A/N: Your comments after the last chapter was EVERYTHING to me. They made me so happy and honestly so relieved. Thank you!
I can't believe that we've reached chapter 36 (!) and that there's only one more chapter after this. I really put my soul and heart into this story so I'm sad to see it come to an end, but also ready to start working on other projects.
But back to the story. And finally, back to New York.
TW: ED and PTSD.
CHAPTER 36 – APRIL 2022
"You know we don't have to do this, right?"
"I know." Amanda smiles, but it's the smile that gives away the fact that she's tense as hell and not really ready for this at all. "But I want to."
"I know you do." Olivia says with a gentle voice while facing away from the mirror to close the distance between them, all though given that they're standing in her rather cramped bathroom, there isn't much distance to close. "But it's been a rough day, and I don't mind staying home."
The two am nightmare had suddenly returned, in full force the night before. And it had taken her almost ninety minutes to calm the blonde down, ending with the two of them sitting in the shower until the water turned lukewarm.
And then came the fight a few hours later, when Olivia offered to work from home so Amanda didn't have to be alone. "I don't want or need a fucking babysitter!"
She eventually won that round, but she had lost all the battles that followed when Amanda declined breakfast and refused lunch.
"I'm nauseous." She had mumbled when she emerged from the bedroom to get a glass of water and the brunette held out the half empty container of strawberries that Amanda had munched on the day before. When everything seemed good. Pre nightmare.
"Just leave me alone." She had whispered while turning her back to the brunette, after Olivia had placed a bowl of soup on the bedside table. The comfort soup they both swore by when nothing else worked.
It was the first time food had become an issue since their return to the city, and the captain was alarmed by how much it triggered her own anxiety. How hard she had to work to not lose it completely when Amanda, barely back to a healthy weight, suddenly refused to eat. It felt like being pulled back to a different life, a much, much harder life.
"Lucy is already here." The blonde shoots back, trying not to sound as on edge as she's feeling. "We're doing this. It's just a dinner, right? Just us and dinner and we'll be back in a couple of hours."
It had been Amanda's idea, and maybe that's why she's feeling so hell-bent on going through with it. Three weeks back in New York, and she's desperate to get a sense of real life again. A life that includes taking your girlfriend on a date once in a while. Dates that aren't just shared takeout on the couch or watching the kids play with Frannie in the park.
"We're doing this." She repeats stubbornly. Leaving no room for discussion before she checks her lipstick in the mirror one last time and walks out.
There's another reason for why she wants them to sit in a somewhat romantic restaurant, sharing a bottle of wine without being constantly interrupted by their kids.
Something she's been pondering about ever since their flight back to New York, when she realized that her old apartment didn't feel like her home anymore. And that as ready as she had been to go back to the city, she dreaded going back there. It reminded her of everything she had tried to escape. Everything she had worked so hard to break free from.
When Dr. Hanover had mentioned it a few months ago, she thought it just sounded too drastic. Unnecessary. Too much of a hassle.
"You know, sometimes people with eating disorders find that they have to move to break the cycle. Their house or apartment keeps the disorder alive because the behavior just lives in the walls. Your kitchen might be a trigger, or your bathroom, or even just a mirror."
Once again, the Dr. had been right.
It was time for a change. And as much as she loved the safety of Olivia's apartment, that too had been infected by her trauma. The bed reminded her of nightmares. The bathroom reminded her of cleaning blood off Olivia's lip. The kitchen reminded her of panic attacks. And the living room reminded her of a hidden camera. Sometimes she looked in the direction of where it had been, feeling like Henry was still watching, even though he had been dead and buried for months.
Also, it was definitely too crowded.
And so, she figured it was only natural that a conversation like this required just that little extra touch of romance, as forced as it felt tonight after the day they just had.
"I want to ask you something." She says, willing her voice to sound soft, and not strained or nervous.
Olivia's eyes meets hers as the brunette puts her glass back down on the table. "Ok?"
"And it's ok if you say no."
"Just ask."
"Should we maybe… think about moving in together? Like, find a bigger place?"
