A/N: Wanted to get this chapter up as soon as possible, partly because I'm super nervous about it and partly because I'm not sure if I'll be able to post in a few days.
I really, really struggled with this one. Because I think there are just so many ways this could've played out, and I wasn't sure which direction was the right one for them. But with some help from Twitter (THANK YOU), and my girlfriend, AND looking back at all of their previous encounters, this is the end result. And I really hope it works.
Speaking of my girlfriend, I think I'm gonna go ahead and dedicate this chapter to her because she's so supportive and her input as a psychologist has come in handy several times while writing this story.
Ok, here we go.
(This is explicit… Very explicit.)
Joshua Radin - Today
Oh Laura – Release Me
Laleh – Some Die Young
Grace Gaustad – 93 Days
Bo Burnham – All Eyes On Me (Song only)
CHAPTER 35 - MARCH 2022
"Let's go to bed, Liv."
She closes the bedroom door carefully, her hands trembling just a little. But it's not from being anxious or uncertain or scared, it's pure anticipation.
"Same side of the bed?" Olivia asks, clearly not expecting anything to happen, clearly oblivious to Amanda's plans for how this night is going to play out. And it surprises her a little, with the way she had looked at her outside on the porch just a few minutes prior.
Do I really need to spell it out for you?
"Actually…" The blonde says while placing her hands on the other woman's shoulders before she starts moving them both towards the bed. "You can sit right here."
"Sit" She told Olivia on this day ten years ago. Her voice had been lifeless, loveless, trying to cover up all of her insecurities by just one single command. Now, her voice is soft, and she doesn't have anything to hide anymore. Especially not from her.
She gives the brunette a gentle push, and with a dumbfounded look on her face, Olivia finally sits down on the side of the bed.
The first thing that falls to the floor is the knitted sweater she threw on over her dress earlier in the night. But it's only when she reaches for the zipper that realization spreads across Olivia's face. "Amanda…"
She knows exactly what the other woman wants to say.
"We don't have to..."
"If you're not ready…"
"We can wait…"
"Liv. Look at me." She whispers as she wiggles her way out of the dress, leaving her in nothing but white cotton panties. "It's fine. I'm ok."
Amanda knows that she looks different now. Not quite back to a healthy weight yet, but definitely stronger. The few scars remaining have turned into white marks on her body, marks that she knows she will just have to learn how to live with.
They might be a part of her, but they will never have the power to define her.
Olivia gulps, moving her eyes from where the dress just pooled around Amanda's feet and up the length of her body until their eyes lock. "I can see that."
"I wasn't running from you."
"I know."
"But I needed this."
"I know."
"And I love you."
"I love you."
"Good." Amanda smiles followed by a short sigh and with a little tilt of the head. "Because I really need you to touch me now."
Olivia blinks a few times before she leans in slowly, but without hesitation, gently placing two hands on the small of Amanda's back before she kisses her stomach.
For a while, the blonde just lets herself melt into the feeling with her eyes closed and her head thrown back. It's been so long since she was touched like this, too long since her body didn't protest the closeness that Olivia is currently providing.
She instinctively knows that the discomfort is right around the corner and she breathes steadily through her nose, willing her muscles to relax, as to prepare herself.
And there it is. The doubt. The slightest hint of confusion. About where she is, who's touching her, kissing her, if she's safe. Slowly, she moves her head, open her eyes and looks down at the woman in front of her. She smiles again.
I'm ok. I'm safe. It's just me and her.
She grabs Olivia's hands then and moves them to her sides, pulling them up just a little so she's sure the other woman gets the message. Touch me.
Her hands are careful, but confident. And it's exactly what Amanda needs to keep reminding herself that this is her, she's here, they're here.
"Liv, look at me."
Olivia looks up immediately, just as her palms closes over Amanda's breasts, now encouraged and guided by the blonde's hands on top of hers. "You ok?" The captain whispers with tears in her eyes. Not from sadness, but something else entirely; Lust, happiness, love. The complete opposite of sadness.
"More than ok." Amanda confirms with a breathy voice before she purses her lips and moans softly as the feeling of Olivia's hands on her sensitive skin sends a rush of need between her legs. She can't remember the last time she came alive like this, the last time she didn't feel limited and trapped by her own body.
"But… I want you naked, and I also don't want you to stop what you're doing."
"That's a dilemma." The brunette grins as her thumbs circles over and around two hard nipples, eliciting another moan from the woman standing in front of her.
"Mhm." Amanda nods as her eyes close for a second time.
It's just her. You're safe.
She gets completely lost in the sensation when Olivia scoots herself forward, lifts herself up a little, and wraps her lips around her right nipple. It makes her knees buckle and to avoid falling, she lifts one leg and then the other, effectively straddling the woman on the bed, giving both of them better access to each other's bodies.
