A/N: Like I said, this recovery is not going to be easy. And you will hate me, several times.

Also, I know some of you wanted a conversation about what happened in chapter 22/after Part 33, while some of you might want to pretend that never happened at all. So, this is your warning that this chapter contains references to that chapter.

TW: Violence and mentions of sexual assault/implied assault. ED.

CHAPTER 29 – NOVEMBER 2021

She knows she can't keep doing this, but after two weeks, her now established habit seems impossible to break. And in the end, every night is the same, whether she wants it to be or not.

Not touching her unless she asks for it. Lying perfectly still, waiting for her to fall asleep, with the light on. And then just sit there, watching her. Absentmindedly scrolling her phone from time to time. Waiting for what comes next.

They've made a silent agreement that when the screaming starts, Olivia wakes her up immediately to avoid scaring the kids. It's not pretty, but it has to be this way, because what other options are there, really? Amanda can't be alone in her own apartment right now. She can't sleep alone. She can't eat alone. She can't do anything alone, really.

The child psychologist that Olivia had reached out to not long after Amanda's disappearance, had recommended that Jesse and Billie should go back to daycare as soon as possible, despite Amanda's loud protests and dismay. Leaving the two of them with a lot of unwanted free time to clumsily figure out this new way of living. All though, it doesn't really feel like living at all.

Olivia hates it. Amanda hates it.

The freedom that she so absolutely deserves is nowhere to be found, because for now, she is completely dependent on Olivia.

And there are so many rules.

By accidentally knocking over a chair, she learned the hard way that while Amanda is in the shower, she can't move around the apartment or do anything that makes a sound. She can't rush or encourage her while she's eating, because that leads to one of two things; She stops eating all together, or she gets sick. She's not allowed to watch her while she's changing. And when Olivia leaves the room, the door must stay open. When they go to bed, the light stays on.

She can touch her hands, her back and her shoulders. But unless it's for the sake of waking her up in the middle of a nightmare, she can't touch her anywhere else. And she definitely can't kiss her.

While a few of the rules makes some sense to her, most of them do not, and Amanda refuses to talk to her. She won't tell her what Henry did and how he hurt her. Leaving it solely to the captain's imagination, which at this point has become a pretty dark and miserable place. In fact, Amanda hasn't really talked at all since getting home from the hospital. It's like she is saving all of her words for the girls and Noah. Because when the kids come home, Olivia can see that she channels what little energy she has to make it seem like everything is normal and ok.

Except, nothing is neither normal nor ok right now, and they both know it.

Maybe there was something about being in that hospital bed, being so exhausted and vulnerable that made her open up just a little. That made her open to being comforted, emotionally and physically. The shift when they stepped inside Olivia's apartment had been almost immediate. And then came the rules. So many of them, that she's bound to fail at least three or four times every day.

Is it worth it, though?

Without a doubt.

Because last night, Amanda laughed. It lasted only for a few seconds, but it was a real and genuine laugh. Caused by Jesse getting to play with Olivia's makeup, using the brunette as a real life makeup doll. The day before, she had looked at peace for almost twenty minutes straight. Curled up on the couch with Frannie nuzzled against her neck. And today, she had finished an entire meal and managed to keep it down, leaned in and whispered "it was really good, thank you."

She's alive and she's here.

So yes. It's worth it.

Almost like clockwork, the screaming starts around two am. It's always abrupt, like it comes out of nowhere, triggered by god knows what, whatever is going on inside that brain of hers.

She wonders if the specific time plays any significant role in this. Did Henry wake her up in the middle of the night to hurt her? Or is it just her physiological clock that is determined to haunt her every night?

This night however, the timing might be the same, but something is different.

There's something even more gut wrenching about the scream. Something even more desperate and frantic in the way she moves. "Get off me!" Amanda yells with her eyes still closed, and Olivia wants nothing more than to just break down and scream with her.

"Hey, Amanda, honey, wake up."

She moves closer and repeats what she's been doing since they were in the hospital; Wraps her arms and legs around her to hug her back to consciousness. It's usually enough. But not tonight.

"Sweetie, you gotta wake up."

But the screams keep on coming and she can feel how Amanda's body is fighting the embrace she's currently providing.

