A/N: Quick warning, this chapter contains a couple of very unsettling scenes and a glimpse into Amanda's brain, which is not a pretty place right now. TW: Sexual assault/violence/ED.

By the end of this, you will not like me very much.

CHAPTER 30 – DECEMBER 2021

"Merry Christmas."

The low and somewhat groggy morning voice tickles her ear and makes her giggle and squirm her head against the pillow. "Merry Christmas." She mumbles back, before letting out a soft gasp when a hand finds its way to the back of her naked thigh.

She moans and buries her head in the pillow when the hand keeps moving upwards until it firmly grabs one of her butt cheeks.

"Spread your legs a little." The voice whispers, and she has no problem obeying because she's already on edge.

"Is this my Christmas present?"

"Mhm." Olivia laughs before placing an open-mouthed kiss on her shoulder, before she starts kissing her way down her spine, stopping only when she reaches the small dimples on the small of her back. "Do you want to open it now," She says as her fingers move and slowly grazes through Amanda's folds, "or later?"

She can't stop her hips from moving against the gentle and teasing touch as a second gasp escapes her mouth. "Now, please."

"Your wish is my command."

And then two fingers enters her, making her lift her hips to meet the first, careful thrust. "Fuck…"

"Is that what you want, babe? To be fucked?"

"Mhm." She's nodding vigorously now, knowing that Olivia can feel how on edge she really is, knowing she can feel how wet she has made her in the span of just two minutes.

"God, you feel good."

"Mmm-more. Harder." Amanda begs, lifting her hips again, spurred on by the intimate sound of Olivia's fingers moving in and out of her in a steady, but still too gentle pace.

"Get on your knees." The brunette demands as she moves to get settled behind her.

With sleep still in her eyes, she groans from the anticipated pleasure while lifting herself up, knees planted firmly against the mattress, her elbows holding the rest of her weight.

When the woman behind her doesn't push into her immediately, but instead starts stroking her carefully between her legs, she lets out a puff of air, rocking her hips impatiently against the slow working hand.

"Liv…"

"What? Need something?"

She quivers when the brunette's fingers brush against her clit. "Inside me. Now."

But just as the woman behind her is about to give in and enter her again, two strong hands grab her arms and roughly pulls them backwards, forcing her to fall down, face first.

She manages to turn her head to the side but she can't see what's going on behind her. "Wh- Liv. Stop."

Olivia doesn't answer. Instead, Amanda feels her hands being tied together behind her back. She tries to wiggle herself out of the strong and relentless hold, but it's pointless. Her body felt strong and alive just a few seconds ago, but now she feels weak and completely overpowered.

"Liv! Stop! You're hurting me."

There's still no answer and she just can't understand how the woman who is supposed to love her can do something like this. "Please!" She yells the word out just as her entire body is pressed against the white sheets, making it increasingly more difficult to breathe. "Stop!"

"Wake up."

Olivia's voice is back now, but it's far away, distant, blurry. "Please, wake up."

She's already awake, though, isn't she? Isn't this real? The feeling of not being able to breathe? The feeling of her legs being pushed apart by unfamiliar but somehow still familiar hands?

"Wake up."

But-

"Amanda!"

A final gut wrenching "stop!" fills the room as she's shaken back to reality, pulled and hugged back to the safety of Olivia's bedroom. She's not on her stomach, but on her back. And her hands are not tied together, and she can breathe.

"Hey… hey, sweetie. You with me?"

The blonde blinks repeatedly, trying to get her eyes to focus on the familiar ceiling above her. "Yeah…" She's still panting as she swiftly lifts the covers to check that she has her clothes on. "Yeah, I'm here."

A hand comes up to wipe away the hair that clings to her sweat covered forehead and she lets it, because Olivia's hand is cold and it has a soothing effect on her racing heart.

"Wanna talk about it?"

She contemplates her options, struggling to figure out which is worse, and which is less painful. It's been a constant battle lately, deciding how much she's supposed to share with the other woman. How much is too much? Most of the time, all of it. But little by little, she has started to give Olivia glimpses, albeit short, into her warped mind.

"We were… here. In bed. You were touching me. But… Something changed. You turned into him. I think. That hasn't happened before."

"Oh, honey… I'm so sorry."