"Yes." The captain's response is immediate and followed by a wide and genuine grin. "Yes, I want that."
"Good." Amanda lets out a sigh of relief. She hadn't exactly expected anything else, but it still feels good to get it out of the way, to know for sure that they're on the same page. Especially after feeling so completely out of sync for the last eighteen hours.
"I want nothing more than to live with you." Olivia says, still smiling. "And we do need a bigger place."
Without thinking, the blonde lets her thoughts slip. "And, I mean, I need to do something about all that money."
You're a wh-
Nope, we're not doing that tonight.
"Well, yeah, sure, but if we're moving in together, it's going to be fifty-fifty. You know that, right?"
"Mhm."
Even Liv doesn't want anything to do with your little payment.
Stop.
"Any thoughts on where you'd like to live?" She asks, desperate to silence the intrusive voice in her head. The voice that haven't been there for such a long time. That voice that makes her heart pound and wonder if going back to New York was just one massive mistake.
"Not too far away, I guess." The brunette shrugs while lifting the glass of wine to her lips. "I don't want Noah to have to switch schools."
You didn't worry about your kids when you moved them down to Georgia. That's the difference between you and her. She actually cares about the people she loves.
Please, stop.
"Yeah, no, that makes sense."
"But other than that, I'm flexible."
Unlike you. You're not flexible anymore, are you? So fucking set in your ways. It's a miracle she's still with you, really.
Shut up. Shut up. Shut-
Are you really gonna finish this meal? Admit it, it felt good today. Your stomach empty like that. Admit it. That's what you need, isn't it? Admit it. Admit it. Come on, Mandy. Admit it.
Suddenly everything turns fuzzy. The room feels hot and cold all at once, like she's running a fever. She tries to get her eyes to focus on anything that isn't her plate, but the busy restaurant, the sounds coming from the kitchen, all these people-
They're looking at you. They know who you are. They know what happened to you. Or they think they know. How could an experienced detective let something like that happen to her? Can't you see the way they're judging you? They're all thinking it. Liv included.
"Hey… Hey, Amanda, look at me." Olivia says then, while reaching over the table to grab Amanda's hand, somehow managing to sound calm and panicked at the same time. "Look at me."
I knew this was a bad idea. I knew I wasn't ready. I knew I shouldn't have done this.
Of course you shouldn't have done this. Do you really think you're ready to face the real world? That you'll ever be ready for that? How stupid are you?
"Excuse me." Amanda mumbles, and even though she's not looking at her, she instinctively knows there's pain written all over Olivia's face as she gets up and rushes towards the restrooms. Pain and definitely a lot of disappointment.
"Aman-"
But her voice dies down, because there's another voice that's just too loud right now.
Do it. It'll feel so good after.
She knows she only have a few seconds before the other woman will come storming after her, so her plan is simple: Get your ass into one of the stalls and lock the fucking door.
You know the drill. Hair back, hunch over. You know this. Like riding a fucking bike.
Her fingers are halfway down her throat when she stops. And just as she's about to gag, a choked sob escapes her instead. Months and months of hard work, pushing herself every single goddamn day, only for it to come to this?
I can't.
Yes, you can. Come on, Mandy, don't be so fucking weak.
She moves her hand then, coughing a little before she reaches for the toilet paper to clean the spit off her fingers.
Not Mandy. Amanda.
Sure. You keep telling yourself that.
I will. If that's what it takes for you to shut up.
You know I will never shu-
"Amanda?" The careful knock on the door makes her stand up abruptly. Like she's just been caught in the act. "Honey, can you please come out and talk to me?"
No.
Yes.
Slowly she unlocks the door, absolutely dreading the look in Olivia's eyes that's waiting for her on the other side.
And there it is. The intense worry. The heart wrenching disappointment. The reminder that no matter how hard she works to get better, the woman who is currently looking back at her might never trust her again.
"I didn't… I couldn't do it." She says, wrapping her arms around herself before she steps out of the stall.
"Good." The brunette responds as she pulls her in, ignoring how tense Amanda's body feels. "That's good."