"No! Stop!"

Yes, please just stop.

"Stop!"

She moves so quickly that Olivia really doesn't understand what the hell just happened until a few seconds have passed and the room falls completely silent. Just a moment ago, she was spooning her, wrapping herself around her and rocking her back and forth. Now she's on her back, being straddled and pinned to the bed by Amanda who is squinting down at her.

"Amanda. It's just me." She whispers and for a split second, she thinks that the woman on top of her is finally awake.

But she's wrong. "I said no!"

There's no warning, no time to shield her face, and no time to stop the clenched hand that suddenly comes down and crashes against her chin and her mouth. And in the blink of an eye, Amanda goes from straddling her to sitting at the foot of the bed, curled up and wide eyed, looking utterly terrified.

"Ow… fuck." Olivia winces when her hand comes up to touch the spot where Amanda's fist just landed.

"Oh my god." The blonde whispers. "What… What did I do?"

"Hey… hey, it's ok." Olivia mumbles as she sits herself up without removing the hand that is still covering her mouth.

"No… I… Did I hit you? I hit you. I hurt you."

"You were having a nightmare, Amanda. It's not your fault."

Their eyes finally meet, brown ones filled with tears and blue ones laced with shock and guilt. "Liv… I-"

"It's ok." Olivia says quickly, before she lets her tongue come out to taste the blood on her split lip.

"No." Amanda shakes her head while moving towards her, quickly closing the distance between them. "It's definitely not ok." She carefully moves Olivia's hand away. "You're bleeding for fuck's sake."

"It's nothing."

"Oh, god… Liv, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She keeps repeating the words with a tremble in her voice, completely ignoring how the other woman tries to reassure her. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up."

Olivia keeps watching her as Amanda moves around the bathroom, finding the blank look on her face extremely unsettling. "Honey, really, I'm fine. It's ok."

"Stop saying that. It's not, Liv. It's not ok." She holds the washcloth under the running water as a single tear rolls down on her cheek. She's quick to wipe it away with the sleeve of her sweater, but not quick enough for it to go unnoticed.

"It was an accident. I know you would never do anything to intentionally hurt me."

With the water still running, she finally turns to look at her. "Yeah? It's not the first time."

As soon as Olivia realizes what she's talking about, her eyes fall to her lap, suddenly finding that she's desperate to get out of this bathroom. "That was different." She mumbles as her hands start to fidget nervously.

Are we really doing this now?

Amanda eventually moves, kneeling down in front of the woman sitting on the toilet, before she lifts the wet washcloth to her mouth and gently starts cleaning the blood away.

"Maybe it was different, but I still hurt you." There's a softness in her voice that Olivia hasn't heard in such a long time, and it catches her off guard.

I guess we are doing this now.

"I hurt you, too." She whispers.

The blonde can't really argue with that, and so she stays silent for a short moment while gently dabbing at Olivia's lip and the corner of her mouth. "What was going through your head that night?" She asks hesitantly when the bleeding has finally stopped.

"I… I was working through some stuff, and dealing with a lot of flashbacks. I felt… confused, and angry. And I guess I wanted to take some control, of both pain and pleasure. If that makes any sense."

"Liv, did Lewis rape you?" The question is so blunt it surprises both of them.

But after a short moment of just looking at each other, Olivia shakes her head. "No. Not that I'm aware of."

"Cause the things you said that day…"

"I know. I guess… It felt like he raped me in every way possible, without actually doing it."

"I get that." Amanda mutters under her breath, regretting her little admission instantly because she just isn't ready for the other woman to pry. She clears her throat while placing the now stained washcloth on the counter. "So that night… You wanted the pain?"

"Not so much wanted it, more like needed it." Olivia shrugs. "Or at least, I thought I needed it."

The blond nods understandingly as she scoots herself back before leaning against the wall. "Have you ever done anything like that before?"

"I mean… I've had rough sex if that's what you're asking, but not like that." She gets up then and joins Amanda on the floor. "Have you?"

"Not like that."

"Did you…" Olivia starts before she pauses to take a trembling breath, clearly struggling to get the rest of the words out. "Did you feel like I forced you?"