"I guess I thought… That the worst of it was over. I haven't had a nightmare in almost two weeks."

Olivia doesn't say anything, and Amanda knows the reason for her non response. She knows that if anyone can tell her that the nightmares never really goes away, it's the woman lying next to her, currently running a hand through her hair.

"I know it doesn't work like that. But… It was nice to have a break, you know?"

"I know."

She turns her head then and looks at her. "Liv, I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"For doing this to you. Maybe it's time I go back to my own place."

"Wh- No. No, Amanda…" Olivia shakes her head while lifting herself up on her elbow. "You don't have to do that."

"I know I don't have to, but…"

"You want to?"

"I don't know. I just hate feeling so… dependent on you. You have to go back to work at some point. It's not… It's not good for you to be stuck at home with me all day." She wants to add "it's not good for us either", but she knows that will make Olivia think that she's questioning their relationship, and that's the last thing she wants to burden the captain with right now.

"And we can both agree that things have been better, right? I mean, I went to the doctor without having a panic attack. I'm talking to my shrink-"

"You are." Olivia interrupts, and there's the slightest hint of panic in her voice. "But… Can't it wait until after Christmas? Do Christmas and New Year's here, like we planned, and then you can go back, if you still want to."

It ends up as a compromise. She will spend two days at home with the girls between Christmas and New Year's, while the holidays will be spent together. "I mean, that's what couples do, right?" Olivia says at the end of their little negotiation. And for just a little while, both of them forget everything about night terrors and holidays, because it's the first time either of them has used that word.

A couple.

"Can I ask you a favor, though?" Amanda asks timidly while pulling away from the short-lived kiss.

"Anything."

She hesitates for a moment before she opens her mouth to speak again. "Don't… wake me up on Christmas morning by saying "merry Christmas" close to my ear."

"I won't. I promise."

Just like that. No questions asked.

When she looks into those brown eyes staring back at her, she knows that she has just added another random rule to the never-ending list that Olivia keeps in the back of her mind. And it makes her feel absolutely terrible.

Alone. For the first time since before Henry. Not just for ten minutes while Olivia is in the shower, or the few times she left her to get a much needed refill of groceries. Actually alone, in her own apartment.

Her home feels weirdly foreign, like it doesn't belong to her anymore. Maybe it's the lack of Olivia's scent, the lack of the sounds that her apartment makes. Even Frannie seems to struggle to settle down, with the way she keeps moving from Amanda's bed to the couch, looking like she can't get comfortable anywhere.

She keeps staring at her phone, counting down the hours and minutes until Sienna will be bringing the girls home. Or maybe she's secretly hoping for Olivia to call, just to check in, even though she specifically told her not to.

When her phone suddenly vibrates against her hand, it's not at all the name she had hoped for. "Langan?" The call from her attorney is both unexpected and unwelcome, because his name and his voice is just another reminder, and it's the last thing she needs today, of all days.

"Hey, Amanda. Are you with Olivia?"

"No, I'm… Actually I'm home, in my apartment."

"Ok. Listen… There's been a development in your case. But maybe… Maybe it would be a good idea to have Olivia there when I-"

"Just tell me." She says impatiently as she starts pacing, ready to get this conversation over with as soon as possible.

"They're really not interested in taking this to court. You adding your name to the lawsuit… They know a testimony from you would be devastating, so they're ready to settle."

"Settle?"

"Four million divided on the girls, five million to you."

She stumbles backwards until her legs collide with the edge of the coffee table, forcing her to sit down. "Excuse me?"

"Two million to Jesse, two to Billie and five to you."

"I…"

"I know, this is a lot to process. If you still want to take this to court-"

Amanda shakes her head as if he can see her. "No, I don't."

"I get it. It'll take some time to get all the paperwork together, but it usually doesn't take more than one or two months for the settlement to be ready for payout."

"Ok." She's barely able to whisper the word out because her thoughts are getting louder by the second and she needs this conversation to end now. "Thank you."

"Call me if you have any questions."

"Ok."

"Take care of yourself, Amanda."

She doesn't say anything after that. She just keeps clinging to her phone until she gets up and lets the device drop to the floor.

Four millions for her girls. For scarring them for life. Five millions for her. For being put through hell.

You're a whore.