"Fuck, Liv…" She breathes the name out when the captain expertly moves her tongue in a tight circle while using her fingers to mirror the motion on the other side.
She could so easily give in right there and then. Because even after all this time, Olivia remembers exactly how to touch her, how to love her. And it makes sense. After all, she's been mapping her body for ten years. She knows.
But as good as this feels, she's not ready to give in just yet. "Stop…"
Olivia pulls away abruptly and looks up at her with worried and apologetic eyes. "Sor-"
"No." Amanda interrupts and shakes her head. "No, that's not what I meant. At all." She leans down to kiss her, to reassure her that everything is fine. "I just don't want to come yet."
"Oh." The brunette's worry fades away as a shy smile spreads across her face.
"This needs to come off." She tugs at the black T-shirt Olivia is wearing before pulling it off her. "And this." She whispers against her ear as she reaches behind the captain's back to unhook the white bra that gives her naturally tan skin that extra glow that is just so characteristically her.
When the other woman is naked from the waist up, Amanda leans back a little to take in the sight in front of her. "Lie back for me, babe." The brunette lowers herself and lets her elbows rest on the bed, the steady rise and fall of her chest a clear evidence of how on edge she is, and how much she has missed this.
When Amanda slowly unbuttons her slacks, Olivia's breath hitches and when the blonde pulls down the zipper, she stops breathing all together.
As soon as the pants are discarded on the floor, she stands up fully just to look at her, to revel in the moment. The fact that she's actually here, that they're finally together again, that they're finally able to love each other like this.
"I've missed you." She says while running her hands up and down Olivia's bare legs. "And you're so beautiful."
"Amanda…" Olivia pleads. She's pleading and it makes the blonde oddly emotional. God, she has missed that tone. She has missed how those dark eyes peering up at her turn even darker just from the anticipation alone.
"What?" She asks teasingly while placing a hand on each knee, now bent on either side of her hips.
Except for the heavy breathing that she seemingly can't control, the brunette falls silent, and Amanda knows why. The woman on her bed can't get herself to ask for anything, tell her to do anything. Because that might be crossing a line, she might ask for too much, ask for something Amanda isn't ready for yet.
"It's ok, Liv." She reassures as she gently pushes Olivia's legs further apart and steps in between them. "You can tell me what you need."
"Or show me."
The three words tumble out of her and surprises both of them, and for a moment she wonders if it was too blunt. Because they haven't done that before.
She's fantasized about it for years, though.
The blonde holds her breath and wonders if she should somehow take it back, but that's when Olivia adds to the surprise.
"Is that what you want?" She asks hoarsely while slowly moving a hand down her stomach, making Amanda realize what's about to happen and just how much has changed between them. A new level of trust, another dimension of intimacy.
"Yes." She admits. God, yes.
She's not quite sure how she's able to keep standing as she watches the brunette's hand slip inside of her panties. Because with her eyes now closed, lips slightly parted, and head thrown back, Olivia looks like a work of very expensive art. Except this particular masterpiece is reserved for Amanda's eyes and Amanda's eyes only.
"Shit…" She hears herself breathe out. Christ, this is beyond hot.
She's tempted to mirror Olivia and touch herself, too, but she's convinced she would be coming in a matter of seconds and she doesn't want that, not yet. So for a moment, she allows herself to just watch, while her underwear gets completely ruined by every single sound now coming from the woman beneath her.
Her moans are soft like velvet, but they reach Amanda's ears like thunder, before they settle in her lower belly, making her clench around nothing, making her physically and emotionally ache and yearn for the other woman's body.
When Olivia bites down on her lip and starts moving her hand more intently, she figures it's time she joins in. And so, Amanda mumbles a quick "need to taste you" before she gets down on her knees, swiftly pulls the underwear down, and hooks Olivia's left leg over her shoulder.
She's rewarded with a desperate sounding whimper when she interrupts Olivia by carefully lifting her hand away and putting two fingers in her mouth, licking her clean. They lock eyes then and the stare only intensifies the electric mood that has settled between them.
While releasing her hand, she gives her one final look before she leans in and puts her mouth to work. They both moan instantly from the contact, Olivia being just a little louder.
"Fu- Oh, shit…"
She's slow and gentle at first, paying close attention to how Olivia responds to the way she's currently moving her tongue. But she can tell that they're both still holding back, and Amanda doesn't want that. She doesn't want it and she doesn't need it.
Amanda needs Olivia to let go. To not worry about scaring or hurting her.
