Author's Notes: Just to clarify, this is chapter 14 of volume 5 of the 3-in-1s. It functions as a precursor to the scene where Subaru and Kamui talk about him returning to school and how Keiichi has missed him.
Kamui sighed from where he was lying still on the large, plush bed, covered in satin blankets and rich brocades. It would be the height of luxury if he were in a position to actually enjoy it. He was getting used to his unchanging view of the bedroom ceiling and the way dust particles filtered across the sunlight through the window. A timeless beauty, but time was of the essence; the world very much needed saving still, but his ribcage was in no state to permit him the pursuit of it. At least the drapes were nice, he figured dismally.
"You're awake," a soft voice came from the doorway and Kamui was pleased to say that even without looking he could hear the smile in his voice. The door clicked closed and Subaru stood before him, gauze still wrapped about his injured eye, dressed in black. He was without his long overcoat and that made him realize how thin Subaru actually was, which then led him to wondering if he should be concerned about that. But he cast such worries aside; he already had too many to keep track of. Instead, Kamui allowed himself to smile back; Subaru had loyally visited him every day now and every time it happened Kamui was pleasantly surprised because surely he would stop eventually. Surely Kamui wasn't worth taking up so much of the head of the Sumeragi clan's time.
And yet it seemed he must be for he kept returning.
"How are you doing?" Kamui asked as Subaru settled onto the bed beside him, clasping his hand gently within his own. His heart warmed and any previous boredom was lost with that simple touch.
"Really, shouldn't I be asking you that?" Subaru chuckled. "You've been asleep a great deal of late."
Kamui's smile faded slightly; Subaru was avoiding the question. He didn't often do that, but when he did it indicated there was something troubling him. Well, troubling more than was usual.
"I think I'd like to return to school today," Kamui finally said. "I've been sleeping too much and my ribs are almost entirely healed. I'm ready to move on." He said it firmly; he didn't want to be convinced otherwise.
Besides, sleep was a dangerous thing for the Kamui. It meant dreams, dreams of prophecy, dreams of chaos, dreams that drained him more than a sleepless night might and he wondered how Hinoto could bear to be a dreamseer. Thankfully, the previous night had been tranquil; he could recollect nothing from it and that was perhaps the greatest indicator it was time for him to return to reality.
Subaru hummed in response and gently moved the blankets pulled up to his chin down to inspect his chest. Gauze was wrapped about it snugly and Kamui was sure he didn't look as if he were ready to sit up much less set out for school, but there were certain luxuries not permitted to the Kamui despite the finery that currently surrounded him. Then he felt fingertips trail about the wrapping, Subaru's touch leaving a tingling sensation as they passed him over. It was tender and forthright, and spoke of worry and fondness and everything Kamui wanted to bottle up and keep for himself forever.
He closed his eyes and shivered slightly; they had moments like this, moments Kamui desperately wished would become more but he continually told himself he couldn't ask, couldn't push. The shadow of the Sakurazukamori was too long and Subaru's heart too distracted to indulge someone like him. By whatever standard Kamui chose to employ, the only result he could see was that he would never get to keep Subaru.
"I thought about you yesterday," Subaru said suddenly, his palm stopping to rest over his heart. "And the day before that."
It was a pleasant weight, Kamui decided. It spoke of safety and consideration rather than any threat.
Subaru's words were said simply, without any indication of what he thought of his own statement. Kamui forced his eyes open and found he couldn't quite describe the expression on Subaru's face either.
He mulled the words over, then pointed out, "You visited both days as well." He was unsure of what else he was supposed to say.
"That's true; I'm here again, so I suppose that means I thought about you today as well." He was smiling again, a secret, sad thing that suggested unspoken things that would be better left unsaid. Kamui wondered if that were really true or not.
"I thought about you as well," Kamui admitted and he wasn't embarrassed to say it. He had yet to experience any real embarrassment around the man; it was hard to when he'd already seen him at his very worse. Anything else could only be an improvement. "But that isn't unusual," Kamui continued, looking away awkwardly because that was possibly too honest. "I'm glad you've come to visit."
"As am I," he said easily. "Time almost stops in this room or so it seems." Mutually they both took a moment to survey the room in question. The sunlight brightened it up substantially from the gloom it inevitably fell into at night. Then he shook his head, chuckling ruefully. "Perhaps that's romanticizing injury too much."
