A/N: I know a few people are hoping that Amanda will change her mind about leaving… I'm afraid I have to disappoint you. But, reminding you that things will get better (I promise!)

So far this fic has been brutal, at times sexy (hopefully), a little funny?, but mostly horrifying. This is without a doubt one of the most heartbreaking chapters (at least for me) and I'm sorry for doing this to them, and to you, and to myself honestly. But here we are.

Mandatory soundtrack:

Joni Mitchell - Both Sides Now

Anouk – I Don't Wanna Hurt

The Gaslight Anthem - National Anthem

Sasha Sloan - Dancing With Your Ghost

CHAPTER 31 - JANUARY 2022

"Girls, why don't you go ahead with Sienna and I'll meet you after, ok?"

Amanda watch as her nanny and the girls walk away, dreading the moment when she has to turn around to face the utter heartbreak personified by the woman standing behind her. And when their eyes finally meet, there's nothing but pain. Raw and complete pain, radiating back and forth from one woman to the other, until it manifests itself in the way they look at each other, in the way they breathe, and in the silence that exists solely between them in an otherwise busy airport.

Her mind is flooded by all the memories they have created together since they first met all those years ago. She remembers their first kiss, in Olivia's old apartment. Rushed and frantic, chaotic and messy. She remembers falling in love. Suddenly and accidental, startling and uninvited. And then forcing herself out of love, only to fall again, and again and again and again.

But surprisingly, it's not the big moments that flashes before her eyes. It's the lingering stares in the squad room, after a painful fight, or after a long night of making love. It's the subtle touches, a hand brushing over her hand, shoulders brushing against each other, a hug lasting just a little too long. It's all the times they stepped inside the elevator after a long day, wordlessly agreeing on going home together.

It's the times she would be sitting at her desk, sensing the other woman's stare, and when she peered up and actually caught Olivia looking at her, she would get that flutter in her stomach that she loved and hated just the same.

Is this me throwing it all away? Will she ever look at me like that ever again?

"I'm sorry." Amanda finally whispers, having absolutely no idea how to do this, how to say goodbye.

She doesn't get a response at first, and one part of her wants the other woman to just turn around and walk away. Another part wants her to yell at her, scream at her, give her exactly what she deserves for doing this. But Olivia does neither.

"Was it something I did?"

The tone in her voice absolutely shatters her. Because of course. Of course Olivia has found a way to turn this into something she failed at. Something she's to blame for.

"No." Amanda shakes her head as she finally closes the distance between them and grabs the other woman's hands. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You did everything right."

"Then why does this feel like us breaking up?"

"It's not. I promise."

"I just want you to stay." The brunette closes her eyes, forcing several tears to pour out and roll down on her cheeks. "I just want you here. With me."

"I know." Amanda uses her thumbs to wipe the tears away, knowing that it's pointless because they just keep coming, soaking the slightly freckled skin that she loves so much. "But I can't be here right now."

Olivia sobs then. Openly and apparently shamelessly. In the middle of an airport, with people bustling around them. And it feels like being punched in the face. But that would've hurt less, probably.

"You don't get it." The brunette cries as their foreheads meet. "You just don't understand how much I love you. How much I need you." It's followed by another sob. Another punch.

No, that's the point, Liv.

"We'll be ok." The blonde whispers, using her hands to tilt the other woman's head a little, so she can kiss her forehead, her wet cheeks and her mouth. "We'll be ok."

"How do you know that?"

"I just know."

"That's not good enough."

"It has to be."

Their lips meet again and the kiss taste like salt and trauma and lingering stares in the squad room and everything that Amanda is currently running away from. Olivia clings to her then, using her entire body to hold her back, hold her here, in New York, the one place she can't be right now.

"I need to go." She breaks the kiss and buries her face in the crook of Olivia's neck.

"No, please."

"Liv. Let me go."

"I can't."

"Yes… you can." Amanda gently, but firmly pulls at the arms that are still wrapped tightly around her and releases herself from Olivia's devastating embrace. "I love you."

She grabs her hand and doesn't let go until she has to, until the distance between them forces Olivia's hand to fall down limply against her side.

She can feel the captain's eyes on her as she walks away, and she can so easily picture her face and the tears still falling freely, and the pain that exudes from her entire being. Each step is another reminder that she has just done the one thing she promised Olivia she would never do. The one thing that this woman fears more than anything; Being abandoned, by someone who is supposed to love her.

Don't look. Don't look. Don't look.