Amanda is pacing back and forth now, as her thoughts are slowly, but surely suffocating her.

You're a whore.

She keeps looking around the apartment like she's looking for help. Anything or anyone, just to make it stop.

You're a whore.

And then her eyes fall on her running shoes. The ones she hasn't used in five months.

You're a whore.

She moves quickly then, undressing while moving from the living room to her bedroom where she frantically opens her dresser and pulls out her running gear. The clothes are several sizes too big, but it'll have to do.

Accepting that settlement? Five million? That's your worth? That's your payment? For eighty one days with him? Eighty-one days of torture, starvation, panic, assault, humiliation, isolation. Five million for that.

She's unable to stand still as she pauses outside her building to plug in her Air Pods while finding the playlist she's searching for. Her shivers have nothing to do with the cold, but everything to do with the fact that she can't get her mind to shut up.

A whore.

She knows she shouldn't be doing this. She's still too weak. Just nine days ago, her doctor had specifically told her that she shouldn't overdo any physical activity right now. While ignoring the memories of that conversation, she turns the volume up as high as it can go, desperately and silently pleading for the music that blasts into her ears to be enough to push the thoughts away.

Stop. Just stop.

Why? You know it's true. He got his pleasure, now you get your money.

Shut up.

Truth hurts, huh? Knowing that someone actually put a price on you. Someone left that money for you on the nightstand. Or rather, the floor next to that mattress. Thank you for your service, Amanda.

It's not like that.

Isn't it, though?

I didn't choose this.

Like any whore has a choice? Like most hookers choose to sell their bodies? You know they don't. Come on, Rollins. You do this for a living. Or at least, you used to.

Please, just stop.

Was a matter of time, no? You finally gettin' some reward for your hard work. Oh, I almost forgot. You've done this before.

No. No. No…

She runs faster. Pushes herself harder. Trying, but failing to remind herself that she's in the middle of Manhattan, not in that forest.

Didn't you sell your body to Patton, too? Didn't you get on your knees for Murphy? Saving your sister's ass. Saving your own ass when you fucked up. Five million dollars. It's the same.

It's not the same. It wasn't the same.

Wasn't it though? Of course it was. Spreading your legs, getting on your knees, not fighting back.

I did. I did fight back.

No, you didn't. Because you know you're not worth it. That's what happens, ain't it? You know you deserve it.

Don't. Please don't.

Just like your mama.

No. It's not like that.

Of course it is. You're one and the same, the two of you. Look at you, trying to run away only to run right into your mama's reflection. Face first and all.

No, I'm not like that.

Come on, you know. Don't play stupid. You don't think growing up like that colored your whole world?

That's what Liv said.

Yeah. And she was right.

She didn't mean it like that.

Didn't she? She sees right through you, Amanda. Everyone does. You can pretend all you want. Play the role of the badass detective. When everyone knows, you wouldn't hesitate a second to-

Stop.

Jesus, Amanda. All the times you've jumped into her bed when you were both hurting? Giving her your body so you wouldn't have to talk? That's another five million dollars right there. Right there on the bedside table.

No… I love her.

Sure you do. You love her enough to let her do anything to you. Isn't that right? Make you hurt her, even when you didn't want to?

No, we talked about-

You would've found her. You know that. Long before the eighty-one day mark. You would've found her. She didn't find you. Because she didn't look hard enough. You might not question if you love her, but have you ever asked yourself if she really loves you?

No! She does. She didn't give up.

She would've never offered herself to Lewis to save your ass. You know that. Didn't you tell Henry you would do anything? That he could do anything?

So he wouldn't hurt the people I love.

Just like you let Patton fuck you.

That was rape.

Was it? Wasn't it just a trade? A dirty, little quid pro quo?

I didn't want that.

You said yes.

At first.

So when did it turn into a rape exactly? When you stepped into that motel room? When you laid down on the bed for him? When you asked if he could slow down? Because you sure as hell didn't tell him to stop.

I tried-

You knew what he wanted. You walked into it. Just like you willingly walked away with Henry. You knew he was going to take you. Take you away from the girls, from Liv and Noah. You knew, and you still went willingly.

I didn't have a choice!

Sure you did. But you had to be the martyr, didn't you? Just like your-

Stop!