"A little." Amanda admits. "Not in the way that you think, though. And I forced you, too."

"We were both in a bad place."

"Yeah, we were." The blonde says followed by something that sounds like a scoff. "Did you… enjoy any of it?"

"Physically? Yeah, I did. Emotionally? No. And I have no idea how to make sense of that."

"I get it."

"I honestly thought we were done after that. I thought that you would never let me touch you again. Leaving you like that… It just felt so awful."

"I felt the same way."

They sit in silence for a while, both of them needing a moment to process what they just talked about, and the fact that they talked about it at all.

Eventually, Amanda breaks the silence and with it, a small part of that gigantic wall she has built around herself since coming home. "Liv, what if… What if I'll never be able to…" But she can't get herself to finish the sentence, and instead she hopes her stumbling words are enough for the other woman to understand what she's trying to express.

"Amanda, you know better than anyone that this… this is a process. And you're the only one who can know when you're ready. If that never happens, I will still be here, if you want me to be."

The blonde looks at her with her eyebrows raised. "The rest of your life? Without sex?"

"A relationship is a lot more than that." Olivia shrugs. "And listen. Our relationship was built on sex, or at least it started out that way. We had been sleeping together on and off for five years the first time we slept in the same bed without having sex. I think… I think it's easy to forget that we can be intimate with each other without it. I don't know about you, but I didn't fall in love with you because you're good in bed."

"Thanks." Amanda says dryly.

The laugh that rumbles up from the brunette's chest is a much needed breather in the middle of all the heavy topics. "You're amazing in bed, and all the other places we've been together like that, but that's not why I fell in love."

"Why?"

"Hm?"

"Why did you fall in love? And when did you know?"

"On some level, buried somewhere deep inside of me, I think I kinda fell in love with you when we first met. But, too much was going on in my life and I was busy being angry and bitter." She rolls her eyes at the memory of herself ten years ago. "I knew for sure that night I just mentioned. When I had that nightmare and you were just… perfect. You made me feel so safe."

"I loved that you let me be there for you that night. It made me feel safe, too."

"And you've been there… In so many ways. Even when I made it hard. Even when I made myself unavailable to you. You were still there. I'm just… So sorry that it took me so long to be honest with myself, and you, about how I feel."

"You never made yourself unavailable. Even when we were going through rough times, I could see it in your eyes. You talk a lot with your eyes." Amanda smiles while looking into those brown eyes that has brought her so much safety over the years. "I love that about you."

"So you see? We're so much more than what we started out as. If the sex comes back at some point, great, if not… I don't care. Because you're here, and you're alive."

"I hear you, I really do. And as much as I want to believe you… Nightmares, nutrition shakes, fights and raising three traumatized children? That's not very sexy."

"That's right now. And that's not what I see when I think about our future."

"What do you see?" The blonde asks as she leans her head against the wall.

"It's pretty cheesy." Olivia says with a smirk.

"I can take it."

"Ok… I see… lazy Sundays in the park with Frannie and the kids, or just at home if it's raining, doing nothing. I see traveling, watching the kids play in the sand on some beach somewhere. I see us bickering about nothing and everything all the time because that's what we do. I see graduations and weddings and all the big milestones with you by my side."

Amanda hums as a faint smile spreads across her face. "That sounds nice."

"You don't believe me."

"I believe that's what you see. I just… I'm worried I won't be able to live up to it."

"You don't have to live up to anything, Amanda. Just be you."

"But… I'm not me anymore. That's the problem. I don't feel like myself. I just feel so… lost."

"I know." Olivia whispers as a hand comes up carefully to caress the blonde's cheek. "I know you do."

She moves her hand, and slowly she rolls up the sleeve on Amanda's sweater, the one she insists on wearing to bed because it belongs to Olivia and "it smells like you", but the brunette knows that it's not just about the comforting sent. Amanda is determined to cover up as much as possible, to hide every single evidence of the hell she went through.

Amanda tenses up, but just a little, as her lower arm comes into view. The few scars Henry left behind there stands out on her pale skin, and it makes her look away abruptly.

