject. "We did. TARU is going through it now. Why?"
"He, uhm… There's a camera in your living room."
"What?" Olivia slumps down on the side of the bed, like she just lost her footing.
"I saw you."
"What?"
"Only a few times, but I saw you with the kids, and when you were alone, and…" She bites down on her lip as she looks away. "I saw you with Cassidy."
"Oh my god." A hand comes up to cover the brunette's mouth as she stares at Amanda wide eyed.
"It's ok, Liv. I get it."
"No… No, honey, it wasn't like that." She says as she shakes her head vigorously.
"Liv, you really don't have to explain."
"Yeah, I absolutely do need to explain." Olivia moves closer then, clearly desperate to touch her, kiss her, convince her that she's wrong. But instead, she just keeps talking. "That day… A lot of shit went down, Garland pulled me from the case, placed me on forced sick leave and I… I got drunk, really drunk. Cassidy helped me home, and then he helped me in the bathroom when I got sick, and he slept on the couch. Nothing, absolutely nothing happened between us."
"So… You didn't sleep with him?"
"No! I could never… I never gave up on you, Amanda."
A mixture of emotions spreads through her then. Relief, knowing that nothing happened, that she had been wrong. Guilt, for even thinking that Olivia could be capable of doing something like that. And rage. Because in the end, it was just another way for Henry to torture her. To put her through every kind of pain there is, just to see how much she could take.
She stares blankly ahead as a single tear rolls down on her cheek, flinching just a little when Olivia finally reaches out to touch her. "I never gave up." She whispers as she uses her thumb to wipe the tear away. "You believe me, right?"
"I believe you." And Amanda does, because she knows this woman and this woman doesn't lie. She sniffles before clearing her throat, managing a smile, albeit small. "You said a lot of shit went down that day. What kind of shit?"
"Maybe we shouldn't-"
"Just tell me." After everything else you've told me today, how bad can it be?
"Ok." Olivia says, her cheeks slightly flushed as she leans back. "I… I kinda blurted out that I love you. In the middle of the squad room. In front of your mother."
The blonde's mouth immediately falls open in shock and disbelief. "You did not."
"I'm so sorry."
She doesn't exactly know if it's the look on Olivia's face, or the mental image of her outing them in the middle of the squad room, but she chuckles nonetheless, holding her side in the process as her ribs protest once again.
"You're… laughing?"
"Yeah." For the first time in three months.
"So everyone knows?" She asks when her laughter finally dies down.
"Pretty much, yeah. Well, not the kids. I really am sorry, Amanda. That… That wasn't the way I wanted people to find out. Especially not your mother."
"Don't apologize. Honestly, you just saved me the trouble of having to do it myself."
They share a look then and for the first time since waking up the day before, and for the first time in what feels like forever, there's a glimmer of hope between them. A shared feeling that maybe, just maybe, they'll get through this. And be ok.
It looks like Olivia is about to say something when there's a knock at the door, making them both flinch and turn towards it.
"Sorry to interrupt, but… Olivia, a word?"
Amanda doesn't like the look on his face, and she definitely doesn't like the way Olivia smiles at her before she walks over to where he's still standing in the doorway. She tries to hear what they're talking about, but it's impossible to understand because of the low voices and the mumbling. But when Dr. Brooks leaves and Olivia turns to look at her, she knows.
She has seen that look hundreds of times before. She knows what this is about. Olivia is looking at her like one of their victims.
"So, Amanda…" She says with a gentle voice, as if the look wasn't enough. Now she's using that voice as well.
"No." The blonde shakes her head. "We're not doing that. Not now."
"But-"
"Liv, I said no."
Olivia holds up her hands then, as to surrender. But Amanda knows that she's not finished. "Ok. Just, listen to me. There's no need for a rape kit. But do you need to get tested for anything? I mean, it's too late for a PEP, but you might need-"
"No. I don't need any tests."
"Are you sure?"
No. And the realization is sickening. Literally, physically sickening. Because she can't be completely sure. He drugged her on more than one occasion, knocked her unconscious several times. She can't be sure.
"No." Amanda admits through a whisper as she covers her face with her hands. Ever since waking up, she's been desperate for Olivia's presence. Clinging to her physically and emotionally. But in this moment, there's nothing she wants more than to be left alone.
"Ok." The brunette says softly as she moves towards her and joins her on the bed. "It's ok, sweetie."
"No!" She yells, pushing Olivia's hands away. "It's not ok! Nothing about this is ok! I don't want to be here. It's not fair!" The captain reaches out for her a second time only to get pushed away again.
"I know." Olivia's voice cracks and it makes Amanda feel even worse than she already does. "I know. All of this is unfair. I know, Amanda."
"I'm sorry." The blonde cries as she covers her face again. "I'm sorry."
"Hey, hey… listen to me." The captain whispers as she leans in a little while still keeping a safe distance. "You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. Nothing. You can scream and cry and yell all you need." The unspoken "you've more than earned it" is completely unnecessary.
As much as she tries, Amanda can't get control of her breathing and she's barely able to mumble "I'm gonna be sick" before her stomach turns on her. Olivia quickly reaches for the plastic water pitcher and holds it in front of her.
While the remnants of her liquid breakfast mixes in with the water, and her eyes are squeezed shut from the pain that shoots through her ribs from every single gag, the brunette carefully rubs the small of her back. "I'm here." She whispers, repeating the two simple words over and over again, until there's nothing left for Amanda to throw up.
"I'm sorry." The blonde mumbles before she spits one last time. "When you said you wanted more, I bet this wasn't what you meant."
Olivia's soothing hand stills then. "You got the text?" She whispers.
Amanda looks up at her with glossy eyes, her hair clinging to her forehead and her cheeks flushed from the vomiting. "I got the text." She smiles wearily as she watches tears well up in those brown eyes yet again.
A/N: She got the text, and they're together, and they're alive. And let's just leave it at that for now, until the next chapter when Amanda is back home.
