A/N: When I wrote the chapters where Amanda was with Henry I left out a lot of things that he did to her, simply because it's uncomfortable and hard to write, and I wanted to focus more on what was going on inside of her head. But, it's an important part of her story and it will be addressed here. So TW: Mentions of violence/assault.

Other than that, I really hope you like this chapter.

Nightbirde - It's OK

Joshua Radin – No Envy No Fear

Birdy – The A Team

CHAPTER 34 - MARCH 2022

"Ok, I'm leaving. Anything you need from the store?"

"Nope, we're good." Amanda smiles before placing a kiss on top of Billie's head.

"More ice cream!" Jesse exclaims from where she's sitting on the floor of the porch with her coloring book.

The blonde rolls her eyes and lets out a resigned sigh. "Apparently we need more ice cream."

"Noted." Sienna snickers before she waves them goodbye and gets in the car.

The sound of the starting vehicle stirs Billie awake and she squirms against Amanda in the hammock. "Have a good nap, baby?" She hums softly as she runs a hand through her daughter's short, but unruly blonde hair.

The toddler squirms again and makes a slightly disapproving sound, clearly not happy about being pulled from her peaceful slumber. "Feeling a little grumpy, huh? I get it."

Because Amanda is a little grumpy, too.

Even though the date will be forever etched on her brain, she has never really thought about it until this year. Maybe because it's ten years and it feels more monumental. Maybe because they aren't together. Maybe because she thinks about her all the goddamn time.

She wonders what she's doing right now. If she's out somewhere with Noah, or maybe she's working. She's definitely doing something because she still hasn't responded to the text.

"Thanks for the beer ten years ago. It was a really good beer. I love nightcaps."

It's been three hours and she still hasn't replied, and Olivia always replies.

Either way, it feels as good a day as any to wear the dress she had bought a couple of weeks ago. The yellow one, the Olivia dress. Even if it's the only way to celebrate the strangest anniversary in the history of anniversaries, she'll wear the dress proudly and happily, even if she does it without anyone knowing why.

"Mama?"

"What is it, sweetie?" She says followed by a short grunt when Billie digs her little hands into her ribs to sit herself up on her mother's stomach.

"When we go home, can I start dance class? Like Noah?"

"You wanna learn how to dance?"

"Mhm."

"Of course you can st-"

She stops herself, because she just realized that her daughter talking about going home didn't trigger her anxiety. A slight pounding in her chest maybe, but definitely no anxiety. No worst-case scenarios flooding her mind. No intrusive thoughts about how she's not ready, how going to back to New York would surely make her sick again. Or that she would mess things up with Olivia.

The realization that she might be ready to go back home, quickly and effectively pushes away her initial grumpiness. "We could start right now?"

"Huh?"

"Dance class."

"But there's no teacher here."

"Uhm, me?"

"You can't dance." Jesse giggles.

"What?" Amanda says, pretending to be offended. "Who says your mama can't dance? Come on. Pick any song. I'll prove it." She fumbles for her phone and connects it to the Bluetooth speaker on the table behind her. "Pick a song." She repeats as she clumsily lifts herself and Billie up from the hammock.

"The cabin song."

"Cabin song?"

"The one that Livia liked, she said it made her happy."

"Oh, the cabin song." Amanda smiles down at the screen when she finally understands what Jesse is talking about.

When the song starts playing, she realizes just how much time she has spent agonizing over that trip, focusing solely on everything that just hurt so much, almost forgetting about the parts that didn't hurt at all. Like the water gun fight with the kids. The playful and comfortable banter around the breakfast table. The sound of Olivia moaning against her lips long after the kids had gone to bed.

No, that didn't hurt at all, she thinks as she keeps moving to the music while still carrying Billie on her hip.

And she wants it back, all of it. But better this time.

She laughs when the toddler wiggles her way out of her arms to join Jesse on their impromptu dance floor, mimicking her older sister's every single move. And for a moment she just watches them; Her daughters, healthy, happy and safe.

You did good, kid.

"You're not dancing, mama!" Jesse says then, pulling her from her thoughts, looking at her with slightly accusing eyes.

"Sorry." Amanda chuckles. "Maybe I'm not cut out to be a dance teacher after all, huh?" She lifts her six-year-old up and swirls her around.

"It's ok." The little girl giggles. "You're good at other stuff."

Amanda moves them around a few times more, making Jesse giggle even louder, before the weight forces her to place her daughter back down on the ground. "My turn!" Billie demands with her arms stretched up.

With the toddler planted firmly on her hip again, she sings along to the lyrics that sends her thoughts back to Olivia. Wondering what's keeping her from responding to the text. Wishing that the brunette could see them now, suddenly so aware of what a contrast it would be to the last time Olivia saw Amanda and her girls in person.

"Are you crying, mama?" Her eldest daughter asks while peering up at her.

"I just… I wish Liv was here, that's all."

Jesse's eyes suddenly widen as they move from her mother to the driveway. And then, a big grin spreads across her face. "She is."