"No, it's not." Amanda immediately starts crying against her shoulder, knowing that her words are just as irrational as her thoughts were just a minute prior. Knowing that it doesn't make any sense.
"Yes. Yes, it is, honey." The other woman's hold on her is relentless, making it clear that she's not letting go anytime soon. "You did good."
You did good, kid.
She lets the mantra play on repeat in her head as she continues to cry, not completely sure if she's crying over the loss of a disease that nearly killed her, or simply because she's exhausted.
"I'm so tired." She finally admits.
"I know." Olivia whispers against her temple while running a hand through her hair, breathing just a little easier when she feels Amanda finally relax against her. "Let's go home and get you to bed, hm?"
"I'm sorry, Liv." The blonde says when they're settled under the covers, facing each other. "I totally ruined everything tonight."
The captain moves in closer then and lets a hand come up to caress the other woman's cheek. "You did no such thing." Her voice is as gentle as it is stern. "You didn't ruin anything."
This was definitely not what Amanda had in mind when she invited Olivia to dinner. They were supposed to be naked under the covers by now, touching each other and loving each other, still in their blissful state after finally being reunited. She figures it's worth a try, that she owes Olivia that much, so she leans in for a kiss. Only to realize after less than five seconds that it's pointless. Her body has officially shut down for the night.
"Not tonight." She mumbles while pulling back. "Sorry."
"I know." The brunette goes back to caressing her cheek, gently rubbing her thumb over soft skin, wordlessly letting her know that she isn't expecting anything from her right now. "Stop apologizing. Get some rest."
Olivia doesn't sleep that night. She waits. And when it's closing in on the two am mark, she holds her breath.
Nothing.
Just the steady rise and fall of Amanda's chest.
She desperately wants to lean in and kiss her exposed shoulder, or just wrap an arm around her waist, almost as if she wants to praise her for not waking up screaming. But she worries that it might trigger something, and the blonde is finally sleeping peacefully. So instead, the captain lies completely still.
It takes eleven days for her to break this cycle, and even though there are no more nightmares, even though Amanda is quick to go back to her meal plan, it still stands as a harsh reminder that this is far from over.
That the dam can burst any fucking time.
Nevertheless, she also finds that this painful and exhausting realization makes the random rays of sunshine so much brighter.
"You're kidding, right?" Amanda asks, sounding genuinely offended and shocked.
"No, it's true!"
"It's so not true." She scoffs.
"Yeah, it is. He's the best one." Noah insists.
"How? He's just a pompous di-"
A very sudden and loud cough from the kitchen interrupts her near slip of the tongue. "A pompous jerk."
"But he's funny!"
"So? That doesn't make him the best Disney villain. Scar is so much better."
"No, he's just mean."
"Exactly." The blonde nods triumphantly. "Mean and calculated. A good villain."
Their bickering on the couch is once again interrupted, but this time by Olivia's chuckle from where she's seated by the kitchen counter.
"What?" Amanda and Noah asks in unison as they turn around to look at her.
"Nothing." Olivia responds without raising her head, eyes still trained on the laptop. "It's just that you're both wrong."
"Like you would know." The blonde scoffs again, looking at Noah and rolling her eyes sarcastically. It makes the nine-year-old let out something that resembles a mischievous giggle.
The captain raises her head then and eyes them both from behind her thick framed glasses. "You don't think I know about villains?"
"When was the last time you sat through an entire Disney movie?"
Before Olivia can answer, Noah adds "Without falling asleep."
"Excellent point." Amanda joins in while lifting her hand for a high-five. With a smirk on her face she mouths "more ice cream?" making Noah nod eagerly.
"What's happening now?" Olivia asks with suspicious eyes as the blonde tip toes towards the kitchen, looking as guilty as ever.
"Look away." Amanda smiles innocently before she opens the door to the fridge.
"I must've missed the part where I said yes to more ice cream."
"But, mom, I'm sick."
"Yeah, mom, he's sick." Amanda mimics the tone in his voice perfectly.
"You don't look that sick to me. Pretty sure you just wanted one more day so you wouldn't have to move away from your new home." The captain gestures towards the couch where Noah and Amanda have been camping out for three days after her son caught a nasty cold earlier in the week.
