Chapter Notes:
It has been so long and I am sorry about the delay. Rest assured I have not abandoned this story, just had been busy with RL and such.
Finally got my degree in Psychology but decided to work on a marketing company instead of following my said degree. But enough about me, here's the update. This is betaed by my good sis, ODA, under extreme duress, so thank you!
Special thanks to Lauzyroxy95 for giving me the push to update this story.
Note: Italics are Buffy's personal/Slayer thoughts.
(O.O)
Spike
A knock on the door was what brought me back from my own melancholic thoughts.
I wanted to ignore it. But knowing who was on the other side-well, pretty sure the bitch would break it if I didn't answer her.
I stood up from my bed and opened it angrily with a loud "What?!" passing through my lips.
But my unwanted visitor didn't seem fazed by my actions. In fact, she merely gave me an unimpressed look that she normally reserved when I was doing something stupid.
Bitch. It wasn't like moping in my room because of what I did to the Slayer was stupid. She had no right to judge me for not feeling a 100% alright over what happened last week on the incident with my demon.
It was definitely a reasonable excuse for me to not what any contact with anyone after what I've done.
I shuddered every time I thought back on that night. I can barely talk about it without bawling my eyes out.
Of course, Darla had to be the meddlesome old hag and forced the truth of what happened out of me, despite my begging her not to ask. But then after I told her, she then went on fucking mother hen on me and started blaming the Slayer for everything. She said my demon would not have broken loose had the Slayer been stronger and suppressed her own urges.
Like he had a choice?!
It wasn't her fault magic screwed her brains and made her think that she was someone else. Me, on the other, always had control over my demon, but I lost that said control because I was a pathetic and rotten bastard and I ended up hurting the woman I cared really deeply for. It wasn't magic that made me lose to the demon inside me. It was my own bloody instincts and sodding dark desires that got the Slayer hurt and I have a right to feel fucking shitty about it.
But little Miss I'm-in-charge-and-knows-what's-good-for-you thinks otherwise.
She's vehement in her belief that I had no control over what happened and this was something I should not be blamed for.
She's even insistent that I go and talk to the Slayer and her Watcher about it.
Like hell I'd do that?!
I mean, yeah, I want to die for what I did, but my demon's survival instincts still rule my bloody unlife and it knows that the moment I show my face to the Slayer and her chums I'd be nothing more than dust in the wind.
So call me a coward, but I would rather go out fighting than simply laying down and letting myself be killed like cattle.
"Clean up and fix yourself," the bitch's demanding voice woke me up from my depressing musing.
"Why?" I asked her, not wanting to really do anything other than stay in my room, read books to find a cure for Dru and think of ways I can get myself killed once we finished what we came for here in Sunnyhell.
"You have a visitor and, even if I know we don't use our nose to breathe, I would very much like to actually smell other scents other than your own rank stench, Childe," she stated in that haughty tone of hers.
I was about to reply with my own brand of snark when it finally processed in my mind the first part of what she said.
"Visitor? I told you I don't want to see the whelp. Tell him to leave." I told her and was in the process of closing my bedroom's door when she pressed her hand on it and stopped me.
"It's not the boy," she stated, giving me a meaningful look.
It then struck me like a lightning on a rod, when I realize who it was that was visiting me.
I froze at this.
I knew she would come. I expected it after what happened. Sometimes, I even wished for it.
But now that she has, I can't help but feel overwhelmed with different emotions.
One part of me was scared. Scared to see the face of my sin. Scared to be confronted by the victim of my darkness.
Another part of me felt resigned. I did expect this to happen sooner or later. I was ready to die after what happened.
Heck, Darla fucking placed me in suicide watched and had been keeping me in a tight leash since I told her. Not letting me leave the house to hunt because she knew I'd probably find the biggest beasty out there and let them have a piece of my glorious arse without so much of a fight.
And then, there was another part of me, the very darker and hated part of me, that was excited to see the young woman who I wanted to be my mate.
I immediately shut that part down. It was bad enough that I let the bastard out and allowed it to hurt the girl. It's worse if I continue to let it run my own current thought process, especially on this time when the Slayer had finally come to end my pathetic existence.
I sighed.
I decided to allow only the second of emotion to govern how I feel. It was the only one out of the three that would make sense at this moment.
I hurt the girl. Even though I promised that I wouldn't. I still ended up hurting Buffy. And for that I should just die.
"What's the point in dressing up? I'd be dust in few minutes anyway," I muttered to myself as I turned to do what the old hag told me to do with great reluctance.
"I'd no sooner slaughter that girl if she so as thinks to harm one single hair in your body, William," grandmum stated surprising me with the anger I hear in her voice.
Turning back to face her, I immediately admonish her words.
"Don't be like that. She has every right to want me dead. I hurt her."