"Huh?"

The six-year-old is still grinning when she lifts her hand and points. "Livia is here."

Feeling nothing but confusion, Amanda turns around slowly.

And then, everything stops. Her heart included.

"Liv." She whispers.

Because there, less than fifty feet away, leaning against the hood of a black car, Olivia is standing, looking back at her. "You're here." Amanda whispers again, trying to convince herself that this is real. That she's not just still asleep in the hammock and having some kind of wonderful, magical dream.

When she finally realizes that this is actually happening, she kneels to put Billie back down and then she turns to face Jesse. "Honey, do you remember when you said I should get a girlfriend?"

"Yeah?"

"Is it ok with you if that's her?"

"Livia is your girlfriend?"

"Want me to go and find out?"

"Mhm." Jesse nods eagerly.

She's trembling when she lifts herself up and silently prays that her legs are strong enough to carry her long enough to move from the porch and over to where Olivia is still standing, looking more beautiful than ever.

"Liv." Amanda says, out loud now as each step becomes more determined. And then, finally, she's right in front of her. "You." She breathes out. "You're here."

"Surprise?" Olivia smiles, shyly, like she's not entirely sure if she's welcome. "I should've let you know but I just-" The brunette is abruptly cut off when Amanda practically lunges towards her, crashing into her as their lips collide.

And then she melts. They both melt.

"You're here." Amanda half laughs, half cries before kissing her again. "Actually here."

"Thought it was kinda bad taste not to be with you. Ten years and all."

"You remembered?"

"Of course I remember." Olivia scoffs while giving the blonde's shoulder a playful shove.

Amanda grins while leaning in, already desperate to feel those lips against her own again. "I'll give you a proper kiss later." She whispers against her cheek just as Jesse crashes into Olivia's legs, Billie following not too far behind.

"Livia!"

"Oh, hi, sweet girl." Olivia smiles with tears running down her cheeks as she lifts the six-year-old up. "I've missed you!"

"I was on a horse!"

"On a horse?" The brunette asks, matching Jesse's excitement.

"Yes, yesterday! Mama's friend took us."

"Do you have pictures?"

"Only about two hundred." Amanda laughs as she picks up Billie who looks just a little confused by all the crying and commotion.

"Where's Noah?" Jesse asks then.

"Home with Lucy. I wasn't sure if…"

Olivia's words falter as she locks eyes with the other woman. I wasn't sure if you wanted me here.

"We'll see Noah soon, sweetie, I promise." The blonde smiles without breaking the stare. "Very soon."

"When did you, and I mean this in the most respectful way possible, learn how to cook?"

"You're not the only one I've been FaceTiming with." Amanda looks over her shoulder and smirks when she sees the confused look on Olivia's face. "Me and Carisi have been making dinner together. So just… don't ask me to make anything that's not Italian."

"As long as you haven't been undressing for him, too, I'm definitely not complaining."

"Nope, that was just for you." She smiles mischievously while leaning in for a kiss. "I still can't believe you're here." The blonde hums against her lips when Olivia runs her hands through her hair. "God, I've missed you."

Just then the girls comes running through the door with Sienna and Frannie hot on their heels, forcing the two women to pull away.

"Who's ready for dinner?" Amanda asks while discretely wiping away the single tear that has rolled down on her chin, reveling in the chaos that now surrounds her.

"There's really no graceful way to get up or down from this thing so don't even try." She laughs when she looks up and sees how the brunette is eyeing the hammock a little suspiciously.

But this is captain Olivia Benson after all, so of course she can make it look not only graceful, but effortless. "Show off." Amanda scoffs sarcastically while handing her a glass of wine.

The air around them is crisp without being too cold, and for a moment she allows herself to just appreciate it; The comfortable silence between them, the sight of Olivia in front of her, the two of them finally being together again.

But she knows. She knows that there are things that have been left unsaid for too long, that there are things Olivia needs to know. And so she grants herself just a few seconds more of the beautiful bliss before she turns her head and stares into the dim Georgia night.

"He didn't rape me." She mumbles before clearing her throat to steady her voice. "Not that I know. And… I'm pretty sure I would've known."

The other woman doesn't say anything. Probably because she knows what's about to happen. Instead she leans back and looks at her, wordlessly telling Amanda "I'm here, and I'm listening. I'm ready if you are."

"But he did touch me. It was mostly groping… grinding. And a lot of talk. Talk about how he could rape me anytime, anywhere. That I was powerless to stop him. I remember thinking at one point that I just wanted him to get it over with because the threats were so exhausting."

The brunette nods, empathy written all over her face.

"He almost always had the gun pointed at me. Taunting me with it. Making sure I knew that he was in control and that he could kill me anytime. When I was in the shower, when I was sleeping, the few times I tried to fight him."

Amanda closes her eyes briefly while working to control her thoughts. The flashbacks aren't that bad, but the voice telling her stuff like "Liv doesn't need to hear this" is loud and obnoxious right now, and so she takes a short moment to remind herself that yes, Liv does in fact need to hear this. If they are going to move forward together, this conversation is gut wrenchingly necessary.