Olivia doesn't know how she got them, and she is painfully aware of the fact that she might not know for weeks, months or even years. While pushing those thoughts away, she lets a finger cover one of the scars as they lock eyes again. "This is not you." She says with a soft voice.

Her finger moves then, making them both look down. She slowly graces the skin where Amanda's tattoo is. "This. This is who you are. No one can take that away from you. And I know it doesn't feel like that right now. But I'll be here for as long as it takes, for you to really feel like you again."

"I miss you." Amanda whispers as she leans towards her and lets her forehead rest against hers. "I miss… so many things."

Olivia smiles sadly as she closes her eyes. "I know."

She's taken by surprise when the blonde tilts her head a little and align their lips, and she holds her breath as she waits for the next move.

"I…"

"Amanda…"

But neither of them know what they were about to say, and a second later it doesn't matter anyway because finally their lips meet for the first time since their trip in July, more than four months ago.

The added pain from the fresh cut on her lip only enhances the overwhelming sensation, making the kiss even more beautiful, raw and profound. And she doesn't care how twisted that might sound. All she cares about is staying in the moment, and to somehow wordlessly communicate to the other woman that she's the one in charge.

Amanda gets to decide where and how their lips touch. She's in complete control when she opens her mouth and deepens the kiss, not too much, but enough for both of them to feel a glimmer of hope. That there's a chance they'll find their way back to each other and work their way through this, together.

And yet, when Amanda eventually pulls away and breaks the kiss, Olivia is convinced that this, these fifteen seconds that they just shared, can easily be enough to last her a lifetime of need for physical touch. She can survive on this, if that's what it comes down to.

"I love you." She whispers.

"I know." Amanda smiles. "Let's go back to bed. It's gonna be a long day tomorrow, for both of us."

After getting settled under the covers, she watch as the blonde stills by the side of the bed. "It's ok, Amanda. I'm not scared."

"But I am."

For a short moment they just look at each other, Olivia trying to study the other woman's face. And then Amanda does something that adds to this night's long list of unexpected events. She pulls the sweater over her head, revealing the white tank top underneath.

And that's when she realizes, that maybe she isn't necessarily hiding her scars, most of them slowly but surely fading away. She's hiding her entire body. It just looks so frail now, so different from the fit and strong detective she had once been.

"Baby steps." Amanda mumbles while she climbs into bed, quick to cover herself up once again.

"Baby steps." Olivia echoes, just as Amanda reaches for her arm and wraps it around her.

"And you're sure you're up for this?" Olivia asks the next day as she watches Amanda hang up the last part of the "happy birthday!" sign. She immediately resents the condescending tone in her own voice.

"It's my kid's birthday." The blonde's mumbled response is followed by a short puff as she stretches her body as far as it can go to get the sign where she wants it. Her ribs are still sore, but in her desperate search for normalcy, she refuses to admit to any pain. "If I can't get through that, then what am I even doing here?"

"I know, but-"

"Liv, just stop." Her voice is thick with frustration as she steps down from the chair and lifts it back to the dining table. "Stop treating me like I'm a goddamn porcelain doll."

"I didn't-"

"I've been home for more than two weeks, I've gained weight-" Amanda says without looking at her, keeping her hands busy as she tries to open the bag of balloons.

"Five pounds, Amanda. That's not much."

"I'm trying, goddamnit!" The still unopened bag falls to the floor as she slams her flat hands against the table.

"I know. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that." Olivia places her hands over her own chest as she moves towards her. "I know you're trying. I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry."

Eventually, Amanda lifts her head to look at her, but as soon as her eyes fall on the brunette's lips, she abruptly moves her eyes away. Olivia has done a solid job at covering up the small cut and the faint bruise on her chin, but in the end, it doesn't matter. Because they both know that it's there, and more importantly, why.

"Happy birthday, dear Jesse, happy birthday to you!" The little girl smiles shyly with her eyes trained on the cake in front of her, as the birthday party around the table applauds.

"Make a wish, Jesse." Amanda says as she lifts her phone to capture the moment when her six-year-old daughter blows out the candles.

She silently prays that no one can notice how the phone is shaking, how she needs both hands to keep it somewhat steady. She prays that no one will think to offer her a slice of the beautiful cake that Carisi brought, because there is only so much her stomach can handle. And she prays that Olivia mistakes the tears in her eyes for her being moved, and not stressed out of her mind.