"No, that's… sometimes romance can be nice," Kamui said and he flushed slightly. Perhaps he was being too bold now, but before everything with Fuuma, before things had gone so wrong with Kotori, he'd always been far more of an upfront individual. Constantly attempting subtlety was not his strong suit and neither was holding back and yet he found himself doing both constantly. "In times like these it's a matter of finding peace when you can…" he finished and hoped it was enough.
He met Subaru's eyes and willed him to understand, to leave him unjudged as he always had in the past. He couldn't say it directly much as he wished he could-he probably never would with how things were-but he wanted him to know how much he valued his time and presence if nothing else.
He closed his eyes once more as Subaru reached out to cradle his cheek; it was gentle and warm just as always, but it somehow spoke of rejection. "Perhaps," Subaru murmured. "I remember feeling much the same as you do now. All I wanted was acceptance and understanding and-" He broke off, cleared his throat. "But that's the past."
"Subaru…"
"When I thought of you," Subaru continued as if he hadn't been interrupted, "I thought of the weight you bear and the drive you have to continue onwards. I wondered if I would have been so capable in your position and I'm forced to admit I wouldn't have been. I think I would have crumbled right away."
They were quiet a moment, Subaru still stroking his face. "I admire you," Subaru said quietly. "And if things were different…"
"Don't," Kamui whispered. "That… hurts too much. And they could be. Different, you know. Just for today." He was asking for that "more" he was never supposed to ask for. He'd promised himself he never would, but the longing on Subaru's face-he recognized it for what it was now-and the despair Kamui felt along with his decision to continue on made him more vocal. "I know it's selfish and I should do what you said and pursue my wish but I… Subaru…"
Words were meaningless in this moment, Kamui realized. He could never speak the magnitude of his admiration or longing and maybe he didn't even have to since Subaru had seen everything there was to know about him already. So instead, he forced himself into a sitting position-substantially easier than it had been a week ago-and reached out to cup his face in his hands, carefully as if Subaru might break if he moved with anything less than the utmost care.
"Can I?" he whispered. It was the hardest thing he'd ever brought himself to say.
Subaru stared at him like a man being offered water after wandering the desert for days without any respite in sight, but in the end, Subaru didn't say anything at all, he merely closed his eyes, his expression one of either tranquility or acceptance. Kamui hesitated but a moment before leaning in to press the chastest of kisses to Subaru's lips.
At first Subaru didn't react and Kamui felt a jolt of ice cold fear that he'd ruined everything before, very tentatively, he felt Subaru's lips press back. They were cool, almost like marble made flesh, and they were awkward, hesitant. It dawned on Kamui that despite Subaru's longer life experience this was wholly unfamiliar territory for him as well and that eased the fear in his heart. At least the Sakurazukamori had never had this, hadn't managed to force the pall of his existence on every scrap of intimacy Subaru might ever have.
When he withdrew, his face alight with embarrassment, he was met with Subaru shaking, his eyes moist. "I…" He shook his head and wiped at his eyes. "I'm sorry, Kamui," he said shakily. "You deserve better than a broken man. I'm not made for these things anymore."
"That can't be true," Kamui replied insistently, thinking privately that the facts strongly indicated Subaru was wildly out of his league. "The fact that you're here, that you care as much as you do… Thank you," he finished simply, inadequately. "Subaru, thank you."
Subaru gave a disbelieving, cut-off chuckle that was perhaps the saddest sound Kamui had ever heard, one which was wholly unacceptable in this surprisingly peaceful bubble they found themselves in. Everything was still, the rest of the Dragons of Heaven gone for the day; they were completely alone, and Kamui knew there would never be another time for this, knew it with the clarity of prophecy that whatever he wanted to share with Subaru had to be now or never.
So he pressed himself close and when Subaru responded-not reluctantly, but with something almost akin to awe-Kamui allowed himself to sink into the warmth that subtly radiated off of him, permitted mingled breaths and clasped hands, and most of all explored the fragile hope there would be a future tomorrow that might allow for more.
Author's Notes: Someone left some very nice notes on my ship manifesto, which inspired me to wrap up this idea I've had for a bit. For those of you wondering about the next chapter of When the World Ends, it is in the rough draft stage. I hope you enjoyed this oneshot. (^^)