But she can't help it. The pull is too strong. She needs to see her face one last time, even if it will absolutely destroy her. Even if it makes all of this so much worse, as if that is even possible at this point. She needs to look at her.

And so Amanda turns around, and regrets it immediately.

Goodbye, Liv. I love you.

She's not completely sure how she was able to drive home from the airport, but apparently she made it back to the city physically unharmed because now she's turning around her key and stepping inside her apartment.

"Liv, hey." Lucy says, her voice thick with concern and sympathy. "How… How did it go?"

The break is immediate. "She's… gone."

"Oh, Liv… Come here."

She lets herself be hugged for no more than five seconds before she pulls away, proving to herself once again that she truly has mastered the art of pretending that things aren't that bad, when things are nothing but pure and utter hell. "Where's Noah?"

"In his room." Lucy gives a little nod towards the hallway before lowering her voice. "I think he's a little sad, too."

Of course he is.

"I'm gonna go talk to him. Thank you for staying here today."

"No problem at all." The nanny shrugs before she gets ready to leave. "I've missed him, you know."

"I know, and the feeling is definitely mutual." Olivia smiles sadly. "I'll be going back to work in a couple of weeks, so you'll be back on your regular schedule."

She grants herself a short moment to just breathe while resting her forehead against her son's bedroom door. Trying to prepare herself for the blunt questions or the hurtful comments that might come, or worse, the silent treatment.

"Hey, honey." She says, fully aware of how exhausted she sounds as she slumps down on the bed with him.

"Did she do it? Did she leave?"

Maybe the infamous silent treatment would've been better?

"Yeah… She did." She tries to give him a comforting smile, but it turns into a pained expression instead.

"You look very sad, mom."

"I am." Olivia admits. "I'm very sad."

He eyes her for a moment and she's just about to ask how he's feeling when he beats her to it. "Can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything, sweet boy."

"Amanda isn't just your friend, is she?"

Her reflex is to lie, immediately. But the look on his face tells her that he already knows, and lying to him about something like that wouldn't just be cruel, it would also go against everything she has ever taught him about being honest and telling the truth.

So she takes a deep breath, followed by another, before she grabs her son's hand and meets his stare. "No… No, Noah. She's not."

"So she's your… girlfriend?"

Is she? She said we weren't breaking up, but it sure felt like that when she walked away.

"Yes… She is."

"But if she's your girlfriend, why did she go?"

Olivia's tired eyes widen a little then, momentarily caught off guard by how grownup he suddenly sounds. She knows Amanda's disappearance took away a part of his childhood that he will never get back, but when she looks at him now, she prays that the damage is somewhat reparable, that he'll get through this, even if she and Amanda won't.

"Because… Because she's feeling very sad right now, and sometimes when we're sad, we do things that we think will makes us feel better."

"So she will feel better now?"

She runs her hand through his curls as she tries another smile. "I really, really hope so, Noah." She's grateful when she pulls him in for a hug and he doesn't resist. Instead, he eventually rests his head in her lap and for a while they just sit there in silence, long enough for Olivia to wonder if her son has fallen asleep.

"I figured it out when we were at that cabin, last summer." He suddenly says.

"Wh- how?"

"You kissed her... In the kitchen." His words are mumbled, and she instinctively knows that he's blushing a little. Maybe because she's blushing a little, too.

We were so careful.

But clearly not careful enough.

"Was… Was that confusing? Did it upset you?"

"Not really." Noah shrugs a little before he turns around in his mother's lap to look up at her. "And even if she left, you can still FaceTime like we did during covid."

"Yeah." Olivia smiles at his innocence, a stark contrast to how mature he sounded just a moment ago. "I guess we can do that. And, Noah, honey, I should've talked to you sooner. I'm so sorry. And I'm so sorry for everything you've been through lately. I know things have been hard."

"It's not your fault, mom."

It takes everything she has to not break down completely at the sound of his simple and yet profound words. He will probably never know the impact, but she knows that just like she had clung to Amanda at the airport, she will have to hold onto these words in the days ahead if she's going to somehow avoid going completely insane from the heartache that's currently ripping her apart.

A strange feeling settles in the pit of her stomach as she walks into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine thirty minutes later. The apartment, her safe space, her home, doesn't feel like home anymore. It sounds different, smells different, looks different.

As Olivia lifts the glass to her lips and slowly move her eyes around the living room, an unexpected memory suddenly appears, briefly knocking the wind completely out of her.

"You're kidding, right?" Amanda asked dumbfounded as the phone she had just been busy scrolling dropped down in her lap.