When she puts the phone away, Amanda quickly glances at the clock and makes a commitment.

Seven minutes. Seven more minutes, and then I can excuse myself and take a break. I can do that. I can do that for Jesse.

She's just about to exit the bathroom fifteen minutes later when the voices coming from the hallway makes her freeze with her hand on the doorknob.

"Look, she hasn't asked about it. So I really don't see a reason for why we should throw that in her face right now."

"I hear you, cap. But she has a right to know."

"Of course she does. But not now. Not yet. Ok?"

"Know what?" Amanda asks as she opens the door and steps outside, looking from Olivia to Carisi and then back to Olivia.

The look on Carisi's face is a mixture of surprise and guilt as he holds up a hand. "Amanda-"

"No, tell me."

"I don't think now is a good time, ok?" Olivia says. "We can talk about this later."

"No, I want to know." She folds her arms, covering up her anxiety by making herself look defiant instead.

The brunette lets out a frustrated sigh as she looks over her shoulder to make sure that there are no kids around. "The blood… On Henry's clothes. The blood you thought was…"

"Yours." Amanda nods as if it's no big deal, like they're talking about something and someone else entirely.

"They found a body."

"Who?"

"A sex worker. No one reported her missing."

"Name. Age."

"Carrie Parson."

"Age." Amanda repeats, knowing that there is a reason why Olivia is reluctant to tell her.

"16."

"Ok." Her heart is pounding wildly in her chest as she gives them both a final nod before she walks away and joins the birthday party in the living room. She can feel their eyes glued to her and that's why she only grants herself two seconds to stop and get control of her breathing before she forces a smile. "Who's ready for presents?"

"Me!" Jesse exclaims, echoed by her little sister, Noah and a teasing Kat.

As she sits down on the floor and watches as Jesse starts unwrapping her gift from Fin and Phoebe, she tries, but fails time and time again to shut her brain down.

Carrie Parson. 16. Carrie Parson. 16. Dead. Killed. Because of me.

You didn't kill her.

Didn't I, though?

How?

He killed her because of me. Because he wanted me to believe that Liv was dead. So it's all my fault.

Her thoughts are still racing when she says goodbye to the last of the birthday party, and even more so when she leans down to kiss Jesse goodnight an hour later.

"Did you have a good birthday, baby?" She asks, smiling down at her, willing her brain to just shut up for one minute, to give her this, one minute of peace with her daughter.

"Yeah."

"Good."

"Do you wanna know what I wished for, mama?" Jesse asks as she gets settled on her side.

Amanda furrows here eyebrows while folding her arms. "You know you're not supposed to tell me, right?"

"I know, but I want to."

"Fine." Amanda smiles. "Whisper it in my ear, then. It'll be our secret." She points to her ear before she leans down.

"I wished for you to never go away again."

It feels like her heart stops then. Or shatters. She can't be sure. The only thing she's sure of, is the fact that she would rather be in physical pain for the rest of her life instead of having to hear her own daughter say something like that.

She swallows the sob that threatens to escape before she cups Jesse's cheeks and kisses her forehead. "I'm never leaving you again, baby. I promise."

Olivia can't keep her eyes from constantly glancing over at the blonde when they're finally left alone. Amanda hasn't looked this pale and worn out since she was in the hospital. And now she's just curled up on the couch, staring blankly a head while absentmindedly running her hand over Frannie's head.

"Can I get you anything?"

When she doesn't answer, she moves a little closer, carefully so she won't startle her. "Honey?"

Slowly, Amanda turns her head to look at her. "Hm?"

"Can I get you anything?"

"No… Thanks."

"Ok." The brunette is just about to turn around and move towards the kitchen to get herself a glass of wine when Amanda's voice stops her.

"Actually," She says, running a hand through her hair. "You can get me Langan's number."

"Langan?" Why?"

"I want my name on that fucking lawsuit."

A/N: I'm kinda impressed if you're still with me at this point, tbh. I can't promise rainbows and sunshine any time soon, but there will be some… movement, in the not so distant future. And no one will like it.

TBC…