"He was just so random." She says with a low voice while finally turning to look at the other woman, finding brown eyes filled with tears, pain, and love. A lot of love.

"Sometimes he tied me up, sometimes he didn't. Sometimes he starved me, only to force-feed me after. Sometimes he left me alone with the lights off for days. That was actually worse than the beating."

She vividly remembers that sickening feeling of wanting him to just come back when the feeling of being isolated became too much to handle. It makes her stomach turn thinking about how he broke her like that.

"He used his hands and legs mostly, to hurt me. His gun a couple of times, but that left me unconscious for I don't know how long, and maybe it freaked him out, because he clearly wanted me alive. He… He had a blowtorch, but only used it once. It was enough though. Whenever he showed it to me, he knew I would do anything he wanted."

It's Olivia's turn to close her eyes now, and Amanda is painfully aware of the fact that her words are not just confirming the worst parts of Olivia's imagination, but also triggering memories from her own suffering. A few months ago, this particular guilt would've overpowered her. It would've forced her to shut down, to stop talking all together.

But this is not a few months ago, and instead of shutting down because of some irrational and misplaced culpability, she forces herself to go on. "The last weeks I was with him, I was confused a lot of the time. My thoughts were all over the place. It felt like I was going insane. Honestly… On my worst days, it still feels like that."

She gives the other woman a look, wordlessly letting her know that she still has a way to go. That there are still days when she can't get up from bed.

"I spent a lot of time beating myself up, for being so weak." Amanda continues. "For allowing myself to get so sick that I couldn't even fight back. I tried, but he was just… So much stronger than me. That night, when I decided I needed to leave, I think on some level I realized that it was all connected somehow."

"What do you mean?" Olivia asks then, and it's clear that she's been trying to wrap her head around this for months.

"I couldn't move on from what happened with him, without facing everything that had happened before. Because I needed to understand how… or, why I could let things get that bad. And, to acknowledge that it wasn't my fault. Any of it. How my parents raised me, what happened with Patton. I needed to, like you said years ago, feel compassion. For that little girl, and that young detective. I needed to really feel it, so I could feel compassion for myself now, post Henry."

"And do you? Feel compassion?"

"Yeah, I do…" Amanda smiles. "Most of the time."

Olivia mirrors her smile and for the first time since she started talking, the blonde lets her lungs be thoroughly filled with some much needed air.

"I still feel bad, though. About moving the girls away from their safety net, you, Noah. But it's a rational guilt, if that makes sense. Because now I'm actually able to be there for them, give them what they need, more than what they need, hopefully."

"You've broken the cycle." The brunette says, still smiling.

"Hm?"

"That generational cycle of trauma, of ways to deal with it. You're teaching your kids how to deal with terrible things, to deal with emotions without turning to destructive behavior, without hurting yourself."

"Maybe." Amanda shrugs as the captain's words settles in her chest. "I hope so."

"You are. And it's pretty damn revolutionary if you ask me."

"Thank you."

"No, Amanda. Thank you. For doing this, for trusting your gut, and for trusting me enough to tell me what happened to you."

She makes no effort to wipe her tears away, because she needs the release that they provide. And so she just lays there, silently crying as the hammock gently sways them from side to side while she looks at the woman who just flew nine hundred miles to close that last gap in her heart.

"You said this dress had a story." The brunette says as her fingers reaches out to play with the hem of it.

"I did."

"Care to share?"

"When I was in the hospital, the… the first time I woke up, I was having a nightmare."

"I remember."

"It was your funeral. Because I really thought that you were dead, Liv. That he actually killed you. And in the nightmare, I was wearing a dress, just like this one, instead of my uniform. And it felt so important to wear it because it was your favorite dress, all though in real life I've never even owned something like this."

Olivia smiles sadly as she listens to the blonde's words.

"Anyways. I saw this in a window, and it made me think…"

"What?"

"I just wanted something to remind me that in the end, you survived. I survived."

"We survived." The brunette whispers.

They both know that she's not just talking about actually, literally surviving as human beings. But that she's just as much talking about the fact that they got through this as a couple. And with it, acknowledging how profound it is that they're here now, together.

"We did." Amanda confirms, suddenly overwhelmed with the need to be closer to this woman than she has in months. And so she puts her glass down and lifts herself up.

With a bit of grunting and giggling, she's finally standing upright and with her hands outstretched she helps Olivia up from the hammock, making them face each other, close enough for her to feel the other woman's breath on her lips.

"Let's go to bed, Liv."

A/N: Finally back together. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty damn happy about that.

There are still a couple of chapters to go, but I just wanted to say THANK YOU for joining me on this ride. For being patient and trusting the process, and for letting me know in the comments that you're enjoying the story even when it hurts.

Also: Can we just take a moment to collectively manifest some good Rolivia content on social media now that they're back on set? Going through some serious withdrawals here.