A final author's note:
You didn't ask for this, but I needed to get this out of my system, so here it goes:
I made a lot of choices for this fic that I feel needs some explaining now that it's finished.
Why I gave Amanda an eating disorder? Three reasons:
One, I didn't want her involved with gambling after her canon recovery, because I honestly don't think I could've written that kind of addiction very well/realistic. But, I knew I wanted her to deal with something that would complicate things for her, and her relationship with Olivia.
Two, I have a lot of personal experience with ED, and kind of turned this into a little personal experiment for myself to see if I could deal with the triggers of writing someone with ED behavior. It was risky, but in the end, it was a good decision because I got to prove to myself that I've come such a long way.
And lastly, I needed her physically weak when Henry took her. Amanda is a fit and strong detective so writing her physically weak made it "easier" to work with the story without too much fighting/violence/her being tied up all the time.
Why I didn't write Olivia/the squad saving Amanda?
I wanted to. God, I really wanted to. But more than that, I wanted to write Amanda at her absolute lowest, ready to die, having given up on everything and everyone, but still finding that strength somewhere deep inside to finally kill him and get away.
Why I let Henry have her for such a long time?
I wanted him to become a symbol of how she's been feeling for years. Trapped, isolated, vulnerable, constantly close to her breaking point. And I wanted to explore what would happen to her and Olivia during a longer period of time than maybe 1-5 days. What happens when you constantly have to convince yourself that the person you love is still alive? When do you give up, if ever?
Why I made Amanda go to Georgia and not do all of her healing at home in NYC with Olivia by her side?
Because I wanted her to have the freedom she had been robbed of for so long, to do what felt right for her. And even before Henry happened, there were just so many things from her past that kept her sick, and that held her back. I'm not saying that facing things like she did is the only way to get closure, but it felt like the right thing for Amanda.
And after being kind of stuck and dependent on Olivia for so many years, even when they weren't really together, I thought it was important for her to do something completely by and for herself. To prove that she is her own person, capable of taking charge of her own recovery and healing and doing it in the way that she needed.
Having her go back to work.
I didn't decide on this until right before I started working on the last chapter. Is it realistic after what she went through? I honestly don't know. I think human beings are capable of surviving the most awful things, and move on from there somehow. And in the end, Amanda wanted to find herself again, and being a detective is such a huge part of her identity. So I wanted to give that back to her, even after she thought for such a long time that it would be impossible to go back.
A possible sequel?
Yes, I've been thinking about a possible sequel to this story, maybe more from Olivia's POV. But I have several other fics I want to write first (I'm a multi shipper, so not all of them will be romantic Rolivia).
I am so grateful for every single one of your comments along the way, and that you kept reading even when things were just horrible. I'm also very grateful for my amazing Twitter friends who encouraged me and helped me when I was stuck, really couldn't do this story without your help.
And my girlfriend who, without watching SVU, reads every chapter, gives important insight from a psychologist's POV, and is so supportive of this slightly odd hobby. Also, she read this knowing all too well how Olivia felt when Amanda was sick, so it's safe to say that a few tears were shed between us.
Thank you.
Finis.