Neither Noah nor Amanda responds then. Instead the boy slowly turns back to face the television while the blonde generously fills two bowls with ice cream, wearing a pleased grin on her face.
"Cannot believe that the two people who are supposed to love me the most are ganging up on me like this."
"I'll make it up to you later tonight." Amanda whispers next to her ear before she returns to the couch.
"Ugh." Olivia groans eight hours later. "That feels amazing."
"You feel amazing." Amanda leans down to kiss the top of her neck. "Tense, but amazing."
"I'm not tense."
"Yes, you are." The blonde says as her fingers digs into a particularly tight spot under the captain's shoulder, eliciting a sharp hiss. "What are you thinking about?"
The room falls silent then, and Amanda counts the seconds that pass by. She reaches thirty when she gives up on waiting for the other woman to respond. "Babe, talk to me."
"I've…" Olivia starts before she stops to take a deep breath, as deep as it goes in her position on her stomach, pressed down slightly by the way Amanda is straddling her backside. "I've been stressed lately. After what happened that night."
While not necessarily surprised, a heavy feeling still settles in the blonde's stomach when she realizes what she's talking about.
"I want to trust you, Amanda, I do. But-"
"You're worried I'm gonna get sick again." She says matter of factly while still moving her hands over the captain's naked back, made extra soft by the oil she had applied fifteen minutes prior.
"I'm worried that you're hurting. And… that you regret coming back."
"It was a bad day. I'm gonna have bad days." She moves her hands down to the small of the brunette's back, rubbing the area that the captain too often reaches for when she's been sitting at her desk for too long. "It doesn't mean I'm regretting my decision to come back."
"I know…" Olivia sighs. "I know."
"And I'm good now. Trust me." Amanda leans down again to place another kiss against the other woman's neck. Except this time, she lets her lips linger before she tilts her head a little, her tongue coming out to tease Olivia's pulse point.
"Let me make you feel good, too."
"You don't-"
"I know I don't have to." She says before moving her head so her mouth aligns with the brunette's ear. And then she lowers her voice to barely a whisper. "I want to."
"Ok."
She pushes her hips down against Oliva's backside, more intently now to make it clear what's in store. And to let the other woman know that they will always, always, find their way back to each other.
The woman beneath her is breathing heavily now, and it's exactly the signal she was waiting for.
"Lift up a little, babe." Amanda mumbles while leaning forward, holding herself up with one hand planted next to Olivia's head. Her free hand is wiggled in between the brunette and the white sheets, and a soft gasp fills the room when she finally reaches her center. "Fuck…"
"Good?" She asks when her hand starts to move, slightly limited by their position, but it only adds to the friction.
"So good." Olivia moans before she buries her face in the pillow, making her next words almost inaudible. "Don't stop."
Amanda doesn't stop. Not until the third orgasm leaves the captain absolutely spent, sweat trickling down her neck, pooling between their bodies with the blonde now sprawled out on top her.
"Sorry your massage got cut short." She eventually murmurs while carefully removing her hand, stretching her slightly aching fingers after the workout session they just endured.
"Best massage I've ever had." Olivia chuckles tiredly against the pillow before she signals for Amanda to move off her so she can turn around and breathe properly.
She grants herself a minute to recover before she rolls over on her side to let the blonde know that she's ready to reciprocate the pleasure. But her eyebrows furrow when Amanda breaks the kiss with a gentle but firm hand against her shoulder. "I'm good." She smiles. "Promise. I just… Won't be able to reach the finish line tonight."
"What are you thinking about?" The brunette asks then, echoing Amanda's words from before.
She waits patiently, watching as the other woman works to gather her thoughts. Waiting for her to invite her in and let her know what's going on inside that beautiful mind.
And finally, Amanda turns to look at her, blue eyes looking clearer than they have in a long time.
"I think I miss my job."
A/N: One chapter to go.
Will Amanda actually make a comeback as a detective? Are they finally moving in together? Let's find out when this story comes to an end in chapter 37.