So, she moves her right hand, tilts her head a little and places two fingers at the other woman's entrance. Without actually entering her, she circles her fingers the same way she's circling her tongue and it elicits the exact response that she's looking for.
"Amanda…"
She's teasing her and she knows it, but she wants to hear the other woman say it out loud. She wants her to break through that barrier that's been ruining so many things for so long.
So she doesn't respond. Instead, she continues what she's doing. Waiting, patiently for the brunette to say those magic words.
"Fuck me."
There. Barriers being broken. Olivia needing something that only Amanda can give her. And fuck, she's ready to give.
When she enters her, firmly but not roughly, she realizes that they've basically come full circle now. This is how they started out ten years ago; With the taste of Olivia in her mouth, with these same walls contracting and pulsating rhythmically around her curled fingers.
In many ways, it's the same, and yet it feels completely different. She feels completely different.
She can't help but smile as a particularly loud and oddly cute shriek escapes the brunette, but she doesn't allow her mouth or her fingers to slow down because she knows that sound. She knows that the woman currently squirming against the sheets is just seconds away from a much needed release.
"Don't… shit… st-op."
The other woman must've somehow managed to grab a pillow because her moans and words are muffled now, muffled and strained, and absolute heaven to her ears. It spurs her on and she thrusts into her with more force, moves her tongue more intently, until-
"Shit!"
Olivia's thighs are trembling, practically locking her head in place, and neither of them seem to know how to step on the breaks right now. Because just as a soft sigh leaves the captain's lips, Amanda works her back up again in the matter of seconds.
Only this time, the sounds coming from the brunette sounds just a little different, just a little more frantic. And suddenly her hips lifts up from the mattress while an incomplete and unintelligible sentence tumbles out of her.
"Aman- Fuh- I… You gotta- Fuck!"
Completely lost in the moment and therefore missing her cue to pull away, Amanda's face is soon dripping with the other woman's orgasm that literally gushed out of her.
The blonde leans back a little, momentarily stunned by what just happened.
"Holy shit." Olivia says after throwing the pillow away. The words are followed by a breathy chuckle but when she lifts her head to look at the woman between her legs, her smile fades away. "Oh."
"Yeah." Amanda laughs with only one eye open. "It got in my eye."
"That… has never happened before." Olivia admits with slightly flushed cheeks. Her words are slurred and her voice is trembling from what her body just did.
"Are you ok?" Amanda asks while using the back of her hand to wipe away some of the remains of Olivia's climax.
"Mhm." She nods slowly while licking her lips. "I just need a moment to come earth to back. No… back to earth."
"Take all the time you need, babe." She laughs as she lifts herself up from the floor. "I need to… wash my face, and my hands. Be right back."
Just as she opens the door she hears a winded "whew" coming from the bed, and her smirk lasts all the way to the bathroom.
When she comes back, Olivia is in the same position, seemingly still trying to catch her breath. But the euphoric look on her face have now been replaced with something else, something that looks like a mix of shyness and guilt.
"Sorry."
"What for?"
"I think we need to change your sheets."
"Lets worry about that in a little while. Are you seriously apologizing for coming?" Amanda laughs as she joins her on the bed, leaning in for a short but equally soft kiss.
"Didn't mean to make a mess."
"Best mess you've ever made, sweetheart." Amanda smiles. "It's been a while." She says, more as an observation than a question.
"Eight months. New Hampshire."
"Wait… You haven't even…?"
"No. I couldn't." Olivia admits while turning on her side to face the blonde. Have you?" She asks a little timidly as she places a hand on Amanda's hip.
"No."
"But, you're sure you're ready?"
"I am, Liv. Trust me."
"Ok." Olivia nods and her expression is as serious as it is soft when she moves in for another kiss. "Tell me what you need."
"Hmm…" The blonde hums as the other woman tilts her head a little and warm lips moves up and down her neck, making her skin wet. "Decisions, decisions."
She wants Olivia up here with her, where she can look into her eyes if she needs to, and so she lets her hand ghost the skin on Olivia's arm until she reaches her wrist. While turning fully on her back, she slowly moves their hands to just above her pelvis, her body both nervous and eager. Mostly the latter.
"Touch me."
But before the brunette moves, they lock eyes, and a silent, wordless conversation plays out between them. A conversation they've had before, words they both remember vividly. "This is your body. It belongs to you and no one else, and you're safe here. You don't have to be anything you're not right now. You don't have to be strong. And we can stop anytime. This is your body. And you are so beautiful."
"I know." Amanda whispers. "I know."
Her release is already imminent, and when Olivia finally moves her hand and her fingers run through drenched folds, she has to concentrate on not coming from just that one simple touch alone.
"God." The brunette whimpers against her neck and it almost sounds like she's on the verge of tears. "You feel so good."