"And as I have told you, it was not you who hurt her. It was your demon, boy. When are going to get it in your thick skull that you had no control over what happened as she had."
Now, I'm pissed.
It was this same argument again. As I said, ever since I told her, she's been insisting on my innocence for what happened. Always claiming that it wasn't my fault. That I had no control over what happened.
What a load of bull!
"I can't just lump the responsibility of what happened to the demon! I was there too!" I screamed at her.
She had no idea what I was going through, and it pissed me off even more.
"You said it yourself, you lost consciousness and the demon took over. You had no idea what you were doing until you heard the Slayer call out your name," Darla reasoned, "There are times when our demons get the best of us. It cannot be helped, William."
"But I should not have lost control over my own beast! What the bloody hell is the point of having this soul if I can just lose myself to my darkness?!" I yelled back, as I felt tears of frustration run down my eyes.
I immediately wiped them off. I hated crying like a ponce. But the Poet in me can't stop feeling overwhelmed with grief at what happened.
"I hurt her, grandmum," I whispered, suddenly feeling tired again. "I hurt the girl. Even when I made a promise I would never hurt another innocent life after I got my soul, I still did. And I don't think I can live with myself because of it."
Damn these tears. I can't seem to stop them from falling.
I then felt myself be pulled down in a tight hug by the older vampiress in front of me.
"Shh, shh, there, there. I'm sorry, dearheart.." I heard her whisper comfortingly.
Normally would shrug off any type of affection from this woman that she'd direct my way. Snark my way out of it in most days. But today wasn't those days. I needed this. The soul knew it.
I felt myself slid to my knees and knew my Grandsire carried most of my weight to slow down the decent. She allowed me to cry and I did.
We stayed there, not sure for how long, but I knew it was long enough for my knees started to feel numb.
I held back the last of my sobs and slowly extricated myself from my Grandsire's embrace. I wiped off the last of my tears before looking up to face Darla.
It always weirded me out when she started giving those kind and caring expressions. But over time, I got used to them. She was really like a mum to Dru and I and I don't know what we'd do without her.
"Ta. I guess I needed a good pathetic cry before facing the Slayer."
"It was nothing, Childe," she said, feeling one of her hands caressing my hair.
"Guess I better change. Wouldn't want to look bad on my last day on earth," I tried to joke trying to lighten the mood but the glare I got back from the older vampire was enough to shut me up.
"She will not hurt you," she stated, as if making a promise to herself as well.
Well, that's mighty kind of her.
But I can't let her hurt the Slayer to protect me when I was at fault.
"Grandmum, please listen to me," I told her, "If she wants to kill me, let her. I know you think I am not at fault but we both know whatever the demon does in our bodies, we are to be blamed as well. She has every right to seek vengeance."
"Maybe she does. But it will not change the fact that I will not allow her or anyone in this hellhole to hurt what's mine. And you and Dru, William, are mine."
And with that she stood up and left me alone in the room.
I could do nothing but sigh in defeat, not really knowing what to do once I faced the Slayer.
Dying by her hands would be the best solution to elevate the guilt I felt.
But if I die, I knew my family, who I will leave behind, will definitely come after the Slayer and her friends and do God knows what horrors to them and I can't have that either.
I didn't know what to do.
Damn, I hate my unlife.
(O.O)
Buffy
I was nervous.
I could not help it. I had started pacing on the cemented grounds of the house's backyard garden area. It was where Darla left me after I told her I was there to see Spike.
She didn't look angry at me, which was surprising. I totally expected her to be at least furious at me since I thought for sure Spike would have told her what happened. Or at least, she would have smelled it on him when he came home that night.
God, I felt sick just thinking about what I did.
I start regretting coming here tonight. I knew should not show myself to him. I hurt him I know he would not want to see me. Plus, I think read somewhere that rape victims don't want to see their rapist because it causes flashbacks or something. So I started to doubt my decision to follow Willow's advice.
This is so stupid. I should just go.
I've been waiting for nearly 15 minutes, and my anxiety was rearing back into my stupid brain.
There's still a good chance he just didn't want to see me.
I finally made up my mind and was a step a away from walking towards the garden's exit, when I felt a familiar tingle in my skin.
He's here!
That stupid Slayer voice shouted at the back of my mind. I immediately pushed that voice in the back of my mind. I didn't need it right now.
Especially when I am going to be talking to him.
I was scared. I knew he was standing behind me and I was afraid of what I will see when I turn to face him.
Is he angry? Disgusted? Or does he hate me?
Somehow the last part was the one that hurt the most. I did not want him to hate me. After everything I had done to him, I did not want him to think I don't matter anymore.
I was shaking. I felt my eyes water up a bit. No tears yet. But I knew it was coming.
"Buffy."