"No? Why is it such a big deal?"

"Uh, because literally everyone has seen this movie?"

"Obviously not everyone." Olivia scoffed and pointed at herself.

"Ok, we're watching it right now." The blonde picked up the phone again and wasted no time before she connected it to the TV.

"Ugh, doesn't it last like eight hours?"

"Nope." Amanda shrugged without looking up. "But even if it did, we're still watching it."

A disapproving sigh filled the otherwise quiet apartment then. "You know I'll be asleep after twenty minutes."

"No, you won't." The blonde grinned while moving herself a little closer before poking Olivia in the side, finding that one spot that always made the other woman squirm and giggle like a little girl. "I'll pinch you to keep you awake."

"No!" Olivia squealed while dropping down on her side, trying to shield herself with her arms. "Don't!"

"So you give? You'll watch it with me?"

"Fine." She said, rolling her eyes a little overdramatically. "But if I fall asleep in the middle of an interrogation tomorrow, that's on you."

"I'll take over then, let the expert do it."

"I hate your face."

Amanda grinned even wider now. "No you don't." She lowered her head and hummed when their lips met, ignoring how the upside down kiss was a little awkward. She was close to forgetting about the movie all together when Olivia opened her mouth, but she was after all a woman with a plan tonight and so she pulled away. "No, you're not getting out of this by making out with me. As much as I want that, too."

Five minutes and a trip to the bathroom later, Olivia eyed her suspiciously when a glass of wine, a big box of tissues and an even bigger bowl of popcorn was placed in front of her. "Ready?" Amanda asked excitedly as she slumped down on the couch.

"I guess."

"He really shouldn't get on that boat." The brunette commented while reaching for the popcorn. "Everyone knows what's gonna happen."

"I don't think he knows, Liv." Amanda replied dryly.

"She looks so young."

"She was only twenty-two here."

"She's gorgeous."

Olivia sounded just a little too mesmerized now and it granted her a playful punch to the shoulder from the woman next to her. "Hey, sitting right here, looking absolutely nothing like her."

The captain turned to look at Amanda with a smirk on her face. "She's got nothing on you, kid." She leaned in for a kiss, and just like that, the detective was as happy as a clam again.

"Would you draw me like one of your French girls, Liv?"

"I mean, yeah, sure." Olivia shrugged. "But it would just be a stick figure lying down, really." She was busy refilling her glass when another scene suddenly caught her attention. "Oh, that's the hand thing."

"Yup."

"But see, that just looks so uncomfortable."

"Seriously? It's hot!" Amanda protested while pointing at the screen. "They're having steamy sex in a car. Car sex, Liv, in 1912."

"Yeah, but they're so sweaty and ugh, the humidity. My hair could never."

"Just watch the damn movie."

"So… this won't end well." Olivia mumbled, and the tone in her voice told Amanda that she had finally managed to win her over.

"No, it won't."

The blonde discreetly reached for the box of Kleenex and placed it in the captain's lap. The gesture was met by a sarcastic scoff, but two minutes later the first of what would be several tissues got pulled out. "No, Amanda… That song."

"I know, babe." She reached behind the brunette and pulled her in closer, smirking a little when Olivia immediately relaxed into the embrace and rested her head on her shoulder.

"Not the old couple!"

Amanda pulled out another tissue then and handed it to her. "At least they died together?"

"You're really not helping." Olivia said, followed by a sniffle.

"Jesus, make room, Rose. There's room for him, too!"

"You would think so." The detective agreed, trying not to laugh at Olivia's melodramatic, but oddly cute demeanor.

"Are you ok?" She asked hesitantly when the end credits rolled across the screen and Celine Dion's voice filled the room.

"I'm fine." Olivia said before blowing her nose for the seventh time.

"Does a certain badass cop need me to play with her hair until she falls asleep tonight?"

The question made her scoff, but the comforting hand running through her hair forced her to turn to the side and reveal that she was still crying. "Yes."

Olivia is surprised to find that while thinking about that night, she has moved from the kitchen to the couch without noticing, and she's so lost in her own feelings that the sudden buzzing sound of her phone vibrating against the counter top makes her flinch. The memory had forced tears to fall yet again and her vision is clouded and blurry when she squints her eyes to read the text.

"We're here. I love you."

Nothing more. Nothing less.

She stares at the screen, having no idea how she's supposed to reply. And after five long minutes, she settles for a simple heart, because tonight there are just no words left.

A/N: OUCH. I am in pain.

TBC.