Olivia's emotional and somewhat raspy voice is definitely not helping Amanda in her attempt at holding back just so she can enjoy this a little longer.
"You're so wet."
"For you." The two words are rushed out and followed by a soft moan. "Only you."
The only thing that's keeping her from falling apart completely is the fact that Olivia is holding her just a few inches away from the edge with the way she moves her fingers constantly, not giving her that steady friction that would without a doubt seal the deal.
"Keep doing that." Amanda begs, desperate to prolong this for as long as possible. "Just like that."
And so, Olivia does exactly that, while moving her head to kiss her.
It's getting harder and harder to not give in when the other woman's tongue fills her mouth, kissing her deeper and more intently than she has in what feels like an actual eternity. And without breaking the kiss, and with her hips now frantically grinding against the hand, she reaches down and urges Olivia to enter her. Because she just can't wait any longer now.
Her moans from the intrusion is silenced by the captain's lips and tongue, but it still communicates just how close she is. And when the brunette pushes down her palm and moves it in a firm and steady circle, that's it.
"Look at me." Amanda pleads against her lips right before the climax overpowers her completely, making Olivia lift her head enough for their eyes to meet, without stopping what she's doing with her hand.
"I'm here." The brunette whispers. "I love you."
Amanda's ability to speak or think is completely lost on her then. But the other woman's words still manage to penetrate her mind, mixing together with the pleasure that is currently working its way through every single cell in her body.
And it doesn't stop. Dear lord, it doesn't stop. And neither does the hand between her legs. It keeps pushing her higher and higher until her entire body is on fire and until Olivia turns into a clouded, blurry vision in front of her. Just as the tail end of her climax washes over her, a weird feeling settles in her chest. It's light and heavy at the same time, like she's literally high. And then she feels herself rapidly losing control of her own emotions.
Mixed in with her sharp intakes of breath, choked sobs starts filling the room, making Olivia extract her hand immediately. And with one wet hand rested on Amanda's stomach and one on her cheek, she turns her head slightly. "Amanda… Amanda, sweetie, look at me."
She tries, but her cries forces her eyes shut and when she opens her mouth to speak, another string of sobs escapes instead.
"Amanda, honey, it's ok, you're here with me, you're safe."
"It's not… that." She finally manages to croak out.
"What's wrong? Tell me."
There's deep worry in Olivia's voice, and she can't really blame her with the way her tears keeps pouring out, and the way her breath keeps hitching.
"Just… Just give me a second."
"It's ok, honey." Olivia reassures her. "Can I get you anything?"
That's when she notices that her mouth and throat have gone completely dry from what just happened, and so she nods. "Water."
Two minutes later she's propped up against the pillows, clinging to the glass of water that Olivia just handed her, partially covered by the fuzzy blanket the brunette had grabbed from the couch.
"Talk to me." The captain says with a soft voice as she quickly pulls up her underwear and throws the T-shirt back on before getting settled on the bed. "What just happened?"
She takes a sip, willing herself to find her words. "I'm so sorry."
"Hey, you're allowed to cry, Amanda. Anytime, anywhere."
"No, no… Not for what happened right now."
"Then what?"
The blonde looks at her then, and it only worsens the pain because looking at her now, she realizes what she almost lost.
"For leaving you."
Her tears starts to fall again, but at least she has somewhat control now. "I'm so sorry. I promised I would never leave you, and then I did."
"Amanda." Olivia moves closer and lets her hands come out to rest on the blonde's bent knees. "You needed to do this."
"Yeah, but-"
"No. It helped. That's what's important. You took charge of your own recovery and I'm so, so proud of you. If anything, I should apologize for not being more supportive. I saw how much you were struggling, and I still tried to hold you back."
"You had good reasons, though. This could've so easily turned into a complete clusterfuck."
"But it didn't."
"No… I guess not."
"Look at you. Look at what you've done here."
"Worked my ass off." Amanda says, smiling through her tears.
"I know you did." The brunette nods. "Just promise me that wherever we go from here, we do it together."
"Can we start with the shower?"
"God, yes." Olivia laughs. "I have bodily fluids in places they just shouldn't be."
"Hot." The blonde says dryly as she leans in for a kiss before lifting her unsteady body up from the bed.
With the other woman's arms tucked securely around her waist, she rests her head against the wall of the shower as the warm water trickles down on her skin and sooths her spent muscles. And that's when it hits her. That's the moment when that nameless, heavy feeling in her stomach finally subsides, making room for something else. Something that resembles hope.
"Liv?"
"Hm?" Olivia responds while kissing her shoulder.
"Let's go home."
A/N: And back to New York we go, finally.
I really hope I did this justice.