I heard him say. And God, how I missed his voice. I did not even know one can miss someone's voice. But I could not stop the shiver at the back of my spine as I heard that familiar accent.
I took a deep breath before finally turning to face him.
"Spike," I responded as I took in his appearance.
He looked freshly showered. I could see his hair was still wet and his cute curls were showing up. He wasn't wearing his signature coat but he wore a fitting black shirt that accentuated his masculine body.
At first glance he looked good. But I can tell that he was far from that. I can see that he was stiff and tense. There were bags under his eyes and had that haunted look in his face that I was certain came from the memory of what happened a week ago.
Dammit. I am not ready for this.
I cried internally as I realized I was causing him more harm than good, than I intended when I came here tonight. I was panicking. I did not know what to say.
What do you say to a person you had hurt and raped? I know rape victims were not allowed to see their assailants because it could cause flashbacks at what happened. I remember seeing a documentary about how it would do more harm to the victim than good.
Is that what I am doing to him for being here?
I thought as I tried as hard as I can to bring air in my lungs.
Why is it hard to breath?
I can hear gasping noises.
Who's doing that?
A few seconds later, I realize that I was the one making them.
I could feel my body shaking. My vision was blurry.
What's happening to me?
I tried to speak out but came out as gargled noises.
"Buffy.."
I heard someone say.
"Buffy. Please, pet, I need you to look up to me."
The voice penetrated my thoughts. It was low and soft.
"Come on, luv. Come back to ol'Spike. Let me see those beautiful green eyes."
His voice was so soft and comforting that I could not help but follow his instructions.
I looked up and stared straight to the prettiest set of blue eyes I have every seen.
"I need you to concentrate on my voice. And try to follow what I say."
I felt myself nod.
"Good, pet. Now, inhale." And I did. "Exhale." I let out a shaky breath. "Good job, luv. One more time. Inhale." I breathe in. "Exhale." I let it out.
"Great job. Now, can you tell me where my hands are at?"
I processed what he said and answered soft.
"You're using them to hold my hands."
"That's right, luv. Now, can you can you squeeze them for me. Just keep breathing in and out as you do that."
He was still using that calming voice. And I continued to follow him until I realize that I was not having any more issues breathing.
I took one last deep breath before standing up.
I didn't even notice that I was kneeling on the ground.
"Thanks," I muttered.
"No problem, Slayer. Saw you needed help. I helped. 'was natural," he said gruffly that made me smile.
"Yeah. I am a bit surprised you know what to do."
"I was with Dru for 'bout a century. You learn a thing or two about how to handle hysteria or panic attacks, as what you lot call it these days," he explains.
"Wow. I didn't know I have panic attacks. You learn something new every day." I said. Not having anything else to add.
It was then followed by an awkward moment of silence. I didn't know what to say. He was near me. His hands were still on mine. I didn't want to ruin that.
Sadly, it was him who broke the quiet as he removed his hands from mine and started to apologize.
"It's okay," I started, stopping him from going further in his apology, "You kinda saved me back there."
I looked up to him again and tried my best to convey my gratitude through my eyes.
I saw many emotions swirling in those blue orbs. It gave me a bit of boost of courage and I just knew I had to say what I came here to do before I chickened out.
"Spike, I-"
"I'm sorry," he cut me off, "Buffy, last week-I, I know I'd be a right prat and say that what happened wasn't my fault. Because, God dammit, it was!"
He moved away from me and started pacing as he began his angry rant.
"I should've tried harder to fend you off. I should've ran back here so Darla could've found a way to help me restrain you. I should've been stronger and not let my own demon do that to you!"
He practically roared the last part, stopping from his pacing as well. His back was turned to me and I can see that he was taking unnecessary breaths.
"I should've done something. Anything to protect you from myself..."
He was crying. And it was at that moment I realized. Willow was right.
He did blame himself. He really was avoiding me because he thought he was at fault.
Oh, Spike.
"I'm sorry!" I exclaimed. I saw him freeze and I knew he would be a few moments away from denying my claims. So I continued, "What happened wasn't your fault, Spike. It was the spell. I should have done all the things you think you should've done as well. I hurt you more than you did me. Please don't blame yourself, it was all my fault!"
He then turned back to face me with the angriest look I have ever seen him.
"Are you out of your bloody mind? What the bloody hell do you mean by "it was all my fault"? You were caught up in a spell. You had no control over what happened, you daft bint."
"And you did?!" I retorted. "It was your demon that hurt me Spike."
"Exactly! It was MY DEMON that hurt you! Something I should have control over."
"And it was MY SLAYER that did the same to you!" I screamed back. I was breathing heavily. I stared back at him and saw the surprised looked on his face. "That night. The Slayer or whatever gives Slayers their powers took over the wheels. And all the things it kept promising me it would do to you for the past few months since you got here in Sunnydale, it did all that and more that night."