Just like your mama.

I'm not like that.

I'm not like her.

I'm not.

She literally stumbles inside her apartment. Unsure of where she's been, and how long she's been running. For a short moment, she panics, and images of her girls waiting at the daycare floods her mind. But then she remembers that Sienna is the one picking them up. Because Amanda can't do that. She can't go back there, yet.

Her legs feel like jello, and she's barely able to move from the hallway to the bathroom where she shrugs her clothes off, leaves them on the floor and steps into the shower.

You're a whore.

With an ache in her chest and her forehead rested against the tiles, she slowly gives up the fight against her brain.

"Don't be mad." Sienna smiles shyly as she helps Billie with her coat. "But we picked up Chinese on our way home. I think the girls needed a break from all that Christmas food."

"Mad?" Amanda asks, forcing a tired smile. "Why would I be mad? You just saved me the hassle of figuring out what to make for dinner. You're a godsend."

Her smile falters as soon as she grabs the plastic bags and turns around to walk into her kitchen. Not because Sienna didn't check with her before making dinner arrangements, but because she just realized that she hasn't had a single meal without Olivia by her side since coming home from the hospital, and she's not entirely sure how she's supposed to get through it.

"Why don't you stay? I'm sure there's enough for everyone."

"Wish I could, but my family is having this thing because we won't be together for New Year's. I can call and cancel, if-"

"No, no, absolutely not." Amanda shakes her head and waves her off. "Go, be with your family. And thanks for helping with the girls. And the food. I'll add it to your paycheck."

I can certainly afford it. Because I'm a wh-

"Don't mention it. I'll see you in the morning." Sienna smiles. "Bye, girls! Be good!"

"Bye Sienna!" The two girls yell in unison, already preoccupied with the toys scattered on the floor.

Dr. Hanover's voice plays on repeat in her head as she sits down with the girls to eat. "Mechanical eating. Get the food in your mouth, chew, swallow, repeat. That's all you have to do."

Chew, swallow, repeat. I can do that. I can-

"Mama?"

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"When do we go back to Livia's house?"

"On Wednesday. Like we talked about."

"Why can't we go tomorrow?"

Because mama needs to prove to herself that she can survive forty-eight hours without her.

"Well… This is where we live, right?"

"Why can't we live with them?"

Chew, swallow, repeat.

"Because this is our home, Jesse."

Chew, swallow, repeat.

"But I want to live there!"

Chew, swall-

"Watch your sister for a minute."

And that's all she's able to say before she sprints towards the bathroom. Without thinking, she locks the door right before she falls down on her knees and empties her stomach. The tiny black dots that appear in front of her makes her panic, because she knows what's about to happen and her girls are alone in the next room.

You can't do this. Not now. You can't pass out. Stay awake, you stupid bitch. Stay awa-

"Mama? Mama? Mama!"

When Amanda finally comes to, her heart shatters at the sound of tiny fists knocking on the locked bathroom door. She fumbles around and quickly flushes the toilet before she moves with trembling legs towards the door to unlock it, only to be met by the sight of her hysterical daughter.

"Oh, honey, Jesse, I'm so sorry." She says with tears trickling down her cheeks, as she gets down on her knees and pulls Jesse in for a tight hug. "I'm so sorry for scaring you."

"Did I do something wrong?" The six-year-old asks in between several sniffles.

"No! No, sweetie, you didn't do anything wrong." Amanda cups her cheeks and looks at her. "You didn't do anything wrong." She repeats, praying that her daughter believes her. She hugs her again, rocking her back and forth as she tries to calm her, and herself, down.

"Are you sick, mama?"

"A little. But I'm going to get better. I promise."

"How?"

The question is so oddly blunt and innocent at the same time, but what really catches Amanda off guard, is the answer that comes to her with no warning and absolutely no logical explanation.

"You know what, baby?" She says as she pulls Jesse down in her lap before running a hand through her hair. "I think it's time that you, me and Billie take a little vacation."

"Frannie?"

"And Frannie." Amanda smiles and places a kiss on the top of her head.

"And Livia and Noah?"

"No, honey. This vacation is just for us."

She sits on Olivia's bed and watches as the brunette gets undressed. Amanda knows that she has about five minutes left. Five minutes, and then she'll break both of their hearts. She really doesn't want that to be the first thing she does in 2022, so as soon as the woman on the other side of the room has changed into a tank top and sleeping shorts, she reaches out a hand. "Come here."

Olivia eyes her for a short moment before she joins her on the bed. "Hi."

"Hi." Amanda responds with a soft but sad smile. "I need you to do something for me."

"What?"

"Kiss me."

They have kissed exactly six times since that night in the bathroom, all of them initiated by Amanda, all of them ending with her pulling away. It's been good, but not like it used to be, and tonight, she really needs them to kiss like they kissed before. Before everything.

The other woman stares at her for a moment, wordlessly asking if she's sure. So Amanda gives her a single nod, a final expression of consent and permission before Olivia leans in. She wastes no time before she opens her mouth, because they only have a few minutes left now, and this, this, needs to be the way they start the new year.

Slowly, she rolls over on her back, pulling the brunette with her. It's risky, because the few times they've been close like this, she's always the one on top. But she needs to feel the other woman's weight on her right now.

She can feel how hesitant and careful Olivia is trying to be, but there's also something else there. Something that reminds her of a previous life. Where they could let it all go in the blink of an eye. Completely forgetting about the world outside and just let themselves be whisked away by each other's hands and mouths.

But they can't. Not tonight. So with a heavy feeling in her stomach, she gently places her hands on Olivia's shoulders to stop the kiss.

Now. It needs to happen now. Before she says anything that might change my mind.

"Liv… There's something I need to tell you."

"You can tell me anything." Olivia smiles and it forces tears to well up in Amanda's eyes because the woman on top of her is just so utterly oblivious to what's about to happen.

"I'm…" She looks away as a tear rolls down only to land on the pillow where a tiny wet patch appears.

"Babe, what is it?"

"I'm going away for a little while."

"What?" Olivia lifts herself up abruptly and sits down at the foot of the bed.

"I… I've decided that I need to get away from New York. I… I have some work to do, and I can't do it here." She still can't look at her and keeps her eyes trained on the dresser while sitting herself up.

"Wh- What are you talking about?"

"I'm going home to Georgia. With the girls. I've-"

"No!"

The desperation in Olivia's voice makes her turn her head, but she immediately regrets it because she knows she will never be able to forget that look on her face. "Liv, just listen to me. I can't… I need to do this. For me."

"For how long?"

"I'm not sure." She mumbles.

"You're not sure?"

"I've talked to Sienna." Amanda says, ignoring the other woman's question. "She's coming with me. She can take her classes online anyway and-"

"You've talked to Sienna? So you planned this? Without telling me?"

She knows that Olivia doesn't do it intentionally, but the tone in her voice just makes the guilt so much worse. "I didn't plan this."

"No… Amanda…" The brunette finally moves towards her and grabs her hands. "I just got you back."

"I know. I know it feels like that for you, but I'm not back, Liv!" She moves her hands on top of Olivia's and gives them a tight squeeze as to emphasize her own pain. "I'm stuck! I'm stuck in that house with him, I'm stuck with…" My parents, my childhood, my body, my life. You. "I'm stuck. And I can't-"

"Why Georgia?" Olivia interrupts. "The place that caused you so much pain? Why would you want to go back there?"

"You… You wouldn't get it. I don't even know if I get it. Yet."

"I can come with you. Me and Noah. We can-"

"I don't want you to. I need to do this without you."

There's a moment of silence then and it's like she can feel them both crumble under the weight of everything that's going on between them. And of all the times she has hurt Olivia in the past, absolutely nothing comes close to this. She wants nothing more than to take it all back, to change her own mind, to tell her that she's not going anywhere. But she can't.

"When?"

"Hm?"

"When are you leaving?"

"In two days."

A/N: Said you wouldn't like me, and I get it. You're allowed to hate me for this.

Two things: One, I promise that things will get better. I promise that there are brighter days ahead. But it's a slow process, and Amanda has a lot of healing to do. Not just from what happened with Henry.

Two, I'm about to go on a six day road trip. I'm bringing my laptop, but I can't really promise a new chapter until I'm back home because I don't know how busy we will be. So sorry about this, but I do have a life outside of this fic, lol.

Be kind to yourselves and stay safe!