I was crying now.
"I tried to stop her but I couldn't. And I saw everything. I saw how much she hurt you. I saw how much you fought back. Heard the times you tried to get me to snap out of it. Heard the times you begged me to stop. But I couldn't do a thing."
I clutched my chest as I realized what I was about to confess to my vampire friend.
"And you know what's worst? Is that all the things she did, at one point I really considered doing to you. Last week wasn't the first time that Slayer reeled its way into my life, Spike. She's been talking to me at the back of my mind. Telling me to take you. Even now, it's still demanding and that I finished what she started."
I flinched when I saw that he took a step back at those last words.
The desire to flea was stronger after seeing that, but stopped myself. I needed to get everything out. I needed to finally come clean to him. He deserved it.
I took a deep breath, before continuing.
"So please, stop saying everything was your fault, because it wasn't. I played a part of it. If I had told someone about the evil voice I had been hearing in the back of my brain, then maybe, we could have done something about it and so when Ethan did that thing last week, maybe I would have had more control to stop it from happening. Maybe I-I wouldn't have hur-"
It was getting hard to breathe again.
Dammit! I needed to finish my confession.
I was sobbing and grasping for air. But I still tried my best to complete my apology.
"Hurt you. So I am so sorry, Spike. I am so sorry for what happened. I-I wish I could go back and prevent it from everything from happening. I wish I could do something to stop myself from do-doing that to y-you. I -"
I was cut off when I felt Spike's arms wrap themselves around me.
"Stop. Please, Buffy. No more. I get it. Just-stop hurting yourself. You don't have to explain anymore. I forgive you, pet."
At those words, it seems that the dam that I had been holding finally released and I cried harder than I ever had in my whole life. I wrapped my arm around him as well as I released all my tears into his chest.
He forgave me.
(0.0)
Darla
I was glad.
After a week living with the gloomiest and depressing vampire, I could not help but smile as I heard the two from behind the door of the garden's entrance forgive each other. With this, at least I will not have any more dark clouds looming within the house whenever William was in the room.
"The boy really should have done this earlier," I could not help but thought as I slowly left my perch to return to the main lobby where the research for my other Childe's cure was undertaking.
I entered the room and found Drusilla sitting on one of the couches, Ms. Edith being groomed in her hand.
"I am guessing, my William, has finally made up with the Sunshine?"
I smile softly at her. She was the only one who stopped me from rushing to the Slayer a week ago to make her pay for what she did to William.
"The Sunshine has to get pass the mountain in order to give her gifts to her new knight. Let's us not interfere or Ms. Edith will be crossed."
Was her words when she grabbed my wrist as I was about the leave the house.
I decided to heed Dru's warning and waited until either William or the Slayer come to their senses and try and resolve the issue together.
"You were right, dearheart. All they needed was to talk it out and all is well with those two. I am certain it is safe to say that our William will once again leave the house on a daily basis to meet with his human friends after tonight."
Drusilla smiled at me then said another of her cryptic visions.
"While the sun and night are alright. The beast and his mate are not. Let them roam the lands free until time comes for them to have tea," she said looking at me with those daze expressions. "More bad dogs will come and the biggest monster will rise. And the dark queen will lose more than her sword and horse."
I blinked. "Oh, that was more cryptic than the usual vision." I thought.
I then asked what she meant but Drusilla merely gave an enigmatic smile before saying, "Said too much. Mustn't share or no treats for me said the stars."
Dru went back to playing with her doll and I was left to ponder on her words.
I could take it in many different ways, but I cannot discern for certain what she meant. It was an obvious warning from my beloved Childe's gift. But for who was it for. I could say it was for the Slayer, did often call her Sunshine. But then who was the beast? And the monster and the dark queen? Bad dogs were often associated to the new evil we needed to destroy.
I felt my head hurting from too much thinking. I had no way of knowing what Dru meant. So the best way to do is wait for William to come back and let him think about what my beloved Childe meant. He was always better at solving Dru's vision.
Speaking of William, I put a quick note in my head to have a talk to the Watcher about his Slayer's little demon in her head. If what I heard was true, then the girl was a danger to William. Best have an expert check it before something worse than last week happens, because knowing those two blondes outside, they will try to hide this matter for as long as they can.
Turned to the nearest vacant chair in the room and picked up a book. It was the newest arrival from my New vault. For now, I need to focus on looking for a cure for my dear Drusilla.
Chapter End Notes:
I hope I did well with this update. I tried to incorporate one of my learning in how to deal with someone who had a panic attack. Really hope I did alright.
Anyway, feedback will be appreciated. Also, the wait is over. I will try to update at least once every 2 weeks. Thanks for reading and hoped you enjoyed it.
